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News has reached Talking Balls through a back passage or back channel or whatever they’re called nowadays, that the Ghostwriter for the Irish News column The Diary of Donny Doherty has given up the ghost. The diary, which relates the comings and goings of a fictitious  inter-county footballer, excited interest and derision in equal parts.  

According to the Brendan Crossan column in the Irish News Donny Doherty has gone to America possibly never to return. Our understanding from our very own Stakeknife, is that the Ghostwriter is alive and well and living in Fermanagh and has himself decided not to continue the column.

Fare thee well then Donny Doherty.

At last, in a move that will have Galway hurling fans positively drooling with anticipation, teenage sensation Joe Canning at last makes his senior hurling debut for the Tribesmen against the Rebels this Sunday. Galways supporters have long been hoping that Ger Loughnane will give young Joe his head after rave reviews about his performance over the last few years.

Canning’s debut had been delayed following the controversial scenes surrounding the 2006 County Final between Loughrea and Portumna, his non-appearance a big blow for Galway hurling. That followed the premature withdrawal of brother Ollie from the set up and the subsequent frustrations all round.

No doubt Joe’s handy stick work round the box will raise goosebumps all over, whilst his over all play will be to the fore in a potent Galway attach. If he can press the right buttons it could be a very satisfying experience all round.

This week in Talking Balls, we take a look back over a week in which Roscommon fans ousted their manager and then watched on as the Dubs absolutely kicked their ass. Three goals and twenty points is a fair oul amount to concede no matter how you look at it. Also in this week Davy Fitz has finally called it a day. Farewell then to a man loved and loathed in equal measure by people who didn’t know him. Another fella who had to endure the abuse of so called fans year in, year out - yet who still delivered and could never be accused of letting Clare down. He’ll be missed Davy Fitz.

As the league moves towards its denouement there are still a few permutations to work out. Looks like Dublin and Monaghan will be up where they think they belong whilst Geezer and Grimley can rebuild in Division 2 far from the lofty heights and altitude sickness of the top flight.

Derry look in a good position to contest the league final - if they can see off Donegal. In hurling Cork seem to have unveiled some new talent in the league but will the Cats get to cream them if they meet in the League Final - not having played each other due to the strike - that’s one worth waiting for.

It’s getting near that time again - April and rain, the grass starts to grow. People start thinking of pilgrimages to far flung places with like minded people. Bathed in sun shine and fortified by a few pints - the Championship will soon be upon us with all that means. For Squareball it means our new Spring/Summer range so watch this space. If you want to be one of the lucky few limited that can get a preview of the new gear - get in touch and we’ll keep you in the know so you can order up front and ahead of your mates. They’ll be sick as f***.

For all the great unwashed there’s ordinary things. For everyone else there’s always Talking Balls.

There has been intense wailing and gnashing of teeth up in North Derry following the allocation of the celebrity bainisteoirs.

Talking Balls is reliably informed that sources at the Faughanvale club in Derry were told ahead of their participation in the RTE Celebrity Bainisteoir series that their manager would be a female celebrity from Derry.

Cue speculation on the shores of Lough Foyle that leggy Girls Aloud star and professional Derry wan Nadine Coyle was going to slip into the banisteoir bib and a set of hot pants before leading the lads in a few sets of bend over and touch their toes followed by a light bounce round the field down in Greysteel. The thought of Nadine’s Girls Aloud bandmate and professional WAG, the Geordie lass with the ass Sheryl Tweedy, weighin’ in to give her and the lads a hand with the job, had the Derry lads gasping for air and reaching for the ice packs, groins a-straining and groans a-comin’.

Imagine their disappointment then, when instead of the lovely Nadine, Nell McCafferty burst open the dressing room door. Ice baths not necessary to turn mighty oaks standing proud into deadwood.The Faughanvale disappointment was further compounded with the news that Crumlin GAC in the same competition had landed the managerial services of model Glenda Gilson, who strutted round training in a pair of entirely impractical but visually stimulating white skinny jeans. Many of the squad are reported to be training on their own, working on their shooting practice well into the early hours.

Film buffs and GAA fans the world over have been saddened at the news that screen legend Charlton Heston died over the weekend. It had been rumoured that Heston would play the part of Ger Loughnane in a biopic about the legend’s life.

During a glittering career he entertained millions with his exploits in the sporting amphitheatre, parted the Red Sea and subsequently led his people to the promised land. Latterly he championed a number of causes, becoming frequently outspoken against the authorities, never afraid to speak his mind and state his case.

Heston too had an interesting life starring in many films over the years.

We have been asked to place the following advertisement by the Roscommon Co Board.

Suitable Candidates are Invited to Apply for the following position

Manager Roscommon Senior Football team.

The Roscommon Co Board is seeking to appoint an appropriately qualified manager to manage the County’s senior football team following the recent departure of John Maughan. We take this opportunity to thank John for his contribution to Roscommon football to and as someone said to lose one manager is unfortunate, to lose two is careless but to lose three or four is par for the course her in Roscommon. Applicants should meet the following criteria.

Essential

• Experience of dealing with gobshitery and gougerism in all its forms.
• Experience of archery, particularly an understanding of shafts and shafting especially from behind - if you have this ability, take a bow.
• A well-evolved and resilient outer epidermis cable of withstanding bricks, bats, brickbats, cheapshots, objects lobbed over the wire and barbs fired through it.
• The gift of eternal optimism and a misguided sense of your own ability to turnaround a team demoralised, demotivated and seriously out of the running - in fact the Tommy Murphy Cup would be o’er reaching ambition at this stage.

Desirable

• Experience managing a team at inter county level.
• Amnesia or at least selective deafness.
• Rear facing mirrors attached to your beanie hat or whatever other head accoutrement you wear.
• The ability to move quickly and adapt to a varying and challenging work environment.

Talking Balls will be handling the interview process on behalf of the Roscommon Co Board. We understand the sorts of gobshites and ignorant bosthoons found at gaelic football matches and are therefore well-placed to make the right appointment. Former managers or applicants need not apply - and don’t call us, we’ll call you.

Donegal County Board are reported to be close to a decision on where to locate their long awaited centre of excellence. Teams of officials have looked at a wide range of potential locations including Tory Island for its isolation, Dungloe for the attractions and burger vans of the Mary of competition of the same name, Rossnowlagh for its cross community appeal and Muff for obvious reasons. It is understood that players gave a commitment to Yer-man-whatyemaycallhim to train wherever the centre was located in a bid to bring Sam back to the Hills for the first time since 1992. That is if they don’t drive the Ardboe native to the Hills with their shenanigans.

Usually it’s about this time of the year the Donegal men develop a great thirst and a surge in the loins. It is believed the drouth has its origins in the county’s history going back centuries, when the young working men of Donegal sought seasonal work at the hiring fairs round about this time of year. With the fairs came the usual lowering of pints of stout and tacklin’ women and the sorts of lowerings of other things that went with that.

This is replicated by the modern red-blooded Tir Connell man, who typically battens down the red hair, puts a bit of whitewash on the big weatherbeaten cheeks and heads down to Letterkenny in the twin-cam or souped up fiat uno in search of drunk women from Tyrone or Derry in town on the piss looking romance Donegal-style.

A good night out ends with change out of fifty euro, a feed of southern fried chicken and chips and six minutes of passion with a cross border dimension maybe in the back of the twincam if they’re lucky.

Sounds excellent anyway.

We hear that rising Aussie Rules star Brendan Murphy has suffered from racial abuse, the poor fella.

Apparently during a reserve match his opponents Belmaine gave him a bit of an oul sledging and told him to f*** off back to Ireland.

In what was only his second game for the Sydney Swans, Murphy who is tipped to be a success with the oval ball, endured a stream of abuse from the Aussie w***ers. He laughed off the incident saying “I’m going to get a lot of that over my career.”

You’re f***in’ right you are Brendan, and you should be used to abuse anyway coming from Carlow. Same as culchies have red ears from standing out in the cold all day thinning turnips or milking cows or whatever it is they be at.

As we move towards the death throes of the League and face ahead into the Championship season with all its uncertainties, Resident Expert Ger Manas takes a rain check on proceedings so far.

It’s funny how this time of the year some fellas get more horned up about their county team’s chances than an excited teenager does at the sight of an oul bra strap. Many’s a false set there’s been in the spring, many’s a premature speculation about how good these boys are or those boys might be. As always, September will tell its own tale.

Up in Celtic Park on Saturday night there was obituaries written right left and centre about Tyrone. That bollix Paddy Bradley obviously has learned nothing since he and the other Derry players danced round Healy park in Omagh two years ago after they bate Tyrone. As Saturday’s game was moving towards the end, Paddy was busy juggling the ball over by the sideline - the Derry fans loved it and maybe he’ll get a ride or two on the back of it, but if he had the brains he was born with he would, should know that the place you want to be is on the steps of the Hogan Stand, third week in September, stomach jugglin’ with emotion. Not jugglin’ the ball in April - that’s aside from the total lack of respect it shows. I think Philly Jordan may have reminded him of that after the game. Having said all that Bradley was immense - his score taking a tribute to his own ability and the ball delivered by the other Derry players. As for Tyrone, we’ll see. Stephen O’Neill might be parked up in Aughabrack and Dooher out running with the reserves - I’d love to see the reserve defender’s face he was marking, I’d say the hamstring tightened before the ball was threw in - but without a scoring forward or two Tyrone’s a busted flush to me and more’s the pity cos they can play some stuff and did along with Derry. Twas a great oul match and a pity the cameras weren’t there for the rest of the country to watch it.

Down in Kildare you would have to say that me oul mate Geezer won’t be too excited by what’s been served up by the Lillywhites. I thought when I seen them the physical game they’re playin would get them home but that’s not the case, he’s quare and lucky he’s not over in Roscommon. I was chattin’ to John Maughan and he was talking about the difference between GAA customer and GAA supporters. He reckons GAA customers, as he has them, are fellas - and wimmin - that pay into GAA matches and think the admission fee pays for them to shout what they like at the managers and players alike. I know where he’s comin from on that - many’s the time I had to stop mesel’ or some other fella jumpin’ the wire to back out at some useless hoor outside the wire shoutin’ in. A friend of mine was taking a team and as you find when you’re getting a bit older his eyebrows had a couple of them big hairs growin out the front like antennae - as if he cared. Now this man would be one of the shrewdest GAA brains in the country, his house is like a hothouse academy for all that’s good. Some oul bat at a match roars across the wire at him - ‘What would you know about football - sure look at yer eyebrows.’ I dunno how much she paid in but I hope she thinks she got her money’s worth.

Last week I was watching the Dubs to see how they were getting on. I used to think there were two versions of every match, what actually happened and what the media reported. That was til’ last week - there’s three versions when the Dubs is playin’. The two versions I described thunder and the version that Paul Caffrey saw. I wouldn’t like to be a young vagabond caught on by that man when he’s wearing his hat and uniform. That eejit Mark Vaughan gets sent off for hittin’ Damian Freeman a scud in the jaw - jaze thon picture in the paper he looked like one of the hobbits or oompa loompas or something, the face and it like a Halloween mask. What does Caffrey do? He throws the arms round Vaughan sif he was at a wake. If Vaughan done it out the street he’d have been well cautioned. Then next thing Caffrey takes to slaggin the dung out of the referee for giving Monaghan so many frees. They scored twelve of their thirteen points from placed balls as far as I could see. Big Pillar would be better off telling his players to keep their fists to theirselves, to keep their mouths shut and most of all to stop foulin’. He could maybe even coach a bit of disciplined defending cos I didn’t see much sign of it that night in Parnell. With ten minutes to go Monaghan were four points behind and the Dubs gave away free after free until Freeman and Findlay had kicked themselves level. Of course listening to Caffrey afterwards it was all the ref’s fault and his defence had done nothing wrong. Whatever oul shite was going on that led to the other Freeman getting’ headbutted by a stats man who then gets sixteen weeks suspension suggests to me there is a lack of discipline about the Dublin camp. Sure what odds is that to a stats man - he can sit in the stand same as you or I and stat away to his heart’s content. The Dublin County Board must be happy with the sort of ship they have at the minute but I’ll tell you straight - unless there’s change they’ll win f*** all in September and ye can all kick my own hole if I’m wrong.

I’ll be takin’ a look at the hurling next time out but I’ll tell you the Galway men will go a long way towards the double in football and hurling this year. They’re going rightly in both and the forward unit in football looks to be a handful for any defence. Them Derry boys are no slouches and they were torn asunder by the Galwaymen. They got no protection out the field and struggled with the movement of theGalway forwards all day. Speaking of forwards and backs there’s Conor Gormley - one day he snuffs out yer boyo McFadden - next day Bradley give him a pure hard time. Just shows ye what forwards can do with dacent balls if they can get them - doesn’t matter who the defender is. As for Paddy Bradley maybe when he grows up he’ll realise that it’s easy to spoil a good night trying to please the customers, when he should stick to what supporters on both sides will salute as top class play. Pity he let himsel’ down.

Word has reached Talking Balls of a topical new sitcom to be aired on TV3 in the coming weeks. Entitled One Foot in the DRA, the series will document the life and misfortunes of a cantankerous old grouch, as he rails against the injustices of the GAA world around him.

The show challenges the perceptions of the GAA as one big happy family. In Episode One the show’s anti-hero finds himself on the GAA scrapheap, outcast after blowing the lid on the controversial player payments scheme. Not content with his lot he decides to fight the system in every way he can resolving to tackle injustice and hypocrisy where he finds it. Unfortunately for him, like some Machiavellian force the GAA world conspires against him with its bureaucracy, misunderstandings and surreal coincidences, frequently landing himn in all sorts of ridiculous situations from setting up websites full of polemic, to radio interviews, to being called a malcontent, to having to pay a visit to the GAA’s own supreme court - the DRA.

Full of black humour, setpiece situation comedy com and elements of farce, it is understood that lead role will be played by veteran Scottish actor Richard Wilson - best known for his portrayal of iconic grumpy old man Victor Meldrew and his immortal catchphrase ‘I don’t believe it’.

For more details on the show go to One Foot in the DRA.