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1-2-3-4 Squaring up to be Suir

Forty-five years and counting since Waterford last made it to an All Ireland - then they were defeated by Kilkenny 4.17 to 6.8. Forty-nine years since they won it beating, yes Kilkenny 3.12 to 1.10.

The counties lie in such close proximity with the Deise living in Kilkenny and vice-versa. The match pits members of the one family against one another. Consider the case of the Chairman of Kilkenny County Council Tomas Breathnach and his brother the Mayor of Waterford Jack Walsh. Both born in Kilkenny - Jack considers himself  a true Waterford man and has his colours firmly nailed to the blue and white mast.

Sunday week then, will the Deise be good enough to stop the mighty Cats and their three in a row? Has Davy Fitz done enough to overcome years of underachieving? Will the iconoclasts from Waterford have the class to turn up and win?

Well, as legendary punk rocker Johnny Ramone famously told Paul Simonon of the Clash in 1976: “You don’t have to be good, just get out there and play”.

“Hey Ho Lets Go
Shoot em’ in the back now
What they want, I don’t know
They’re all revved up and ready to go. . .”

The Camogs of India thank their supporters - fact or Bollywood fiction?

“So you wish to conquer in the Olympic Games, my friend? And I too, by the Gods, and a fine thing it would be!” 

Since the 1970s when IOC President Avery Brundage stepped down the Olympics has steadily lost the lustre of amateurism. Nowadays the only sport that remains truly amateur is boxing and that is a shame. Until now that is. 

“But first mark the conditions and the consequences, and then set to work.” 

If the Olympic movement is after a truly amateur sport, where else to look than pursuits Gaelic And Athletic? Where a man or woman does their day’s work and then heads back out the door to chase a higher love? To stand exhausted, exhilarated on the field of battle, playing only for the badge? If baseball is an Olympic sport, then why not hurling and football and camogie? 

“You will have to put yourself under discipline; to eat by rule, to avoid cakes and sweetmeats; to take exercise at the appointed hour whether you like it or no, in cold and heat; to abstain from cold drinks and from wine at your will; in a word, to give yourself over to the trainer as to a physician.”

Yes, we have a dream, that the camogs of Wexford, and Tipp, from Cork and Derry can pit themselves against the so solid crew of Uzbekistan or the nippy corner forwards from Japan; against the high fielding of an elegant South African side, replete with tall masai warrior princesses i lar na pairce. We have a dream where the iomanadors from the red hills of Georgia, hurl against their brothers from Russia. We have a dream where Eoin Kelly and Henry Shefflin each raises a clenched hand, not in a black power salute, but rising instead to claim a ball in the small parallelogram of the Olympic stadium to claim Olympic Gold. We have a dream.

“Then in the conflict itself you are likely enough to dislocate your wrist or twist your ankle, to swallow a great deal of dust, or to be severely thrashed, and, after all these things, to be defeated.” 

We have a dream, in Olympic gaelic football, the shamatuerism of the Iron Curtain will be replaced by the blanket defence, the two-man full-forward line, and the mercurial centre forward. We have a dream where Kerryman, Corkman, Dub and bearded Tyroneman will win gold, judged not by the colour of their shirt but by the character of their play. We have a dream. 

And the cry will go up, under the five Olympic Rings: “Free at least, free at least – for God’s sake Ref, a free at least.” 

Quotes from Epictetus

Meteor and Kilmacud Crokes announced details of the annual Meteor Kilmacud Crokes All-Ireland Hurling Sevens that will take place on Saturday 6th of September 2008. Proudly supporting the official launch of the 35th Hurling Sevens were Paraic Duffy, Director General of the GAA, Conor Carmody, Meteor’s Director of Marketing and current Cork and Cloyne player Donal Óg Cusack. Also present were former inter-county stars, Michael Duignan of Offaly and Sunday Game fame, Richie Power, Carrickshock native and father of current Kilkenny forward Richie Power (Jnr) and from Waterford the current team selector Peter Queally.

With 40 senior clubs from nine counties competing for the Cup and 16 teams battling it out for the Shield, this year’s tournament guarantees thrilling action and entertainment for players and supporters alike on the eve of the All-Ireland Hurling Final. The tournament will involve over 50 games, played in 6 venues around the Stillorgan area.  Group games begin at 10.30am, with the throw in for the final scheduled for approximately 6.45pm at the Kilmacud Crokes home ground Páirc de Burca, Glenalbyn in Stillorgan village.

Tom Barry, Chairman of Kilmacud Crokes Hurling, welcomed all participants and highlighted that the Meteor Cup is now one of the most coveted prizes in Club Hurling. He also looks forward to a winning relationship with new sponsor, Meteor.

Meteor’s Director of Marketing, Conor Carmody today said, “This is Meteor’s first year as sponsor and we are extremely proud to support such a prestigious sporting event that recognises the wealth of talent that Clubs all over Ireland have to offer. Meteor has long been recognised as the competitive force in the mobile market and we look forward to an equally competitive display of hurling on the 6th of September.”

A host of inter-county players will be in action on the day. The defending champion’s team, Sarsfields from Cork, will include Cork forward Kieran Murphy. Host club and last year’s losing finalists, Kilmacud Crokes will feature Dublin hurlers Ross O’Carroll, James Burke and Niall Corcoran. With team members on duty the following day, Kilkenny’s, Ballyhale Shamrocks (2007 All-Ireland Club Champions) will surely miss Henry Shefflin and Cha Fitzpatrick while from Waterford, Ballygunner will be minus Paul Flynn and Passage East must plan without Eoin Kelly. Carrickshock from Kilkenny and The Déises Abbeyside and Fourmilewater will also compete for honours.

A strong Cork club contingent includes Cloyne (home of The Rock and Donal Óg), Midleton and Carrigtwohill (Niall McCarthy). Joe Deane will line out for his club, Killeagh. There are also large representations from Tipperary including Borris-lleigh (5 times Cup winners) and Toomevara (home of Benny and Tommy Dunne) and from Galway among others, Clarenbridge (Alan Kerins and David Forde) and Kinvara (Shane Kavanagh). Teams >from Limerick, Dublin, Antrim and Wicklow will complete the impressive line-up. Supporters on the day can also be in with a chance to win tickets to the All-Ireland Hurling Final and a Meteor mobile!

The event is also supporting the Headsup , text referral service from Rehab Care, which aims to help young adults in difficulty by offering support group information for a range of issues via Freetext on 50424.

For more information:  www.kilmacudcrokes-hurling.com.                                                                                             

Would you swap shirts with these men?

Interesting times in Derry with hurling manager Brian McGilligan due to appear in front of a County Board ‘court’ now that the U-21 hurlers have been knocked out of the Championship. McGilligan and former Minor football manager Niall Conway have displeased the Derry Co Board with their unflattering comments about the levels of support they received this year.

 McGilligan of course has enjoyed unprecedented success with his U-21 squad, beating Ulster’s self proclaimed hurling superpower Antrim in consecutive years and performing creditably in All Ireland semi-finals against Dublin and Tipp. Should the County have been proud of these achievements? Yes. Did they do everything they could to get behind the lads in their unlikely quest for All Ireland glory? Definitely not. Here’s the case against.

The Derry hurlers and camogs were scheduled to play in a double header last Saturday in Mullingar. The camogs, whose state of penury is legendary, managed to bring the girls down the night before meaning they didn’t have to travel for four or more hours the morning of the game. The hurlers? They weren’t given the option to travel the night before. Nor were they given any gear - tracksuits, wet gear, not even a t shirt ahead of their All Ireland semi final.

According to McGilligan because the players had swapped shirts in the previous game the management had to compile a set of shirts from four other strips for the match. The strip used didn’t have the now complusory number on its shirt front. Was anyone from the county board there to take note? If they were they would also have noticed the ragamuffin Dolly Mixture appearance of the players on the field warming up. There were club and college tracksuits and rain jackets galore but not a Derry jacket or top in sight. Is this the way the Derry Board want their representatives togged out for the county’s only All Ireland championship semi final this year.

 The Tipp players obviously realised that the Derry shirts were a gather up as to a man they refused to swap shirts after the game saying they were told they weren’t allowed to. If anyone from the GPA us reading maybe they could give the Derry hurlers a shout - they might have an interesting tale to tell.

Tyrone’s beards, now girls be shaving badly. Just like watching Brazil?

There has been much speculation in the media in recent weeks on the reasons for Tyrone’s increasingly hirsute appearance in their championship matches. According to one story Mickey Harte, himself no stranger to a bit of facial hair, told an inspirational story at training one night about Samson and Delilah that led some of the lads to abandon the Gillette Mach 3 and let their hair down.

Defender Ciaran Gourley offers a more prosaic take on things explaining that as a teacher by profession he simply was too lazy to shave during the summer holidays from school. That may explain his own appearance and that of Joe McMahon but what of Martin Penrose, Ryan McMenanim and old ginger beard himself Owen Mulligan?

What then can the punters expect to see when Tyrone take the field on Sunday? Will it look like Osama Bin Laden and the boys have abandoned the Jihad to kick a bit of ball for the Red Hands? Time will tell.

Worryingly, Talking Balls has learned (as we do) that emboldened by the actions of the Tyrone players, a number of camogie and ladies football teams are considering what they might ‘grow’ as a team building exercise. Derry Ladies Football skipper Louise Glass ponders the matter in her column on RTE.ie saying:

“I was wondering what ‘challenge’ us lady footballers could set ourselves as we get down to the last two games of the season. Well, the most obvious one is not shaving our legs. . . we could do a Julia Roberts and not shave our underarms, but again there’s no maximum impact visible unless of course for the winning team, dressed in their best dresses for the post-final dinner. But then that’s really not the best way to promote the ‘lady’ in the lady footballer!! I’m running out of options here - we could grow our fingernails. . .”

There is of course one other option. . .  but then that wouldn’t be just like watching Brazil. Still, anyone for a bit of samba?

Aidan O’Mahony manages to stay on his feet whilst accepting the ‘Diver of the Year’ Award

Kerry’s Aidan O’Mahony has only himself to blame for all the opprobium he has attracted since his Oscar winning performance at Croker on Sunday.

In the greatest display of theatre seen in headquarters since the launch  of the Special Olympics O’Mahony reacted to Donncha O’Connor’s slap on his cheek as if he had been hit by a sniper located in a grassy knoll somewhere in the lower Cusack stand.

And Oh how the mighty are fallen. The Kingdom like to pretend that they are guardians of the sacred flame of gaelic football. Witness former county chairman Sean Walsh’s sanctimonious comments at the Kerry convention in 2004 when he lauded the Kerry team for restoring people’s ‘faith in football in general with their style of football, high fielding, accurate passing, long range point scoring and a work ethic that surprised even those close to the team.’

This was interpreted as an none-too-subtle criticism of some of the perceived cynicism practised by Armagh and Tyrone and particular. The 2004 final of course is remembered as one of the great non-events in recent years, alongside the Kingdom’s wins in 2006 and 2007, each match featuring pathetic opposition to an average Kerry team.

Joe Brolly and Colm O’Rourke were particularly scathing about the ‘teak-tough’ O’Mahony’s theatrical backflip.

Anyway, to go back to O’Mahony, if the Irish Olympic Council are looking to boost the nation’s medal winning hopes they could do worse that enlist the Kerry No 6 as a dead cert to win Gold in Olympic Diving competition in London 2012.

Last word to Sean Walsh: “We are delighted that it took a Kerry team to restore the pride in Gaelic football.”

This week, Resident Expert Ger Manas reflects on Davy Fitz’s debut on YouTube with his teamtalk. Inspirational stuff or the usual half-time nonsense? Make up your own mind. 

I see Davy Fitz has made a name for hisself in more ways than one now that he’s had one of his team talks posted up on the internet. I’ll tell you now, if anyone wants to come into my dressing room any given Sunday its surgery they’d be needin’ to get the video camera out of their hole if I caught them. They’d get a lesson in bad language the never knew existed.

The nephew was showing me the footage of Fitz in full flight and from what I see loads of people think this is all some sorta big deal. Well, to me the dressin’ room is an inner sanctum – what’s said in there between the coach and the players should stay there but if it doesn’t who gives a f***. I’d say though the fella that taped that would be in mortal danger of a serious boot in the balls if he gets caught.

I’ve been down at Croker with fellas who don’t really know the craic, and all the big chat is what this boy might have said or what they did at half time. I’d rather have a cool b*****d that could do open heart surgery no bother in the dressing room during half time than a man that can eff and blind and call players yella f***ers and fire things round the place. Sure, there’s a time to lose the plot but more often than not, in fact nearly every time if the work hasn’t been done on the training field then men can do what they like at half time it will make not a blind hate of difference. All ye can do is reinforce a few things, make a few tactical adjustments and from time to time some man will get up, clear the throat and say something that connects with fellas. Often times though – it’s just shite talk.

Fellas is brought up on a diet of listening to Al Pacino and his big life story at half time in thon film. If I started telling fellas my life story they’d be fast asleep and bored shitless a couple of minutes in. I started one night about some shite and our corner back sez “tell us the one again Ger about the Pakistani quantity surveyor on the site in London”. I took the cheeky bollix off for saying that but in retrospect I realised a bit of oul humour is hard to bate.

The nephew there is involved with an oul camogie team up in Ulster and they had a bit of a grudge match recently. Far whatever reason they had to replay an oul championship match. So anyway at half time the manager lets rip with a big load of balls about batin’ the opposition off the field – the usual stuff that had his blood pressure off the Richter. The tension was that thick ye could have cut it. He asks the captain to speak and she starts cranking it a bit higher: “Alright girls, these wans showed no respect for us the last day. They think they can come up here and beat us, well they can’t. Remember who you’re playin’ for – yourselves, each other, the managers, your family, all them supporters out there. Remember girls, passion, intensity, aggression. Let’s go out here and bate these ones out the gate. Lets trample all over them and rub their feds in the muck. . .”

The last line brought a bit of an oul pregnant pause. Feds? Surely she meant faces or heads, but not Fed. Everyone in the room looked at each other, ye coulda heard a pin drop, all wanted to bust out laughin’.Then, the manager says “Feds? Janie what’s a fed.”

Next thing the place erupted laughing. Maybe ye had to be there but I tell ye that would be funnier on the internet than Davy Fitz effin’ and blindin’ the bit out. It broke the tension and they won the match.

So if ye want to know what happens at half time, to be honest Davy Fitz is probably same as most other bollixes. The language wouldn’t that great, the sentiments might be coarse enough but it’s the work done in another place that will win the game.

Like Dublin’s passing and shooting, Pillar will be badly missed

Tyrone fans - no more than a couple of hundred - headed to Croke Park on Saturday 16 August more in hope than expectation. Like many great events many more people will claim to have been there than actually were there.  

Fact is, if you were there, you’ll never forget the apocalyptic scenes that unfolded. The brooding grey blue sky, the rain lashed Hill, the sodden Dubs, the Croker lights making an August afternoon a winter’s night. On the green baize, a blur of of white and red and the handling, the passing by foot and hand, and those goals!

Commentary heard on Radio Tyrone from Saturday 16 August 2008:

“We have beaten Dublin in Croke Park!! It is completely unbelievable! We have beaten Dublin! Dublin, birthplace of giants. Samuel Beckett, Roddy Doyle, Bertie Ahern, James Joyce, Oscar Wilde, Bono, Ronan Keating, Colin Farrell, Gay Byrne, Luke Kelly, Samantha Mumba, Jimmy Keaveney, Kevin Heffernan, Theobald Wolfe Tone, Niall Quinn, Brian O Driscoll, Padraig Harrington we have beaten them all. We have beaten them all. Bertie Ahern, Bertie Ahern can you hear me? I have a message to you: Your boys took a hell of a beating! Your boys took a hell of a beating!” 

Oh yes. Well, my mama did tell me there’’d be days like this!

Been there, seen that, now get the t-shirt

Well puc my Salty Balls, if it ain’t time. . . Kill Kenny again. Hey dude let’s get on down to Nowlan Park, for our pilot episode featuring  Dessie Fartman, Kenny, Kylle and Dan, with special guest appearance by Chef Óg, Token the Ulsterman and Nurse McSporran, who is afflicted with a severe case of Conjoined Provincial Dyslexia.

Chef Óg: It’s Friday and we gonna play hurlin in PEE-EE. Children dis whoole hurlin’ ting has lucrative money possibili-tees.

Token the Ulsterman: Ahhh, scuse me there big lad, I don’t know how to play hurlin.

Fartman: What dude? You assholes don’t have hurlin’ in Ulster? How we gonna make any money up there?

Token the Ulsterman: Ahhh, looks too fast for me so it does? How do you play it?

Dan: You’re pretty f***ed up. Don’t judge it til’ ye’ve played it. If you catch the ball, you’re still in. If you don’t you’re out - into the Crusty Ring.

Chef Óg: [Throws the sliotar in] Play baall!

Token the Ulsterman: Ahhh it hurts so it does, you guys like hurtin me so you do.

Fartman: No pain, no gain. The inches you need are right behind you asshole.

Kenny: [Muffled, inaudible, sledging] “Some day I’ll be old enough to stick my hurl in someone’s butt.”

Chef Óg: Come on der children, puck my big salty balls, stick them on your hurl and puck them.

Kylle: I can’t believe we’re playing hurlin in school. It’s too dangerous.

Token the Ulsterman: Oh my nose my nose, you split my nose.

Fartman: Hey dude that’s great wrist action you got goin’ there. Great shot. Time to get Mr Hankie out. God that was great! I love you guys!

Dan: Don’t judge him unless you know him. Dude, this is pretty f**ed up.

Chef Óg: Dat nose is split pretty bad - you might have to go and see Nurse McSporran. She’s not as bad as they say. . . she eats hurlin’ for lunch.

Kylle: I hear the school nurse is hideously deformed. . .

[Token the Ulsterman enters the Medical Ward. Nurse McSporran enters after him turning to the left to look at his file. Token the Ulsterman looks on in horror as Nurse McSporran reveals a stillborn hurling proposal still attached to her head.]

Nurse McSporran: Ahh, you’ve noticed my disorder. I have a permanently stillborn hurling proposal permanently attached to my head - it’s called Conjoined Provincial Dyslexia. I can’t help talking about Ulster hurling joining another province - it’s always on the front of my mind, but I have been forced to live in the shadows as an outcast for years.

Token the Ulsterman: Agghhh no!! Don’t make me play anymore.

Nurse McSporran: [Stitching, manic glare] They think we are just some hick team from the north but some day down here in Nowlan Park, we will kill those puckers.

Meanwhile. . .

Chef Óg: [Singing loudly] Sorry bout whuppin yer sorry Ulster ass; just openin’ a can of whoop ass for your ass; you gonna need some cream for you. . .

Fartman: Hey Chef Óg Token the Ulsterman says they gonna Kill Kenny.

Dan: That’s just stupid Dude. . .

Chef Óg: They’s stupider than they look - some sorry assed shower of hicks from the North ain’t ever gonna. . . Evr’bodee knows: You’ll never Kill Kenny.

To be continued. . .

Cork and Tipp - crossing sticks again

The final destination of the Gala Camogie Championship title and the O’Duffy Cup will become a lot clearer on Saturday evening as the places in this year’s All-Ireland final will be decided.  A double header of semi finals in Nowlan Park Kilkenny will see 2005 and 2006 winners Cork play Tipperary, followed by Galway against reigning champions Wexford.

With National League winners Kilkenny failing to make the last four many will favour Wexford and Cork to meet in a replay of last year’s Final.  Wexford had a difficult start to the defence of their title with two losses in their first two outings to Cork and Galway leaving the holders on the brink of an exit from the Championship.

Wexford manager Stellah Sinnott now realises the benefit of such a shaky start.  “The two losses in the first two games made the girls realise that we weren’t invincible and that we were no different to any other team. We would have to win games the same way as everyone else, this was very good and gave everybody a real kick start.”  The two losses sparked a revival by the Model County as they won four in a row, notching up an impressive 16 goals and 57 points in the process.  After last year’s historic win Sinnott believes her side still have the hunger.

“We have a lot to prove to not only ourselves but the other teams that we were worthy Champions last year. It’s a big game for us, we desperately want to get through to the final to show everyone last season wasn’t a once off,” Sinnott said. The Tribeswomen will have an edge over Sinnott’s side as they have already beaten them once this season and the Wexford manager sees the danger in Galway. 

“In many cases Galway are very similar to the 2007 Wexford team, I see a lot of similarities in both teams. They have had a very strong run in the round robin part of the Championship, which a lot of people weren’t expecting and that’s what we were like last year.  They are a fantastic side and it will go down to the wire.” Sinnott added. The second semi final sees old rivals Cork and Tipperary go head to head.  Until last year Cork and Tipperary had between them won every Camogie All-Ireland since 1997.  This seasion Cork have showed no signs of a Championship hangover following last year’s Final defeat to Wexford.  They stormed through the group stage of the Championship recording five wins including a nine point win over Tipp. Tipp secured their semi final spot on the last day as they gained a point against Galway. John McGrath has had to rebuild a Tipp side that was decimated by injuries and retirements but now the future looks bright for what is a young but experienced team.  “It has been a big year in Tipperary camogie, the team we are developing is a young enough team with only a couple of older players and our aim at the beginning of the year was a semi-final.”

McGrath believes his side can push on now following their last four qualification.  “While we’re delighted to be in a semi we don’t want to stop here either but it’s all about your performance on the day in the semi. I don’t think it has anything to do with how the other team plays, it’s your performance and how well you play that’ll be the difference between the teams at the end of the game.  There is no doubt that Cork have been, and certainly are, the team to beat this year,” McGrath said.

In the Gala Junior Camogie Championship Clare, who suffered last minute heartache in the 2007 Final against Derry, take on Laois.  Both sides will be aiming to secure a place alongside Offaly in this year’s final at Croker.

Fixtures

Saturday 16th August

Gala All-Ireland Senior Camogie Championship Semi Finals

Cork v Tipperary – Nowlan Park, Kilkenny – 1:30pm

Wexford v Galway – Nowlan Park, Kilkenny – 3:30pm

Sunday 17th August

Gala All-Ireland Junior Camogie Championship Semi Final

Clare v Laois – Banagher, Offaly – 2:30pm