Squareball, gaa shop, gaa gear, gaa tshirts, clothing, merchandise.

A STRONG first half display powered Kildare, the reigning Division Four National League champions, to victory over Armagh in the opening round of the Gala All Ireland junior camogie championship (Nancy Murray Cup) in Celbridge on Saturday. The Lilywhite led by double scores at half time but the Ulster side came back at them in the new half, nonetheless the final scoreline of 2-13 to 2-7 was deserved.

Susie O’Carroll led the way for the winners with 0-9 while first half goals from Roisin O’Connell and Cliona McSweeney propelled the Leinster girls into a 2-10 to 1-5 interval lead. While Kildare were the dominant force in the first 30 minutes they didn’t quite get matters their own way in the second half with a more determined performance from the Orchard County that netted a Niamh McKeown goal. However, Kildare held out and remain on course for a possible championship/league double.

Elsewhere, Tyrone built on their positive league campaign to take the spoils away to Roscommon, 2-11 to 2-6 with no less than seven Tyrone players getting on the score sheet. Green flags from Maedbh McGurk and Emma McAliskey set the Red Hand County on their way with a pair of points each from Aisling Corr, Maria Jordan, Shauna Jordan and Emma Fitzgerald.

The Rossies had their stars too in Annette McGeeney and Clodagh Rodgers who along with Cait Kenny (0-4) were among their top scorers.

On Saturday evening at Dr Cullen Park, Carlow entertained Westmeath and after a ding-dong battle had to eventually give way on a 2-9 to 3-11 score. The home side led 0-7 to 1-2 at the short whistle with Valerie Crean on target with 0-6 but second half goals from Annette Heffernan, Deirdre O’Donovan and one at the death from Denise McGrath sealed victory for the Lake County.

Ulster GAA - on the ball

At a time when sponsors, the Powers that Be and indeed anyone who thinks they can get a bit of the Championship action (including ourselves) are falling over themselves to outdo each other in their coverage, Talking Balls is pleased to point you in the direction of the Ulster GAA microsite Land of the Giants.

Designed by a very talented team of GAA heads, the site really is the real deal. Complete with exclusive video material courtesy of Jerome Quinn and an off the wall look at things in Ulster by none other than our own Ger Manas, the site is a must for any self respecting GAA fan. In fact, it puts the GAA main site somewhat in the shade, but then we would be biased.

The inspiration for the Land of the Giants branding, which is used across the entire Ulster marketing campaign for this summer’s championship, are the ancient tales of Ulster. Stories of heroism, bravery, epic battles, notorious villains, the passion, the glory and the despair. The film shoot took place at the Giant’s Causeway, itself a world heritage site. The photoshoot attracted a throng of onlookers from nearby Bushmills, many of whom were keen to take part, never having seen a camera before.

Fair play once again to our friends in Ulster GAA who yet again have raised the bar. To boldly go where no provincial council has gone before, leading the way for the GAA.

Make sure you bookmark the Land of the Giants page. If for no other reason than to read the ravings of the lunatic Ger Manas and his ilk. Back in the days of Finn McCool and Cuchullain he would have been kept out in a barn with the a horse for the knackers yard, a few diseased pigs, a one legged rooster, a blind cat and a dog called Spillane. Nowadays that sort of thing is frowned upon, so we just about tolerate him.

Ulster GAA’s marketing campaign has them all a-talking up North. Changed times from this programme effort in 1952. If you have any old programmes, head down to the Cardinal Tomás Ó Fiaich Memorial Library for Clár 2009, its second annual national Gaelic Games programme and collectables fair, this Saturday.

Our team of reporters round the land shine a light into the orifices of the GAA to look at those small but insignificant details that make the GAA the world’s greatest sporting organisation.

*** 

We try to avoid foreign games where possible, but we couldn’t help but notice how little the Manchester United players seemed to care when they were taken apart by Barcelona in the Champions League Final. After the final whistle they would have looked more concerned if they had been told the Armani shirt was available in cerise, not turquoise. Shower of overpaid twats. They wouldn’t have lasted two minutes in Celtic Park.

***

The third of the O hAilpin brothers, Aisake, makes his senior Munster Hurling Championship bow for Cork on Sunday against Tipperary. Micheal O Muircheartaigh is believed to have spent the week thinking up a few witticisms to match his famour ‘mother from Fiji’ line. If Aisake can have anything like the impact Setanta had in his first season the Rebels could be onto something. And, standing at 6’5 and built like a brick shithouse after four years as a professional sportsman in Oz, Aisake will be a quare handful. Or maybe not. Maybe he’ll be just another useless big hoor thrown in at full forward to cause havoc. We’ll wait and see.

After their latest winter of discontent Rebel skipper John Gardiner claims there are many in Cork that are hoping they fail. Like it or not with Cork on a run in the Championship it makes things more competitive. Realisticaly we all know they are one of the few teams that have a chance of competing with Kilkenny. Our prediction is that come September Kilkenny will have completed four in a row. We think Setanta will be home in 2010 to lead the charge from the Rebels to stop the five in a row. You read it here first.

***
Tyrone full forward-cum-midfielder-cum-wingforward-cum-GPA secretary-cum-ace-of-PUMA Sean Cavanagh believes that refs should get on with it and implement the rules that are there and not worry about old rules or new rules. Hopefully after last season’s tour de force Big Sean will also realize he is good enough to just get on with it and stop appealing to the ref, two arms out, one the same length as the other, lookin like a big ganch. Ah, tis the Championship!

***

Last week at an unnamed location, at an U-8 football blitz, a bit of sideline jundeyin’ that would have put Mickey Moran and Tyrone doctor Seamus Cassidy to shame. With one team playing out of their skin, the other team were obviously told at half time to ‘up the physical ante.’

It’s not known whether the manager was originally from Monaghan, or indeed related to Banty, but anyhow after a series of tackles that would have been ruled out of order in cage fighting the manager says something along the lines: ‘Hi ref, what about a whistle.’ Whereupon not only did the ref not blow the whistle for the entire remainder of the game, but the opposing manager made his way round to the other sideline and started shoulder charging his counterpart. Talking Balls always thought Under-8 was the best craic in the GAA. Not for much longer with this sort of fella. He could only be described as a moron.

***
Sunday Game pundit Joe Brolly turned out for the Derry over forties on Saturday against Dublin. By all accounts he’s still as fit as a fiddle, as ungainly as ever, still pulls the socks up and is still good for a few scores. Thankfully he didn’t bag any goals as the other happily-married family men on the field were worried he would start blowin’ kisses again. Still of course plying his trade in Antrim with St Bridgets, and credit to him for that, a member of the Creggan club told us he turned up to play them clad head to toe in Under Armour, black tights and gloves – the lot. More than ever he looked like a complete tool, this time though sheathed like a shiny black condom, they weren’t sure what to expect. Incidentally, Joe McNally played in the same veterans match. Apparently he didn’t leave the edge of the square. Not because he didn’t want to but because quite simply he couldn’t. Age certainly hasn’t withered him. . .

***
And finally. . . By the Short and Curlies committed a grievous wrong. We made a reference to an Ulster Camogie website that is no longer functional. We are happy to report that the mna na hUladh can be found on the following location: www.ulstercamogie.ie. It is a well-designed site that promises a lot, so we look forward to visiting it regularly to keep up to date on the weird and wonderful world of camogie.

How the Derry Co Board see it: Surely you would buy a programme from the likes of one of these girls?

Supporters attending the Derry Monaghan championship match in Celtic Park on Sunday commented on how great it was to see players from the Derry Ladies Football and Senior Camogie squad selling match programmes.

On the face of this is the positive side of GAA integration with the females of the species. And sure for oul fellas like ourselves it’s great to see that these young girls can make a contribution on the big day. Sure a few years ago didn’t an Uachtaran himself Sean Kelly suggest that the Camogs should parade round the field before a match to show themselves off they were that good lookin’. That’s one side of the coin.

Anyway back to events in the ‘Maiden City’ as they like to call it in the Fountain area of the City. The reluctant programme sellers advised Talking Balls that they were told it would be a ‘good thing’ if they sold programmes on the understanding that they would stand a better chance of getting regular use of the County’s Owenbeg’s training facilities. This apparently came from a senior Derry County Board official and to their shame people associated with the teams went ahead and instructed players accordingly.

Lest we forget, the Derry Ladies Football team contested an All Ireland Final in Croke last year losing to London. The Derry Camogie team won the Junior All Ireland in 2007 again in Croker. In fact these are the two most recent appearances by Derry county teams in All Ireland Championship finals. The players access to and use of Owenbeg is now apparently conditional on them strutting their stuff round the environs of Celtic Park, providing a bit of eye candy for worn out Co Board officials. What next?

Talking Balls looks forward to seeing the Derry footballers selling programmes and parking cars at the next camogie game. Sure what goes around comes around. Doesn’t it?

Ireland’s big news story: Grotesque, undignified, brutal, disgraceful. The Ulster Championship. And we love it!

A question for all you loyal Talking Balls readers out there, if such an animal exists. What was the biggest outrage in Ireland to emerge over the last week or so?

In case you don’t know, we’ll give you a clue. It involved abuse, verbal and physical. Hypocrisy and outrage across print and broadcast media. A National disgrace no less.

If you didn’t know better you’d think we were talking about the Derry v Monaghan football, instead of the Report of the Commission into Child Abuse.

But no, to listen to the radio, read the papers or watch the TV you would think that between them the footballers, wrestlers, pretend-headbutters, off the ball-kickers, trippers, nippers, throat-grabbers, knee-ballers, sledgers and slappers, of Derry and Monaghan, had committed the greatest crime in Ireland last century or this.

A disgrace, howled one pundit. An embarrassment groaned another. I feel sorry for people who paid in to watch this intoned the solemn Spillane. There is no place for this in gaelic football declared Anthony Tohill without breaking into a smile.

It was left then to Damian Cassidy to point out the emperors of the media were riding naked again. We’re beginning to like this Cassidy fella. Calls a spade a spade and a pundit an arse and breeds wee terrier dogs to. How appropriate. Sez he:

“I can’t help but feel there is a rampant level of hypocrisy about this. You are talking about pundits who when they played could have been cited very handily themselves. Now they are sitting on television with halos over their heads.”

Spillane particularly got on Damian’s goat, or should that be up his wire fox terrier.

“I haven’t spoken to a Derry supporter yet who was disappointed with what they saw. There are people with their own agendas here. Being controversial is one way of maintaining your profile.”

Anyone who went to Celtic Park on Sunday and expected to see a match much different from what they saw is either a fool or doesn’t get out much.

It may have been bitter and mean spirited but that’s all it was. Move on.

The player interview. . . Who was that young one ye were with last night? How’d ye miss that sitter? Do you know Donal Og? Any word of any more strikes?

Talking Balls went rootin’ about on the GPA website there looking for more information about their new scheme that is trying to get jobs for the boys.

Laois player MJ Tierney, Waterford legend Tony Browne and Donegal midfielder Brendan Boyle are among the inter county players who have recently lost their jobs as a result of the recession.

Whilst that is all well and good, what really caught our eye was a piece of advice published elsewhere on the site that offers guidance to the player on the ‘Player Interview’ as conducted by our friends in the media.

Now if you’ve ever wondered why the typical interview with your average inter-county player is about as interesting as Tony Davis, we have the answer. They are all being spoon-fed this media management, media trained, PR savvy bullshit that removes the player’s personality and turns him into an automoron.

So you understand, here’s some handy hints from the GPA if you are a player and you find yourself confronted by the likes of Paddy Heaney, Weeshie Fogarty, Micheal Moyhihan, Kieran Shannon or the dreaded Mark Sidebottom.

Firstly, avoid saying anything that suggests that you have a brain. Think moronic muck savage that can’t read the papers therefore isn’t interested in what goes in them and you’ll be on the right track. Some examples then if confronted with the ‘difficult question’ courtesy of the GPA:

Personal/team performance questions: answer this in a way that strengthens the focus on top performances; avoid appearing ‘falsely humble’, although talking up the opposition is okay; avoid appearing as if you’ve no self-confidence. Example answer: “We’ve trained well, I’m in good condition and we’re certainly going to do our best.”

After a defeat: when asked to explain the loss, be honest about your feelings and be constructive in your assessment. Example answer: “Of course, I’m disappointed .We’ll have to do a careful evaluation, to know what really happened out there and look for lessons. We have to look forward not back.” (Talking Balls note: in other words, do not be honest and come out and say we were pure shite. )

Other key nuggets advise the gormless, hapless player not to trash the opposition, appear over confident and best of all, how to sidestep the politically sensitive question. So the following answers are definitely out of the question:

“That fella I was marking today was shite. He kept grabbing me by the balls but even then I couldn’t have given him a bigger roasting if he was a turkey or a waitress at a Man United Christmas party.”

“Can’t wait till the next day, There’s nothing better than playing for Kilkenny knowing that you can hammer the shite out of most teams without breaking sweat. I player the last game left handed and we still won.”

“The manager hasn’t a clue. He has to resign before he does real damage. And as for the team trainer, I did harder fitness work with the club under 12s. Wheover appointed these boys and whoever’s paying them should be given a dirty bootin.”

In due course Talking Balls will be running its own media-handling course for GAA players. Watch this space.

The Bogs of the County Armagh - in high demand in recent days

Armagh’s preparations for Sunday week’s Championship opener received a setback when training last night was cancelled due to an outbreak of what has been described as ‘Lurgan Belly’. Concerns arose after a number of players were bog-bound after a weekend training camp. It is not known if rogue Tyrone elements were responsible for sabotaging the Armagh team’s food at the top secret location and maybe lobbed a bit of rancid sausage into the egg white omelette and boiled chicken so beloved of Armagh.

It is not unheard of for one team to disrupt another’s big match preparations, the All Black Rugby team complained of food poisoning ahead of their World Cup Final in South Africa. There were allegations that their hosts had introduced some rancid springbok into the stew or whatever it was the Kiwis were eating.

Armagh officials are also investigating reports that the bout of illness could have been caused by swine flu brought across the border from the Free State into South Armagh in a batch of smuggled pigs. As a result of the outbreak, team manager Peter McDonnell also cancelled his post training press conference. Maybe he felt there was enough shite-talk.

As Tyrone writer Brian Friel famously wrote: “Anchored by the ass, bound by the bowels and tethered to the toilet. Tragic.”

We’ll see what happens then when the shit hits the fan on Sunday week in Clones.

Camogie President Joan O’Flynn has announced the establishment of the Association’s first Player Welfare Committee. The Committee, headed up by Stellah Sinnott manager of the 2007 senior All Ireland winning Wexford team, will be comprised of eight current inter-county players and Paula Rankin, Head of Sports Science in Carlow Institute of Technology.

O’Flynn said, “As the national governing body of camogie, it is important that we exercise an active interest in and support for the health, safety and welfare of our players. The establishment of a Player Welfare Committee, headed up by Stellah Sinnott, is a very significant demonstration of this.”

She continued “Player welfare is a shared responsibility between players, coaches, mentors and administrators. There are now more camogie players, more camogie clubs and more camogie competitions than ever before. This means that there are more girls and women playing and undergoing intensive training for camogie.

“Camogie players, as female athletes, have specific issues and experiences, different to their male counterparts. As sporting equals, it is really important that we provide good guidance and best practice on health and well-being issues in recognition of this.

“This Committee, with a clear focus on women in gaelic games, includes a range of members with professional backgrounds in health and sports science. It is an important initiative and I am confident that it will be a positive influence in the future development of camogie and it is recognition of the centrality of the player in our game.”

The Committee will focus on key elements of player welfare. These will include increasing awareness and knowledge of the relationship between good nutrition and sporting performance, and promoting awareness of compliance with anti-doping requirements as set down by the Irish Sports Council.

It will also focus on gathering objective evidence on the extent and nature of player injuries, promoting awareness and education on injury prevention and recovery, and examining the adequacy of player insurance and developing standards of player welfare. This development will culminate in a national strategy and action plan on player welfare.

The eight players are Sally O’Grady (Waterford, Physiotherapist), Jane Adams (Antrim, All Ireland winning senior club captain), Aoife Lane (Galway, undertaking related research in WIT), Rena Buckley (Cork, Physiotherapist, All Ireland winning dual player), Susan O’Carroll (Kildare, UCD Ashbourne Cup captain 2008), Elaine Dermody (Offaly, All Ireland junior finalists 2008), Aileen Donnelly (All Ireland winning Division 4 Meath captain, Physiotherapist), Aine O’Mahony (Laois, member of Harps three-in-row All Ireland junior club champions, undertaking related research in UCD).

Derry will play neighbours Antrim in the Ulster Final after seeing off Down in treacherous weather conditions at Ballerin yesterday.

The opening exchanges were scrappy with both sides trying to get to grips with each other and the weather. Down seemed to settle quicker with Captain Catherine McGourty sending over two astounding frees, one from deep in the midfield area and the other tight on the sideline about 45yards from goal.

Down suffered a blow however when their influential joint captain and midfielder Lisa McCrickard had to retire injured but substitute Orla Maginn entered the fray and quickly added two points which put Down one behind.

The second-half saw Derry come out determined to take the game to Down. Some excellent play from Katie McAuley found Sinead Cassidy who coolly slotted over. It was McAuley who leveled things up after she was played in by Meave Boyle and Katrina O’Kane sealed the victory for Derry slotting home from close range after Down failed to clear their lines.

Derry manager Danny McGrellis was pleased with his side’s performance although he admits they need to work on some aspects of their game: “I’m happy enough with the performance, there’s still work to be done we know that but we’ll take the result. These girls have sold themselves short on a number of occasions and we’re working on the self-belief so it’s nice that they showed character today.”

In the other semi-final Antrim overcame Armagh at Casement Park on Saturday, the girls from the Orchard battled extremely hard but Antrim’s experience shone through and they were able to overcome any obstacles Armagh threw at them.

“At the end of the day we were comprehensively beaten but I’m extremely proud of my players; they battled hard against a far superior team,” said Armagh manager Patsy Magee.

Indeed Antrim captain Kelly Maybin was impressed with how the Orchard girls equipped themselves on Saturday saying: “They were an extremely physical side with some good under 16s coming through. We’re extremely pleased with our performance and the score line suggests we played well.”

“We’re really looking forward to the final against Derry, they always give us a good tight game but we’ll be hoping that we perform,” added Maybin.

Results: Derry 2-8 vs 1-5 Down, Antrim 5-13 vs 2-4 Armagh