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So. Derry football is in disarray is it? Roundly beaten by the dreaded neighbours from south of the Sperrins live on national television. Missing a number of senior players. James Conway of Ballinderry suspended for two months for disruptive behaviour whatever that is these days and then gets off cos no-one seen nothin’. Ballinderry are suspended from the Derry league and Championship because no-one in the club, players, officials, saw what happened when Conway’s Derry team mate Kielt had his jaw broken in an off the ball incident in the Ballinderry v Kilrea game.

This is Derry where the suspensions arising from last year’s county final quietly slipped off the record books on something called a mercy appeal. Despite the presence of up to twenty or more subs from each team on the sideline with all the mayhem that caused at half time and all the post match handbags, it’s as if nothin’ ever happened. In fact maybe it didn’t. Maybe we all dreamt it. Seems like the Derry Disciplinary guys have had enough and can you blame them?

So what goes on inside these disciplinary hearings? Well, we can let you into a secret. There’s special electromagnetic pulses on the doors into Owenbeg, the County’s headquarters at Dungiven. This means that anyone going in for a disciplinary hearing has their memory wiped cleaned whether they like it or not. That and all sense of rational thought. After all, these proceedings and the chance of getting off brings a cavalier attitude and a lightness of step round the law that you can but marvel at. We have compiled the following from hearings round the country, these aren’t exclusive to the Oak Leafers we might add:

“Saw nathin Sur, I was twenty yards away from him but he just dropped to the ground like a stone houlin’ the back of his head. I thought maybe he was hit with a hailstone or somethin’.”

“Our club saw nothing. We have carried out an in depth and far ranging investigation, we involved the police ombudsman, Fr Alec Reid, and George Mitchell. No-one seen anything. Dunno what happened at all. Very strange.”

“Mebbe he hit himself. . . well Jazus I was at the game and I seen nothing, neither did me ma and she’s a great one for off-the-ball incidents.”

‘No-one from our club kicked a ball at anyone Mister. We were all kickin’ in to the goal mindin’ our own business. This oul boy came over to tell us to move on, sure how was I to know he was the county chairman? Anyway, my ma toul us to have nothing to do with fellas from Bellaghy.”

“I consider the allegation that I started a melee in the crowd a grievous insult and slur on my good name and reputation and I’ll be consulting my solicitor. I have trained the Under 12s for seventeen years, been on the club committee for fourteen of those years, the other years I was out of fudball but that was the other fella’s fault. I have been clubman of the year twice and nominated for awards at county and provincial level.”

“Yes, I started the melee, a man shouldn’ have to stand there and listen to his son bein’ called a useless hoor by some boy. Hoors themselves. Suspend me, and I’ll tell you I’ll walk away from the GAA. The hours I put in, you boys should be grateful for boys like me. We are the GAA, not yous boys on committees like this, never kicked a fudball in yer life. Should be ashamed of yourselves, nothin’ better to do?”

Indeed they don’t.

Editor’s Note: Any similarities to individuals involved in the GAA living or dead are purely intentional.