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Talking Balls can reveal that we have been engaged in secret negotiations with our good friends in the players body to see what way we can help them out, now that they are part of the official GAA family. We AREN’T of course part of the official GAA family which means like the right shower of b******s we are, we can stand at the sideline and make smart-assed comments from a position of well-informed ignorance.

Anyway, our negotiations are bearing fruit, and we want to ensure that inter-county players continue to be pampered and preened so that they can give their best and provide a suitable level of entertainment on a cold winter’s day, or hot summer’s Sunday. In other words, on any occasion, in fact, when we have shelled out our hard earned cash, driven miles with a load of unappreciative underage players in the car, bought McDonalds food (the salads of course), made tea, bought programmes all to watch these boys in action. For those of us that are volunteers in our clubs we expect our county players to be the best they can be. We might only get a couple of Championship days out every summer, so by God these boys better make them good ones. That’s where we stand, just so you know.

After a bit of the usual tyre kicking and a few solo runs and dummies form the usual suspects we have a number of suggestions and proposals to help current and former players make their way in the world. One area of particular interest is to ensure that former players continue to make a valued contibution as pundits and media commentators. We would propose to offer training so that potential pundits would forget all the hard work and effort they put in as players to ensure that they are as critical as they can be of current players.

Just look at the likes of Pat Spillane, Brolly and all the other fellas that make a Klondike of money from their well-informed opinion. Sure Monday mornings wouldn’t be the same after a Sunday night spitting fire after listening to Pat spout his vitriol. Sure you know the craic yourself, by gob the dog knew to lie low in the corner and the cat’s still orbiting after bearing the brunt of one savage pundit-induced onslaught.

It takes a particular skill to get people to react in this way and Talking Balls is looking forward to working with all players past and present to ensure they know exactly what they’re doing.

The first phase in the Player Development Programme is looking at other issues such as a career service, job interview skills, educational advice, scholarships, personal counselling, referee defibrillator training, and a benevolent fund.

It’s great that all these services are being set up. Talking Balls thinks it’s a bit like the Americans getting involved in Iraq. Once you get involved in these things it’s very hard to disinvolve yourself, which in the case of the US for example, means they have managed to create a multi-billion dollar industry keeping themselves involved and keeping everyone happy.

Good luck to all concerned.

Former Antrim player and current St Galls player Kevin McGourty has lambasted his alma mater Queen’s University, Belfast for their plans to give  an honorary degree to fastest man in the world Usain Bolt. It is to be surely the biggest cash in on a sportsman who has absolutely nothing to do with sport in Ireland.

Although no-one from Queen’s was available for comment last night according to the Irish News, Bolt has one strong local link in that his manager Ricky Simms hails from Milford in Donegal (that perhaps explains the colours Bolt runs in, or is that because he runs for Jamaica?).

That excuse won’t satisfy McGourty who took time out from celebrating St Galls progress to another All Ireland final to put a hefty boot into Queen’s. McGourty of course helped Queen’s to a Sigerson title a couple of years back having been on the losing side several time. He points out that Queen’s is happy to honour a Jamican fella with nothing to do with the University yet has ignored the likes of Down legend Sean O’Neill and local rugby star David Humphreys.

Surely Kevin should see the wood from the trees – when he says this is a shameless PR exercise from Queen’s he is absolutely right. But it is an attempt by the University authorities to attract coverage in a way that winning the Sigersonnever could. Unfortunately however most people in Ulster aren’t thick gobshites and they will realise this.

“I have no issue with Bolt or his achievements in the world of sport. . . am only interested in gaelic games. Then university has only in recent years recognised its contribution to the community  here in the North by awarding Mickey Harte an honorary degree. The fact is that over th course of the last fifty years some of Ireland’s leading gaelic footballers and managers have had direct connections with this institute but have constantly been bypassed.”

Just  for the record he would be referring to the likes of Kieran McGeeney, Anthony Tohill, Diarmuid Marsden, Cormac McAnallen, Dessie Ryan, Henry Downey, Ciaran Barr, Greg Blaney, Sean O’Neill, Ger Manas to name a few.

As for their record over the last fifty years. . .  it’s no so long a fair employment investigation found over ninety issues of concern. Also, at the time when Downey and co graduated, students were still supposed to stand for ‘the Queen’ at graduation.

So, this week’s prize for boldly saying what everyone else is thinking goes to Kevin McGourty. Maith thú.

With the national holiday of St Patrick fast approaching, Squareball has produced a new tee shirt that’s sure to be in high demand in our pantheon of limited edition tee shirts. You can wear it with pride to celebrate how green you are, and engage in a bit of Paddy Whackery to your croi’s content.

Everyone the world over, especially the French and that hoor Thierry Henry know that they shouldn’t mess with the Irish, especially on the field of play. God help him the next time he togs out and there’s a hurley in close proximity. We want people to know that they can have the craic on and off the field with stooping to the lows that Henry did!

This St Patrick’s Day, all visitors to the Squareball website looking to buy some gear will get a freeee and excluuusive St Patrick’s University Craic and Field team tee with their order. Or they can buy the tee shirt on its own.

This new educational institution, recently established in the Irish America area, with campuses in Boston, Philly, Chicago and Riverdale in New York and the Holyland in Belfast, offers students a range of authentic Irish experiences including hurling, gaelic football, camogie, dancing at the crossroads, hours of pounding céilí band music, excessively lachrymose Séan Nós singing, multiple sesiuns of toe tapping trad music accompanied by the usual shouts of ciúnas; unsatisfactory courtin’ with a young wan round the back of the ballroom, drunken shite talking and an over exaggerated sense of our own capacity for craic.

If you can relate to this then you may qualify for the St Patrick’s Craic and Field team. Sure it’ll soon be an Olympic sport and we’ll beat the English every time!

The biggest event in technology in recent times has been the launch of the iPad, but in reality it doesn’t hold a candle to the legions of people who will be flocking top Brown Thomas in Dublin over the next few weeks to pick up their iPady exclusive tee shirts. You just can’t get them anywhere else.

Yes, Squareball has teamed up with the iconic Dublin store to produce two exclusive tee shirts that are certain to be in high demand in the run up to the national festival.

We look forward to seeing Grafton Street a-thronging with hordes wearing their iPady and SuperIrish tees. Rememberr, you heard it here first, you’ll never beat the SuperIrish.

Sooo, if you are in Dublin make sure you call into Brown Thomas to get your gear.

They commissioned these top t-shirts having stocked our gear since 2007.

If you’re heading down to Croker to watch Portumna and Ballyhale battle it out let’s hear you say ‘iPady and I Super Irish’ and wear your colours with pride!

Playing is only part of it!

With new rules stipulating that fun and games can’t end until the balls have gone out of play, referees have come under scrutiny in recent weeks for the genuine, but ultimately unsatisfactory practice of premature ululation.

Louth have claimed that their O’Byrne Cup Final result could have been much different had the referee been able to contain himself and not blow so early, even though it was well into the third minute of injury time and Louth had plenty of action in the box that could have led to the vital score. However the DCU defence remained impregnable with some very safe and experienced practices to mean they were able to hold on for a satisfying if exhausting end result.

One observer commented “Normally you wouldn’t expect young people to be unable to contain their excitement, normally they would blow, especially at the thought of finally scoring like the big boys, but DCU showed a lot of maturity and restraint to hang on for the victory.”

A couple of weeks on and Longford have a similar tale of woe from another referee for whom the final whistle came too soon. Longford secretary Peter Reilly is looking another bite at the cherry by claiming the premature end to things and the mess it left during their match up with Limerick could cost them their season.

As for the unfortunate referees, it’s an embarrassing enough situation without the media repeatedly drawing attention to their inadequacies. Once again it draws attention to proposals that referees should get someone else to help with the time keeping, maybe so far as handing that job over to a fourth official who could maybe sound a hooter when time was up.

Talking Balls is sponsoring a new initiative to encourage players that may have ‘wintered’ a bit too well and as a result have used that as an excuse to tip the scales in favour of retirement rather than return to pre-season training.

The groundbreaking scheme was inspired by what we witnessed at a club training session near you last Sunday. This was the third or fourth week of pre season. Players had to contend with a gruelling series of fiendish and evily conceived training runs designed to build speed and endurance. The air was blue with gasps of breath as they completed another set of 30 second runs and bluer again with individuals calling their trainer all the f**ers of the day. Red faces, coughing, extra layers shed, the odd bout of retching from a fella who maybe thought he could handle the beer the night before and the running the next morning. Not so my friend.

Talking Balls watched with interest, feeling an odd twinge in the left hamstring which we took as the body longing for the days of forty or fifty laps of old round a mucky field. None of this new fangled shite with heart monitors, resting heart rates and ‘eighty per cent runs’. In our day it was 110% or nothing.

Beguiled by the intrigue of the session the eye was drawn to one fella who appeared to be in obvious distress moreso than the rest. He effed and blinded in a curious tongue and a casual enquiry revealed that this fella was a ‘former Kerry minor’ currently stationed in the dark North because of work. In a misguided attempt to regain his former glory this boy had reported for duty at the nearest club and to his horror he discovered that these boys trained like demons driven on by Mephistopheles the Manager himself, aided and abetted by Satan the Strength and Conditioning guy and Beelzebub who completed the backroom team.

At one point we distinctly heard the Kerryman groan ‘Why the f**k am I here. . . what am I doin’ here?’ and then ‘. . . aghhhhh this is terrible.’

All the time the cheeks puce, the hands shook, the shirt front stretched and distended over a gut that protested too much, and groaned the waistband of shorts that looked under more pressure than Peter Robinson on an episode of Spotlight.

But fair play to yer man, he was there going through the pain barrier and breaking the sound barrier more than anything else. What about the other lazy hoors lying at home chawing bacon n eggs, black puddin and the works to help work off a feed of Saturday night stout or wine? Those are the boys that we’re after.

If you know someone that should take his belly to training, let us know and we’ll think about sending his a specially modifed tee shirt with room down below for the large lad.

As controversy rages over the continuing and scandalous trial by television of Tyrone players, satellite broadcaster Setanta is understood by Talking Balls to be about to add fuel to the fire.

They are poised to introduce a new interactive feature to their programmes in a bid to regain some of the viewers they lost when the British wing went tits up last year. The new feature will allow all viewers sitting on their arses in the comfort of their own homes to use the coloured buttons on the Sky remote to enter a specially designed interactive menu. Once in there they will be able to nominate specific players and incidents for further examination and if necessary citing by the in studio ‘resident expert’. Then in the studio in real time, the likes of Colman Coggins, Eugene McGee or whatever other gobshite is on hand, can dissect the action and look for potential infringements that the referee missed even though he is only human.

Each week, one lucky viewer will be selected at random to join the experts in the studio to press the red button to red card a player of their choice. To ensure the players do not rear up and tell Setanta to go and f**k themselves, there will be a points system wheerbey the player committing the most infringements and attracting the most disciplinary appropium will qualify for a holiday at La Manga to be taken during a suspension of their choice.

Talking Balls has learned that the innovative and exciting feature will be marketed to its customers and the broader GAA public as Setanta Close Circuit Citing or Setanta CCC for short.

A spokesman for the broadcaster said: “We need to make Winter football more interesting. People are used voting for things on a Saturday night whether it’s the X Factor, Strictly Come Dancing or Red Hot Raw – all these programmes have got folks into the way of pressing the button to vote and greater interactivity is the way forward.”

Setanta is also looking at technologies that will allow the armchair view to vote on which players should be subbed, who should take the frees and a whole raft of other tactical features that the supporter at home knows nothing about but that doesn’t stop them airing their opinion.

Tyrone manager Mickey Harte wasn’t asked for a comment, but we know what it would have been.

No players were harmed in the writing of this feature.

Talking Balls was sitting back last Sunday, relaxing as you do, with the sound on the telly turned down, as you do, due to the presence of rather unwelcome visitors (friends of the wife’s do you understand) watching Portumna, wondering why Joe Canning wasn’t hitting the frees.

Amidst dozes it suddenly occurred to us that Joe has obviously traded his familiar red Cooper helmet for a fancy new greem marc helmet. Presumably Joe decided to benefit from the marc helmet scrappage scheme which offers you a deal if you trade in your old reliable helmet for a new marc one. According to the marc website it states that:

The GAA Injury Scheme will only provide cover in respect of Hurling claims provided the injured claimant is wearing a Helmet Which conforms to the NSAI Standard IS:355. ie Mycro, Marc or Azzurri helmets.

However the Willis insurance business to which it links also goes on to say:

The injury scheme is funded entirely from Club and GAA funds with no outside (e.g.insurance) involvement. There is no legal obligation on the GAA to provide such a scheme. Risk is an inherent factor in sport, as in life. When members voluntarily take part in Club Activities, they accept the risks that such participation may bring.

In the first instance this confirms that traditional and much loved helmets such as Cooper, widely chosen by many players will disqualify your claim. The second clause contradicts this as it suggests that you play at your own risk and therefore take your oil if you get split.

So there you go. With all hurlers coming to terms with their shiny new helmets, the question has been asked by the likes of Paddy Heaney of the Irish News whether the GAA is missing an opportunty to market hurling better. Now straight away it has to be said that Paddy Heaney wouldn’t know a hurlers helmet if he was asked to polish one, but I suppose things were quiet this last week or so, and he was a few inches short of fulfilling his obligations Against the Breeze, so to speak.

Paddy has suggested that the likes of Kilkenny for example could all wear similar helmets adorned with an image of a Cat for example. He also advocated players wearing their names on the backs of their shirts, all sound ideas in theory but why should they do this at all? In fact in the nanny state we live in, Talking Balls believes that the fact that hurlers are forced to wear a helmet at all is nonsense.

Paddy obviously has obsessive compulsive disorder as he finds the sight of players turning out to hurl with a dolly mixture array of hurling helmets to be undesirable and wants team uniforms to include matching helmets. Next they’ll be wearing matching boots, gloves and underpants, hi-fiving and your the man. May sound good on paper, but that’s just not hurling Paddy.

Not content with annoying Unionists and their friends and the family of the late great hurler Lord Carson by planting a pile of Ash Trees at Stormont, Ulster camogie and Ladies football amazons have dreamt up another wheeze that is sure to get the province’s camogs and ladies footballers hot under the collar. This time of year they’re urging all Ulster ‘Gaerls’ to Party Against Poverty. That’s a tough ask. . .

Anyone who knows a real live camog will know that they train their sweet asses off, but at the slightest mention of a party and a night on the tiles, they’ll knock down doors to get stillettoes on, the fake tan spray job and to squeeze into an outfit that fitted last summer at the height of the championship season but now it’s groaning at the seams after a good wintering. A few Tuesday nights on their shapely derriere watching Grey’s Anatomy and Desperate Housewives with a Dominos and some chardonnay hasn’t helped.

But for these girls, a party’s a party. That and the thought of a drop (or gallon of aftershocks) or a bit of jeiger bombing is sure to get them interested.

For the next six weeks all players, clubs and supporters of all Gaelic games across Ulster are being asked to organise parties at the end of Lent that will raise funds for Trocaire and for local women’s gaelic sports. Ann Summers and Tupperware are apparently bracing themselves for an influx of enquiries.

On camogie widower said: “Certainly I’d support the girls. It’s a great cause and if there’s a box in the house I’ll certainly put something in it to keep the girls happy.”

The serious bit of the whole event is the need to raise money for deprived children in the Third World. Trocaire’s regional manager, Eithne McNulty, referred to the fact that the number of hungry people in the world has passed the one billion mark – one in six of the entire population.

Ms McNulty said. “The bitter irony is that there is more than enough food in the world to feed our population. It’s not simply a question of supply and demand. Most people living in hunger are simply too poor to either grow or buy the food they need. This support from the Ulster Gaels comes at a crucial time for the world’s poor.”

Ulster Camogie’s chair, Catherine O’Hara, is one of the driving forces behind the new idea:
“As well as raising funds for our own young people and sport here at home, we really wanted to help support the wonderful work that Trocaire does in some of the world’s poorest countries. We are urging all Ulster clubs in all parts of the GAA family – football, hurling, camogie, handball and rounders – to get involved and ‘Party Against Poverty’ at the end of Lent.”

So if you’re out some night and you come upon a group of rowdy dishevelled yokes, tottering about in unfeasibly high heels, flashing a bit of well tanned flesh – you’ll know it’s the Camogie and Ladies Football Gaerls of Ulster – Partying Against Poverty. We wouldn’t have it any other way.