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Scór novelty act - non-traditional music

 The INEC at the Gleneagles Hotel in Killarney this Saturday night is the place to be if you really consider yourself to be a true gael. The All Ireland Finals of Scór Sinsear throw-in at four o’clock in the afternoon kicking off a wonderful evening celebrating all that is deadly about Irish culture.

We’re lookin’ forward to a real cultural maelstrom with lads and lasses a leppin’, singing, balladry, banjo strings a twangin’, novelty acts, recitals, shite talkin’, quizzes - sure jaze doesn’t it sound like a typical Saturday evening in parishes throughout the land. All we need is Morgy on the Bodhran.

Be there or be quare.

According to Ulster Television and their ultra GAA friendly coverage, the Down kit van was impounded yesterday by HM Customs and Excise having been dipped and discovered to be running on agricultural diesel of the red variety. After a suitable fine was paid, the van was liberated to continue its journey to Park Esler in order that the Down men could wear the famous amber and black.

Jaze now times must be hard for the Down Co Board if they have to resort to running their kit van on red diesel. Once considered the upper crust of Ulster such were their airs and graces, it looks like the mighty have fallen. You’d think Club Down could throw the white van man a few quid to keep her on the road legal and above board.

Down haven’t fallen as low as UTV’s GAA coverage right enough. Having led tonight on the red diesel story (hard to beat taking the piss out of the GAA as we know only too well), they followed up with in depth coverage of the Dublin -Meath row and a few snippets of the Monaghan Westmeath match. For other reports the camera zoomed in on headlines and reports from today’s Irish News - we kid you not. No doubt the cameras were busy elsewhere.

In the game itself Down were well beaten by Fermanagh. According to manager Ross Carr the referee was either ‘biased or incompetent’. Well, I suppose at least he wasn’t running on red diesel.

Mrs Doyle - spotted at Parnell Park

As you’ll all have heard by now, yesterday’s game at Parnell Park had it all - handbags, teabags, players acting the ballbag. . . whatever next?

It even had its very own Mrs Doyle incident as some unnamed Meath fan said ‘Go on, go on, ah ye will,’ offering Ciaran Whelan a nice cup of tea. This when referee Paddy Russell had said ‘Go off, go off , . . .’ after Ciaran Whelan gave an unruly Meath player a sharp lever with the elbow that he no doubt deserved.

Dublin Bainisteoir Paul Caffrey, well known for upholding right and wrong as far as his players are concerned, rather niftily diverted attention away from his abrasive midfielder and onto the Meath hot beverage tosser.

“I’m sure the spectator who threw that at Ciaran Whelan is not the proudest man, or maybe he is. Dublin and Meath have massive respect for each other and long may that continue. But supporters throwing hot cups of tea at players doesn’t enter into it.”

“That’s not a true reflection of the great Meath supporters. What goes on on the field of play goes on. Paddy Russell had his job to do and he did it. So we have no complaints about his handling of the game but I think it (lashing the hot tay round Whelan) was totally uncalled for. I’ve never seen it before.”

Funny enough way of ’showing respect’ you might think. But Pillar famously won’t accept any criticism of his own players.

Just in case it passed you by, last week he defended his three previous three red card recipients. . . ‘they’re not your typical combative players’; Mark Vaughan’s hobbit punch on Damian Freeman ‘was a clumsy tackle and a second yellow’. . . and in general the Dubs are not sending players out to be ‘hard men on football fields.’

Sources tell us that an urgent and immediate review of hospitality at Parnell Park is believed to be underway in light of the incident. The latest controversy follows the incident a few weeks back when the Dublin stats man headbutted Monaghan’s Tommy Freeman in a row over the last few choc-ices.

This week in Talking Balls we tell the hard luck story of the Dublin residents that are set to drive culchies and people from the Nort away from Croker. We consider the fall-out from the Maughan affair in Roscommon. Did he jump, was he pushed, why didn’t he stay, should he have gone? Whatever - the whole business has left a bad taste in the mouth of Roscommon football just weeks ahead of another doomed Connacht Championship campaign.

As Ollie Canning makes a declaration of intent with his announcement to return to the Gaillimh fold, we cast a cool eye over the senior debut of his hugely talented brother ‘wee Joe’. If Joe had been American he would certainly have been in Wild Bill Cody’s circus such is his sharpshooting from all arts and parts. His sideline last Sunday was a thing of real beauty. Striking like that he could wheek the bra off Pocahontas or her sister at a hundred yards with one sideline cut whilst riding backwards on a piebald mare.

Last Sunday Brian McGuigan completed his first seventy minutes in a Tyrone shirt since the All Ireland Final in 2005. And it’s official - he’s back, pulling the strings, he had the other forwards running all sorts of angles of attack. And as for the brother Tommy - there were a few moves in there the two boyos must have worked out up on the Loughshore - he hit four from play and two frees. The highlight tho’ was near the end when Brian rose to field a ball in round his own 21. Well, he caught it like his da I have to say. Welcome back Brian.

Derry and Kerry meet in the League Final, don’t know where, don’t know when. . . but for Derry folks it would be nice to mark the 15 year famine with an oul pot so good luck with that to big Kevin McGuckian - who’s a big fan of Talking Balls - and the rest of the boys. Remember lads, McCloskey says easy on the cream puddin’s.

We touch on but don’t touch the issue of scantily glad young ladies drumming up support for Friends of Armagh in Cross. Certainly the younger male supporters looked drummed up and I think the Order of Malta Ambulance was on standby such were the heart palpitations among some of the older supporters. They hadn’t been as excited in Cross since the Army dismantled their observation post and gave all the footballs back.

Remember if your travelling this weekend, you’ll likely get blown up for over-carrying. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.

This week resident expert Ger Manas is down on his luck. Not often you see the old man buckled, but he’s not bowed. The problem? Gobshitery, ignoramuses and the sorts of knucklegrinders that follow teams and worse - manage them.

Sometimes when you’re involved with a team it gets hard to see the woods from the trees. In the last week or so I’ve had me balls rooted good an’ hard, had them inflated and defleated again. Mebbe I’m just getting old but I’m finding some bits of takin’ me own teams just that wee bit harder to take than usual.

Last week we had course to play a hurlin’ match. I don’t mind good oul rough ‘n’ tumble hurling with boys in pullin’ for all their worth. Lads is lads and they generally does their best whenever they can. What sickens my shite is coaches and mentors shoutin’ from the sideline to ‘break him, hit that f***er, foul him, take him out.’ And I was sorry now to say I heard all of that last week from the mentors and supporters of one team. Ye’d be surprised now at some of the antics on the line, and some of the excuses. Last year in a game I was toul to ‘f**k away off back up there if you know what’s good for ye’ when I moved down the line to encourage our forwards - it was the other teams subs were at that. Did I move? Did I f**k.

It makes ye wonder tho’ - I’m as competitive as the next hoor but ye wonder about some of these people - what do they behave like in their own spare time? Are matches some sort of escape valve because plenty I know certainly lets the slurry out of the tank when they get near a pitch. An oul friend of mine was talking to me about how when he lived on a farm boys herdin’ cows knew where to give an oul brute a scalp and where not to, they needed to be encouraged but not hurt. He compared that to hurlin’ and reckoned in our day fellas and managers knew that but now it’s got lost from the game. There’s truth in that alrite. Encouraged not hurt.

The knucklegrinder - coming soon to a pitch near you.

Then there’s refs. I’ve seen hurlin’ and camogie refs runnin’ about this year, whistle blowin’ like a train conductor for over-carrying, throwin’ the ball up and catchin’ it, takin’ too long with frees, and even gettin the yella card out for lads let a bit of a ‘come on te f**k lads’ outta them.

Meanwhile what’s goin’ on round the field? Hoors is whaling off the ball, one minor player took out round the neck by some gobshite half the player he was. Another county man fouled eleven times in the first half and not so much as a tick. He then gets booked for usin’ the ‘f’ word. I watched a camogie game - same sort of shite going on, referee running about the starched drawers must have been killing her. Next thing one girl throws a hurley at another - she gives a free - no card - should have been sent off and banned. Fouls like taking the hand, pulling high, pulling low, pulling late - they need dealt with but aren’t.

Refs have a hard job to do but when they’re making a balls of it they get all uppity and fidgety - they can’t admit they make a mistake and then it’s easier blowin’ up stuff that’s trivial rather than taking the tough decisions and making the hard calls. That’s where they show they’re a proper referee and players respect that. Don’t book the man on the field for saying f**k. No-one can hear him - but deal with the manager and mentor stomping the line sounding off like he’s that f**ker Gordon Ramsey and telling fellas to take another man out or burst him or whatever. The whole crowd can hear him so he’s doin’ more harm than the players.

Look after the skilful player on the pitch - he’s the one the punters come to see - not the ape that’s running after him with the knuckles draggin’ along the ground. That hoor should be warned, warned again and then sent back to the zoo. I would kick his hole quare’n hard and have done.

I seen fellas on the line in the last week, they didn’t like their own son getting treatment but they were foaming at the gob screamin’ at their players to take some other man’s son out of the game. Is there air getting in here somewhere?

The brother-in-law saw me after a game and told me I was taking it all too seriously. And you know what? He was right.

Disclaimer: This typical Backwoodsman is NOT from Roscommon.

John Maughan’s resignation and his complaints about the abuse he received have been totally and utterly rejected out of hand by the Roscommon Co Board.

According to delegates, they have been badly treated and their portrayal as rough and abusive oul hoors is all the media’s fault for being complicit with plausible Maughan.

Rejecting any suggestions that they are unreconstructed backwoodsmen, comments noted included:

“There is a lot of frustration and annoyance in this room. The undisputed media spin has portrayed us badly. John Maughan should be ashamed of himself but we have to move on.”

“I take exception being referred to as yobs and customers. I found that much of the abuse during my refereeing days came from managers and selectors. I was near the dugout in Crossmaglen and no one abused. There’s something wrong if a management can’t take a small bit of criticism.”

Indeed, time to move on.

Up for the Match. The sort of Clampits and their cars that aren’t welcome round Croker anymore.

In a typically tourist and supporter-friendly initiative that further underlines Croke Park’s self-promotion as one of the greatest stadia in Europe, it has been revealed that the Dublin City Council’s Committee on Traffic is seeking to throw a two mile parking exclusion zone round headquarters. In effect any car parking on-street would be clamped or towed.

Ulster GAA supporters and people from Meath already have first hand experience of the actions of clampers on match day, zealots who terrorise innocent matchgoers in ways that make Al Qaeda look like the sisters of Mother Theresa. Apparently Croke Park is complicit in this decision. I hear you ask ‘What other organisation would treat its customers with such disdain?’ Indeed.

The decision follows years of gridlock on streets around Croke Park we are told. ‘Resident only parking’ will restrict people attending Croke Park from parking in the immediate vicinity of the stadium and end the situation where residents are trapped in their homes we are assured. No word of any initiatives on parking to help alleviate the situation.

It’s official then - keep culchies, nordies, clampits and their fellow travellers out of Croker.

The sort of brown paper bag Nickey Brennan is seeking to do away with

Hard on the heels of news that payments to intercounty players through the ’scheme-formerly-known-as-grants-now-called-expenses’ are not an infringement of Rule 11, Nickey Brennan has announced that he has the issue of illegal payments to managers in his sights.

Speaking after Congress gave legal payments to players the green light, Nickey said of illegal payments to managers:

“It is no great secret that the whole amateur code is being tampered with by a number of people and it is nothing to do with players’ expenses or grants. I have felt Rule 11 is very loose and bland at the moment and I think we need to redefine it in the context of amateurism today and what we mean by it. It is clearly defined now that players can market themselves and get paid for that and still not infringe our amateur status.”

Whether Government will come to the rescue again and offer managers ‘expenses’ at the going rate of around £80/€100 a session and the use of a dacent car with a full tank of diesel to get you home remains to be seen. But even a blind man can see the noddin’ and winkin’ that goes on up and and down the country as clubs push the envelope to make sure they’ve got their man in the (brown paper) bag.

Laid back - Canning languid style impressive

Veteran hurling manager Ger Loughnane has seen a fair few decent hurlers come and go over the years, but even he must be excited at the prospect of working with Portumna’s ace Joe Canning this summer.

Yesterday at the Gaelic Grounds in Limerick we caught a glimpse of what we can expect over the next couple of months. Not since Setanta O hAilpin came onto the scene has the appearance of a young hurler come burdened with such expectation and excitement.

Joe Canning did not disappoint with his repertoire of shooting and passing. Bringing other players into the game has long been an integral part of his game often overlooked as he posted big scores in big matches with monotonous frequency. Yesterday he hit three points from play and finished off with the coup de grace - a swerving sideline cut into the wind from about sixty metres out that bent in alarmingly to sail over the bar. Another cameo showed his focus and bravery as he flicked the ball away one handed amidst a melee of players having lost his hurley. The Corkman pulled on regardless - committed to the strike, and young Joe appeared to get a sore enough lookin’ oul welt round the hole.

With sidelines set to be the fashionable score of choice this summer - Ben O’Connor and Eamon Corcoran also landed a couple yesterday - Joe Canning will certainly catch the imagination and can do wonders for promoting hurling. Said Loughnane:

“The amazing thing about Joe is that he is so calm. Before the game it was like he was going out to play a challenge match for Portumna. People are always looking at what he scored. But it’s what he does off the ball and brings others in to the game. It’s his unselfishness and the vision he has. They are also characteristics that people often underestimate.”

Sez Joe: “I just take every match as it comes,” he said. “It isn’t any different to any other game I played in my life so you have to approach every game as if it is your last.”

Two Friends of Armagh - The Orchard’s Ripe

Fans and footballers alike at Crossmaglen raised an eyebrow and more at the sight of the latest promotional effort by the fundraising group ‘Friends of Armagh.’

Taking a fig leaf from boxing and American sporting events, the Armagh County Board enlisted three or four young ladies to perk things up as they wandered around the field exhorting the passionate Armagh support to part with their hard earned cash and help run the well oiled machine that is Armagh football.

A week after Meath manager Colm Coyle claimed Armagh had thrown in the towel, there was no sign of early baths as the Orchard men blew the Dubs away with three killer goals.

Talking Balls doesn’t know whether it was Coyle’s ill-judged remarks or the Friends of Armagh swingin’ in behind the team but whatever. . . it worked.