Squareball, gaa shop, gaa gear, gaa tshirts, clothing, merchandise.

As All Ireland frenzy reaches fever pitch in Tyrone and Kerry, with all the hype and hullaballoo about the match of the decade, it seems that many ‘true GAA fans’ will not be able to get into Croke Park. Who then are these hoors that take up the seats of the faithful? Who are these men and women who never lift a hands or do a turn in their clubs and never go to matches in the pissing rain and ball freezing cold during the year to support their county? Who are these men and women that slag the shite out of managers and, as so-called supporters, when they do go to matches they hurl abuse at the opposition, the referee and worst of all their own team.

Well here’s where the tickets go. Remember, Croke Park’s capacity is 82,300.

Tickets not available for circulation, in other words some other fella has bought these seats and unless you get lucky, you haven’t a chance. If you know someone on the other hand, an afternoon of prawn sandwiches and hobnobbing with Joe Brolly and the rich and famous could be yours: Long Term (on Cusack Stand) 4,143; Premium and box tickets 10,528; Miscellaneous 122.

TotalAvailable for general circulation: 14,793

These are the tickets that are allocated though county boards and clubs. If you’ve played your part, that’s a head start on All Ireland Day. Make sure you have paid your club membership tho’. People crawling from the woodwork need not apply: County allocations 24,422; Competing county allocations 26,028; Extra for competing counties 5,676

Some of the following allocations inevitable raise a few eyebrows. The Ard Comhairle are the Powers That Be, the High Druids of the GAA. These are the anonymous men and women of the association that do much of the donkey work. Some are as useful as a set of rosary beads in a mosque, others are genuine skins that oil the wheels of the association: Ard-Chomhairle 786; Provincial councils 385

If you know any former presidents, be nice to them. If you don’t, then make a point of getting to know them. Visit them in their dotage, wipe them down and clean up after them; buy them chocolates and whiskey; do them favours. Whatever it takes. They have a shed load of tickets. Alternatively, get yourself elected and you can go to All Irelands from here to eternity: Former presidents 641

The next batch go to the worthy lesser lights of the Association and their maternal cousins. Join your local handball team; coach camogie (some people will go to any lengths) or coach ladies football: Handball 162; Camogie 120; Women’s football 140

The diaspora have long carried the torch in foreign fields. The Singapore Sarsfields, St Ultan’s Ulan Bator or Pearses Phnom Penh. Wherever a ball is kicked or sliotar pucked – tickets are to be found: Overseas 520.

Given the contribution schools and colleges make to the whole effort, no-one can really quibble with teachers getting a perk now and then. Most games teachers have it sorted so they get nearly every year: Schools/education 2,586

Public representatives are politicians. note there is one ticket going free as DUP Minister Gregory Campbell can’t make it on Sunday. Staff and sub-committees are what they say on the tin, so the people that suspend players and make decisions that we argue about in the pub get to go to the All ireland. Guaranteed. Sponsors we feel is a bit low especially now there’s so many of them: Public representatives 132; Staff and subcommittees 1,496; Sponsors671; Ard-Stiúrthóir 326

Why they let the media in the door of Croker is beyond us. Certainly we haven’t been let in yet. After all nearly every winning captain in memory has slagged of the media from the steps of the Hogan. Why not just tell the media to feck off, they’re not getting in and let that be that: Media 245

The following tickets are the players allocations, so if you know someone on a county panel, offer him inducements for his allocation of one or two tickets. Players like things like drink, sweets, pizza, lying in bed and shirt tuggers. If you can oblige with any of the above they will be happy (well the player we’re thinking of will be!). Otherwise leave players from competing counties alone – they have other things to worry about: Minor teams (on day of game) 70; Jubilee teams + CLG/INTO 313; Player’s tickets (competing counties) 540; Intercounty panels 1,920

Finally, match officials get 66 tickets, so they have mates there if the abuse gets really bad. That’s not to mention the National referees panel who get 42 tickets and finally Croke Park workers or Páirc an Chrócaigh teoranta get 220.

The scores on the doors then add up to a Grand total of 67,507

If you haven’t got sorted by now, at least you now know where to look. Otherwise, try going to a few matches next year or better still do something for your local club!

Talking Balls noted with interest the reaction that our recent article on an Olympic Dream attracted some feedback from one of our readers operating under the moniker Tyrone’s Silent Majority. Tis great to get feedback, so thanks TSM for getting in touch.

TSM said our article had nice prose but lacked substance. One of the reasons Talking Balls is with us is to explore the wider limits of the GAA. If you want substance, read Eugene McGee or Liam Hayes; if you want good sports writing read Paddy Heaney or Tom Humphries. If you want to read nonsense full of ‘I seens, we dones, and obviously the lads done wells,’ then read your local paper where every memorial notice and advertisement is fertile ground for a typo or other blunder. If you want to Talk Balls, we’re the men!

Talking Balls is here to explore the sorts of issues that cause endless debate round about 11.47pm on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday night or three o’clock the following morning. We will be heading to Dublin for the All Ireland Final with our ear cocked and pencil at the ready to harvest a whole new batch on nonsense for future columns.

Oh, any back to piece on the Olympics. We expressed the sentiment in the way only we can. Others like Mickey Harte have called for gaelic games in the Olympic before. They’re better than most the tripe we watched. But that’s for the likes of the boul Nickey B to take on board, instead of pursuing his Australian dream and another unnecessary jolly down under.

As for our prose, you may have seen Talking Balls in the programmes in Croke Park and further afield. If GAA does ever make it to the Olympics, we’ll be there. Fact is stranger than fiction.

Colm Cooper has been there and done that, destrying many’s a team in Croker. However ‘The Gooch’ claims there is no extra incentive to beating Tyrone, even though Kerry have yet to beat them in the Championship this decade:

“There is no extra incentive for me anyway, personally. Tyrone, everyone is probably saying that we haven’t beaten them and it’s a huge thing on their back. For some people, that might work for them. But, it doesn’t really wash with me too much because, regardless of who we are playing, I don’t really mind who we win, as long as we come out on the right side with a victory.”"In 2003, we were overrun by them – we didn’t have too many answers at all at all, 2005 was a bit closer of a game. They were better than us on the day but there were stages of that game where one or two things going differently might have changed it. But the personnel has changed a little bit on both teams.

Physically, I would say we have a physical enough team. We have a decent enough presence, which you always have to have against Tyrone, because they are very fit – they are all very, very mobile – and they cause you problems in many, many ways. We will have to try and match up as best as we can with them and, hopefully, the different personnel might help us out as well.

“In 2005, we felt that we got to the All-Ireland, but we had a lot of games from, say, the quarter-final stage on where we won comfortably. We felt we weren’t tested. But, having said that, Tyrone have come the other way this year. They are demolishing teams – they are putting up huge scores. They are there on merit. You can see how good they are in the last few games and how much they have come on – they have had tight games.

“Coming into the final, you are always looking at how you can improve, whether it’s your movement, your work-rate, your kicking, your accuracy – anything like that. That’s the little fine-tuning that happens between here and a final. I just think you have to keep your freshness as best you can and look forward to the match.

“Sometimes, guys go to All-Ireland finals a little bit fearful, I think. But I think you have to enjoy it, enjoy the build-up a little bit. Everyone knows their own little things, and come September 21st, I hope that there’s a big performance in Colm Cooper and Kerry are winning another All-Ireland.”

“You are hoping that there is a big performance in you for the final, and that’s certainly something that I will be looking for. It’s kind of demanding it from yourself at this stage now. All-Ireland final day in Croke Park – that’s the day to perform. That’s why you train all season for it. The break was hopefully a bit refreshing for me as well.

Gooch took time out last winter to tour the States. The break from the game obviously refreshed him and opened his eyes a little to the pulling power of the GAA.

“So many guys in Chicago, where I was living for a while, were saying: ‘This is where I watch the match.’ And, in their time, it would eight o’clock in the morning and you are saying: ‘Jesus’. It’s obviously huge in Ireland, but you never think that there is people in different parts of the world watching it too and it means a lot to them. It definitely opened my eyes that way, and (I) realised that it is a global event now. Just in case we didn’t know how big it was, this brings it home to how big it really is.”

To get an idea of where the Tyrone success thus far is coming from, Sean Cavanagh went on the record to explain how criticism early in the season spurred them on:

“People were criticising Mickey Harte and the players. We decided to regroup and do this for ourselves. That motto stood us in good stead. As a player I try to avoid the hype and the buzz, because there wasn’t too much of it when we were in Drogheda (for the qualifier game against Louth) and Tyrone couldn’t sell 700 tickets for the game.

“Once the players started to get criticised they really showed their true colours. They are winners at all levels and when you get that sort of criticism, you are going to come out of your corner fighting. When you had that many people willing to put their bodies on the line in training, you always knew that something good was going to happen. And it happened.”

The Moy clubman praised Fergal McCann, for the major role he has played in developing a conditioning programme for the players. “In every other year, including ‘05 when we won the All-Ireland, we had no conditioning, no weights, and no programme at all. That has been the big change this year. There has been a lot more attention to detail in training.

“Fergal has been taking extra sessions since January for guys who felt they weren’t up to the pace. I was injured for most of the league, but trained twice a week in the dark nights of January, February and March. We have squad sessions on Tuesday and Thursday and Fergal takes extra sessions (locally) on Monday and Wednesday. Anyone behind in their fitness goes to him these nights.”

SÍLE Burns was the two-goal star as Cork reclaimed the O’Duffy Cup with a five-point victory against Galway in Sunday’s Gala All-Ireland senior camogie championship final at Croke Park. Beaten finalists last year, Cork returned to the top of the pile as they collected a 23rd senior title to move just three behind Dublin on the all-time honours list.

This was Cork’s first success since 2006 but this hard-fought win marked their fourth victory in this competition in seven seasons, a testament to their remarkable consistency. Galway were appearing in their first final since 1998, when they were also beaten by Cork, having achieved a last-gasp semi-final victory over last year’s winners Wexford.

Jessie Gill was the goal heroine on that occasion and the Athenry teenager was in good form from placed balls in front of 18,727 spectators at GAA HQ. Gill scored eight points, seven from frees and a 45, but she was unfortunate to see a second half penalty saved by Cork’s brilliant goalkeeper Aoife Murray. Galway centre forward Therese Maher was fouled by Cork full back and captain Caitriona Foley and Gill’s resultant penalty was blocked by Murray at a crucial stage in the match.

Cork led by just two points, 2-5 to 1-6, prior to the penalty award and moved three clear again when the impressive Rachel Moloney converted a point from play in the 39th minute. Murray may have felt under pressure to redeem herself after allowing Áine Hillary’s speculative shot to drop into the far corner of the net three minutes before half-time. Hillary was shooting for a point from the left wing but the flight of the sliotar deceived the otherwise flawless Murray for Galway’s only score from play of the entire game. That goal handed the Tribeswomen a real lifeline before half-time as they went in just a point behind at the break, 1-5 to 2-3.

Galway, the only team to defeat the Leesiders in the round-robin stage, opened the game with four unanswered points in the opening ten minutes from Gill, three frees and a 45, before the Rebelettes settled. Rachel Moloney’s free after eleven minutes was Cork’s opening score but all of Galway’s good early work was undone when the lethal Síle Burns scored the first of her two goals with 17 minutes on the watch. Eimear O’Sullivan’s ball in from the left touchline broke between Galway corner back Sandra Tannion and Cork’s Elaine O’Riordan; Burns was onto it in a flash and the Rockbán star found the bottom corner.

The tireless Briege Corkery added a point from play, Moloney converted a 45 and Cork had turned a four-point deficit into a two-point advantage in the space of nine minutes. Galway kept plugging away in the second half but their lack of scores from play proved a hindrance as Gill kept the Westerners in touch with some brilliant free-taking.

The penalty miss was a crucial turning point but equally, Susan Earner in the Galway goal was kept busy with saves from Una O’Donoghue and Burns. At the other end, Murray’s save from Deirdre Burke deep in stoppage time topped the lot, a breathtaking stop as the Galway sub looked certain to bulge the net. That was Galway’s last salvo as Cork held out for a victory which they craved after suffering the heartbreak of final defeat against Wexford 12 months ago.

Cork scorers: R Moloney 0-7 (4f, 2 45s), S Burns 2-0, O Cotter, B Corkery & E O’Sullivan 0-1 each.

Galway scorers: J Gill 0-8 (7f, 1 45), A Hillary 1-0.

CORK: A Murray; L O’Connell, C Foley, J O’Callaghan; G O’Connor, M O’Connor, S Hayes; O Cotter, B Corkery; A O’Regan, U O’Donoghue, E O’Sullivan; S Burns, R Moloney, E O’Riordan.

SUBS: E O’Farrell for O’Riordan (h/t), R Buckley for O’Connell (40m), L Dorgan for O’Regan (57m).

GALWAY: S Earner; S Tannion, A Kelly, T Manton; A-Marie Hayes, S Cahalan, N Kilkenny; A Hillary, S Noone; M Dunne, T Maher, V Curtin; O Kilkenny, J Gill, B Kerins.

SUBS: L Kavanagh for Dunne (h/t), C Cormican for Noone (48m), D Burke for Kerins (58m).

Referee: E Browne (Tipperary)

SHÓNAGH Enright scored an injury-time winning goal for Clare as the Banner County claimed the Gala All-Ireland junior camogie crown for the first time since 1986.

Clare bounced back from the heartbreak of three final defeats in the previous five seasons, including last year’s heartbreaking loss to Derry, to finally record a fourth All-Ireland crown at this grade. Offaly, who were chasing a very first success in this competition, were left devastated as Enright, introduced 12 minutes after half-time, handpassed the sliotar to the net with a minute and a half of stoppage time played.

Offaly, who led by 1-7 to 1-3 at half-time, looked to have weathered a second half storm from Clare but they were caught right at the death by Enright. Twice Clare fought back to within a point of their opponents in the second half while at the other end, goalkeeper Denise Lynch kept the Munster outfit in the game with two superb saves.

Enright’s late clincher was harsh on Joachim Kelly’s Offaly, who bounced back from a poor start to lead by four points at the halfway point of an entertaining encounter.

Clare star Carina Roseingrave netted after just five minutes but Offaly hit back with a run of points and the sides were level twice before the midway point in the first half. Offaly, with Arlene Watkins and Tina Hannon in good form, assumed almost complete control before the break and Watkins found the net ten minutes before half-time, showing great skill to control captain Marion Crean’s lengthy delivery before cutting through on goal.

Two further points opened up a 1-7 to 1-2 lead for the Faithful County before Claire Commane hit back for Clare with the final score of the half, her side’s first point for 16 minutes.

A brace of Laura Linnane frees after half-time brought Clare right back into contention before goalkeeper Lynch was called upon to keep out Claire Nevin in the 43rd minute, and Jean Brady just three minutes later. Those point-blank saves proved crucial for Clare and although Offaly led by three points, 1-10 to 1-7, with eight minutes remaining, Linnane’s fourth point of the second half offered a glimmer of hope before Enright struck with that last gasp winner.

Scorers for Clare: C Roseingrave & S Enright 1-1 each, L Linnane 0-4, (3f), S McMahon & C Commane 0-1 each.

Scorers for Offaly: T Hannon 0-4, A Watkins 1-1, S Flannery 0-2 (1f), M Morkan 0-2f, F Stephens 0-1.

CLARE: D Lynch; C Hally, S Lafferty, A McInerney; K Lynch, D Corcoran, J Scanlon; C Morey, D Murphy; C Roseingrave, S McMahon, L Linnane; A Ryan, C McMahon, C Commane.

SUBS: F Lafferty for Morey (23m), S Enright for Ryan (42m), Ryan for S McMahon (48m).

OFFALY: A Kennedy; A Kelly, E Darmody, K Brady; S O’Sullivan, M Morkan, L Sullivan; M Crean, K Nugent; S Flannery, T Hannon, M Davis; F Stephens, N McCabe, A Watkins.

SUBS: J Feighery for K Brady (22m), L Keena for Kelly (h/t), J Brady for Davis (38m), A Corrigan for Flannery (50m), A Kelly for J Brady (50m).

Referee: U Kearney (Armagh)

TALKING BALLS EXCLUSIVE:

First images of Stevie O’Neill’s return to Tyrone training.

Following the sensational news that 2005 Player of the Year has returned to the Tyrone fold Talking Balls has exclusive images of the returning Ace Attacker.

Talking Balls can exclusively confirm that O’Neill’s return has been on the cards for some time.

The shock news has been flagged up by a number of media outlets in recent weeks with increasing speculation that something was on the cards.

Talking Balls understands that one of the reasons for the unexpected delay in his return has been Stevie’s wish to grow a decent oul beard so that he will easily fit in with the other lads in the Tyrone set up. Today he returned to training in disguise but nothing can mistake that famous walk and the luxuriant beard which is sure to become one of the most familiar sights in the GAA this September.