Squareball, gaa shop, gaa gear, gaa tshirts, clothing, merchandise.

On the back of Tyrone’s Minor/Senior All Ireland double there has been a lot of guff about the future of Tyrone football. The so-called experts reckon that of any successful All Ireland Minor team, as few as maybe three or four will make it through to represent the county at senior level. A cursory glance at teamsheets of yore throws up a whiff of nostalgia and raises the inevitable question what happened to your man? Talking Balls investigates.

We spoke to one goalkeeper from a successful minor side in the eighties. He had saved last minute penalties and dived at the feet of more goalsharks that Jacques Cousteau.

“I went off to England to play soccer. They signed me up and like a fool, off I went, my head full of nonsense. I was homesick and lonely, I missed the club but I stuck it out. I didn’t want to be labelled a failure. I played in the Hiace Pick Up trophy but it was nothin’ like Croke Park in September. I had WAGs chasin’ me, I had the car and the house but them boys were only interested in the money. Out kissing the badge, sure they kissed a different one every year.” He’s back coaching with his local GAA club and boy does he love it.

One fella we tracked down to a welder’s yard up North. He had played no 11 on a sprightly Ulster team that looked set to wipe out all that stood in its path, our guy the man of the moment. It all went through him and he was tipped for great things as a senior.

Not so. “I stepped on a nail two weeks after the All Ireland semi final and had to be hospitalised with blood poisoning. When I was in there I met a nurse from the Phillipines called Rosanna. She was giving me a bed bath one night and sure enough when our eyes met across the bedpan it was love at first sight . We toured the world and had nine weans. Now I’m out kicking football with the same boys in our over forties team. Sure it’s deadly altogether.”

Down the wesht we came across a big lad who towered his way through an All Ireland campaign. He had long since succumbed to the demon drink, a haunted look in his eyes when we spoke. The first pints thrust under his nose by backslappers. He didn’t like the taste much but pretty soon attracted the sobriquet George for the amount of women and pints he went through. Where did it all go wrong we asked him. His answer? “It didn’t.”

A number of young fellas we met over the last week had won All Ireland medals at minor, under 21 and senior. What is it that makes these lads different? Is it the talent? Is it the hard work? The skill level? The fitness? A mixture of all the above? Whatever.

For everyone, life follows a different path. Not worse, just different.

Disclaimer: Any similarity to real life players is purely intentional.

EDEL Hanley kicked ten points as Tipperary captured the TG4 All-Ireland Ladies intermediate title with a three-point victory over Clare at Croke Park on Sunday.

The Premier County made it third time lucky against their Munster rivals this year, having fallen to two defeats against the Banner County earlier in the season. This hard-fought victory was Tipperary’s very first All-Ireland ladies crown at any grade since 1980, when senior success was achieved. Shanahoe star Hanley, who landed seven frees, was the scoring heroine with seven of her points popped over during the second half.

Five minutes after half-time, Clare led by four points but a remarkable run from Tipperary, which saw their opponents held scoreless for the final 18 minutes of play, saw Paddy Morrissey’s charges emerge victorious. In the last quarter of the game, Tipperary scored six points without reply to turn a 1-8 to 0-8 deficit into an eventual win. At half-time, the sides were level at 0-5 apiece and dangerous Clare forward Áine Kelly went closest to a goal after just three minutes as she dragged a shot wide at the Hill 16 end.

Clare led by 0-3 to 0-1 after just four minutes but Tipp hit back in a tit-for-tat opening half and had edged 0-5 to 0-4 ahead after 20 minutes before Kelly levelled the match on the stroke of half-time. The sides traded points after the break before the pendulum swung dramatically in Clare’s favour when Majella Griffin’s speculative 35th-minute free from the 20m line on the Hogan Stand side dipped into the net over the head of Patricia Hickey.

Kelly tagged on a point and now leading by four, 1-7 to 0-6, Clare looked the most likely winners. But they hadn’t banked on a spirited comeback from Tipperary, spearheaded by Hanley, veteran Angie McDermott and Siobhán Costello at left half back.

Tipp ran at their opponents in waves and Hanley profited from frees as Clare defenders dragged down their opponents.
Majella Griffin’s point 12 minutes after half-time proved to be Clare’s last score of the entire match and a blistering run of six unanswered points, including five from Hanley, secured the title for Tipp.

Clare, who had looked threatening in the first half, had no answers as Tipp tightened up considerably in defence and powered forward by midfield pair McDermott and Mairéad Morrissey, daughter of team manager Paddy, the Premier County ran out deserving winners.

Clare scorers: M Griffin 1-3f, A Kelly 0-4, L Henchy 0-1.

Tipperary scorers: E Hanley 0-10 (7f), S Costello, A McDermott, M Morrissey & G O’Brien 0-1 each.

CLARE: D Walsh; L Kelly, S Kelly, M Delaney; G Lynch, T Hehir, S Eustace; S Malone, L Henchy; M Considine, M Kelly, U Downes; A Kelly, E Considine, M Griffin.

SUBS: F Lafferty for M Kelly (3m), N Keane for Downes (20m), C Considine for Eustace (49m).

TIPPERARY: P Hickey; A O’Dwyer, M Corcoran, C Carroll; A O’Dwyer, T McManus, S Costello; A McDermott, M Morrissey; C Lambert, S Carew, J Grant; E Carroll, G O’Brien, E Hanley.

SUBS: M Luttrell for Grant (42m), C Walsh for E Carroll (42m), N Ferris for Lambert (48m).

Ref: L McDonagh (Sligo).

Mars have relaunched their iconic ‘Mars a Day Helps You Work Rest and Play’ campaign with a little help from their friends in the GAA and other sports.

The PR blurb from Mars tells Talking Balls that every sports star had a different way of relaxing the night before the-game, with many of the younger stars using i-pods and DVD’s. Former Munster Rugby Captain Anthony Foley rather unusually stated he relaxed by “walking to and back from his local-petrol station”. Looper.

Former Cork star turned pundit, Tomas Mulcahy stated that Cork hurlers used to relax the night before an All-Ireland by-spending a night together at the dogs in Shelbourne Park! Rather predictably hurling machine Seán Óg Ó hAilpín relaxed by “performing stretches listening-to my i-pod”.

And while most people stated that their ideal way of spending down time was – holidaying with loved ones, some were brave enough to admit their real-fantasy.

Joe Canning admitted that should he lead Galway to All-Ireland-success, a holiday in the Caribbean with Halle Berry would be his ideal way-to relax, while Seán Óg whom many thought only used his balls for pucking, revealed that Eva Mendes on any Island in the Pacific would make his day. Pucking about, under the setting sun. Bliss.

Watching Eva bend, lift and shape to strike would cause any hurler to straighten up his stick.

That much maligned and endangered species, the GAA referee, is to be given additional powers if plans before next month’s special congress are passed.

Under the new proposals, players that receive a yellow card will be replaced by a substitute for the remainder of the game. Yellow card offences that qualify include “to pull down an opponent, to trip an opponent with hand(s), foot or hurley”.

Specific offences will also include “to deliberately body collide with an opponent after he has played the ball away or for the purpose of taking him out of a movement of play, to bring an arm (or hurley) around the neck of an opponent, to wrestle with an opponent, on the ground, and away from the play to remonstrate in an aggressive manner with a Match Official”.

Plans to address burnout by replacing the U21 championships with U20 competitions will also be discussed, as will the seemingly very popular plan to admit Antrim and Galway into the Leinster Hurling Championship. An American Jewish Pork butcher at the Al Qaeda AGM would be more welcome wethinks.

Speaking of referees, high profile whistler Paddy Russell is bringing out his autobiography. Surely to be a bestseller, Paddy’s book Final Whistle is launched by GAA President Nickey Brennan at the Golden Thatch, Emly, County Tipperary on 1 October. Our press notice says that GAA supporters everywhere are invited to attend on the night – dunno if they really mean that but there you have it.

In case you’ve forgotton Paddy’s campaign medals include the 1995 All Ireland Final when Charlie Redmond failed to leave the field; the same day he controversially disallowed Peter Canavan’s equalising point; the Battle of Omagh in 2006; the Meath – Dublin row in 2008 and, most famously, the Paul Galvin handbag slap this summer. If you didn’t know better you’d think controversy follows Paddy like an oul lost dog. Whatever. Get the book and read all about it.

Martin Breheny, Sean Moran, Cliona Foley, Vincent Hogan – household names to GAA fans country-wide. All stand charged of unprecedented levels of begrudgery and sour grapes following Tyrone’s seismic victory over Kerry last Sunday.

Is it because the famous green and gold lends itself to more poetic reporting than the well-drilled shock troops of the Red Hands? Is it because the so-called ‘Twin Towers’ make for a better headline? Likewise the neat symmetry of a three-in-a-row which the media somehow decreed was Kerry’s by right? According to a bevvy of pundits, all they had to do was turn up at headquarters with their team loaded with superstars and claim the treble which would again copper fasten their status as GAA Royalty. Well every team writes its own script.

We had Cliona Foley reporting on ‘a stark image of Joe McMahon trash talking young Kerry star Tommy Walsh’. The poor cub. My heart was bleedin’ when I read that one. According to my programme Walsh is six foot four and sixteen and a half stone. If push came to shove, I’m sure the big lad could look after himself. He would only need to have looked a few yards to his left to watch Star Donaghy talk another ref through the game as he always does. Any mention of that? No. Both were cleaned out. End of story.

We had Martin Breheny spout his load on the need for a clampdown on disruptive fouling. Breheny’s perceptive, acute and precise observational skills informed him that the foul count was 26-17 against Tyrone yet Kerry outscored them 6-2 on yellow cards. How could this be? Well Martin, in the game that I watched three Kerry men were booked for dangerous fouls – O’Mahony, Donaghy and Darragh O Se. Twice trash talking Joe McMahon was clothes-lined by a Kerry man – one of the offences incidentally that would have resulted in an instant punitive yellow card and removal from the field of play under the new proposals. Did any of these fellas report that? No.

Breheny also objected to some theatrical fouls by Tyrone. The man whose name will forever lie in ignominy this summer for his Oscar winning theatricals is Aidan O Mahony who has since received an All Star nomination for the position of Best Supporting Actress so Martin you’re clutching at straws big time.

Did we hear the Kerrymen complain? No, they took their defeat with dignity and grace, as did the hosts of supporters that shook this particular bollix’s hands as he clambered over seat and prone Kerry supporter on his way to invade the pitch. It was unedifying and undignified but as a spectacle was nowhere near as unedifying and undignified as the efforts of the Sunday Game pundits to save face after they all got it so spectacularly WRONG. Tony Davis warbled away like a sparrow on acid; Big Tohill mealy-mouthed trying to belatedly fly the Ulster flag whilst Kevin McStay pouted as if he’d just been told that the shoes he wanted so badly didn’t fit after all. And as for Spillane? Amadan I think is the word as gaeilge.

GAA fans in the Kingdom and Tyrone are gradually winding down at work these few days before they head up to Dublin for the weekend and the craic.

Fans in both counties are going frantic buying t shirts, spraying cars, braiding their hair – and of course growing beards. In other words, whatever they can be at to avoid doing a day’s work. A spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry had no idea at all of the effect on productivity of an Ulster team appearing in an All Ireland final.

Of course Tyrone’s ridiculous beards have been grabbing the headlines and last week in Armagh at the Irish News Awards, Kingdom Legend Eoin ‘The Bomber’ Lison claimed kinship with his beardfellows in the Tyrone camp. Many across the county have now set aside the razor ahead of the big day.

But for other fans there are more ingenious ways of showing your support. Sheep and some white geese were seen cowering against a wall in Plumbridge, fearful of another spraying with red paint. Down in Kerry, where they scarcely get excited about these things, there were a few signs of enthusiasm when Paddy Heaney headed down that way last week to report for the Irish News. Aparently he couldn’t walk down the street without bumpinig into another legend.

One thing’s for sure no matter which way the game turns, Sunday in Croker will be a riot of colour and noise. If you’re there make sure you make yourself heard.

Tyrone’s appearance in the All Ireland Final is causing some consternation among the non GAA fraternity and, sadly it has to be said, amongst mischief makers.

In Strabane Unionists have expressed some disquiet that the Tinnies scupltures have donned the now obligatory Tyrone strip to celebrate the County’s success. A County flag had to be reomved from the Fire Station under politically correct protocols and some other person had to take a flag off a car.

Local Unionist representative Derek Hussey said: “The Unionist community is the minority community. The Flags and Emblems Act was designed to create a neutral work place. We have had incidents before in workplaces where people were asked to remove football flags and people were denied the opportunity to wear their poppy around Remembrance day.”

Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff, a staunch supporter of Tyrone, said: “The Sam Maguire Cup will hopefully be making its way northwards on Monday 22 September. Sam Maguire was a Protestant, of course, but it might not be terribly relevant to cite his religion. You see, religion is not what sport is about. The Tyrone flag is red and white. Sometimes it includes the red hand. It belongs to everyone. If anybody outside Tyrone wants to support the Tyrone teams next Sunday, you should buy a flag or perhaps make your own. Tyrone shops are selling them, they are that popular.”

Seems you can’t please all the people all the time.

This week in Talking Balls, with all the hype about beards, we sent Resident Expert Ger Manas out on the highways and byways of Tyrone. No, not in search of a ticket (by the way if you have any send them in), but on the hunt for the Bearded Men and Ladies of Tyrone.

I decided to see how things were up in East Tyrone round the Lough Shore. There’s fierce strong wind blows in off the Lough there and there’s hardy boys round Ardboe, Derrylaughan, Clonoe and Brockagh and the like, so there was plenty of stubble and whiskers on show to protect them from the ill winds that blow across the Lough from their neighbours.

Folks up there also have the added advantage of living close to Derry which every day gives them something to be thankful for. Reports are legion of supporters of the Oak Leaf from around the Loup, Ballinderry (there are a few Derry wans in Ballinderry) and Ballymaguigan wishing Tyrone all the best. One fella used to play for Derry sez to me: “What better way for Derry people to celebrate the fifteenth anniversary since we won Sam for our one and only time than for Tyrone to win it again and for the third time as well. That would be brilliant. The entire county will behind the Red Hands.”

Not to be left out, I ran into a few diehard Tyrone ladies who swore undying love for the boys. They said: “Ger these lads have made so many sacrifices for playing for Tyrone. We just hope on Sunday night they can relax and wet the beards for a while. It’s certainly whetting our appetite for Sunday.” Well said girls.

I remember talking to an oul fella called Tom Rodgers who hailed from Rouskey direction. Tom steered himself about with two walking sticks he was fit to handle as well as an of the Munster men and their hurleys. Sez he to me:

“‘N’dammit it’s as cold up there in them hills as the North Pole. There’s many’s the men and weemen would be glad of a beard of they could get one. When the drop of the good stuff doesn’t work ye have to do what you can to stay warm.”

Where else then for us to go then than Rouskey, up thonder beside the chapel. I met a stern cussed lookin’ hoor talking to a few cowz. It turned out he claimed to be a relative of Colm O’Rourke. He reckoned Brian Dooher was the man and had told Colm so at a wake or funeral some years back. It hadn’t gone down well at all and he doesn’t like bein’ toul he looks like O’Rourke. Can’t say I blame him.

Onwards we moved in the direction of Carrickmore. There’s many’s the republican in Carrickmore and they have a reputation for having deadly beards altogether. It goes back to the time when patriotic Irish men liked nothing better than to have a big beard to hide pikes and musket loaders in. As the mans says, never know when you might have to shove a loaded weapon into a beard.

I met another fella up there who declined to disclose his real identity but would only confirm that he was a distant relative of Colm ‘the Gooch’ Cooper. He had moved to Carmen years previously as an economic migrant seeking work, had got some casual labour working on the reconstruction of the Nally Stand in Pairc Colmcille and occasionally kicks balls himself. Not much craic tho’.

Down the road to Omagh I drove, past a farmer shearing a sheep, what else would he be at? We stopped and asked him had he not heard Tyrone were in the All Ireland and that all shaving, plucking and waxing was on hold until after Sunday. He says: “Sure don’t I know it. The nephew’s sellin’ false beards out of the back of a Hiace van and he’s run out of wool. The SOS came up this morning – Shear Our Sheep.”

I dislike Tyrone as much as the next man, but I can tell ye, the place is goin’ clean mad about this All Ireland Final!

The Minister for Culture, Arts and Leisure in the North, Gregory Campbell made the headlines during the week when he attended the opening of the new St Brigid’s GAC Grounds in Musgrave Park, South Belfast.

St Brigid’s has established itself and grown dramatically by taking advantage of the influx of nouveau riche families to the traditionally posh Malone Road area of Belfast. Many of the ‘blow-ins’ were former members of Queen’s University and the Poly Gaelic Football teams who chose to settle in the area. They include the likes of Joe Brolly , Eunan Conway, Conor McSherry and Dermot Dowling. The club has gone from strength to strength. It made history by providing opposition for the PSNI team playing in their first match.

Years back the thought of a thriving GAA club in the area would have been unthinkable. The parish of St Brigid’s and its original chapel in Derryvolgie was created to provide a place of worship for the catholic servants who worked in the big houses on the neighbouring Malone Road. How times have changed. Talking Balls wishes them all fraternal greetings and congratulations.

Gregory Campbell would not come across as a GAA afficionado by any means. Soccer is Gregory’s sport and his team is Raonaithe Glaschu. To be fair he was happy to attend St Bigid’s event, saying there was “nothing unusual” about his acceptance of an invitation. However, never one to miss a trick Gregory said the GAA as a body still needed to make changes. The details of such changes, he told the News Letter newspaper, he intended to highlight in the near future.

“I said that there were a number of steps the GAA as an organisation have taken which have been quite positive in recent years regarding rule changes and involvement with other sports,” he explained. “But I said that there are a number of other steps that they needed to take and Saturday was not the day to deal with these.”

Mr Campbell said much of the reaction to his acceptance of the invitation from St Brigid’s GAC was “overstated”. He added: “I am not minister of some sports, I am minister of sport, so I don’t think it should be that unusual for me to be invited to a sporting event and to go to it.”

It is understood that Mr Campbell is unable to attend Sunday’s All Ireland Football final but will nevertheless be supporting his fellow Brethren from Ulster in the Final.