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Derry - undisputed All-Ireland Junior Camogie champions 2007

At a glitzy do up in Stormont on Wednesday evening to celebrate Derry’s 2007 Junior All-Ireland camogie success and Ulster’s impressive victory in the 2007 Gael Linn interprovincial, Camogie President Liz Howard further enhanced her reputation with the Ulster camogie fraternity by pointing out that Derry had ’stolen’ their victory from Clare in last September’s final.

Members of the Derry and Ulster squads were understandably delighted at the recognition given to their achievements. Liz also congratulated First Minister, Dr Ian Paisley on his work and wished First Minister Elect Peter Robinson all the best in his new job. Both men were unable to attend the event due to another engagement. In an inspirational address, Liz also reminded those present that sport can no longer be considered a tag in the North.

It was left to Catherine O’Hara of the Ulster Camogie Council to point out how Ulster, a so-called ‘junior’ province, had beaten both Munster and Leinster to lift the Gael Linn trophy, their first since 1967. Both the southern provinces were packed with established senior stars - Leinster for example featured a number of Wexford’s All-Ireland winning team.

Just to clarify in our own minds the actual sequence of events that led to Derry ’stealing’ the All Ireland last September, this Talking Balls reporter hurried home to watch the DVD again in case the memory bank was misfiring. The teams were level on seven occasions during the game. At the end of the game the score was 3-12 to 2-14, Derry’s final score coming from Aisling Diamond with a last minute goal. By any measure of victory, Derry won because they had more points on the board when the referee blew the final whistle. They won because they kept playing, to the bitter end, with guts, determination and focus on the process on hand. They won because they still believed they could. To steal implies fraud, theft and dishonesty.

The Derry players are honest and honourable and they got what they deserved.

Ger's friend Iqbal - putting the mental in fundamentals

Talking Balls Resident Expert Ger Manas reflects on the goings on the other night in Moscow. He can’t help thinking that Vidic or Terry might be fit to do a job on the edge of the square if they were asked.  

I got in from trainin’ there the other evenin’ in time to watch most of that Man United match on the telly. Believe it or not, I was there at Wembley in ’68 the first time they done it and I was there in Barcelona in 1999 when they bate Bayern Munich.  

Usually now I wouldn’ be a great man for the oul foreign games but things on both occasions conspired to get me there. In 1968 I was working with a Pakistani fella from Manchester that supported United. He had a ticket for the match but he had to go home to Islamabad to get married to some oul yoke he’d never met. I mind him tellin’ me he’d rather go to the game at Wembley again’ Benfica than go home. Jaze he loved Bobbee Char-liton as he called him. In them days headin’ back out to places like Pakistan was a wile hanlin altogether so once the folks back home had the oul weddin’ set up and the ticket got, off he had te go. Funny the same hoor came back and was at my weddin’. Iqbal ye called him – we called him Kickball. The wife was quare’n good lookin’ too. I mind Kickball tellin’ me before he got married: ‘Ger, if lady is a badger, I vil run avay to Ireland. They vil never find me there.’  Sure enough he ended up over here and kicked a bit of oul ball too believe it or not. Great man for the fundamentals too.

Anyway, in 1999 a fella I knew had an oul ticket for me after I helped his team down in Mayo avoid promotion. Dunno how he got the ticket – the rest of the lads with us got shafted when the company we were travellin’ with went bust when the plane was in the air. I was sittin’ up thunder in the Camp Nou – as the proper ones call it – lookin down on Sheringham and Solskjaer knock in them goals in extra time. If ever there was a lesson to a team to never give up that was it. That and the Derry camogie team last summer and the Wicklow footballers in the Tommy Murphy. 

Wednesday night there was a bridge too far for me though goin’ to Moscow. I did a bit of work with Aer Rianta in Moscow years back and things got a wee bit out of hand with some of the lads we had over there. They used to stay about the airport like that fella in the film and there was some wile goin’s on in the airport with some them lovely Russian women. I thought I might have bother with the oul visa so I decided to keep me money and spend it on a holiday with the wife. I felt a bit sorry for that John Terry fella and to be honest I could have kicked yer man Ronaldo in the hole for thon was the worst penalty I see since the last time England were in the World Cup. When Terry slipped on his hole and kicked her off the post jaze I thought I was seeing things. I’d mesel’ braced for the slaggin’ from the grandson’s wee friends that all wear Chelsea shirts.

I was lookin’ at Terry and that big hoor of a Serbian Vidic and I was thinking them boys would be deadly full backs on a proper football field. Terry I’d play centre half back maybe in front of Vidic, but Vidic again’ big Donaghy, thon would be some match up, people would pay money to see that I’d say. There’s no doubt these days you need a good big mobile full back that keeps a tidy square. Any forward in there that shouldn’t be – get out te f***, like when ye’re gardenin’ – get the weeds away te f***  outta the road. Root them out. Fullbacks need to be cute too – watched a boy there in a game a week or two back was bein’ cleaned out high up and low down. What he needed was to be cuter and to stop trying to win the ball clean hisself. He just wanted to be spoilin’ the full forward and that’s where you wave the finger at the corner back and say ‘come here to me you – when I break that ball out your road you’d better be f***in well there to get it or I’ll kick yer hole.’ Yer good corner back likely as not won’t even need to be toul.

This man discovered he should be breakin’ and things improved but by then it was mostly too late.  Funny how things is changed in this area. Used to be years ago ye got the biggest, heaviest hoor for yer No 3 and plonked him in there – safe in the knowing that the other team would have some big lad with shorts fit to burst standin in there with him. Let battle commence. The gameplan was simple – launch her te blazes. There was nothin’ worse as full back knowing that when this howitzer eventually comes down outta the clouds ye’ve gotta take it clean – ball, man whatever ye can get yer hand on. Such a bit of clawin, digging and heavin’ as she dropped tho’. Ferguson talked about squeaky bum time – couldn’t relate to that at all mesel’. If you’re in full back you need the arse clean so ye can dunt the hoor ye’re markin round the show with yer hole. These bollixes they’d big arses, guts, chests – usually a civil big grin too and mebbe a fist that looked like an anvil. An oul beard wouldn’t go amiss and if the full forward had an earring or long hair – good luck to him.  

The funniest thing the other night in thon soccer match was the big lad Drogba getting lined. For what? He slaps Vidic in the mouth with two fingers – f***in pathetic. A man I know’s called Cyril and he’s firmly of the belief that if you’re gonna take a card in a match you should make sure you hurt someone. I don’t sign up to that at all, well, most times. But thon effort of Drogba’s was laughable. Man that size should be fit to do better than that. But sure ye can’t all rise above it.

Some players couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the Tommy Murphy Cup

In a truly stunning display of dedication to the cause, four Antrim players have announced that they are quitting the county’s football panel ahead of the Tommy Murphy campaign. They include team captain Sean Kelly, Sunday’s goalscorer, CJ McGourty, defender Aodhan Gallagher and sub Terry O’Neill. All the players hail from the St Gall’s club.

The players informed the management and the other players at a team meeting on Tuesday night that they wouldn’t be hanging around for the tier-two tournament. It is believed the other players were ‘not happy’ at this news. Last season Antrim lost valiantly to a last minute goal by Mick O’Dwyer’s Wicklow in the Tommy Murphy Cup Final at Croke Park - the first time Antrim footballers have darkened the doors in some time.

They owe their participation in the competition this year to their inability to beat Waterford and Tipperary when promotion from Division IV of the National League was all but in the bag.

All by herself - Celine samples the turf at Croker

 Hardly the first couple of the GAA world this summer - one a hoary old veteran with a well-known voice and a back catalogue of success who’s seen better days, the other the most successful manager in GAA history - Quebecois singer Celine Dion and Waterville hotelier Mick O’Dwyer have hit the headlines in an unusual way this week.

Micko’s incensed that Wicklow’s next match is being played in Carlow instead of Croker due to Celine’s gig at headquarters.

Sez Micko: “Croke Park should be hosting all Leinster games in the summer months. We built Croke Park to accommodate Gaelic Games first and foremost and they should be given priority. Carlow is a good venue too, in fairness to it and we’d have no objections to playing there but Croke Park is special and young fellas love to play there. If they are serious about promoting games in a county like Wicklow which has been rated so lowly then Croke Park is the best place to promote it.”

Ms Dion warbled: “This is getting serious. There’s a distant light. And you and I know there’ll be a storm tonight. Don’t do what you’re about to do. Whatever it takes, I’ll sacrifice, before you roll those dice.”

 Roll those dice Micko.

Fans walking to Croker likely to benefit from park and ride

Following the outcry over plans to exclude parking for a two-mile radius round Croker on match days, as previously reported by Talking Balls, stadium overlord Peter McKenna has advised that new arrangements won’t come into place until after this year’s championship.

 Among the proposals, he advises, will be opportunities for fans to park and ride when up for the match. That’s great news for the likes of Quinn’s, Meaghers, James Gill’s and particularly the Croke Park hotel where a lot of the parking and riding goes on.

 Sez McKenna there will be a period of consultation, adding: 

” I don’t see any changes to the setup this year but as to what changes will be brought in, that’s very much in the gift of the Dublin City Council.  Dropping a 2km exclusion zone on the area which includes things like Mountjoy Prison and the Mater Hospital would cause bedlam,” Mr McKenna claimed.

“The proposal requires a lot of analysis and for things like park and ride facilities to be examined,” Mr McKenna said.

Better to consult and agree the way forward than to get clamped in flagrante delicto we think.

Championship Cojones - bursting the onionbag

The highballs and tugs below the belt of the Championship season so far. . .

Going Down Sir?

Jody Gormley

Antrim’s Jody Gormley must be wondering whether he drove over a black cat when the Saffrons bate the Kilkenny footballers earlier in the season. Whatever happened, it’s hard to explain the Antrim performance yesterday. Belief Jody put it down to. We looked on - in disbelief.

Niall Gilligan

Niall Gilligan, knocked out cold during a challenge match with Offaly as part of Clare’s championship preparation. Our advice - Play Safe - Wear Protection - sounds like a t-shirt. Good news is that Gillgan does play safe and was indeed wearing protection.

Kieran McGeeney

After many mighty days in Croker, we’re sure few came close to yesterday’s abject display in Croker. Poor oul Geezer, he takes on Kildare, raises their hopes and with remarkable sleight of hand turns them from a one-dimensional team to a two dimensional team. But anyone who watched them in the league knows Kildare ain’t Armagh. Now they’ve gone into another dimension entirely - the qualifiers. With an ageing team on one hand and an U-21 final squad on the other surely Geezer needs time.

Ulster Camogie Squad

Never in the history of womankind have so few tried to defend what was won by so many. Yesterday’s Gael Linn tournament was won by a powerful Connacht team led by Veronica Curtain. But why did the Ulster team - defending champions we might add - only feature one of last year’s winning team?  Surely, like the Railway Cup, for this tournament, timing is everything. Yesterday, cleavaged between Camogie league and championship, during the exam season and the club season, was not the right time.

Standing Proud . . .

Ulster Hurling Championship

In a masterstroke of PR and promotion the Ulster Council this year pitched the Ulster counties - all nine of them - and London, into a tiered Ulster Championship that will in all likelihood end up in the same outcome - Antrim winning. The big change is that ALL counties get their day in the sun in the process raising the profile of caman and sliotar in the Nort. Sure ye couldn’t bate it with a big stick. Well done to Frankie Quinn, Jimmy Darragh and the boys who came up with this wheeze. The promotional stuff is deadly too sur but we would say that!!

Mick O’Dwyer

He might be hard to listen to at times - well most of the time, and the media love him for it - but Micko certainly isn’t in any need to a drop of Viagra to get the blood rushing for the championship. His Wicklow returned to Croker for the first time since, well the last time they were there, in the process establishing a two-in-a-row record of victories in headquarters. Aside from the inherent lack of natural justice that will see them more than likely back in the Tommy Cooper Cup, what a morale boost for Wicklow football - a first Championship win in Croker.

Galway hurling

It’s all good for the hurlers from the Tribes - on paper at least. Joe Canning on board, brother Ollie back too, Ger Loughnane seems to have settled on a harmonious ship instead of a disarray; now Eugne Cloonan is back on board and uber-defender Ollie is installed as der Kapitan for this summer’s cruise through the championship. 5-1 not a bad price for Galway to stop the Cats and the Rebels carving up Liam again.

Galway Football

What price a double from the Wesht after the Tribesmen’s big balers put neighbours Roscommon to the boot yesterday in Pearse stadium. With Matthew Clancy running about the place with a mop of hair that wouldn’t have looked out of place on a Monkey, hey hey, Roscommen couldn’t stick the pace and power of Galway. And Jaze that Barry Cullinane’s a big hoor - I bet he has no bother getting served in Naughtens or the Quays or wherever it is he pints.

Coming on the back of news that Squareball will be stocked in thirty different retailers this summer - unparallelled growth for such a young brand - we are delighted to annouce that Sqaureball will provide the centre piece in O’Neills stores this summer.

With specially produced point of sale material, Squareball is sure to be a successful addition to the O’Neills retail portfolio this summer, having been stocked by the popular sports stores last summer. Given O’Neills positioning with the GAA community as the leading provider of playing gear, its is hoped that the partnerhsip will lead to increased sales of Squareball and further brand awareness.

Stephen Thompson, retailer manager at O’Neills said: “We are delighted to feature Squareball in our stores. Both O’Neills and Squareball have the interests of the GAA public at heart and it makes sense that supporters can pick up their gear for playing on and off the pitch in the same store. We are very excited by the new Championship Range - the quality is excellent and the trademark humour and glint in the eye approach to all things GAA are evident again. It really is a very youthful and exuberant brand and we are delighted to have it in our stores.”

Michael Lyster, Joanne and Evanne - ye couldn’t bate them with a big stick.

Viewers of the Sunday Game have been contacting Talking Balls in their droves to admire the new traditional ‘home-knit’ set design. With sofas that look like a jumper the mother-in-law gave you for Christmas, one that you have to wear to keep the ball and chain happy, to a backdrop that makes Pat Spillane look like he’s floating about the set of Finding Nemo, Times are certainly changing at RTE.

One innovation has been the re-introduction of the old theme tune. Back by popular demand and to loud acclaim is the famous James Last march, replacing the bombastic pompous dirge that sounded like an army of orcs on the march to the pub.

Things have definitely changed in studio with a marked change towards a more laid-back look. With the pundits’ striped and open-necked shirts completing the sitting-round-the-fire-on-the-sofa look, epilepsy sufferers should be well warned to give Sunday evenings and the review of the weekend’s action a miss- purely for health reasons you understand.

Best of all, in long shot the presence of Evanne Ní Chuilinn and Anthony Daly, perched stage-rear on precarious looking bar stools either side of Pat Spillane, made it look like he had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. ‘Gwan, mention puke football again for old time’s sake, we all love a sinner that has fallen again.’ quoth the evil Anthony, perched on his left.

Pat on the Bridge of the Starship Enterprise

‘No Pat, don’t do it, we are trying to build viewing figures and most people think you are a shite anchor man as it stands,’ warbled the lovely Evanne - herself a real asset to the programme and definitely a yoke that’ll be getting one of our new t-shirts or maybe a hoodie in the post if Talking Balls has any influence among our warehousemen Chris and Michael. Meanwhile Dalo sits chuckling and grinning to himself, as if the delectable Evanne has just given him the glad eye.

Back then to Pat, floating aimlessly through the deep blue yonder, oblivious to the sharks round him as he continues drifting round Finding Nemo. Or maybe that should be Piero - the new state-of-the-art gizmo that promises to give a 21st Century view of everything that goes on, on and off the ball. Apparently it can immediately “create a virtual pitch, showing you particular situations from all sorts of different angles”.

Can’t wait for the first row of the summer to see how Piero gets on with that. “Here we see what Ciaran Whelan saw as he . . .”.

A typical German helmet

German company LIDL, best known for bringing obscure brands of continental salami and chocolate, cut price vegetables and affordable Ciabatta and antipasto to the Irish marketplace, has had to issue an announcement recalling 1,200 €49.99 Pro-Guard hurling helmets after the headgear failed safety tests.It is six weeks since the German company raised eyebrows round the country with its foray into our national small ball game. The ads in the national media claimed that the headgear had passed the only official standard for hurling helmets.

The helmets along with associated sliotars and hurleys were endorsed at their launch by Cork Ledge Brian Corcoran who said: “I am proud to endorse Lidl’s hurling equipment, which I highly recommend. It is suitable for all age groups and abilities. The range offers GAA clubs, parents and players the opportunity to purchase good quality products at affordable prices. The PRO-GUARD helmet aims to reduce the cost of protecting players without sacrificing their safety. The equipment is great for training on the pitch or road and is ideal for taking every day abuse.”

On Thursday LIDL issued a series of advertisements recalling the goods. A spokeswoman said: “Despite relevant assurances and certificates from our Irish supplier it has come to our attention that further tests carried out on the product have failed to comply with the relevant standards.”

The National Standards Authority of Ireland said samples failed to meet a specific safety requirement for hurling and camogie helmets. Lidl’s helmet was €25 cheaper than the Mycro helmet which is the only headgear officially endorsed by the GAA. At the time LIDL said they would “not apologise for offering a high quality helmet at a significantly lower price than officially endorsed products”.

Customers should stop using the helmets with immediate effect and return it to LIDL for a full refund.

The Powers that Be and the ESB have announced a new scheme called Cul Green which aims to make Croke Park a carbon free stadium. In a special feature Talking Balls takes a look at what this might mean for the average GAA fan - you and I in other words. Is it really worth the paper it’s written on. Let’s investigate.

According to the official news release, it is estimated that fans travelling to games at the stadium produce carbon emissions of 15,000 tonnes a year. A total of 2.2 million people attended Croke Park last year. The new sustainability plan will reduce the environmental impact of their travel to and from the stadium.

Research has shown that much of the greenhouse gas emissions are due to over-consumption of pints of stout, washing down Abrakababra and other tasty pre match snacks sold the plethora of outlets located close to the ground.

Source of methane gas

It is estimated that Dublin fans can generate as much as 1000 extra tonnes of toxic fumes in the time slot between the official throw-in and their arrival on the Hill. This has been attributed to the extra two pints they skull in that time.

With the two mile exclusion due in place soon fans will have less opportunity for tay and sangwidges near the ground and are more likely to avail of the wind inducing outlets nearby.

The implications of carbon neutrality for hurling have also been addressed, with counties likely to be asked to ensure players reduce the number of hurls they bust during matches, thereby ensuring that less ash is required and in the process protecting the ancient Irish Ash forests.

Plans are also believed to be in place to harvest all the hot air emanating from the Sunday Game pundits area with Joe Brolly in particular believed to be a lucrative source of renewable energy.  It is believed also that a lot of the shite Pat Spillane comes out with can be recycled through new waste management processes.

Wind turbines and other renewable energy sources

A special website, www.culgreen.ie, will be established within two months to allow fans participate in the Cúl Green initiative. They can log on and pledge how they will individually reduce their own carbon footprint. It is believed Croke Park’s decision not to stage the league finals at headquarters was not part of the green initative although a source did admit “the biggest problem is the fans themselves - their cars, the tickets they buy, the programmes they read, the food they consume with all the packaging etc. That’s not to mention all the manure and shite the culchies carry in on their shoes and wellies. We are seriously considering ways in which to reduce the volume of carbon generators, the easiest being to reduce the numbers of people in the ground at any one time.”

Plans are afoot to locate up to three wind turbines behind Hill 16 - and research is underway at an undisclosed location in Clare to determine the effect the turbines may have on the flight of a sliotar at that end of the ground.

The new project in the immediate term will cut Croke Park’s annual 4,500 tonnes carbon emissions output by more than two-thirds. It will establish a state of the art environmental-improvement programme covering the stadium’s electricity, waste and water management systems.