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This week in Talking Balls we reflect on the latest twist in the Pay for Play dispute. Now its not grants, its expenses. Glad someone knows what they’re talking about.

The Powers that Be have entered the Guinness Book of Records for the longest press release ever issued - we carry it in full for all you insomniacs. Three sponsors per competition - an Arab airline and Guinness in the same breath. Ye wouldn’t credit it.

We consider the latest support arrangements for top level camogie players - they need all the up front support they can get - financial or otherwise so that’s a great boost for them.

Kieran Donaghy has himself in hot water over gestures made to supporters in Mayo - poor Kieran he got caught on and had to apologise. What was he thinking of?

He hear sensational news about a link between hurling and the British Royal Family that is causing consternation among the hurling fraternity.

As the Portumna lads take time out to go on the beer, Resident Expert Ger Manas salutes the achievement of Joe Canning and looks forward to great things this summer. If he plays that is.

Easter comes but once a year so if you feel an Easter Rising coming on, speak to your doctor. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Ballls.

Side Step Means All Players are Equal. . . Some More Equal than Others

There has been lengthy coverage of the neat side step that has led to the revised Annual Team Performance & Support Schemes -with agility reminiscent of a SAQ session the references to grants have been expunged from the record, in favour of a new set of terminologies that talks about expenses.

Among the items enshrined in the scheme are the requirement that players sign up to a team performance and team development plan. The scheme also embeds non-recognition of the that endangered species - the dual player, stating unequivocally that ‘In no circumstances may a player claim a refund of expenses in relation to two Panels.’

As reported extensively in the media the sliding scale for funding ranges downwards from €75,000 per team for All Ireland Finalists to €42,000 for those poor souls in the Nicky Rackard Cup.

The detail of the scheme rather poetically states: “Gaelic senior inter-county players provide the window through which our national games are viewed nationally and internationally. It is recognised that successful teams prepare and train to highest international standards for team sports. It is also recognised that the current scheme of tax relief for professional sports people does not apply to Gaelic players because of their amateur status.”

We would respectfully suggest that there are perfectly good windows on the GAA in every town and parish in the country. Further, teams that are unsuccessful prepare and train to very high standards - by this measure and the inbuilt sliding scale the unequivocal measure of success is winning an All Ireland senior Final. A feat that in hurling and football very few teams can even realistically aspire to. The GPA have always acknowledged that the hurler from Mayo, or Leitrim or Tyrone prepares just as hard as Tommy Walsh and his ilk. In the rush to get this sorted, they have now devised and signed up to a scheme that institutionalizes player apartheid and more’s the pity.

Tis true - all players are equal but some are more equal than others.

Portumna Lads Given Time Off to Go on the Lash

Following their ten point beating of Birr on St Paddy’s day, the Portumna players have very kindly been given time off by the Galway county management to go on the beer.

With Joe Canning’s exploits in putting everything he can over the bar becoming the stuff of legend, it is thought he and the others would be hitting the high stool at the bar before sliding under the table in the manner of freshly poured All Ireland champions.

Sez county selector: “The least we can do is let the Portumna lads enjoy their success. We will be in contact with all the lads in the next couple of days and we’ll be looking forward to have any of them in the Galway set-up. The guys who are involved with us will be coming in with a great sense of achievement after what they have done with the club and they will be looking for more with Galway later in the year. We have a great chance.”

Donaghy Fluent in Sign Language

Kerry star Kieran Donaghy, who’s handy with both balls, endeared himself to Mayo fans during the weekend’s match by making what he has euphemistically described as an ‘inappropriate gesture.’

Not having been at the match Talking Balls can only speculate as to the nature of the gesture and furthermore we are at a loss to understand what constitutes an ‘appropriate gesture’ for that matter. Donaghy made the sign, believed to involve finger or fingers moving up and down in a vertical direction, after he was allegedly hit by a coin. It is not known whether any members of the One True Belief faction were at the match and throwing money at players to express their disapproval over the hames of a pay for play issue which recent times has either been boring the hole of everyone or is the most pressing issue in GAA-dom since we opened Croker to other sports and let the PSNI in - depending on your point of view. Despite repeated calls we have been unable to confirm or deny suggestions that Kieran Donaghy made a circle with his thumb and index finger to denote the sin of Onan among the crowd in Castlebar although there are known to be a fair few of that sort attending GAA matches.

Talking Balls applauds big Donaghy for drawing attention to unsavoury behaviour amongst GAA fans, often known for their unruly and sometimes drunken carry on. Sez he: “During the latter stages of Sunday’s NFL game in Castlebar and in the heat of the moment, I used an inappropriate gesture towards the crowd. I apologise unreservedly to spectators and all sports fans for any offence I may have caused by this action,” he said.

Speaking about the possibility of a One True Belief stunt at the game he added: “You associate hurling coins at players and missiles with other sports like Italian soccer and the professional games but not in our sport and I hope it never again happens in the GAA because our players and supporters have always mingled without any problems.”

It is believed that in celebrating their win on Sunday evening the Mayo players may have ‘mingled’ with some attractive female supporters.

Hurling to Be Abolished By Royal Appointment

Plans are afoot in Gaelic and Athletic circles to dissolve all senior hurling teams and abandon the sport for good following revelations that it is in fact a collaborationist activity that uses material provided by the Queen of England and her ilk.

According to the Tree Council of Ireland (whoever the f*** they are) hurleys are being manufactured from ash trees grown by Queen Elizabeth. Clad in the butcher’s apron the senior royal figure is believed to personally tend the trees, talking to them in the finest Queen’s English to help them grow and prosper. They are now used in preference to the less prevalent and highly oppressed Irish Ash.

Representatives of the British House of Windsor were unavailable for comment when Talking Balls sent a few of the lads round to the house to ask a few questions, but in response to a telephone call, one plumy voiced bollix said: “Hurling? One’s never even heard of it? Does the fox live when one’s finished?”

According the Tree Council of Ireland, more than sixty per cent of the ash used in making hurleys is imported because Irish ash is in such short supply, the majority of it having been burnt in Derry by the Continuity Burn the Ash Brigade from the Bellaghy, Ballinderry, Newbridge no go zone for hurling.

In a comment that would have well-known Rebel son Michael Collins - not the crap referee - the other one - spinning in his grave, father of the O’Connor twins Bernie commented: “I import all my ash from Europe, but I wouldn’t mind if it was the Queen’s as long as it would be good quality. Of course hurley makers would like to use native ash if you can get it.”

Seismic Change by Aussies - Me Arse

Nickey Brennan has set himself up for a fall by hailing the seismic change in attitude by the Australians that has led to the reinstatement of the International Rules series.

So, the high kicking, face-punching, gouging, head banging and sledging will return to your screens later this year in glorious techniocolour as the two associations have cosied up in Dubai and agreed to resuscitate the spectacle - conveniently forgetting the disgraceful scenes that led to all out warfare culminating in Graham Geraghty having his head bounced up and down off the Croke Park surface like a crash test dummy. Mmmmmmmmm.

Sez Old Nick: “We got feedback from the public that it was a series worth pursuing and I felt there was sufficient support to at least re-engage and develop a document. We worked very hard at that and when we came back from Dubai (where the two bodies met) a lot of people were surprised by what we had achieved at that meeting.”

He stopped short of saying the Australian psyche no longer is based on an insatiable will to win, machismo, sledging and an ultra competitive streak that puts every other country to shame.

No doubt sitting back on an oul terrace in Dubai with the sun beating down and a hint of a sirocco blowing through the air the decision was easy enough made.

New Sponsorship Deal Press Release Bores for Ireland

The following piece is unnecessarily boring, moronic and long winded. Apologies for that, it is an edited version of the official press release about the new partnership sponsors for the hurling and football championships. We have corrected some of the typos but Talking Balls fully understands if you’d prefer not to read it or indeed if you fall asleep mid-quote from one of the myriad sponsorship partners. Read it and sleep.

In a hail of mumbo jumbo that involved every sponsor in God’s creation getting a spoke in, the Powers that Be have revealed details of a multi sponsor arrangement for the hurling and football championships this summer. As first revealed in Talking Balls a few weeks back each tournament will feature a Champions League style deal with three headline partners per competition.

Nickey Brennan was positively glowing as he announced the arrangements: “Let me start by saying how pleased I am to welcome aboard our sponsors, Toyota, Ulster Bank and Vodafone in Football and Etihad Airways, Guinness and RTÉ in Hurling, to what are undoubtedly the major domestic sponsorship properties in Ireland.

“I am also pleased to announce that the GAA will be investing in a major marketing support campaign to promote the Championships which will include a comprehensive advertising, PR and promotional drive throughout the duration of the competitions. The GAA’s Commercial and Marketing team has been bolstered and PR and Advertising agencies have been appointed to oversee the roll out of what we hope will be an effective campaign to promote the GAA Championships.”

Tony Meenaghan of Smurfit School of Business and Sponsorship Advisor to the GAA gave the following succinct and to-the-point interpretation: “The multi-sponsor model represents a significant landmark in terms of sponsorship in the Irish market. It embodies important lessons from international sponsorship practice, yet is tailored to suit the GAA, its structures and its ambitions while simultaneously delivering value and protection to its partners. In short, the new sponsorship model is comprehensive and integrated in terms of the elements of the sponsorship package, it is business-like in terms of the delivery systems which have been put in place and is both challenging and yet hugely rewarding for both sponsors and the GAA and its Games.”

If you have made it thus far in this story, fair play to ye. Now read on all ye suffers from insomnia. In an increasingly effusive burst of hyperbole, Dave Shannon, Chief Executive, Toyota Ireland spouted:
“Toyota Ireland and the GAA have had a long relationship at many different levels, most recently through our initiative, as official car to the GAA, of providing cars to raise funds, some €750,000, for the county and club panels in the All Ireland Football, Hurling and League Finals. Indeed, through the years we have placed great emphasis on the support of Irish Culture, the Irish Language and Sport. Thus, as the most popular car brand in Ireland, we see this sponsorship of the All Ireland Football Championship, which epitomises the very best of Irish sporting endeavour and culture, as a natural progression for us. We look forward to playing our part in ensuring the Football Championship remains at the forefront of Irish Sporting life.”

Cormac McCarthy, no relative of the brilliant author of the same name of The Crossing, All the Pretty Horses, Blood Meridian and the Oscar winning No Country for Old Men, but Chief Executive of the Ulster Bank Group, and employer of Seán Óg O hAilpín amongst others said: “We are delighted to announce our involvement in one of the most sought after sports sponsorships in Ireland, the GAA Football All Ireland Senior Championship. Ulster Bank has supported GAA on a variety of levels over the last number of years however this new deal brings us to a completely different level in sports sponsorship.”

In an astonishing piece of PR puffery and self promotion not to mention numerous grandiose claims that cannot be delivered, he continued; “We have made no secret of our ambition to be the number one bank on the island of Ireland and we feel that the sponsorship of the GAA football Championship is consistent with that ambition. We look forward to ensuring the 2008 GAA Football Championships is the best yet for all involved - in particular for our customers and employees.”

Fair play to Vodafone Ireland’s Consumer Director, Carolan Lennon who said;
“Vodafone has been a major sponsor of Gaelic Games since 1997. We are now embarking on our twelfth season with this exciting new sponsorship. We plan to increase our investment and bring innovation through telecoms services that compliment Gaelic games.”

Not one to miss out, James Hogan, Etihad Airways’ Chief Executive, said;
“In less than a year Etihad Airways has developed a strong affinity with Ireland, with Dublin quickly establishing itself as one of our most popular routes. We are very proud to begin this partnership with the Gaelic Athletic Association and look forward to contributing further to the Irish community which has supported our airline so enthusiastically since we started flying to Dublin in July 2007.”

Neither was Michael Whelan, Sponsorship Director, Diageo, said;
“Guinness very much welcomes the new sponsorship model which we believe can only benefit hurling in the long term. We are confident that the experience we have gained over thirteen championship seasons can and will make a real difference in establishing the new model. We have given the GAA a two year commitment to help ensure that the new model will have every chance of success”

On behalf of RTE Geraldine O’Leary, Commercial Director, RTÉ Television said;
“RTÉ is delighted to be one of the partners who have secured sponsorship of the hurling championship for the next two years. This sponsorship provides a platform for RTÉ Sport to reinforce our brand with a huge number of GAA fans while strengthening our association with our national game”.

Someone else said: “Blah Blah Blah Blah, sponsorship Blah, Irish Culture Blah, Blah, proud, Blah. . .” At this point we tuned out, switched off and went home and slept for a long time.

Much Needed Support Up Front for Leading Camogs

Hard on the heels of the settlement of the pay for play controversy, Camogie Mother Superior Liz Howard has announced that fourteen of Camogie’s leading lights are set to receive around €500 each in sponsorship in a deal worth €7000. It is believed the welcome funds will provide a year’s supply of fake tan and other essential accessories for the lucky ladies, including specialist nutritional requirements such as provision of chicken fillets and other much needed support mechanisms.

In the third year of the scheme, supported by the Irish Sports Council. Liz pointed out, it will have to be monitored as closely as the scheme announced by the GAA.

“If you give out money, you have got to see some return for it, otherwise there will be questions asked. We have to keep our part of the commitment to the Sports Council as well on any aid we get from them. These students are among the people who will shape the future, that’s why we came up with the bursary scheme. What we want is a commitment they will stay with camogie, that they will promote the game in whatever their chosen career is. They are nearly all inter-county players, very energetic people, very focused both on their careers and camogie.

“We have also asked them to give a little bit back, that they do coaching at Easter and summer camps, at local and second levels whenever they can. And that will be monitored by our Director of Camogie Development, Mary O’Connor.

It is believed that the girls will not spend the funds on a mad rip of drink-fuelled mayhem over Easter. Now lads, ye wouldn’t do that, would ye? Just in case you see any of the lads out and about, remind them that they are shaping their own future and ask them to buy you a drink, courtesy of the Irish Sports Council:

Aileen Laverty (Derry/UUJ); Mary Kate McNicholl (Derry/UUJ); Laura Linnane (Clare/NUI, Galway); Elaine Tannian (Galway/Sligo IT); Karen McMullen (Down/UUJ); Orna Neville (Cork/Mary Immaculate College, Limerick); Ursula Jacob (Wexford/Waterford IT); Emily Mangan (Meath/Dundalk IT); Mags D’Arcy (Wexford/UCD); Maria O’Sullivan (Dublin/DCU); Fionnuala Carr (Down/UUJ); Niamh Butler (Kilkenny/St Patrick’s College, Drumcondra); Eileen Fitzpatrick (Kilkenny/St Patrick’s College, Drumcondra); Charlotte Raher (Waterford/UCD).

Cork Supporters’ Clubs Founded in Wexford and Roscommon

Cork’s behaviour recently has not endeared them to many Gaelic and Athletic people but they can definitely strike the relegation threatened Wexford hurlers and Roscommon footballers off their Christmas card list.

Wexford are mighty miffed they have to play Cork on Sunday after Kilkenny and Waterford were handed the points for their matches. Roscommon are also appealing the decision to award Meath and Dublin the points after they were given walkovers by Cork in the NFL.

“It’s unfair on the counties who have to play Cork. The decision taken by the CCCC is unconstitutional, for Cork should have been deducted four points instead. Instead, they were handed a paltry fine,” said Wexford chairman Ger Doyle. “Our action will be against the system that’s been adopted, it’s not against Cork,” he added.

What makes most people want to puke is the fact that after being on strike, the Rebels come back as if nothing had happened and bate all round them.

The hoors.

Hey Joe - Where you Goin’ With That Hurl in Your Hand?

This week Resident Expert Ger Manas reflects on the latest display by prodigy Joe Canning - he’s hoping this is only the start of it.

I was watching the club hurling final there on Monday. I have to say now that Brian Whelehan fella is a pleasure to watch as usual - him flickin’ the ball round the place - one of them Brazilian orphans that can do tricks with a football wouldn’t be any more comfortable than he is. There he was down in the corner in the first half - him nearly the age of mesel, and jiggery pokerying away, Jaze even that Ollie Canning fella couldn’t get near him. I thought the ref now was a bit of a bollix sending Brian off near the end - the game was over, Birr was bate and altho’ he shouldna thumped yer man I could see where he was comin from. The ref coulda left him be.

If Brian was goin’ out one door - that Joe Canning was coming in the other.

F*** me but he’s the real deal that fella. He bates them sideline balls over the bar as if he was throwin pebbles in a stream. He steps up and misses a penalty - no fuss at all - just gets on with the work. There’s all this chat about Joe and his freetakin - and he was tellin’ me hisself he needs to be scoring more from play - and he maybe does but I’ll tell you his link play was as good as anything else he done on Monday. For yer man’s goal - and what about his presence of mind to kick her in after he was hooked - Joe just dinked the ball through as them w***ers would say on match of the day in the BBC. Then there was that point in the first half where he got the ball inside their 14 yard line - here we go thought I to mesel - he’s about to burst the net or nail the point. Not a bit of it - loops a ball back out to the 21 for the other fella to send her straight over the bar. And the handpass for the goal chance yer other lad ballsed up. Unreal.

I felt a bit sorry for Birr - I remember slowin’ down mesel as I got older and it was always hard to take - especially when some speedy wee hoor would run round you and past you as if you were a f***in pillar of salt. That’s what Birr reminded me of as the Portumna boys started running at them. The third goal by Hayes was a thing of beauty as the man says. Cuttin’ in an’ shootin like that - what weak side? Canning will be some addition of Loughnane can get him out for Galway - he’s a big lad - maybe could be a bit trimmer but if he’s for playin’ this year then Galway could take the watchin.

Only thing for Joe is that he’s been around for years and he’s still only nineteen - he’d need to be checked out for burn out! But the way he influences games is great - the All Ireland U-21 final last year, he stepped out the field and let Wade and the other lad cut loose while he waved his hurl like a f***in conductor’s baton. He hit one of the Dubs a brave slap in the balls too if I remember right. Not surprised there- the Dubs were telling the Derry lads that he was big fat Joe and not worth a shite. He answered that one ok that day. Remember too the semi final when he hit them sidelines again’ Cork and again when he went out the field to run the show. He’s more than just a target man to me and he’s worth the money in to any ground. That Fitzgibbon match too - whatever he got 1-17 or 1-16 and still got bate. Unreal. Loughnane will be rubbing the hands if he has an inclination that Joe will be there and here’s hoping to Jaze that he is.

The brother too Ollie is some operator - he was a class act over the years and Monday was no different. He was off the Galways panel - that oul row in the county final might have made him jack it in but again if he comes back it will be some lift. Overall I reckon there’s about six of them Portumna lads could do the job if they wanted to - Loughnane will show his mettle if he can get them to play. That’s the sign of a good manager I think - getting lads to play for you. The late Eamon Coleman was probably one of the best examples of that with those Derry fellas. Harte now too has them boys playin’ for him and Cody as well. This’ll be make or break for Ger but don’t bet against him doing damage this year - especially if Canning’s there. What’s the odds Joe for a sideline ball to win the All Ireland.

Someone was asking me what I’m doin’ over Easter? Well I’m gonna run the legs of a pile of wimmin I’ve been asked to help with; I’m gonna go to the services on Friday for a bit of contemplation; on Saturday I’m gonna buy Easter eggs for all the youngsters and on Sunday - I’m gonna sit on my hole. After that, the season starts in earnest and there’s work to be done. No better man than me when I’ve the bit between me teeth. Happy Easter.

This week in Talking Balls we look at the biggest divorce this year, bigger even than the Paul McCartney and Heather Mills spat. A bit like Mills, it looks like the GPA doesn’t have a leg to stand on, after former GPA apparatchik Donal O’Neill, with all the precision of a man scorned, emptied both barrels, lock stock and barrel into the claims that the GPA wasn’t after pay for play. And the brains behind the GPA? Not Dessie Farrell, so siree according to O’Neill, but Talking Balls’ favourite Rebel son - Donal Óg Cusack. Our One True Belief is that this will set the cat among the pigeons ahead of the DRA hearing and Congress deliberations.

We’re reporting from a trip on the high seas after our coverage of Cork and whaling came together to get us a trip of a lifetime. Read it and weep. We consider some of the ongoing fall out from the Aussie interest in gaelic games. What is it with teenagers in Australia that these dudes have to come over here and steal ours.

Cork change the habits of a lifetime without a fuss and get away with it for a change. In Tyrone we hear that Brian McGuigan continued his comeback with half a game for Ardboe against Clonduff in the Ulster League. Over eight hundred days we’re told since he played for Tyrone. The sheer dedication, focus and commitment to get him back to playing is unbelievable and Talking Balls will be making the pilgrimage to Omagh on Saturday night to stand and watch when he makes it back onto the pitch in a Tyrone shirt.

Resident expert Ger Manas has been out and about in Kerry, although what he saw in his hotel gave him plenty of food for thought.

Finally all the best to the players of Nemo Rangers, St Vincent’s, Portumna and Birr. Some serious pedigree on show in Croke Park, Dublin on Monday. All clubs previous All Ireland winners, Nemo unbeaten in All Ireland finals; St Vincent’s a fairytale waiting to happen for Mickey Whelan and the likes of Heffo. Old and young prodigies on the field in the hurling in the form of Brian Whelahan and scoring phenomenon Joe Canning about half his age - man of the match the last time he played in a club final at the age of seventeen. Should be two crackers - we hope.

If you’re going to Croke Park on Monday, remember your club got free tickets so make sure you use them. Otherwise buy your own. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E G-P-A-style

If you’ve ever wondered what hands rubbing with glee sounds like, then you should have driven down through Kildress direction at the weekend. One True Belief Chief Wiz Mark Conway was seriously wearing out those ungreased palms of his at the news that former GPA commercial guru Donal ‘The Hairdo’ O’Neill had launched a few stingers at his until-recent colleagues in the players’ body. Most controversially he believes they have brought about pay for play through their actions.

Hardly fit to contain himself, Conway is reported to have said: “What Donal O’Neill said came as no surprise, it confirmed what we believed but I’d commend him for his honesty.” What went unreported isn’t known - maybe Mark will let Talking Balls know.

Predicting difficult times ahead for the GPA, Donal O’Neill warned: “The GPA are in a very dangerous situation because inevitably its commercial appeal will wane as the GAA and its units become more operationally efficient in that whole area,”

He also took a swipe, well reported this week thus far, at the decision to go on strike. “I am all for aggressive action because I think that’s the only action the GAA understands. But what should have happened - and would arguably have achieved the same result without the very negative kickback from the grassroots - was a refusal to play in front of the live TV cameras.

O’Neill also thinks that the GPA is being run by Donal Óg Cusack. Regular readers of Talking Balls will understand we have always held this view. In fact we consider Donal Óg to be Che Guevara to Dessie Farrell’s Fidel Castro. More radical, cuter, more of a fanatic, a true rebel. In fact Donal Óg is more likely to crash and burn a la Che fighting a cause somewhere else - first the Cork footballers, maybe Irish rugby players heave-ho-ing Eddie O’Sullivan, while Dessie grows old, grows a beard and presides over a quaint but decaying old comrades association.

O’Neill thinks au contraire, in the words of the former Brits Out campaign in the dirty North - Time to Go.

“I employed him originally and I think he’s done a good job, but the association needs new blood and Dessie should be replaced in the next year or two,” stated O’Neill. “You need to keep the target moving and we’ve had those discussions, and I’m sure Dessie will make his own decision as I did mine, one which I’m happy about.”

He didn’t quite say he was doing a shit job but football isn’t the only game played between the lines.

Dessie of course can’t let it lie. His riposte? “We are all aware that Donal has moved on. These are just his personal opinions and I think they are almost irrelevant to the here and now, now he has moved on. One of biggest issues I would have is Donal’s insistence that the grants deal undermines the amateur ethos. Donal would have been well aware that as part of thrashing out the deal with the GAA and the Irish Sports Council, we gave an undertaking to uphold the amateur status of the GAA. In fact at the last Central Council meeting we gave another undertaking to enhance that amateur status section in the agreement.”

Irish News GAA writer hit the nail on the head on Tuesday when he pointed out that most things that Donal O’Neill predicted would happen have happened. It would appear that Donal’s One True Belief and One True Belief believe one and the same thing. As that doughty defender of workers rights and well known Gaelic footballer Bob Dylan sang on the steps of the Hogan Stand, ‘The Times are a Changin.’

Cork Captain Appointed Without Industrial Action

In the midst of the recent local disagreement over selectors and managers, another seismic change took place in Cork GAA last week. Following a decision by the county board, Na Piarsaigh hurler John Gardiner becomes the first Rebels’ captain to be appointed by the team management rather than being nominated by the County champions.

For the record the last player to hold that honour was Kieran ‘Hero’ Murphy from Erin’s Own. Gardiner led his charges out for the first time in Sunday in Parnell Park for their first league match of the season against Dublin.

“It’s a great honour for me personally, for my family and for my club. There’s a great sense of pride as well. I’m going into my seventh season now and I’m hoping it’s a reward for all the hard work. Naturally I was delighted with the news. The rest of the lads were told later and their reaction was encouraging, plenty of congratulations and applause.”

Well, easy on the clichés John - they were hardly going to call you a bollix and go on strike were they? Well maybe. . .

He added, tipping a wink at the democracy surrounding the Rebels’ panel: “We have natural leaders on the pitch in the likes of Dónal Óg Cusack, Séan Óg Ó hAailpín, Diarmuid O’Sullivan and Ronan Curran and they’ll carry on what they’re doing, regardless of who’s the captain.”

Good luck to John Gardiner - tough enough season to make your mark but no better man as Tony Morgan would say.

Whaling Away

This issue of Talking Balls is coming to you live from an anti-whaling ship in the Antarctic sea. Following our extensive coverage of the Cork players’ dispute, Talking Balls has been invited out here specially to report on the activities of the Anti-whalers on the rebel Sea Shepherd ship. The vessel is called - appropriately enough - the Steve Irwin after the man who tackled wild f***in animals everywhere except in Kerry.

So we’re sitting here in our oilskins, dictaphone in hand, digital camera in the other shooting footage of these loopers who today threw rancid butter at the crew of a Japanese whaling ship. Unfortunately for the lads the ship has run out of fuel and has to head back to port. But prior to that they had asked me what Graham Canty, Donal Óg Cusack and particularly Noel O’Leary were at these days and were they available as they need a mixture of strength, cute political savvy and pure ignorance to really get under the Japanese whalers’ skins.

The season ends in two weeks and one of the crew, originally from Cloyne, likened the campaign so far to getting knocked out of the hurling championship at the semi final stage but still getting to play in Croker. He reckons they’ve saved over 500 whales’ lives.

Not deterred by our rancid butter attack, the Whalers responded with flash-bang grenades, which create a loud noise but do not disperse any shrapnel. Unlike Frank Murphy that is.

The Sea Shepherd group pledge to do anything short of causing injury to stop Japan’s annual whale kill, which they in turn try to justify on scientific grounds. Talking Balls readers from the Blasket Islands will recall eating whale years ago, yerra it would have kept Tomás Ó Criomhthain in craic for years.

“We’ve done everything we can do down here for this season, and it has been an enormous success,” the man from Cloyne toul us. He was scathing too over criticism from the International Whaling Commission in London that accused the group of
“jeopardising safety at sea”.

Sez the man from Cloyne: “While they were in London talking about whales, we were down here actually protecting the whales. So they can condemn us until the cows come home, but I think we served our clients, the whales, as best we could, and every whale’s life saved has been a victory for us.”

With that, we cracked open another bottle of Lagavullin, stepped out of our oilskins and settled down for a night’s craic, ceoil agus damhsa and a few Scottish sea shanties led by an oul Shinty player from Fort William called Donald Cussach.

Aussie Tug o’ War

As criticism mounts over the operations and goings on of some Aussie clubs in their attempts to lure the cream of young Irish manhood overseas - the largest migration of young Irish males to Australia since the orphanages were shut down - one of the true success stories has talked of his desire to come home at some stage.

An Riocht and Down star, Martin Clarke, currently with Aussie Rules outfit Collingwood, is contracted to play down under until 2009 but could return after that. “I will work hard for Collingwood because that is what I am committed to do, but there is a massive pull for me to return home at some stage.”

In the Oz off-season Clarke scored a goal as An Riocht beat Kilcoo to win the county league title. His appetite for his native game hasn’t dimmed any, in fact the taste of the league decider seemed to give him added enthusiasm. We reckon Clarke would be a star whatever sport he turned his mind to.

Meanwhile Carlton are in the dock for their alleged unorthodox approaches to the likes of Laois’s Zach Tuohy. Apparently their interest stems not just from his two goal salvo against Derry in the All Ireland minor championship semi final last year but also because he has a great name for Aussie Rules.

2008 Sigerson to Maybe be Completed in 2010

With antipodean scouts also apparently dodging about the Sigerson at the weekend, Poly supremo Tommy Joe Farrell says he heard a few Aussie accents in the VIP tent. He wasn’t sure if they were on hand to poach the likes of Raymie Mulgrew and Paddy Cunningham or just there for the free beer.

Talking Balls can exclusively reveal that apparently they were there on a fact-finding mission to understand how an appeal over player registrations can make such a balls of Ireland’s premier inter-varsities gaelic football competition - the Sigerson Cup.

For the uninitiated there are currently two appeals against results ongoing involving Carlow IT (the unfortunate hosts who had their planned weekend destroyed) and Cork IT, both of whom contest the eligibility of players on the Garda College squad who by virtue of having won both the games under dispute have qualified to play GMIT in the semi final. The Poly meanwhile defeated a strong DIT team to qualify for a final that will be played in 2010, according to conservative estimates.

Just so you understand, the Garda could forfeit both matches meaning the competition would have to roll itself back so that Carlow IT would play Cork IT in the quarter final both have already lost; so that a winner can play GMIT in the semi final that was postponed; to establish who will play the UUJ team in the Sigerson Final.

That’s assuming there are no further appeals.

Down Demolition

Last issue we flagged up this problem - now we’re getting annoyed about it. National Camogie League Div 3: Down 6-18 Derry 0-1.

The Derry Junior camogs, in reality a minor team, have now conceded thirteen goals and thirty seven points in two league outings in two weeks. They have scored two points. The latest match was reported in glorious technicolour in an extensive half page match report in Monday’s Irish News, complete with full colour photograph. This is a similar Down team to the one defeated in last year’s Ulster Final by the current Derry Intermediate team. The differential that day? One point.

Down captain and defender Moya Maginn said after the match: ‘It is hard to tell what shape we are in after that. We expected a tougher match.’ I’m sure!

Down mentor Joe Baldwin added: “We shot an awful lot of wides. That’s something we need to continue to work on.”

Apart from asking has he air getting’ in? - we reckon praise be they did shoot a lot of wides for the sake of the score and the opposition. Given the scoreline it’s not clear to Talking Balls when they would have found the time to shoot wides as they were flat out scoring goals and points. Our thoughts are entirely with the young Derry players.

Just so you understand now, Talking Balls thinks players should play games because they enjoy it. They don’t play so they can get hammered week in week out, or because they want to be miserable. If that happens players will walk away from the team - and the game of camogie and that’s not right. Somebody needs to do something here, and quickly. Remember, Playing is only Part of it.

Losin’ in Kerry Doesn’t Add up to a Hill of Refried Beans

Last weekend Tealking Balls Resident expert Ger Manas headed off on a spot of R&R and found himself with some unexpected company in his Killarney Heights hotel. From what he saw, he thinks 2008 could be the year Derry ends its great hunger.

Meself and the wife headed down Kerry direction there at the weekend - jaze took f***in ages to get there - dunno how them Kerrymen stick the travelling. Then I spose they never go anywhere other than Dublin in September.

Club Tyrone had given me a few holiday vouchers left over after they dished out the players big fancy ones for winning Ulster - that meant boys can head off ski-ing, mountain climbing or in the case of one or two of them I heard went looking spiritual enlightenment. Anyway, whatever the f*** they’re at and I don’t really care, one of the Club Tyrone head honchos threw me a voucher for an oul hotel in Kerry - the Killarney Heights - for some work I did during the summer camps with the Under-tens when the county men were busy and I was up in the area last summer.

No harm to the wife but when I got there on Friday night all I wanted to do was sleep but the wife had other ideas. She wanted to go and use the swimming pool and the sun bed and all that shite. I threw on a pair of oul football shorts I had in a bag in the boot of the car and went down to swim. When I appeared in the lobby with me towel and shorts the f***in looks I got. Turns out there was no swimming pool - some shower these Tyrone men I thought, hotel with no pool. As for the wife - not pleased wouldn’t do her justice.

We agreed a bit of oul detante - I would go shopping with her round the tourist fleshpots in Killarney and maybe ride about in an oul horse and trap for a while - provided I got down to watch the Derry match on Sunday again Kerry. I’d toul Paddy Crozier I might be about to watch this and that and give a bit of analysis during the week. So we had a great time altogether out and about round Killarney. We headed back up to the hotel which was near enough the town centre when what’s we see - the place is f***in comin down with Derry people. My idea of hell. All ye can hear is ‘Sur this’ and ‘Sur that. Would ye credit it - Tyrone send me to Kerry to stay in a hotel full of Derry ones - twas as well McGilligan’s retired or there could have been a hanlin’.

I talked quickly to one or two of the fellas I know - them boys looked like they were chokin’ for a pint and to be fair if it was the Derry hurling team they probably would have been into the bar faster than Skinner introducin’ himself to a woman. Yer man McCloskey was patrollin’ round like a sergeant major - he’s the boyo behind the Armagh men’s red book and I’ll tell you he looked like he means business. I know him from before.

When we got back into the hotel for dinner, them Derry boys were all sittin’ there like schoolboys on a trip, sayin’ nothin. The food they were eating looked like f***in somethin’ out of weightwatchers when the daughter was on it - chicken and lettuce and shite like that. No spuds, no pasta, maybe a wee bit of rice. The boys looked like they were about to ate the table cloths they were that hungry. Specially some of them big hoors like Muldoon and McGuckian. Yer man Paddy Bradley anyway, he obviously either likes the pies or he’s special but he calls the wee Pole over and gets her to bring him and a couple of the other older lads chocolate fudge cake and ice cream or whatever.

Next thing McCloskey goes mad, and tells them no more! Jaze I laughed and as for Paddy Crozier, he looks heartbroken, not cos the team were lookin’ puddin’ but cos I think he fancied a bit hisself. Some of them fellas from up the country, they’s used the ma making a pot with half a field of spuds in it for about three of them, a bucket of beans and a pile of meat or chicken that wouldn’t look out of place in the lion’s den. Next thing they’re away with the county team and they’re atin’ like f***in super models - bit of lettuce here, drink of water there, handful of pomegranate seeds, a tomata there - one a week mind cos it’s full of oxatives or whatever the blazes they are - no such thing as steak and chips. One boyo I know on a county squad was toul to get the weight down or the fat count down and he would ate f*** all except shredded wheat and skimmed milk for a week before the next weigh in. Then once he got the all clear from the nutritionist away he’d go - he liked them tortoise chip things with tomata sauce and chillis them Mexicans like. Ate them to a band playin’ with tins of draught stout.

Was in Mexico one time for a fortnight meself when I was in the States - ate a pile of them tortoise chips, salsa and refried beans - fajinas I think they’re called. Jaze I had to sit on an ice pack afterwards tasty, but made ye very hasty in the bog department. Beans are bad enough cooked once but why they refried them I dunno. It’s no wonder them Mexicans bate Davey Crockett at the Alamo - f***in blew him out of it. I drank a pile of that Mescal stuff too over there. This boyo toul me to ate the worm. An’ me, like a gomb I did - I swear it repeated on me for about a fortnight as if the oul worm was still in me mouth - never again, never again. If I’d got that Mexican I’d have given him some boot in the hole.

I’ll tell ye somethin’ tho’ if Derry win the League or Ulster or Sam - although there’s no chance of that - they should book a team holiday for Mexico. McCloskey would have some job tryin’ to keep tabs on what Bradley and them boyos ate over there, they even have eels in Mexico to ate to keep them boys from the Loughshore happy and that’s not easy!

Anyway, we made it home from Kerry alright. The only thing I’d say about Derry, well two things. Number one they were lucky to go down to fourteen men and I thought meself they couldn’t keep the ball after the centre forward was took off. They’ll do something this year, long as they have the appetite for it - but then John McCloskey will see to that. . .

This week in Talking Balls as usual we consider the ins and outs of things. We’ve cancelled our trip to Sigerson even though the Garda won’t be there to check up on later night shenanigans or indeed engage in any themselves.

All the craic will be over in Kerry as the bould Paudi Se has another of his legendary weekends complete with Fianna Fail TDs, cure hoors, professional Kerrymen and the like. The f**kin animals will be there alright Paudi won’t they.

The managers are back in media mode this week following the latest round of NFL matches and what a colourful bunch they are. The natives are restless in Munster and Leinster over tv coverage - you can never please some folks. Too much, too little. Bring back the wireless we say.

On the subject, looks like RTE has finally wised up and will be broadcasting on a wavelength that most people can understand. Talking Balls should do that too chipped in the Office WAG - just back from rehab for physical addictions.

Paraic Duffy tries to explain what’s going to happen at Congress later this month. We are confused. And we consider the contribution of our founding father Michael Cusack.

If you haven’t paid your club membership, it’s overdue. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.

Comortas Debauchery

This weekend the Paudi O Se football tournament-come-drinking session kicks off in West Kerry. The glittering event was launched during the week there in the Shelbourne Hotel in Dublin. It is believed to be the first time in years a pile of Kerrymen ventured to Dublin other than to go to an All Ireland Final.

Special guest was An Taoiseach, Bertrude Ahern along with a bevy of household names from the Kingdom - the O Se triplicates and beanpole dual star Kieran Donaghy. Sponsored by the Ulster Bank - the only Northern link as the invitation tournament features no invited Ulster teams - the event is a celebration of gaelic games, Irish life and tradition, or maybe craic, ceoil agus marcaigh. The lucky teams this year are Kilnamartra (Cork), Swinford (Mayo), Ballylanders (Limerick), St. Mark’s Tallaght (Dublin), Killrossanty (Waterford), Listowel Emmets (Kerry), An Gaeltacht (Kerry) and An Daingean (Kerry).

The final takes place on Sunday in front of around a thousand hung-over souls. It will be preceded by the women of Kerry and Galway making an exhibition of themselves. It will then be followed by everyone making an exhibition of themselves as the revelry and drunkenness continues into the wee small hours. Their likes will not be seen again - well, not til’ next year anyway!!

Garda Break Up Sigerson Weekend

The blue riband weekend for higher education football has been well and truly ballsed up by non other than the boys in blue, An Garda Siochana. Their offence - that well known Sigerson stunt of playing the ‘eligible/ineligible’ player.

Having already fallen out with putative Sigerson hosts Carlow over player eligibility - it is believed Carlow IT did not pursue their objection as they did not wish to undermine the setpiece weekend - the Garda found Cork IT in a less accommodating mood following their victory on Tuesday.

The Rebel College have stated that they believe they have to appeal the result to maintain the credibility of the Sigerson. Talking Balls was surprised - we thought if you walked past a college these days that you were eligible for the Sigerson. It lost credibility years ago when a variety of colleges north and south drew in hired guns to shoot their way to glory.

The CIT assertion is that Garda players Graham Dillon (Westmeath), Michael Cussen (Cork) and Aidan O’Mahony (Kerry) are ineligible. Cork IT’s Games Promotions Officer, Keith Ricken explained:

“As far as we are concerned, there are three breaches of the rules by three certain players and we feel that these have to be answered. Our first responsibility is to our own players. We must be seen to do what is right and best for them. Secondly, we are very conscious of the good name of the association and Comhairle Ard Oideachais and thirdly, we had to be very conscious of the implications of what we are doing, will have on Carlow IT, who are hosting the competition. Our full committee met on Wednesday and for three hours we discussed the matter before deciding to lodge an objection against Garda College.

“It’s our belief that the integrity of the Sigerson Cup has been brought into question. We feel that what we are doing is the right and honourable thing to do. We may lose out but that is the risk we are prepared to take.”

The Sigerson Cup is of such prestige that over the years fellas like Padraic Joyce and Michael Donnellan have gone to Tralee along with Donegal’s Jim McGuinness and Laois’s Colm Parkinson to get a shot at Sigerson glory. McGuinness then pitched up at the Poly in the North winning another Sigerson there.

All for their interest in academic study and their love of the game you understand.

Managerspeak - or Just Talking Balls?

Tis great the leagues are back in full swing. As you know us Talking Balls fellas love nothing more than to hear a manager pump out the shite. So then, this week, who said what?

Kieran McGeeney, who could have been promoting Viagra at the time solemnly pronounced:

“As a player, I never felt much difference whether it was home or away. It’s all about performance.” Kieran McGeeney

Next up, Talking Balls was confused. Was Ger Cavlan at the Armagh game? Is he part of the Armagh or Monaghan backroom team?

“You’re home with the evening tea in you before you know you’ve beaten Armagh. It was a very tight game all the way through. We knew it would come down to a dogfight - the question was ‘were we going to come out on the right side of that dogfight? We knew this was a big match psychologically. We were at a crossroads with Armagh. I felt Monaghan were mentally very strong.”

No it was Seamus ‘Empty the Tank’ McEneaney, that most cunning linguist in the GAA, mixing his metaphors, as usual.

Cork then, back in the fray, unbeaten under former manager Teddy Holland. Could Conor Counihan win first day out and how was he getting on with da Rebels? Well, go figure:

“Even in the short time I have been involved, I have seen a lot of spirit and pride.”

Graham Canty concurred: “We were a bit rusty and we have a lot of work on but it was great to be back playing. That’s what we always wanted to do.”

Mickey Harte reflecting on the four short years since the passing of Cormac McAnallen:

“It was a special day for this team. We asked them to give a wholehearted performance that would be a good way to remember Cormac. And I have no doubt they did that,”

DerryJunior Camogs in Phantom Goal Scoring Mystery

According to various reports the Derry Junior camogs either did or didn’t score two goals on Saturday in their opening League match. Talking Balls can clarify the mystery - none of the players recall two goals being scored. For some reason some of the media seem to be unable to get the scores in camogie matches right - especially those where someone gets tanked.

This season the Derry camogie authorities have taken the decision - rightly or wrongly (Talking Balls thinks badly wrongly) - to enter a team at intermediate and junior level. The reasoning apparently is to give the junior players exposure to competitive inter county matches whilst the intermediate team - last season’s Junior All Ireland champions - fight their own corner in Division II. Now it’s not as if the All Ireland champions freewheeled through the season - they won their title with a last gasp goal deep in injury time.

The issue however here is that Derry only selected minor players for their junior team. This looked like a train wreck waiting to happen. A few weeks back we reported another team that was badly beaten - and the discrepancy in the score noted in various media outlets. So just for the record, one of the Talking Balls team was chatting to a Derry Junior player at the weekend and was told the actual score. This result was reported in the Irish News on Monday.

The issue for these players is in being wrongly graded, suffering bad beatings and potentially walking away from a county team. Someone, somewhere got this decision badly wrong. The people suffering here are the young players and no amount of glossing over the actual scores will change that. Time will tell if it can improve. Derry juniors head off to play Down in their next match, a side their current Intermediate team only defeated by a point in the Ulster Final last year.

Provincial Councils - Moaning Again

One of the successes of last summer was the high profile coverage given to big games. RTE covered themselves in glory by showing three games live on a single Sunday afternoon showcasing games to hundreds of thousands of fans.

But who’s not happy? Well the Munster and Leinster Provincial Councils. Leinster Council chief executive Michael Delaney has called for a restriction on the number of live games screened on Sunday afternoons, while his Munster counterpart Simon Mooney wants more money from the TV deals to be paid to provincial councils.

“I have always believed that we should use maximum TV exposure to promote our games but it’s got to be done in a controlled manner. When you have two games shown live on a Sunday, it takes over the whole day so it’s very difficult to get people out to watch club games later on.

“Two live games, followed by the ‘Sunday Game’ is overkill. I’d restrict it to one live game but to compensate for that, a game could be played on a Friday, or some other evening. Even at this time of year, it’s risky showing two National League or club championship games on Sundays. It’s mighty tempting to sit at home and watch them on TG4, rather than venturing out,” said Delaney.

Our message to the obviously sedentary-inclined Michael is get off yer hole, get out there and stops winging. How many youngsters spring from the sofa hurls or balls in hands to while away the next thirteen hours playing balls after watching the county men at it on the silver plasma screen.

He continued: “We already have live coverage of games on most Saturdays which are fine but two on Sundays is too much. It would be far better all round to show one game on a Sunday while adding one on a Friday night. I’m sure some games could be played on a Friday night by agreement. It could work well as it would broaden the spread of games across the weekend. As things stand, the club scene is being seriously damaged by too much TV coverage on Sundays.”

Meanwhile down in Munster Simon Mooney is looking more buck for his bang.

“TV fees only contributed 5.81pc of our gross income. The actual income in 2007 has not increased at all, despite the fact that more of our fixtures were broadcast live — or had deferred showings — than in 2006. It’s clear that the level of TV coverage provided by RTE is impacting on our attendances.”

In Munster football attendances were down 46% between 2004 and 2007 while hurling averages were down13% on 2006. Despite this gate receipts rose by €1.12m to €5.36m in 2007, thanks to the two Limerick-Tipperary replay series.

Canning Doesn’t Miss When he Lets fly - Oh No

Ollie Canning that is, older brother of wunder-sideline-striker-and-all-round-scoring-phenomenon Joe. In the week that Joe Canning managed to hit 1-16 in a Fitzgibbon Cup final and still finish on the losing side (including four sideline balls, 1-8 from frees and a solitary 65), sibling Ollie has pulled low and hard on the regulations preventing Portumna getting a run out in Croker.

Nickey Brennan has defended the pampered ones of soccer and rugby who get to train on the delicate surface at headquarters, saying that these were ‘only a run-out’.

Ollie’s not happy - thinks he to himself this is another fine mess: “Just what does Nickey think the players of Portumna, Birr, St Vincents and Nemo Rangers want to do in advance of their big day? What scars are we likely to leave on the headquarters pitch? Is he worried Dinny Cahill will have our lads doing laps of the hallowed turf? But of course a hurling man like Nickey knows well what we’d like to do.

“A walk on the pitch is all very well, but to really get to know the surface, you need a little bit of a run around, get an idea what kind of studs to wear on the day, things like that. A quick run-out, just like the paying guests.”

And the Portumna skipper also wondered why the Croke Park surface could not take a few extra training sessions, given the level of investment.

“With all the money that’s been spent on Croke Park and all the talk we’ve heard about the new, improved playing surface, it does seem incredible that it couldn’t handle four short sessions for the finalists. The situation does make me wonder a little bit about the GAA’s priorities.”

“There’s a lot of lip service to the grassroots, but is this another case of the club player getting the rough end of the stick? All the players in Croke Park on Patrick’s Day will be striving to represent their locality to the best of their ability. Surely their own organisation should be able to afford them the same privileges offered to Robbie Keane or Paul O’Connell.”

As a man who knows all about the rough end of the stick playing for Portumna, Ollie certainly hits the target. Maybe they’re worried young Joe might overhit a sideline during training and bust the glass in a corporate box, or something like that.

Paraic Duffy Plays Charades

Three words, first and last words rhyme with hay. Second word, sounds like door. What can he be talking about?

As former Bellaghy stalwart Seamus Heaney said, whatever you say, say nothing. So, sez Padraic: “Once the document is made available people will know exactly what they are being asked to support”, said Paraic. Hope it’s easier to understand than he is. So, lest there be any confusion. . .

“It’s the same core document as it was in December and we expect Central Council will approve the final version of the same document if they approved it the first time. There are no significant changes. And if Central Council supported it in the first place you would hope that Congress would feel the same way about it. Any agreement has to be in compliance with rule 11 and obviously the final document will very clearly show that it is in compliance with rule 11.”

“Congress will want to know that it’s in keeping with rule 11. If Congress says no and we don’t accept this scheme then there is clearly a problem. There would be a lot of unhappy players — that’s stating the obvious — but it’s not for me to say what would happen from there on.”

Talking Balls loves charades. One more game then, ach ye will.

Three words: first word rhymes with toad; last word sounds like halls. Middle word, two letters sounds like cough. Got it?

Party Likes it’s 1884

Cusack reached into the heart of his voluminous beard. Sometimes as he slept a small lark nestled there - singing songs of freedom, it’s all he ever heard. He rustled through the inner depths and drew out a jorum of John Jameson’s finest. The wheels of thought needed lubrication and Jameson was a fine mechanic.

He knew from experience that the whiskey was better added to a cup of tay than vice versa so an infusion fresh from Barry’s in Cork he prepared - not too stewed, for good taste was important to him. In the inside pocket of his fustian jacket he carried a small pocket watch that he used to keep the time at sporting events and other pastimes. Once it had stopped and the protagonists kicked the ball and each other until the ball assumed a square shape and the players collapsed, victorious in their finest hour, but seeking gallons of porter to rehydrate and slake the thirst. The watch told him he was early and in what had become quite a habit he wound it. Time and again it reminded him about the Squareball and he smiled.

Sluicing down a mouthful of uisce beatha infused tay, he bent down and tied the laces on his large brogans. When he marched along - Cusack didn’t walk - his stride, like everything he did was purposeful and direct, he kicked up a storm of sparks on the gravel road. When he took to the sidewalks, as he heard they were called from letter from a cousin in Amerikay, he flared like a smithy’s tool. He only removed the brogans to kick football or hurl - then he stuck on a well soaked pair of deerskin boots that he had bartered with a buffoon of an English gentryman he poached from, three salmon the rate. The boots were snug round the ankle but could withstand a good belt of the ash and sure they supported the joint on some of the more rugged pitches. He supported himself with a hefty blackthorn stick - useful for leaning on when debating the issues of the day or leaning over the hedge to watch a match. Equally it served a purpose in skelping any hoor that dared annoy him as he perambulated around town on his business.

When he arrived at the hotel, he sat down. Cusack carefully unfolded the page from the newspaper, settled back picking at his teeth and read:

On 15 July there about 3 O Clock of the afternoon, there will be a hurling match over on the commonage, between thirty men from each side of the Suir for 40 shillings. Two barrels of plain porter, tobacco, pipes and meats will be given to the hurlers.

“The cultural decline in the country is a cause for alarm. We must regulate these games and use them to build in every parish, village and town. The strength and energy of a race are largely dependant on the national pastimes for the development of a spirit of courage and endurance,” thus he scribbled on a note to his fellow traveller and likewise hirsute figure Davin. He settled back then to snooze a while at John Jameson’s pleasure while he waited. His mind flickered back to the time a few years ago when he taught in St Colman’s in Newry in the black oul North. A dreary enough place Newry, but they were right about one thing, Newry women were fierce good lookin’. He leant back, beard settled down his frontage. The lark arrived, sang briefly and burrowed into its nest. . . Cusack fell asleep thinking great thoughts of things to come.

Visualise This. . .

Resident Expert Ger Manas takes a look at the expertise out there and reckons every manager should have a jar of salt in the medical kit. Maybe give themselves a pinch from time to time.

I was readin’ there durin’ the week an article about you Enda McNulty, Armagh player and practising sports psychologist. Enda’s a great fella altogether, apart from the time he got sent off again’ Fermanagh in Croke Park I don’t think he ever done too much wrong. He a good example to footballers and youngsters everywhere - he was in charge of coaching down in Ballyboden St Enda’s in Dublin. I ran into him a few times now, and he was doing a great job even though he had to work with a load of wee skitters of baby Dubs. They can be hard enough on the ears now with all their ‘Mista this and Mista that.’ There was talk of him going to help out with English football teams and what not - that Aston Villa crowd were talked about at one stage.

I would say that man Martin O’Neill knows a fair bit hisself and he would know quality too when he sees it. O’Neill is a cute hoor too - he was a great gaelic footballer winning an Ulster Championship medal in 1969 with Derry and a McRory Cup in 1970 with St Malachy’s - typical of O’Neill he was playin’ soccer at the time and there was all sorts of shenanigans that meant a final had to be played in a private Christian Brothers’ School ground.

McNulty anyway is one of those Armagh fellas and I suppose some of the Tyrone ones that fell under the wing of Dessie Ryan from up round Ballinderry when they was at Queen’s. Ryan is credited by many of these lads of giving them crystal clear vision of how things should be done on the football field. He himself was a fireman in the States for years and I suppose everythin’ he does is marked with the insight that fella would have from hauling people out of a burning buildings. McNulty was makin’ a great point about information overload for players. He reckoned too many messages and they short circuit and remember f**k all. A lot of the lads these days are playin’ with them white bands on their wrists, apparently mainly to give support but a lot of the lads now write messages on them to remind themselves to do certain things - bit like the wife’s shoppin’ list or the reams of shite she leaves me on the kitchen table when I’ve been out maybe four or five nights a week. Big Enda reckoned he was putting on too much on his wrists for himsel’ and going over the top. I remember takin’ our team a couple of years back when a few of the lads started taping up their wrists before games. When I asked them they said it looked good - they had no idea what they was at. I got the marker we use to mark balls and wrote ‘wanker’ on one fella’s wrist. He was a useless hoor, had a volley of excuses for missing training - including one time the reason that he had to go to a girl’s birthday party. ‘She must be some steeplechaser that one if you’re missing training I toul him.’

Me point here is that lads and girls and I suppose coaches too can be stupid in pullin’ in their sources willy nilly. A little knowledge can go a long way and if ye take things out of context ye can do more harm than good. All these senior teams ye read about - they have armies of hoors doin’ all sorts of jobs, all the best the managers can get apparently. Then you have people like the Irish rugby squad that have yer man O’Sullivan who is butler, baker, candlestick maker, general factotum and f**kerupper from what I can see. Then ye get some bollix into a club - he’s pullin in all sorts of shite - probably read that article in the Independent same as me - next thing anything McNulty sez will be appearin’ in the dressin room. There is one book out at the minute that’s interestin’ - the son got me - and that’s John Kremer and Aidy Moran’ Practical Sports Psychology. Only problem lads - ye f**kin hardly mentioned the GAA. Obviously they’s targeting a different audience but we want to know which of the Armagh players sprinkles cat’s pee on his boots before the game; which freetaker visualises kicking his balls down some big blond yoke’s cleavage when he’s hitting a free and the psychological impact of talking about someone’s ma on the pitch. Ye’ know the sorts of stuff!!

Speaking of visualising, last night I heard the best bit of news I heard in years - the return of Brian McGuigan. Young Brian’s the sort of player people from other counties travel the length and breadth of the country to watch. A class act. Although it’s a big ask but I hope he comes back and wins the All Star that Peter got instead of him in 2005. It’s fitting that in the week we remember young Cormac McAnallen and all he stood for, that one of his main men re-enters the stage. Maybe there was a nod and a wick from the selectors upstairs saying now’s the time. Whatever, the football world has been a poorer place without him and let’s hope it works out. If ye are in any doubt about what I’m talking about, buy the video of Tyrone v Kerry in 2005 and watch. And learn.