Maor Uisce’s Ruling Takes the Pitch – Know Thine Real Enemy
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Forget about introducing that abomination from Aussie Rules, ‘The Mark’, or fartin’ about with the penalty spot, the latest wheezes emanating from someone’s backside is a ban on the Maor Uisce. No more can a squad member, stout and proud clubman or the manager’s youngest son tear onto the field with gay abandon to administer uisce out of one of them iconic O’Neills water bottles or a Bulmers cidona bottle.
Often the uisce was source of a bit of trampish when a fella might maybe refuse a teammate a drink out of the same bottle or even hose the hoor down for something he said. Anyway, Trouble No More, as the Allman Brothers sang.
The other rule change? That na bainisteori must stand a metre back from the touchline. Now I dunno about the G-A-A, camogie or ladies fudball wherever the f*** you hail from, but round these parts it’s an article of faith that the manager, the trainer, the coach, the wife’s sister and that useless hoor that hangs round every team because no-one has the courage to tell him away te f***. . . All of them, yes ev’ry one of the hoors louchely gather about fifteen yards in from the touchline, in the middle of the field of play, fag in mouth, wellies worn, maybe a hurley in hand if the game demands it.
Often as not if the goalie directs his kickout or puck well enough the hoors have to scamper off the pitch lest the opposition ball winner should flatten them in his pursuit of the pigskin. It is a particular curse in underage where the presence of some grizzled oul bastards scares the crap out of the other team’s wing forward as well as his own wing back so the two play as auxiliary centre backs or midfielders (some tacticians would have this as the real origin of the third midfielder) despite repeated entreaties from the self same bainisteoir to ‘get te f*** out to the f***in wing where ye were putt.’
Will it all make a blind hate of difference. Damn the bit. There’s too many gobshites involved in the GAA managing local teams to pay attention to something as important as a rule change.
But, if you’re reading this, all you hoors that I’ve told to get off the pitch over the years then THIS RULE APPLIES TO YOU TOO YOU MORON, so don’t stand there asking me who the f*** I think I am or telling me the ref never said nothing. Just get te f*** off the pitch and behind the powdered white line.
Rant over for this week.
