Talking Balls Issue 42 - Well Informed Ignorance
Talking BallsThis week in Talking Balls, plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. In Cork the strike continues, and continues. Without a resolution in sight it’s hard to see where this will end. For some reason Teddy Holland will not resign - although that’s obviously what Cork needs to move on but it’s not likely.
We reflect on the corporate giants likely to sponsor the championships and consider will the camogie association plough a different furrow? Some of the big swinging dicks gave some thought to widening the appeal of the Liam McCarthy but just as Antrim start to become an acquired taste they revert to type and lose to Dublin on Sunday.
We reflect on the lessons in Islam for the GAA - are there prospects for collaboration now an Arab airline may be sponsoring our national games. Open Croker to Other Sports - Camel Racing anyone or something more sinister or maybe that’s a misprint and it’s really an Aran Airline, not an Arab Airline. I suppose both are similar in offering the public flights to holiday destinations where you can still see artificial examples of an older better civilization.
Ger looks at the mismatch on the back of a serious tanking in camogie last week. Rumours abound that he may be brought on board as the national director of coaching for the camogie association. Stranger things have happened.
If you think you’ve something to complain about, chances are you are from Cork. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.
Know Ye They Shall - by the Company Ye Keep. Verily.
According to the Sunday Indo the Champions League style sponsorship arrangements or the hurling and football championships are nearing completion.
This will likely mean Guinness, Ulster Bank and Etihad Airlines will be the named partners on the hurling championship and the football will be backed by Vodafone, Toyota and Coca Cola. Favourites Boylesports were ruled out after the Powers that Be expressed concern that a gambling firm may be associated with its games. Of the companies mentioned they are believed to be the sorts of blue chip outfits the GAA likes to see itself aligned with. The ideal punter then: pulling into Dublin airport in his Toyota SUV. After a quick sip of his Coke Zero, he dashes into the departure lounge for his Etihad airlines flight to Dubai, paid for with his Ulster Bank platinum credit card, checks in and settles down to enjoy a pint of Arthur Guinness’s finest, whilst reading Talking Balls on his Vodafone PDA and taking care not to despoil his gleaming Squareball Hendrix was a Hurler Tee-shirt. Yep, Gaelic Athletic Association circa 2008.
Following low level discussions Talking Balls can exclusively reveal that the Camogie championships are close to a similar three pronged deal. Front runners are believed to be Mrs Edna Murphy’s Starch, Knicker and Corset Emporium, Ringiskiddy; Mrs Cullens Powders - the well known pain killing brand, Duffy’s Wool Shop, Enniscrone and Granny Hartington’s Olde Tarte Shoppe, in Muff. Apparently the Camog Powers that Be were hoping for a sponsor that reflected their core values, with some of the younger ladies hoping for a bit more up-front lustre like Agent Provocateur or ladies’ leisure brand Coco-de-Mer. However the aforementioned brands may be a better fit for camogie’s old fashioned image. That or someone from Croke Park is leaking us a big pork pie with beans on it.
Figures in the region of €5 million per sponsor per year have been mentioned for the GAA sponsors - a fair amount of cash to be floating about - and just how the Gaelic and Athletic will deal with the branding issues and so on will be of interest. Needless to say the GPA will be watching the whole image rights issue with interest. Ask not what you can do for your county but how much you can get from the sponsor.
Sharia Law for the DRA
Following the controversial calls by Church of England Bishop Rowan Williams for the introduction of Sharia law in our neighbouring close friend Britain, sources in the GAA are considering the applicability of the Muslim code to our national games.
Lawyers close to the Ard Stuirtheoir have been instructed to consider whether a player trying to get off on a technicality rather than taking his oil like a man might be better suited to a couple of hundred welts round the hole with a hurley - same as he would get in downtown Jeddah if there was any of his oul cheek.
One fella in Indonesia sentenced to forty lashes for drinking beer in public keeled over after seven and was toul he would get the remainder when he recovered. Now that would soon get the Dubs out of the bars and into Croker on time we reckon.
As for any county man breaking the drinks ban, a public beheading or two in Croke Park before every championship would seem an appropriate punishment. Any player caught doing a bit of extra curricular riding could have a few lashes as well, and as for yer wan he was doing it with well, she could get a schlep too, especially if she was another player’s bit of stuff. Under the Islamic code, thieves, adulterers and all sorts regularly get a good tanning in public - much like the Kilkenny football team - whilst gambling is equally frowned upon as it lays the seed of hatred between human beings. As an example just consider how much Oisin McConville says he hates Tyrone in his book ‘The Gambler.’
Scantily clad women would be a total no-no with again a big sally rod on hand to tan the well formed backside of any cailin deas daring to show off her farmer’s daughter’s tan in public.
So then, a GAA with no drink, no gamblin’, no cheatin’, no good looking women flashin’ their assets, no DRA. Do them Etihad Airline Airways fellas know what they’re getting themselves into?
Not as far fetched as you might think - GAA and Islam - two right wing outfits, with their fair share of prophets and messiahs; religious fervour, pilgrimages; fanatics willing to die for the shirt; endless media coverage. . . Jaze we feel a tee-shirt coming on.
Now lads don’t be going and giving us one of them fatwas ye gave that hoor Salmon Rushty.
Give the Ash a Lash
It’s not quite turkeys voting for Christmas but three of the country’s leading hurling men have called for efforts to boost the game in borderline counties with the objective of getting sixteen teams into the McCarthy Cup.
Waterford Justin McCarthy has pinpointed the need for better and more coaches as a key milestone along the way. “We have to aim for something, but there are more coaches needed than managers. I think there are a lot of men managing teams without the necessary coaching ability.” Who’s he thinking off there we wonder?
Justin took Dunloy for a two day coaching session in Mallow last week and he’s no turkey - he was mightily impressed with what he saw from the Antrim and Ulster Champions - others couldn’t believe what they were seeing from an Antrim team. Sez Justin:
“We have to develop this. There are teams in Laois, Carlow, Westmeath, we have to look at how to help.
Talking Balls thought he may be better waiting til’ Waterford won the All Ireland before he started looking for new opposition but we see his point.
Brian Cody was similarly enthusiastic and not at all put out that Antrim defeated his charges in the Walsh Cup:
“People might say it’s only the Walsh Cup, but we played Antrim recently. They had a lot of U21 players - five of them forwards - and they were excellent. I think the potential that’s there in Antrim is huge, their standard of play is terrific, their touch, their striking, their skill levels, the spirit in which they play the game. The likes of Sambo McNaughton and Dominick McKinley are crying out for every help available to prosper.”
Meanwhile Limerick’s Richie Bennis said:
“It’s very important to keep hurling strong where it is strong - which I would also apply to club level. We’re trying to promote hurling in Limerick and trying to get hurling into places where there was never hurling and where it’s dying in parishes where it was always strong. I’d love to aspire to a 16 team League. It’s not possible at present, but the progress made by Dublin is a lesson for other counties.”
Brian McGilligan in Derry for his part would love to have 16 players. Manager of the Derry team that defeated Antrim in the Ulster U-21 Final Last season - an Antrim side that included many of the palyers now being praised for their senior exploits - Brian has been tilting at windmills recently with his calls for hurling to be given a fair crack of the whip in the Oak Leaf County. Maybe given Brian’s comments that should read crap of the whip, cos the way it stands hurling’s only going down one way.
Making a right Mayonnaise of Appointing a new Manager
Not quite as inept as the blunder boys in the Football Association of Ireland but Mayo are leading the way in showing how not to start a team’s preparations on the right foot. However as with the soccer boys the Powers That Be remain insouciant about the prospects of getting a new manager soon.
Currently being trained by Liam McHale in preparation for the start of the Suzuki League the Ladies county board, Caroline Brogan explained:
“The current situation is that the county board are taking over the team, we have an interview panel set up and they are seeking a manager.”
Yep, being taken over by the county board. Imagine how that one would go down in Corcaigh? Like the Office WAGs drawers at the prospect of a night with Dan Shanahan we would suspect. But, over thunder in Mayo, things are much more civilized and by the book. How many times have you heard of a job interview set up for the person already in the job - the actual interview itself a mere formality. Not with the westerners. Ms Brogan elucidated on the suggestions that Frank Browne, who managed the team which won the league title last year and lost to holders Cork in the All-Ireland final, had been interviewed for the position but was not reappointed.
She cryptically explained: “Frank was in for it and we did interview him. But the interview panel found that he wasn’t a suitable candidate for the management of 2008. I’m only one of the interviewing panel. Everyone had their own opinion, it was just felt it wasn’t the right thing for Frank to go back in.”
El Tel remains the current favourite. . .
Sambo Says Something
Antrim legend Sambo McNaughton has come out and made his view known on the Cork crisis, but as usual nobody is paying any attention to him because he’s from Antrim.
One Cork man who declined to be named said: “Listen, what does yer man Sambo know, sure he’s from Antrim and they can’t even play hurling. Lookit, what’s it got to do with him anyway.”
McNaughten believes that were an Ulsterman in charge of the GAA these days, instead of yer wan Nickey Brennan, the Cork strike issue would never have got off the ground let alone be flying round the place like a model plane with the button jammed on attack. Sambo also drove his big Cushendal boot into the GPA and thinks they are agitating behind the scenes to keep Hollandgate going another while.
Sambo says: “Reading between the lines, there is clearly another agenda here. If either Peter Quinn or Sean McCague had been President of our Association when the GPA was on the move, it would never have got as far as it has and neither would the Cork problem.”
He wasn’t long revealing his real agenda:
“Cork are due to come to Antrim on March 16 and it would be an absolute tragedy for us if they didn’t. Every youngster up here eagerly looks forward to counties like Cork, Kilkenny and Tipperary coming to up to play hurling. They marvel at the skills those players have and are always eager to pick up any titbits from them. I’ve a wee lad here who can’t wait for Cork to come and it would break his heart if they don’t. I would appeal to them and their county board to think of the broader picture. I know that isn’t easy in the present climate, but should Cork not play in the league, there is every chance they won’t take part in the championship either. That would be an absolute disaster for our Association.
Well Sambo may be right but surely he must also realize that if the Rebels don’t field in the league it reduces the chances of Antrim being relegated by 50%. Furthermore, if by any chance the Corkmen do manage to get themselves sorted out but miss the league, chances are they’ll be dumped out of the championship at the first round. Who might they play? Antrim. What better chance will the saffrons have of making progress in an All Ireland.
We can hear it now, the after match interviews…
“Beating any Cork team is a good day for Antrim hurling. It shows how far we’ve come since we levered Jim McKernan out the door and into the Down job via the Antrim camogie position. We don’t think it matters that they haven’t played or trained for six months and only got together again last Thursday” (. . . as a distinctly wobbly-and-untoned-but-wellknown-and-usually-body-sculpted-Adonis with parents from the south Pacific and the Dirty Nort lumbers past chewing a big Mac if-you-can-imagine-what-we’re-getting-at??). “Lookit,” sayeth the former toned one, “If Frank Murphy and Teddy Holland had just gone away as I asked them to we wouldn’t be in this position although I would still be eating boiled chicken instead of this delicious Big Mac. Want some - boy?”
Back to Sambo then. Although he wants Cork to sort it he himself wouldn’t be for having selectors foisted upon him by the likes of that darling of the media Dr McSparran: “I can see the players’ point of view and I would not be manager of Antrim if I could not pick my own selectors.”
Obviously a man who doesn’t read too many papers or get out much as Sambo also tells us:
“I learnt from a very good friend of mine in Cork that the whole county is saddened by the turn of events.”
Is that so now? He went one, getting ad nauseum this but whatever. . .
“There will be no winners in this situation. Cork’s absence from the league and championship devalues both competitions and no-one wants that. Cork should be out on the hurling field. Their players should pocket their pride now and get on with their hurling. The problem can be revisited next September and sort it out once and for all. I’ll give you a statistic that will shock you. Up here we cannot get a pitch to train on at this time of the year. Over in Ballymena the local rugby club once had six teams, they now have only two because of professional rugby. That’s where the Antrim county team now trains because of the availability of pitches.”
Sure isn’t that great - means you can train away under lights and at the same time annoy the shite out of some of the non-Gaelic and Athletic fraternity. Tell you one thing - training in Ballymena? Betya they’re being well charged for that one. Tight hoors up there ye know.
Cork Still in the Bottle
The Cork strike is still going on and no, the pigs still aren’t flying.
Teddy Holland still hasn’t stood down. . . Frank Murphy still hasn’t resigned . . . The Football and Hurling Panels still haven’t split. . . Cork County Board is still feeding the media their side of the story. . . the players still telling us their’s . . . Donal Óg and the boys are still fanatical . . . and it all still is enough to make amateur fanatics like Osama Bin Laden ashamed.
Still, there’s more important things in life - unless you’re from Cork that is.
Je Sais Quoi?
Ger Loughnane’s Galway maybe looking a better more promising than they did last time round in the league, but the Clare Guru is looking for a little je sais quoi.
Ollie Canning that is.
According to Loughnane, Ollie Canning is the sort of cute hoor of a defender that Galway need to take them on to the next level especially after the conceded 3-17 on Sunday to a Clare team that didn’t just look that deadly at all.
Sez Ger: “People are saying that when the Portumna lads come back - Ollie and Joe (Canning), Damien Hayes, Eoin Lynch, all of those - but I think Ollie Canning could still do a massive job for Galway. That’s the type of player we need, that cuteness. If we could add someone like that to the mix we have, the quality we have, we could challenge most teams.”
Hurler Regains His Sight, Offering Hope to Referees everywhere
News has emerged that former Cork club hurler Jimmy Aherne has regained his sight thanks to a diet supplement developed by WIT.
Mr Aherne was diagnosed with age-related mascular degeneration (AMD) in his eyes has seen the disease halted after treatment using a ‘miracle’ diet supplement.
It is not known whether the supplement will be made available to all those b***ards of referees and linesmen the length and breadth of the country that can see nothing week in, week out.
Cannon Fodder Leaves a Bad Taste
Resident Expert Ger Manas questions the wisdom of the coach that knows no better and treats the weaker opponent as cannon fodder. Too often in his experience in all walks of life, it leaves a bad taste.
It’s not often I call into the Talkin’ Balls office but this week I had reason to be in there with some of them gobshites. With their big plasma screen TVs and faggotchinos or whatever it is ye call that shite them posey boys drink - they make me f***in laugh and cry too. While I was there some woman from the camogs Croke Park was on given out to one of the boys about some thing or other they had written. He was sittin there white as a duck’s egg writin’ some shite she said down on a bit of paper. When he came off the phone he was like Caspar the ghost so I asked him what was the matter and he tould me that she was after giving out about the Louth Camogs getting badly bate and the way it was reported. I was bout to tell the lad to tell her to gway te yon place but it got me thinkin’ about matches and the hammerins ye get from time to time. Many’s the day in the pissin’ wet freezing cold standin in the arse of beyond I have asked mesel whether it is worth it this coachin and nonsense while some obnoxious shower of pricks launch in their latest goal te take it to double figures.
A big gripwater of mine now would be games that aren’t matched up. Yep, on any given Sunday ye can have a mis-match - fellas or girls can be on holidays, sick injured and miss a match to leave ye short - whatever - but usually it evens out over a year. I’m talking bout those times when ye get yer arse bate so hard by some team that it’s nearly as if they didn’t like ye. Well, sure as pussy’s a cat I don’t like them hoors when it’s over tho’ I never return the compliment - ceptin the one time but I’ll lave that for again.
What is it about some people that they have to win win win no matter what -especially with youngsters. The grandson went off there to kick football on Saturday and he spent the day crying because although he scored a pile of goals and a few points and him only five and a half - he takes after me in the scoring stakes let me tell ye - some big hoor from one of the other teams busted him in the nose by pushin’ his face right down into the ground. That and a young lashoon of a ref that wouldn’t have known his f***kin whistle from an oboe he was blowin’ that hard. The nephew was tellin’ me our young lads were goin’ rightly but the other team were bigger, stronger and just kept bootin the ball into the goal. For some reason too they was playin with a proper O’Neill size four. In the name of f***! Did ye ever hear the like of it - course our goalie too he gets splattered in the nose with the ball - irritating we bollix he is too - I blame the parents - but he didn’t deserve that, no sireee.
A few years back we had a young group of wee hurlers that trundled their way round the place, they won an odd game here and there but mostly got well tanked and bate out the gate by other teams for their sins. But they loved it - the craic was great - I was takin’ them as I was takin’ a bot of a break that year from some of the other teams. We were due to play the top team in the county - they had won the league and championship, the Feile and the provincial Feile - you name it, they’d her won. These boys had lifted every medal in the county. But they had no match left to present these medals ceptin their league game with us - I’d had it called off for an oul shower of rain on our pitch. Any excuse - normally I’ll play any team any time any place anywhere - just like Martini - but I knew our wee fellas would get killed, we’d just won our section in the provincial Feile and I thought it would melt whatever bit of confidence they had so I conceded the game rather than get me hole kicked.
Anyway the manager phones me up at the end of the season and asks would we play our outstanding game as the opener to the Intermediate Championship Final - it would mean the last game was played and then, out he comes with it. ‘It’ll also give us a chance to present our lads with their medals. . .” So there ye have it, our lads spend the afternoon camped in their twenty one, conceding goal after point after goal, meanwhile these f***in patricians from down the county stroll about, pass her about, smoke their cigars and lash another one into the onion bag. ‘Away te f***,” sez I to your man, “I’m not servin’ our f***in lads up to your boys as cannon fodder just so ye can lift a few medals afterwards. “Don’t be like that Ger,” sez he “Ye know the craic yerself,” sez he. When I let a few more f***s out of me that was the end of that but I couldn’t believe that c***.
Anyway, so as far as the Camogie lady was concerned, I was glad she shook a few of them boys up, and them lyin’ on their well paid holes, sittin about watchin’ reruns of matches, eatin’ doughnuts and the like. They even have a personal trainer them bollixes - couldn’t believe it. She’ll have the work cut out for her there - it’s a f***in earth movin machine she’s need to get them fellas off that sofa.
Competitiveness is all well and good - and I’m the worst hoor for it mesel, but it has a time and a place and that’s not when one team is hammering the bejasus out of another and starts to look embarrassed. My advice if yer in that situation - at half time, always tell yer men to hit points or hit a few wides and take yer best players off or put them out of the road. The good players will know fish shot in a barrel taste like shite. Anyone else that doesn’t realize that is guilty of shockin’ gobshitery and needs a quare’n good boot in their hole. I’d be the man to do it too if given the chance.
Fair play to the Louth camogs tho’ - I’m sure the same girls will be grand and back at it. Might even give them a shout to go down to take a session or two - but then that might f***in wreck the ship altogether.