Go Slow Games, for the Middle Aged
Talking Balls No Comments »
Originally one of the better brainchilds of former Uachtaran, Sean Kelly, the idea is gradually gaining some currency. That is unlike his doomed proposal to have Camogs cavort round the pitch in some sort of semi-horned-up beauty pageant that ironically would have targeted the same audience as the social football. Anyhow we digress. One club of our acquaintance began the experiment the other evening with positive results and as importantly no visits to the fracture clinic or Cardiac Unit.
A gathering of around twenty players was organized. There were those that could run but couldn’t kick; those that could kick but couldn’t run; and those that could do neither. There were none present that could both run and kick, so the concept of bursting off the shoulder and taking the ball on the break was an alien concept. As was the idea of kicking the diagonal ball into space for the corner forward to run on to. Typically by the time the corner forward got there the ball had rolled to a dead stop so, with a creaking of the back the player would bend to lift the ball. However most diagonal balls were a direct result of either a total miss-kick or a rather forlorn reliance on former glories. One or two players were so inept it was impossible to predict with any certainty where the ball once kicked would land. It all added to the excitement.
Some of the players had played a bit before the onset of middle aged spread but after the warm-up a number were sent crawling for the liberal scattering of water bottles.
Surprisingly no-one was injured, there was no rows, age having appeared to have blunted the aggressive edge. At this age, and in this heat, all possible energy is required to just get your hands on the ball. It’s a game of inches, so one step too short you might not get there, one step too far and you risk tearing something. The idiots you need are all around you but some of them were that far gone, purple faced, lolling tongue and soaking in perspiration that the humane thing was not to pass them the ball.
The game was a low scoring affair, the impotence of the respective forward units would suggest that these lads will welcome with open arms the recent news that viagra will soon be on sale over the counter in pharmacies in the six counties. Anything to stiffen the resolve in front of goal and enable fellas to shoot straight. The whole concept of the ball stop was rigorously questioned several times – one attempt cleared it to the side and several others sailed over, not having troubled the two big white pipes en route.
Having said all of the above, the players loved it. No doubt long suffering wives and partners had to listen to exaggerated tales long into the night. The true cost is the following morning when the Casual footballer tries to get out of bed. At that stage her indoors will lose the temper and ban the mention of the subject ever again. But he’ll be back next week for more, sure there’s nothing like it. 6:30 Sunday night, legends in their own lunchtimes.
