The Talking Balls Code of Conduct for Players
Talking Balls Comments
To help our brethren in Laois we are publishing here the Talking Balls Player Code of Conduct. Our expert team is available to do team bonding weekends and workshops to explain the code of conduct and run players through what is unacceptable. We have previously worked with the Donegal footballers, the Offaly hurlers, Roscommon senior footballers, a couple of Kerry players, and a number of other clubs and county teams that shall remain anonymous. And, like Alcoholics Anonymous, ours is a twelve point plan.
1. Club membership must be paid. This means you’re insured and your operation will be paid for. It also entitles you to get club tickets as well as your county allocation. Now, no-one in the club can complain about you being a prima donna who doesn’t pay their way.
2. Attend as many training sessions as you can. As Ger Loughnane said make an excuse to be at training not to miss it. What better excuse than free food and wet gear.
3 Always inform team management in advance if unable to attend training or matches. Leave a voicemail message on his mobile any time of the day or night of you have to. That worked well for Antrim this year. If you’re ringing from a club or bar, step outside where it is a bit less noisy and he can hear your message clearly.
4 Arrive on time for training and matches otherwise management can get prickly. Keep a wee jar of used engine oil in the car. If you’re very late wipe it on your hands and tell them you’d a flat wheel. Works every time. For matches, get the girlfriend to run you to the bus. Means you won’t get breathalysed and the boys can check out your bit of stuff.
5. Always listen when coach is giving instructions and carry out his ‘game plan’. You should avoid sitting on the bog at the beginning of the training session in case you miss what the coach said. One All Star fell out with his manager and huffed off the panel for a while cos he was in the physio room and didn’t hear the game plan for a challenge match. Also, no juggling or scratching balls when coach is talking. It’s bad manners.
6. Treat fellow players, mentors, club officers, referees and match officials with respect. Offer criticism on the pitch in a life-affirming and positive way. Calling someone a useless yella c**t for example is a breach of the code of conduct.
7. On the subject of foul or abusive language, it is permitted during team talks, at half time, at team meetings and at training. We’re not uptight about it if you’re not.
8. Be respectful to members of the backroom team. This means avoid if you can trying to ‘have relations’ with any of the backroom team, male or female during the season. It makes for an awkward moment when you need a rub before the game and the physio already knows the territory.
9 Betting against your own team. Nowadays you can get a bet on before a game, at half time and even during a game. It is a heinous crime and one that will lead to you being droppped, likely from a great height. If you must bet, get a family member to do it, that way you are less likely to get caught on.
8. Always promote the county in a positive way. If you have too much training gear you can get a good price on e-Bay these days for a genuine numbered county shirt.
9. Treat county officials with respect. Familiarise yourself with what they look like. That oul bastard telling you you can’t get out that gate, or you can’t drink that water, or sit in that seat on the plane to Dublin, or eat those sandwiches might be the county treasurer or secretary. . .
10. Prepare properly for games – a lot of players can’t handle alcohol or other mind altering substances or late nights etc. Even a ‘few pints’ are frowned upon these days by the kill-joys so stick to having a carryout at home. That way if anyone finds out it’s the girlfriend’s fault. One other thing. The night before a game, drink vodka, it doesn’t smell.
11. On nights out after county games, don’t use your minor celebrity or the fact you’re well known to press home your advantage with impressionable young admirers. If you must do it, be careful. In nine months time you don’t want to be baby sitting and changin’ nappies instead of going to training. (See 2 & 3 above.)
11. Finally be a role model for peers and underage players by getting involved in other activities in your club such as club meetings, fund raising etc. This will mean you get rolled out at every opportunity for tedious prize nights and photo calls without getting a penny in an appearance fee. But you never know, it might get you in there with the chairman’s good looking daughter.
On the pitch, here’s our five point plan for sporting success on the pitch:
• Shake hands with your opponent before and after the game. In between times, anything goes.
• Respect the referee, he might be useless but he’s probably doing the best he can.
• Respect team members, avoid the urge to hit the guy that misses the score in the last minute that means you’re out of the championship for another year.
• Don’t swap shirts. You might get swine flu.
• Respect your opponents, they are not enemies, they are partners in a sporting event. As with all partnerships, the relationship will have its ups, and downs. Give opponents a hand if they are injured or have problems with their equipment, whether you caused it or not.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Any similarities to incidents real or imaginary, or people living or dead are purely coincidental. If you recognise yourself or anyone else, you are delusional.
No animals were harmed in the drawing up of these rules.
