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This week in Talking Balls we say well done to all the teams in the All Ireland Club series. The finals will be a battle of the veterans although some are more veteran than others.

If Birr can beat Portumna and Joe Canning what a day it will be for Brian Whelahan - father the manager, son on the subs bench
and him still fighting the good fight out the field. The Portumna lads, backboned by the Cannings will be up for it big style.

Meanwhile St Vincents the Dublin blueblood flowing across them pristine white shirts will be looking to knock the Rangers of Nemo off their perch. Nemo will be looking to put a bit of respect back in Cork GAA circles. Sure where else would you get stuff like it - fairytales, dreams come true, heartbreak and destruction, family’s bonded together on the field. Jaze tis great stuff - we’ve a tear in the eye now even thinkin’s about it. Bad luck especially now to Dunloy - one of the great club teams. It’s a shame they’ve never been able to land just one title.

Still more shenanigans up in Derry, this time Ger’s been listening when someone’s been talking and he doesn’t like what he hears.

UCD win the Ashbourne for the second time in a row in Belfast. Well done lads.

If you want to get your club on telly, contact TG4 and brush down yer Gaeilge. For everyone else there’s always Talking Balls.

Take Your Points. . .

Having thrown the toys out of the cot, Dublin and Meath appear to have got the result that they wanted when the CC ruled Cork would forfeit the points for the matches affected by the players’ strike

CCC ruled that Cork should lose points for the hurling and football league matches thereby neatly sidestepping the issue of whether they would have to get into a potentially messy wrangle with Dublin and Meath. Both teams churlish response to the inconvenience caused by the Cork strike was to state they couldn’t play the game at any date proposed by the CCC - irrespective of when that might be. The record book will show that by their actions they deprived players of a competitive inter-county match and they can dress that up however they want. This is the sort of amateurish bullshit that gives the GAA a bad name. Imagine in any other sport a team going on strike in the first place. Then imagine if Chelsea said they wouldn’t play a re-fixed game because they hadn’t a free time in their schedule. Imagine the governing body agreeing to it.

With the advent of lights and modern travel lads - it’s not like you need to leave two days early to get from Cork up to Parnell Park or Navan - these games could easily have been played. We’ve all come across this sort of jackoonery at club level - U-14 team managers rack up a stack of points by cashing in on other teams unable to field, or the referee doesn’t turn up.

Seamus McEneaney, never a man behind the bar when a choice word or two is called for fair emptied the tank on this one:

“I’m very disappointed that counties like Meath and Dublin, who are held in such esteem, would take points in these circumstances. Could they not offer to re-fix the games with Cork at their convenience, maybe even in midweek? Meath were due to have home venue anyway and Dublin should get it too so why couldn’t they play those games in midweek rather than having a training session? Who wants points if you don’t play for them?”

Armagh manager Peter McDonnell said his team would have agreed a rematch if their game had been affected. “It’s not about picking up points as if in a lottery. What happened in Cork was unfortunate but we’re all GAA people so there should be a degree of flexibility now that they’re back in the fold. From an Armagh perspective, I would not want points for a game we didn’t play. How much better off would we be in real terms by finishing higher up the table through points we didn’t earn on the pitch?”

Talking Balls salutes Kilkenny’s Martini attitude to their game with Cork - any time any place anywhere. But then who better than Brian Cody knows the value of competitive matches - whether behind doors in Nowlan Park or not - and an early season victory over the oul enemy. Sadly he won’t get it. If you’re from Dublin or Meath, remember, Playing is only Part of It.

Prenty says Plenty

Connacht Council Secretary John Prenty has plenty to say for himself these days whether the subject is the Railway Cup or counties leasing hurlers to weaker counties - ‘fly-by-nights’ as he calls them.

Definitely not a fan of the Inter-pro series Prenty says:

“Is there a best time of the year to play? Does anybody care? We are told that the players are anxious to have the series retained but there is no great evidence to show that if they want it retained, they want to play in it,” Prenty said. 2008 will again see the debate as to when it should be played. We have seen the paltry crowd that attended the finals when even the lure of free tickets could not encourage people to attend. It is time we took a final decision on its health or demise!”

Moving on to the system whereby hurlers deemed surplus to requirements in their own county can play for another to ply their trade, Prenty said:

“These fly-by-nights are being entertained under the tenuous logic that they will promote the game at inter-county level. How can a player who is just passing through - who has no contact with a club within a county - be more valuable than a young player who has been nurtured by his club, who has an ambition to play for his county? This player has to look on as he sees one third of his county team populated by players with no allegiance to the county they play for.”

This is all fine and dandy except their are a number of high profile inter-county players that have little allegiance to the county
they play for - there loyalty is to No 1 - themselves.”

Taking the Mickey

Former Dublin free-taker Mossy Quinn has hailed the input of St Vincents manager, who of course masterminded their defeat of Club Championship specialists the Ranger of Crossmaglen.

Ahead of his side’s All-Ireland SFC club semi-final tie with Crossmaglen Rangers, St. Vincent’s (Dublin) captain Tomas Quinn paid tribute to Saints’ manager Mickey Whelan.

“He’s phenomenal. I don’t know what age he is. He’s probably about 109 at this stage. . . he’s absolutely incredible, his enthusiasm, everything he brings . . . . he’s non-stop and always on the go. He has a wonderful way of dealing with players, it’s unique. The young lads just respond to him. He’d get them to do anything for him. His preparation has been faultless. He has us peaking at the right times. Some days you think you might need to do a certain type of work but you trust Mickey.”

Earlier in the season, when St Vincent’s were making waves in Dublin the meeja recounted how Whelan arrived home one evening to find the house deserted - his wife and children had gone off somewhere for the evening without telling him. The reason became clear soon enough when the doorbell rang, door opened to reveal Whelan’s old friend Kevin Heffernan standing there. Heffo had come around to talk Mickey back into the St Vincent’s position and knew the job would be easier if there was no-one else about the house. Suffice it to say the trip was successful and after e tearful reunion with Heffo on the sideline after the Dublin Championship was won, Whelan now leads his charges into an All Ireland against the Rangers of Nemo. Who’s to say there won’t be more tears of joy on the sideline at Croker on St Patrick’s Day.

Laois Need Old Guards to Get out of Gaol

The Laois footballers have been hit with a series of high profile retirements in recent months - Fergal Byron, Joe Higgins, Gary Kavanagh, Tom Kelly, Chris Conway and Kevin Fitzpatrick have all jacked in the inter-county game. But the natives are restless. . .

Delegates at the Laois county board called on the executive to try and encourage the sextet to reconsider their decision. Speaking a few weeks back when the news broke manager Liam Kearns paid tribute saying:

“It is a serious blow to Laois. We have lost some experienced players like Chris Conway, Fergal Byron and Gary Kavanagh. We (Laois) were a side in transition but now we are a side in a serious transition.
“I want to make it clear that there was no falling out with the management. Tom (Kelly) just lost the appetite for it and he didn’t want to be giving a half hearted effort. Joe (Higgins) is doing a bit of boxing and he is training his sons and he has the business also,” said Kearns

Interestingly for watchers of the game, Joe Higgins and Tom Kelly were among the group of Laois Minors that defeated Tyrone in the All Ireland Minor Final in 1997. Both subsequently won All Stars. Of four classy minor teams in the mid nineties - 1995 to 1998 - three of which contested All Ireland Finals, only seven players remain in action with the Laois senior set up. Added to the retirement of Stephen O’Neill from the Tyrone squad it points alarmingly at the shortened timespan for an intercounty player in the current era.

Former county board chairman and current Leinster Council delegate Dick Miller was implicitly critical of the retirees, expressing his worry that the younger players might struggle without a helping hand oin the shoulder.
“It’s not fair on the young lads, it’s not fair on the John O’Loughlins, and they need the help of the older lads. We see know how valuable these players are and the public and everyone should get behind them.”
Dick is maybe being one and missing the point. It is possibly precisely because there is so much expectation on these lads that they are jacking it in. As noted flamboyant Dublin corner boy Oscar Wilde maybe said, to lose one is unfortunate, two careless. . . but six?

Holders Not Interested in Tommy Cooper

Wicklow are set to stand up for the rights of small counties by tabling a motion to ask that everyone is allowed back into the Qualifiers rather than condemning the weaker counties to the Tommy Cooper Cup.

The original championship format produced some original away trips to places never visited before but the recent changes mean Division 4 teams are outcasts from life’s feast and must instead compete for the much maligned Tommy Murphy.

Wicklow secretary Michael Murphy says: “The qualifiers were originally set up to help the so-called weaker counties and give them a second chance but that is not now the case. We have emailed all counties asking for their support and have received positive replies so far.”

Given that club competitions are organised on the basis of senior, intermediate and junior gradings, it is entirely consistent that senior inter-county championships should be graded. Likewise the hurling championships are similarly graded into three tiers which, broadly speaking work. The irony is that players and coaches can’t seem to accept the logic of playing at their grade and indeed the hoots of derision among Derry players when they won the Nicky Rackard was deafening - almost as notable was their failure to take the Christy Ring competition seriously last year.

Wicklow’s chances of success must be pretty low given all the hype surrounding player burnout and fixture congestion.

Attention Clubs: Get Your Bollixes onto TG4

Every club has a character or two - mebbe the big bollix that smokes at half time, the grumpy hoor of a secretary that puts two or three dots on his ‘i’s and multiple crosses on his ‘t’s. This is your chance to get them on the telly,
We’re putting this message out on behalf of those good people in TG4. Sometimes we can’t understand what they’re on about but most of the time they’re dead on.

TG4 is offering clubs across the country a chance to get their news out live on air! Seó Spóirt, the channel’s live discussion show is broadcast every Friday at 8:30 pm. TG4 has a slot on the programme aimed at helping clubs get their news out to a national audience.

If you’ve got a fundraiser going, are looking for a new manager, or have a new initiative that makes for a novel story, drop a line to club@tg4.ie with all the details. Remember to leave a name and contact details.

Also, if you’ve got some footage of your club in action, let us know and we can arrange to have some of it broadcast.

Remember, it’s TV, so keep it interesting. You get to let people know your club news, and we get to stay in touch with the grassroots of the GAA.

Seó Spóirt is presented by Micheál Ó Domhnaill, with discussion from resident panellist Seán Bán Breathnach, plus a variety of weekly guests and features. We cover the weekend’s action, GAA, rugby, and other stories as they break. Seó Spóirt, every Friday, at 8:30 pm on TG4.

So there ye go lads, maximum exposure on national tv, agus it as gaeilge too le do thuil.

UCD Girls Make it a Twosome

The camogs of UCD made it a nice pair at Casement Park in Belfast. They gave WIT a fair enough hammering in lifting the intervarsity Ashbourne Cup to record an impressive twin cup success.

There was probably plenty of typical camog humour at the Ashbourne over the weekend and god help any innocent male (or female) who felt like tacklin’ any of them. But the images that will stick in the mind are the flower of Irish womanhood striding purposefully about the fields, fit enough we suppose but still wobbly enough to interest the lads; the girlish cries of ‘lads, lads, lads. . .’ echoing round the fields.

Some of the squads were, we hear, heading back down south after Sunday night’s festivities - the roadtrip from hell - thirty drunken camogs and one bus driver. Of course not all of them would have actually been on the same bus but we’ll park that one for now.

If the Physio’s Fit, Use it

This week resident expert Ger Manas reflects on the problems cause when officialdom get their priorities wrong. When winning is the only part of it someone needs to say enough.

I was talking to a fella from up in Derry there and he was tellin’ me that the county board’s medical bill for the last year was over four hundred grand. Now either the Derry fellas are the biggest shower of oul women ye ever seen or the medics are going mad over prescribin’ and diagnosin. Apparently sez the lad I was chattin to, the majority of the money is related to the physio and therapy side of things with fellas goin’ off for scans and what not. The doctoring fellas cost near enough nahin - sounds rare enough set up.

Must be every time they get off their hole they strain somethin’ and then need to go and get their arse scanned. F***in scan me arse - tell ye I’d be strainin’ mesel tryin to boot them in the hole the big hoors. If ye don’t know ye have a hamstring or a groin ye can’t hurt it - that’s my view and ye can like it or not. I see Paudie Se the bollix said at the weekend that if you have physios about the place fellas will use them whereas otherwise they would just get on with it. He’s right about that. I remember the wife left a load of them wipe things in our bog - I would never have known what they are but ‘n’ damnit I was sittin thunder and I spied these things and thought to mesel jaze must try them yokes, see what they’re about. Rare enough sensation round ye right nuff. Me point is that if they weren’t sittin’ there I would never have even knew they existed. Next thing the wife’s givin’ out cos they were all used up.

Now that Seamus McCloy fella up there is a hard nosed enough hoor of a business man - I heard last week that he tould the minor hurlers’ manager that they couldn’t have tracksuits for the season and had to back down afterwards - toul the manager fella they were a waste of money cos they weren’t getting past Antrim anyway. Must annoy a man with that attitude that the Derry U21 hurlers were the last team in the county to win an Ulster title. Havin’ been toul often enough what he’s like I was a wee bit f***in shocked now to tell ye the truth that he hasn’t come into the physio room like Jasus himself into the temple and roaded the whole lot of them. Ye can just see that big galoot Kevin McCloy lyin’ up thunder on the physio table havin’ a chat with big Muldoon on the bench beside him and them lovin it. Next thing McCloy arrives in - ‘get up te f*** - younsuns lyin’ up here are costin’ us a fortune. Out there and do ten laps or f*** off home.’ Jaze I’d say McCloy and Muldoon would shift faster than they do out on the field. It’s no wonder the young lads were toul no tracksuits if the money’s all spent on them MRI scans. Someone should scan these boys heads and see if there’s anything in there other than maybe an oul acorn rattlin’ round.

Next thing I hear too is that the Derry camogie team got put out of Owenbeg and were toul they couldn’t use it any more unless they paid. Apparently they were well looked after up there, but sure them women are half mad from what I hear - there’s a load of fellas up in the Glens still needin’ counsellin’ after their team bondin’ weekend last year. They reckon they would tackle a few of the Derry wimmin, there was men down from the glens hadn’t been seen in years thought they might hook up with some yoke from Bellaghy or Castledawson or Lavey - them sorts of places - with a view to romance and marriage. All in aid of expanding the jean pull you understand?. These mountainy men soon realised they were well out of their depth. The Derry camogs out culchied them, outsmarted them, out drank them and outran them - well one or two did - the rest lagged a bit behind and nearly got caught up as stragglers. The best chat up line from the Glensmen was ‘what size of stick youz girls use?’ Anyway the poor oul camogs are travelling about the county now like yer man forty coats in wanderly wagon. Wonderin’ where to go and who wants them. They haven’t done as much travelling since they were on the beer after the All Ireland last year.

It’s funny how the GAA has a loads of people in it with big ideas about themselves. I’m sure there’s people there in Derry think that’s the right thing to be at - stopping ones using Owenbeg - the wimmins footballers get to use it no problem I hear. I think that folks with airs and graces should head off to play rugby or horsejumpin’ or somethin’. Ye get a fair bit of it in camogie and hurling folks think the Ulster teams aren’t worth a shite and they make no effort to hide their attitude - that’s the pity - they’ve two arms to legs and a heartbeat like the rest of us. As the man says for years in the North ye couldn’t even carry a hurley in places whereas in Cork and Tipp and the likes them boys can pull away to their heart’s content and they were happy doin it. Same as the girls.

Funny then these folks with big heads, big ideas - they seem to have forgotten where they come from. I see one of the managers was saying during the Cork carry on that these games is given to us in trust and it’s up to us to look after them and pass them on. Well, with some of the fellas coming and going over the years in all the time I’ve been workin’ at these games - ye have to wonder where they come from and what they’re playin at. They can organise nathin’ but are prepared to criticise other people and stick their big oar in where it’s neither needed or wanted. That’s the pity because that’s what drives the dacent folks away. When it starts makin’ life difficult for fellas and girls lookin’ to just play the games and avoid all the crap that’s when it gets to me and at that stage ye have to say stop.

Squareball makes a welcome return to the Dublin fashion scene at Futura 08 with a preview of its exciting new Championship Collection.

The funky, fashionable and devoutly iconoclastic brand has already established a hard core following among GAA fans and further afield since its launch last Spring. Sqaureball was hailed by Futura magazine as one of the brightest new talents at the 2007 Showcase Ireland event.

Squareball founder Niall Laird says: “Squareball has been out there for a less than a year and the positive response has been fantastic. We are keen to bring our new collection to Dublin and Futura to show people with a passion for the GAA and an eye for good quality gear what we are at.”

The Championship Collection being previewed features a range of tee-shirts and hoodies individually designed to a high spec to incorporate touches of real fashion. With high quality prints and slogans including Cumann U Luthchleas Girl, Pay for Play? and Excessive Fist Passing Can Cause Blindness, the collection continues the tongue-in-cheek humour for which Squareball became known. Their watchword is quality.

Niall says: “We know gaelic games are amateur but we feel fans deserve professionally produced gear - we are fans ourselves and we know that for real GAA followers, playing is only part of it.”

This week in Talking Balls, hurling staggers from strength to strength in Derry. Question for Croke Park, are county officials supposed to uphold the right and proper rules of the GAA which means supporting football AND hurling? Read on.

The Cork strike is over or is it? As pundits reflect on the lessons learned and the issues for other county boards, the Cork hurlers get back into training and the footballers look forward to life under a new manager.

We consider the impact and implications of the attendance of a ‘British Royal’ at Croke Park. All the back woodsmen are making one last appearance on the message boards for this one. Us, well we’re taking an unbiased view. We reflect on the trials and tribulations of the Fermanagh footballers and also Kevin McCourty playing the hokey cokey again with Antrim football.

The intermediate and junior club finals have been played in Croker over the last two weeks. We reflect on days of glory for the eight clubs involved - winners all.

If you are in Dublin next week - look out Squareball is in town for Futura. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.

Oak Leafs to Burn the Ash, All of It

With all the redevelopment work ongoing at Owen Beg, Doire’s training centre, speculation is mounting that work may include construction of an incinerator to burn all the hurls in the county.

In a county where the voice of hurling is seldom heard these days, despite being the reigning Ulster Under-21 Champions and having won the Nicky Rackard Cup in 2006 iomanadors in the county will tell you hurling is at its lowest ebb for some time. In its recently announced master fixture list for the season the Derry CCC has handed Friday nights over to reserve football. This follows on the heels of the creation of a Champions League Championship that gives teams two extra football matches but still includes a quarter final stage - meaning less space for hurling. The sub-committee that dealt with hurling has been booted into touch. County manager, ‘93 All Ireland winner, Brian McGilligan is railing King Lear like against the disservice being done to hurling in the county. A particular target for his anger is county Chairman Seamus McCloy. McCloy, from the great Bellaghy club who despite their camogie team wouldn’t know a hurl if Cuchullain himself landed in to kill a few dogs, does little to hide his disregard for hurling. In fact disregard maybe isn’t the right word at all.

Imagine a county minor hurling manager being told that the players couldn’t have tracksuits because they were going to get beaten by Antrim in the first round of the Championship anyway. Imagine a county minor manager being told here was no funds for away matches because it was a waste of money. Imagine an attempt to halt an Under 14 squad going to the Tony Forrestal Cup in 2007. If you can imagine these things then that’s good because these things may or may not have happened in Doire at the behest of the Chairman.

Rumours are also abounding that a sign will be erected over the entrance to Owen Beg, on the way to the hurl incinerator, big and proud with the Oak Leafer cluster. No Hurling Macht Frei.

Sing When You’re Winning

According to the weekend papers, in a new book, sports psychologists Aidan Moran and John Kremer make reference to an unnamed gaelic footballer and his free kick routine.

Apparently referring to Charlie Redmond, they relate how this player placed the ball and sang as he ran up to kick the ball ‘We Built This City on Rock and Roll.’ Tyrone supporters will think that he should relive a few scenes from Gone in Sixty Seconds or better gone in Sixteen Minutes after his failure to leave the field in an astonishing show of jolly-jackeeneery when he was sent off. The matter is now immortalised in a book.

What other songs would suit a player’s pre-free-kick routine. Well we are pretty certain for Oisin it has to be the Kenny Rogers classic; Mossy Quinn would have that old eighties classic Missing You. Owen Mulligan’s recent penchant for dropping close in frees short has him singing George Harrison’s My Sweet Lord, whilst Joe Canning apparently hums The First Cut is the Deepest as he sails another spectacular sideline over the bar. Peter Canavan’s famous effort that ended Armagh’s championship in 2005, was accompanied by him crooning Simon and Garfunkel’s Sound of Silence, memorably captured by a superb sequence on YouTube.

Bets of all perhaps was Damian Fitzhenry’s boomer against Tipp last year to the sound of Queen’s Hammer to Fall before he legged her back up the field.

If music be the food of scores, play on!

Club Finals in Croke - A Club Dream Come True

On Sunday in Croker Moycullen (Galway) defeated Fingal Ravens (Dublin) and Canovee (Cork) beat the Rock (Tyrone) to annex the Intermediate and Junior Club Football Finals at Croker.

Last week Conahy Shamrocks (Kilkenny) beat Moyle Rovers (Tipperary) in the Junior Hurling Final whilst, Clonkill (Westmeath) ousted Tommy Larkins (Galway) to lift the Intermediate title. For these players and for their clubs their day in the sun in Croker will be a never to be forgotten experience in the history of the club.

These games included contributions from double football All Star Declan Browne, hurling for Moyle Rovers and by all accounts the star turn in the match, and All Ireland winner Ciaran Gourley for the Rock in the Junior Football Final. Nickey Brennan will hardly have a prouder moment in Croker than when he handed the Cup over to his clubmate Eoin Murphy.

County success is all very well, but the club is personal. Whilst only one team can bring home the silverware, the achievement and the experience gained from having their mettle forged and tested in a provincial and all Ireland series may ultimately prove to be the ultimate legacy. Age will not wither it.

Well done from Talking Balls to all the lads that played for club and county in Croker over the last two weekends.

Fogbound in Fermanagh

Ernesiders Fermanagh are still on course to complete a National League campaign without playing a match. For the second round of games in a row, the men from the watery county had their match called off thanks to fog in Lisnaskea.

This wasn’t the sectarian sort of fog that caused Fermanagh county hurler to temporarily quit the game, but the damper sort that the folks down round the lakes are familiar with.

Talking Balls reflects that surely Cork could have thrown out a few ‘dog ate my homework’ or ‘there was fog’-type excuses to get them out of playing matches during their recent industrial action. They wouldn’t have had to let on to the GAA that there was a problem in the county and would have avoided all the speculation and debate on whether they should or should not be allowed to play in the National Leagues in football and hurling.

Meanwhile, Fermanagh’s next scheduled outing is against Longford on 2 March. Give Paddy Power a ring and see what odds you can get on Fermanagh playing that match. Dublin have said they can’t play Cork until November so maybe they can arrange a double header with one of the Fermanagh matches.

Another Fine Mess

So. Another eventful if matchless week in the Rebel County. The story so far. . .

The county Board go into binding arbitration, the players hmmmm and haaaaaa a bit because they know, that if Kieran Mulvey decides Teddy Holland and his merry men stay in post then they have to accept that, thereby conceding the main plank of their protest. Eventually they agree to enter arbitration, obviously having been tipped the wink by Mulvey or a go-between that there will be an outcome they will be able to work with. No doubt Donal Óg learned from his dalliance with Martin McGuinness in New York that what goes on in the corridors of power between two warring factions is called ‘negotiating’ and in this case the players seem to have played an impeccable match. The only blot on their copy book was a binding agreement not to strike again. Only a fool would fail to recognise that if the Cork Co Board f*** with these players again they will walk and a strike won’t even come into it.

So the players enter binding arbitration knowing their demands are all in the bag - the removal of Teddy Holland, the manager’s right to his own selectors and the inclusion of two player reps on the management appointment committee - which was something they probably weren’t that pushed on.

The outcome out the other side of the swinging doors then. . . Kieran Mulvey recommends that Teddy Hollan resigns in the interests of Cork GAA.

Now here’s where it becomes farcical. Teddy Holland now won’t resign because two of the people the Cork county board appointed for him won’t resign - he didn’t appoint them, The selectors then preferring instead to force their own removal as a point of principle. So on Monday night the board will have to secure approval from their delegates at a meeting at Páirc Ui Chaoimh to formally end the involvement of Teddy Holland and the four selectors.

Meanwhile All-Ireland winning U21 coach Tony Leahy is considered a leading contender to replace Holland. Gerald McCarthy had his first training session yesterday with the hurlers in Pairc Ui Caoimh - there are no reports of Frank Murphy having attended the training session.

As we all move on then, we’ll leave this sorry saga with a few well chosen words from Teddy, who in a statement more than tinged with bitterness and regret, unleashed a few well chosen pocs and boots at his adversaries, the players he was brought in to manage. . .

“The notion that the players somehow monopolise a desire to win is a myth. Last year’s All-Ireland Final was the most chaotic, abject capitulation in the history of Cork football. It lacked all the qualities which I stand for and which I hope the players can learn in time.

“In their more honest moments, the players might reflect on their performances that day and use them as a motivation to drive them forward.

”In attempting to reach success, players must keep in mind that they are carried on the shoulders of tens of thousands of Cork men, women and children who admire them and envy them. Dare I say it, managers, selectors and boards also make their own important contribution.

“To reach a resolution, my head on a plate was the players’ demand. I am quite happy in my own skin with what I did. I was not used and was not a pawn in anyone’s game. I looked forward to working with the players, to improving their performances and in bringing forward perhaps as many as 12 new players onto the panel.

“Going forward, it might help if players were humble enough to accept that we are all transient and replaceable. The Cork jersey is held in trust by us all - players, coaches, mentors and the board, and it is our role to do the very best for it and what it represents.

“There is nothing “them and us” about achieving success. It is “us” or it is nothing.”

Fixtures Fixtures Everywhere and All the Boards Did Shrink

Dublin have announced - with all the pouting of a minxed-up tart playing hard-to-get - that they might be able play Cork in November or December such is the fixtures pressure.

This is the county remember that runs its championships off over a few weeknights under lights in the depths of winter.

Meath too, are behaving like a spoilt bitch, mascara running down their cheeks as they say they won’t play Cork not matter what they are asked to do. Having had the dress, the support arrangements in place, the hair done and the make up plastered on waiting for the Rebels to arrive and sweep them off their feet, they have turned back into a pumpkin and are back living among the ashes.

Not so the elegant, classy and graceful Cats. They will, they say, be flexible about when they’ll be playing the Rebels in their refixed hurling match.

The respective counties may be well pissed off with the Corkmen, but surely better playing a game than to sit about bitching about being stood up. Players want matches and what better motivation than to put one over on the men from Cork with all their trade-unionery.

Former Antrim Footballer McGourty in Plea For Dual Status

Occasionally uncontroversial former Antrim footballer Kevin McGourty is in the news again.

A week after being dropped from the Antrim county football panel, apparently for not going to training, the mercurial McGourty who dazzles to some effect out the field for St Galls (we think he would be more effective closer to goal but he seems to like the space and show-boatery available further afield - whatever) has been training with the Antrim hurlers.

Coincidence then that in his column in the weekly Gaelic Life newspaper McGourty makes a heartfelt plea for the return of the inter-county dual player? Not to suggest that he’s missing a point but surely you can only be a dual player if you are actually on both county squads?

To Thine Own Self be True

Ths week resident expert Ger Manas ruminates on the prospects of the Aussies coming, lookin’ talent. Don’t blame the players if they decide to go he says. All of that plus, surprising ambivalence on the Cork strike.

I see in the papers that big Anthony Tohill, yer man Pat Daly and Nickey Brennan was out sunning themselves in Dubai there and chattin’ to the Aussies about bringing back that compromise rules shite. Geezer was right when he said if they want to box they can box but if they want to play ball. . . well let’s play ball. I would do neither with that shower but that’s just me.

The lads now have said that there will be some ‘minor adjustments’ to the rules like a video referees- this is on top of the two bollixes already on the field. They’re talkin’ bout making suspensions apply to the players own sport. We’ll f***in see bout that now, ye can see that ending up at the DRA cos a fella’s name wasn’t taken in Irish by an Aussie ref.

The thing that scares the shite out of club fellas I’ve been talkin’ to this week is the proposals that the Aussies are going to start systematically scouting underage games up and down Ireland. Nickey Brennan said after his holiday in the gulf that there should be no taking players under the age of 19 and they should sort out their studies and what not. That’s all fine and dandy but look at young Martin Clarke - he went off as a youngster and he’s flyin’ at it and well looked after too. The lads of An Riocht got a glimpse of what might have been when he came back to Down and helped them win the league.

Other lads I was chattin to asked me what would I do if one of our best players was approached to play in Oz. Well the first thing I’d do would be to kick the relevant Aussie as hard up the hole as I cud, there’s few things in life as satisfyin’ as giving one of them hoors a good rootin’. As for the player? Well, they’d be under enough pressure and stress from the club and people directly and indirectly telling them what to do, how it might effect the club or county or whatnot - I’d say nothing to them unless they asked me. But, ye know what? Sometimes in yer life ye have to suit yourself and te f*** with everyone else. So, if a cub of mine had been asked would he go, it might break me heart but I’d tell him to go and do what was best for himself because if you never try ye’ll never know. That’s the long and tall of it and that’s a fact.

I was watching that Clarke fella on telly after he went to Collingwood and jaze he was some young fella. His skills were unreal but the application to training and that was second to none. The way he set about workin’ things over there, going everywhere with the ball, settlin’ in - all that. Twas great to see it in a young fella. And the Aussies too - for all I think they’re a right shower of w***ers, the level of detail they have in measuring everything from how high you can jumpt te how far ye can spit is unreal.

Some of our lads if you tell them about conditioning they think it’s that stuff the girlfriend has that he uses in the shower to soap up the lads down below. So conditioning - well weights and all that’s fine but unregulated can be a bollix. How many times have you heard of some eejit going into the gym and he tries to lift far too much in weight and ruptures hisself. The Aussies though, they had yer man Clarke doing all the right stuff, well explained and whatnot.

One fella I know was managing a senior team - he’d heard about weights and whatnot so he went off to an auction and bought up a pile of free weights. He’d have needed a tribe of Bulgarian weight lifters to get the stuff home but anyway. He lands up to the club and dumps the stuff in a store room with a few benches and that. Next night at training he puts the whole f***in shebang on the bars and says to the lads ‘I’ll tell ye fellas, we might win f**k all this year but by the end of the season every one of you will be able to lift that.’ I suppose that’s one way to cut yer squad down. Don’t get me wrong now - the oul strength is important - the Core they call it now. I see there even on Saturday evening yer man Aidan O’Mahony handed off Niall Gormley of Tyrone not once but twice as if he was an U-12. Lesson there for ye young Gormley.

I was watchin’ on at them Cork fellas making a bigger and bigger balls of their selves over the last few weeks. Whatever the ins and outs - and to be honest I don’t give a shite - I reckon me oul mate Donal Óg would need to watch himself when he’s out and about. I would say it wouldn’t be long before some random hoor offa that county board sees him walking the road and tries to run him down or he gets dragged out round the back of the pub for a durty shoein’. Same as the young lads heading off I was talkin’ bout - the thing about Donal Og is he does what he thinks is right and he’s consistent. Now whether I think he’s a bollix for all that he done with the GPA or whether he’s a great fella for being on strike and stirring up the shite doesn’t matter, he suited himself and he done what he thought was right. He’s consistent - might be as f***in mad as the march hare but ye have to say he sticks to his guns.

As some of them famous poets wrote - to thine own self be true - and whether you’re a young fella thinking about going to Oz or Cusack wonderin’ when his next strike’s comin, that’s not a bad way to go about your own business. Least you can look at yerself in the mirror - the people that do the criticizing get to see an arse in the mirror every morning.

Now that’s not to say I wouldn’t give Donal Óg the wildest root in the hole if I saw him out and about but sure, he knows that well hisself.

This week in Talking Balls, plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. In Cork the strike continues, and continues. Without a resolution in sight it’s hard to see where this will end. For some reason Teddy Holland will not resign - although that’s obviously what Cork needs to move on but it’s not likely.

We reflect on the corporate giants likely to sponsor the championships and consider will the camogie association plough a different furrow? Some of the big swinging dicks gave some thought to widening the appeal of the Liam McCarthy but just as Antrim start to become an acquired taste they revert to type and lose to Dublin on Sunday.

We reflect on the lessons in Islam for the GAA - are there prospects for collaboration now an Arab airline may be sponsoring our national games. Open Croker to Other Sports - Camel Racing anyone or something more sinister or maybe that’s a misprint and it’s really an Aran Airline, not an Arab Airline. I suppose both are similar in offering the public flights to holiday destinations where you can still see artificial examples of an older better civilization.

Ger looks at the mismatch on the back of a serious tanking in camogie last week. Rumours abound that he may be brought on board as the national director of coaching for the camogie association. Stranger things have happened.

If you think you’ve something to complain about, chances are you are from Cork. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.

Know Ye They Shall - by the Company Ye Keep. Verily.

According to the Sunday Indo the Champions League style sponsorship arrangements or the hurling and football championships are nearing completion.

This will likely mean Guinness, Ulster Bank and Etihad Airlines will be the named partners on the hurling championship and the football will be backed by Vodafone, Toyota and Coca Cola. Favourites Boylesports were ruled out after the Powers that Be expressed concern that a gambling firm may be associated with its games. Of the companies mentioned they are believed to be the sorts of blue chip outfits the GAA likes to see itself aligned with. The ideal punter then: pulling into Dublin airport in his Toyota SUV. After a quick sip of his Coke Zero, he dashes into the departure lounge for his Etihad airlines flight to Dubai, paid for with his Ulster Bank platinum credit card, checks in and settles down to enjoy a pint of Arthur Guinness’s finest, whilst reading Talking Balls on his Vodafone PDA and taking care not to despoil his gleaming Squareball Hendrix was a Hurler Tee-shirt. Yep, Gaelic Athletic Association circa 2008.

Following low level discussions Talking Balls can exclusively reveal that the Camogie championships are close to a similar three pronged deal. Front runners are believed to be Mrs Edna Murphy’s Starch, Knicker and Corset Emporium, Ringiskiddy; Mrs Cullens Powders - the well known pain killing brand, Duffy’s Wool Shop, Enniscrone and Granny Hartington’s Olde Tarte Shoppe, in Muff. Apparently the Camog Powers that Be were hoping for a sponsor that reflected their core values, with some of the younger ladies hoping for a bit more up-front lustre like Agent Provocateur or ladies’ leisure brand Coco-de-Mer. However the aforementioned brands may be a better fit for camogie’s old fashioned image. That or someone from Croke Park is leaking us a big pork pie with beans on it.

Figures in the region of €5 million per sponsor per year have been mentioned for the GAA sponsors - a fair amount of cash to be floating about - and just how the Gaelic and Athletic will deal with the branding issues and so on will be of interest. Needless to say the GPA will be watching the whole image rights issue with interest. Ask not what you can do for your county but how much you can get from the sponsor.

Sharia Law for the DRA

Following the controversial calls by Church of England Bishop Rowan Williams for the introduction of Sharia law in our neighbouring close friend Britain, sources in the GAA are considering the applicability of the Muslim code to our national games.

Lawyers close to the Ard Stuirtheoir have been instructed to consider whether a player trying to get off on a technicality rather than taking his oil like a man might be better suited to a couple of hundred welts round the hole with a hurley - same as he would get in downtown Jeddah if there was any of his oul cheek.

One fella in Indonesia sentenced to forty lashes for drinking beer in public keeled over after seven and was toul he would get the remainder when he recovered. Now that would soon get the Dubs out of the bars and into Croker on time we reckon.

As for any county man breaking the drinks ban, a public beheading or two in Croke Park before every championship would seem an appropriate punishment. Any player caught doing a bit of extra curricular riding could have a few lashes as well, and as for yer wan he was doing it with well, she could get a schlep too, especially if she was another player’s bit of stuff. Under the Islamic code, thieves, adulterers and all sorts regularly get a good tanning in public - much like the Kilkenny football team - whilst gambling is equally frowned upon as it lays the seed of hatred between human beings. As an example just consider how much Oisin McConville says he hates Tyrone in his book ‘The Gambler.’

Scantily clad women would be a total no-no with again a big sally rod on hand to tan the well formed backside of any cailin deas daring to show off her farmer’s daughter’s tan in public.

So then, a GAA with no drink, no gamblin’, no cheatin’, no good looking women flashin’ their assets, no DRA. Do them Etihad Airline Airways fellas know what they’re getting themselves into?

Not as far fetched as you might think - GAA and Islam - two right wing outfits, with their fair share of prophets and messiahs; religious fervour, pilgrimages; fanatics willing to die for the shirt; endless media coverage. . . Jaze we feel a tee-shirt coming on.

Now lads don’t be going and giving us one of them fatwas ye gave that hoor Salmon Rushty.

Give the Ash a Lash

It’s not quite turkeys voting for Christmas but three of the country’s leading hurling men have called for efforts to boost the game in borderline counties with the objective of getting sixteen teams into the McCarthy Cup.

Waterford Justin McCarthy has pinpointed the need for better and more coaches as a key milestone along the way. “We have to aim for something, but there are more coaches needed than managers. I think there are a lot of men managing teams without the necessary coaching ability.” Who’s he thinking off there we wonder?

Justin took Dunloy for a two day coaching session in Mallow last week and he’s no turkey - he was mightily impressed with what he saw from the Antrim and Ulster Champions - others couldn’t believe what they were seeing from an Antrim team. Sez Justin:

“We have to develop this. There are teams in Laois, Carlow, Westmeath, we have to look at how to help.

Talking Balls thought he may be better waiting til’ Waterford won the All Ireland before he started looking for new opposition but we see his point.

Brian Cody was similarly enthusiastic and not at all put out that Antrim defeated his charges in the Walsh Cup:

“People might say it’s only the Walsh Cup, but we played Antrim recently. They had a lot of U21 players - five of them forwards - and they were excellent. I think the potential that’s there in Antrim is huge, their standard of play is terrific, their touch, their striking, their skill levels, the spirit in which they play the game. The likes of Sambo McNaughton and Dominick McKinley are crying out for every help available to prosper.”

Meanwhile Limerick’s Richie Bennis said:

“It’s very important to keep hurling strong where it is strong - which I would also apply to club level. We’re trying to promote hurling in Limerick and trying to get hurling into places where there was never hurling and where it’s dying in parishes where it was always strong. I’d love to aspire to a 16 team League. It’s not possible at present, but the progress made by Dublin is a lesson for other counties.”

Brian McGilligan in Derry for his part would love to have 16 players. Manager of the Derry team that defeated Antrim in the Ulster U-21 Final Last season - an Antrim side that included many of the palyers now being praised for their senior exploits - Brian has been tilting at windmills recently with his calls for hurling to be given a fair crack of the whip in the Oak Leaf County. Maybe given Brian’s comments that should read crap of the whip, cos the way it stands hurling’s only going down one way.

Making a right Mayonnaise of Appointing a new Manager

Not quite as inept as the blunder boys in the Football Association of Ireland but Mayo are leading the way in showing how not to start a team’s preparations on the right foot. However as with the soccer boys the Powers That Be remain insouciant about the prospects of getting a new manager soon.

Currently being trained by Liam McHale in preparation for the start of the Suzuki League the Ladies county board, Caroline Brogan explained:
“The current situation is that the county board are taking over the team, we have an interview panel set up and they are seeking a manager.”

Yep, being taken over by the county board. Imagine how that one would go down in Corcaigh? Like the Office WAGs drawers at the prospect of a night with Dan Shanahan we would suspect. But, over thunder in Mayo, things are much more civilized and by the book. How many times have you heard of a job interview set up for the person already in the job - the actual interview itself a mere formality. Not with the westerners. Ms Brogan elucidated on the suggestions that Frank Browne, who managed the team which won the league title last year and lost to holders Cork in the All-Ireland final, had been interviewed for the position but was not reappointed.

She cryptically explained: “Frank was in for it and we did interview him. But the interview panel found that he wasn’t a suitable candidate for the management of 2008. I’m only one of the interviewing panel. Everyone had their own opinion, it was just felt it wasn’t the right thing for Frank to go back in.”

El Tel remains the current favourite. . .

Sambo Says Something

Antrim legend Sambo McNaughton has come out and made his view known on the Cork crisis, but as usual nobody is paying any attention to him because he’s from Antrim.

One Cork man who declined to be named said: “Listen, what does yer man Sambo know, sure he’s from Antrim and they can’t even play hurling. Lookit, what’s it got to do with him anyway.”

McNaughten believes that were an Ulsterman in charge of the GAA these days, instead of yer wan Nickey Brennan, the Cork strike issue would never have got off the ground let alone be flying round the place like a model plane with the button jammed on attack. Sambo also drove his big Cushendal boot into the GPA and thinks they are agitating behind the scenes to keep Hollandgate going another while.
Sambo says: “Reading between the lines, there is clearly another agenda here. If either Peter Quinn or Sean McCague had been President of our Association when the GPA was on the move, it would never have got as far as it has and neither would the Cork problem.”

He wasn’t long revealing his real agenda:
“Cork are due to come to Antrim on March 16 and it would be an absolute tragedy for us if they didn’t. Every youngster up here eagerly looks forward to counties like Cork, Kilkenny and Tipperary coming to up to play hurling. They marvel at the skills those players have and are always eager to pick up any titbits from them. I’ve a wee lad here who can’t wait for Cork to come and it would break his heart if they don’t. I would appeal to them and their county board to think of the broader picture. I know that isn’t easy in the present climate, but should Cork not play in the league, there is every chance they won’t take part in the championship either. That would be an absolute disaster for our Association.

Well Sambo may be right but surely he must also realize that if the Rebels don’t field in the league it reduces the chances of Antrim being relegated by 50%. Furthermore, if by any chance the Corkmen do manage to get themselves sorted out but miss the league, chances are they’ll be dumped out of the championship at the first round. Who might they play? Antrim. What better chance will the saffrons have of making progress in an All Ireland.

We can hear it now, the after match interviews…

“Beating any Cork team is a good day for Antrim hurling. It shows how far we’ve come since we levered Jim McKernan out the door and into the Down job via the Antrim camogie position. We don’t think it matters that they haven’t played or trained for six months and only got together again last Thursday” (. . . as a distinctly wobbly-and-untoned-but-wellknown-and-usually-body-sculpted-Adonis with parents from the south Pacific and the Dirty Nort lumbers past chewing a big Mac if-you-can-imagine-what-we’re-getting-at??). “Lookit,” sayeth the former toned one, “If Frank Murphy and Teddy Holland had just gone away as I asked them to we wouldn’t be in this position although I would still be eating boiled chicken instead of this delicious Big Mac. Want some - boy?”

Back to Sambo then. Although he wants Cork to sort it he himself wouldn’t be for having selectors foisted upon him by the likes of that darling of the media Dr McSparran: “I can see the players’ point of view and I would not be manager of Antrim if I could not pick my own selectors.”

Obviously a man who doesn’t read too many papers or get out much as Sambo also tells us:

“I learnt from a very good friend of mine in Cork that the whole county is saddened by the turn of events.”

Is that so now? He went one, getting ad nauseum this but whatever. . .

“There will be no winners in this situation. Cork’s absence from the league and championship devalues both competitions and no-one wants that. Cork should be out on the hurling field. Their players should pocket their pride now and get on with their hurling. The problem can be revisited next September and sort it out once and for all. I’ll give you a statistic that will shock you. Up here we cannot get a pitch to train on at this time of the year. Over in Ballymena the local rugby club once had six teams, they now have only two because of professional rugby. That’s where the Antrim county team now trains because of the availability of pitches.”

Sure isn’t that great - means you can train away under lights and at the same time annoy the shite out of some of the non-Gaelic and Athletic fraternity. Tell you one thing - training in Ballymena? Betya they’re being well charged for that one. Tight hoors up there ye know.

Cork Still in the Bottle

The Cork strike is still going on and no, the pigs still aren’t flying.

Teddy Holland still hasn’t stood down. . . Frank Murphy still hasn’t resigned . . . The Football and Hurling Panels still haven’t split. . . Cork County Board is still feeding the media their side of the story. . . the players still telling us their’s . . . Donal Óg and the boys are still fanatical . . . and it all still is enough to make amateur fanatics like Osama Bin Laden ashamed.

Still, there’s more important things in life - unless you’re from Cork that is.

Je Sais Quoi?

Ger Loughnane’s Galway maybe looking a better more promising than they did last time round in the league, but the Clare Guru is looking for a little je sais quoi.

Ollie Canning that is.

According to Loughnane, Ollie Canning is the sort of cute hoor of a defender that Galway need to take them on to the next level especially after the conceded 3-17 on Sunday to a Clare team that didn’t just look that deadly at all.

Sez Ger: “People are saying that when the Portumna lads come back - Ollie and Joe (Canning), Damien Hayes, Eoin Lynch, all of those - but I think Ollie Canning could still do a massive job for Galway. That’s the type of player we need, that cuteness. If we could add someone like that to the mix we have, the quality we have, we could challenge most teams.”

Hurler Regains His Sight, Offering Hope to Referees everywhere

News has emerged that former Cork club hurler Jimmy Aherne has regained his sight thanks to a diet supplement developed by WIT.

Mr Aherne was diagnosed with age-related mascular degeneration (AMD) in his eyes has seen the disease halted after treatment using a ‘miracle’ diet supplement.

It is not known whether the supplement will be made available to all those b***ards of referees and linesmen the length and breadth of the country that can see nothing week in, week out.

Cannon Fodder Leaves a Bad Taste

Resident Expert Ger Manas questions the wisdom of the coach that knows no better and treats the weaker opponent as cannon fodder. Too often in his experience in all walks of life, it leaves a bad taste.

It’s not often I call into the Talkin’ Balls office but this week I had reason to be in there with some of them gobshites. With their big plasma screen TVs and faggotchinos or whatever it is ye call that shite them posey boys drink - they make me f***in laugh and cry too. While I was there some woman from the camogs Croke Park was on given out to one of the boys about some thing or other they had written. He was sittin there white as a duck’s egg writin’ some shite she said down on a bit of paper. When he came off the phone he was like Caspar the ghost so I asked him what was the matter and he tould me that she was after giving out about the Louth Camogs getting badly bate and the way it was reported. I was bout to tell the lad to tell her to gway te yon place but it got me thinkin’ about matches and the hammerins ye get from time to time. Many’s the day in the pissin’ wet freezing cold standin in the arse of beyond I have asked mesel whether it is worth it this coachin and nonsense while some obnoxious shower of pricks launch in their latest goal te take it to double figures.

A big gripwater of mine now would be games that aren’t matched up. Yep, on any given Sunday ye can have a mis-match - fellas or girls can be on holidays, sick injured and miss a match to leave ye short - whatever - but usually it evens out over a year. I’m talking bout those times when ye get yer arse bate so hard by some team that it’s nearly as if they didn’t like ye. Well, sure as pussy’s a cat I don’t like them hoors when it’s over tho’ I never return the compliment - ceptin the one time but I’ll lave that for again.

What is it about some people that they have to win win win no matter what -especially with youngsters. The grandson went off there to kick football on Saturday and he spent the day crying because although he scored a pile of goals and a few points and him only five and a half - he takes after me in the scoring stakes let me tell ye - some big hoor from one of the other teams busted him in the nose by pushin’ his face right down into the ground. That and a young lashoon of a ref that wouldn’t have known his f***kin whistle from an oboe he was blowin’ that hard. The nephew was tellin’ me our young lads were goin’ rightly but the other team were bigger, stronger and just kept bootin the ball into the goal. For some reason too they was playin with a proper O’Neill size four. In the name of f***! Did ye ever hear the like of it - course our goalie too he gets splattered in the nose with the ball - irritating we bollix he is too - I blame the parents - but he didn’t deserve that, no sireee.

A few years back we had a young group of wee hurlers that trundled their way round the place, they won an odd game here and there but mostly got well tanked and bate out the gate by other teams for their sins. But they loved it - the craic was great - I was takin’ them as I was takin’ a bot of a break that year from some of the other teams. We were due to play the top team in the county - they had won the league and championship, the Feile and the provincial Feile - you name it, they’d her won. These boys had lifted every medal in the county. But they had no match left to present these medals ceptin their league game with us - I’d had it called off for an oul shower of rain on our pitch. Any excuse - normally I’ll play any team any time any place anywhere - just like Martini - but I knew our wee fellas would get killed, we’d just won our section in the provincial Feile and I thought it would melt whatever bit of confidence they had so I conceded the game rather than get me hole kicked.

Anyway the manager phones me up at the end of the season and asks would we play our outstanding game as the opener to the Intermediate Championship Final - it would mean the last game was played and then, out he comes with it. ‘It’ll also give us a chance to present our lads with their medals. . .” So there ye have it, our lads spend the afternoon camped in their twenty one, conceding goal after point after goal, meanwhile these f***in patricians from down the county stroll about, pass her about, smoke their cigars and lash another one into the onion bag. ‘Away te f***,” sez I to your man, “I’m not servin’ our f***in lads up to your boys as cannon fodder just so ye can lift a few medals afterwards. “Don’t be like that Ger,” sez he “Ye know the craic yerself,” sez he. When I let a few more f***s out of me that was the end of that but I couldn’t believe that c***.

Anyway, so as far as the Camogie lady was concerned, I was glad she shook a few of them boys up, and them lyin’ on their well paid holes, sittin about watchin’ reruns of matches, eatin’ doughnuts and the like. They even have a personal trainer them bollixes - couldn’t believe it. She’ll have the work cut out for her there - it’s a f***in earth movin machine she’s need to get them fellas off that sofa.

Competitiveness is all well and good - and I’m the worst hoor for it mesel, but it has a time and a place and that’s not when one team is hammering the bejasus out of another and starts to look embarrassed. My advice if yer in that situation - at half time, always tell yer men to hit points or hit a few wides and take yer best players off or put them out of the road. The good players will know fish shot in a barrel taste like shite. Anyone else that doesn’t realize that is guilty of shockin’ gobshitery and needs a quare’n good boot in their hole. I’d be the man to do it too if given the chance.

Fair play to the Louth camogs tho’ - I’m sure the same girls will be grand and back at it. Might even give them a shout to go down to take a session or two - but then that might f***in wreck the ship altogether.

This week in Talking Balls we celebrate forty one editions and ask does anyone read this? If you like it let us know, if you don’t send a link to someone you don’t like.

We consider some of the hammerings handed out at the weekend - in some cases these are justified if it means Kilkenny get to play county football.

We reflect on the watery grave for matches that is Carrick on Shannon - speaking from bitter experience. More from Cork on their latest row - all sounds like Lanigan’s Ball now with one side stepping in to give their spake before stepping out again. We report on the transfer speculation surrounding Wicklow and the sectarian breakdown of the Fermanagh football squad. Are these things important?

All’s quiet on the Pay for Play debate. We are boycotting coverage of Tyrone’s performance against Kildare posing as Armagh - the best thing in Omagh on Saturday night was the vegetable soup. Armagh mug Cavan in the second half to steal victory and lightening struck again as Donegal play another last minute joker in Ballyshannon to beat the Kingdom. The impiest cheekiest joker of them all missed the match to go to the Superbowl. Yes, Gooch is off Coyote hunting - as if them coyotes couldn’t miss thon red hair but sure more anon.

If you haven’t made it out of the house to be ball froze at a league game, you should be ashamed of yourself. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.

Louth Camogs Concede Fifty…

. . . But remain unbowed. Fair play to the Louth camogie team, one of the worst experiences you can have in sport is to take a bad beating. Louth experienced that misery on Sunday against Meath.

No doubt since then the girls have been at a low ebb. But as legendary American football coach Vince Lombardi said, ‘It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.’

The camogie association have expressed their concern to us that the reporting of this result will have a negative effect on the girls concerned and we appreciate that. Talking Balls is resolutely opposed to mismatches that leave one team thinking why bother – we have been there. That is not what sport is about and we don’t intend to add insult to injury. In our own coaching work we fail to see the point of hammerings and that applies at all levels in all sports. Winning isn’t everything and remember, playing is only part of it.

With the game effectively over at half time it would appear that the Meath management certainly didn’t tell their charges during the break to take their points. That’s regrettable.

So, we’ll look forward to following the progress of the Louth camogie team – win, lose or draw. They now have a small band of supporters in Squareball.

League Lights

Kilkenny’s return to the National league after a nine year absence was a whopping 4-22 to 1-5 defeat by Tipperary.

Kilkenny opted out before because they couldn’t hack the pressure anymore of getting well and truly hockeyed week in week out. Having said all of this, the scoreline would not have been out of place if the Cats hurlers played a few of the so called weaker teams so Talking Balls is hoping they stick at it. Eddie Brennan is the main dual star, hitting 0-5 in Sunday’s match.

Also in Division 4 Offaly gave London a bit of a timbering hitting 5-16 to 1-6 in reply from the exiles. Given the scale of the hammerings being handed out there could be some reasonably competitive matches at the bottom half of the table.

Carrick-on-Shannon - Dream Maker, Heart Breaker

Sunday’s national league opener between Leitrim and Fermanagh in MacDiarmuid Park in Carrick-on-Shannon was called off due to a waterlogged pitch a full twenty minutes before the scheduled throw-in.

Luckily enough Leitrim were only playing near neighbours Fermanagh and not a more far flung outfit. Twenty minutes notice would be a right pain in the balls if you had driven all the way from Limerick of Wexford. They might have a bright shiny new stand in Carrick-on-Shannon but obviously the pitch still ships a fair bit of rain.

Brings back fond memories of one of Talking Balls reporter’s trip to Carrick-on-Shannon to watch Tyrone play there in a championship qualifier in 2002. After driving down from Tyrone and booking into a respectable B&B where the Fear an Ti was convinced they wouldn’t be home late, the two lads headed off for a few pre-match beers and then on to the ground. Carrick-on-Shannon if you haven’t been there is one of those rustic county grounds that turns up in the pages of Sportsfile’s A Season of Sundays every year - usually there is a quaint picture of an oul fella with boneshaker of a bike and a county flag attached to the luggage rack, or some craggy oul bollix is peering out of the box office looking your eight euro admission. Anyway, this Saturday night there was little of the romance of the Season of Sunday. It was pissing rain and on entering the ground there were three groups of people on the pitch - the two teams going through their warm-up routines - the third group were a bunch of local firemen in full disaster response kit, big coats and helmets on scooping up buckets of water from the puddles forming on the pitch. With each bucketful they would amble to the sideline and pour out the rainwater. Which, no doubt streamed straight back to the place from whence it had been drawn. The two lads looked at each other - this didn’t look good. Eleven minutes into the match, by which time Leitrim had scored a goal and Tyrone had replied with, we think a point, the referee whistled the sodden affair to a standstill. Both teams were ushered off the field to meet again another day.

Our two intrepid rainwashed fans headed into the bright lights of Carrick after making the considered decision to stay and go on the beer. A venture into a newly opened Italian restaurant was an experience. When asked what the vegetables of the day were - the waitress, local, not Italian, who had just explained she had only started work that day - she hesitated before answering confidently: ‘Spuds I suppose…’. Ah yes.

After that our two Rough Guides headed up the street for a few pints before being alerted to the existence of the Moonriver, a sort of legal floating shebeen that plied its trade up and down the Shannon waterway, departing at about one in the morning. Immediately realising that this offered redemption for the aborted trip to the match, our two men got sufficiently lubricated so as to display their full sea legs and headed down to the departure point. Needless to say the Moonriver was a classic experience complete with all the refugees and desperadoes from the last chance saloons round the town. This was their shot at redemption or at least an oul messy tackle. Complete with fully functioning bar, boom-chick-a-boom musician in the corner and a motley crew of stranded Tyrone supporters who had had a few pints in Carrick and decided to stay, this was where it was at in Carrick. Certainly no sign of an Audrey Hepburn to brighten up the early hours but whatever. Eventually poured off the Moonriver at four-ish our two men headed back to the B&B - the one where the landlord was expecting them back early. Some banter and bollixing led to an argument with the taxi driver which was paid off with a twenty pounds tip. Sufffice to say the fear an ti was not happy.

So, if you’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair. If you’re going to Carrick on Shannon - be sure to take a trip on the Moonriver - functioning liver essential.

Cusack’s Stand

Donal Óg Cusack pitched up on Primetime on Thursday evening to explain the ongoing status of the tiresome Cork dispute. Looking fashionably unshaven and sporting a very nice looking scarf and crombie combo a la Roy Keane , Donal Óg explained at length the players’ stance.

For those of you who missed it, a deir se:

“The situation is as stated on November 12. The players have serious issues with the decision taken by the County Board late last year. The players made it clear that they wouldn’t recognise anybody who was put in place under this process and asked for nobody to be put in place to give this thing time to be sorted out.

“Trust is a fundamental part of playing sport and trust was fatally damaged that night when Teddy took over. A lot has been made that Teddy has been elected on a vote of 105 to maybe two or three votes but the reality is that there were no other candidates in position at that time, and a lot of candidates had ruled themselves out because they didn’t want to put their name in to the fray under the new structure.”

He added: ‘‘This is absolutely nothing to do with professionalism, this is absolutely nothing to do with money, this is all about Cork players wanting what’s best for themselves, wanting what’s best for their families and their counties.

“The players feel it’s tough enough to compete at this level without being blocked up by a system that hinders their performance on the field.”

‘‘The reason they’ve (the players) made this move is they have so much pride in the jersey and they want to see Cork winning.” “They (the players) want to be able to compete at the top of their game, and they feel the structure in place will seriously hinder their opportunities.

He added: “We want to play, we’re sportspeople, we’re not politicians but we see it encumbant for the success not alone of this team but future teams to reverse this season.”’

The situation now is that the Hurlers opening match against Kilkenny due next Sunday is in doubt and the footballers will have to the following Tuesday to state if they will field against Dublin. Meanwhile Meath manager Colm Coyle is playing hardball on the dates for rescheduling Saturday night’s match, citing the issue of player burnout as a reason not to play six matches in seven weeks.

Wicklow Transfer Outside January Window

It looks like Micko has recruited former Kerry underage player Dan Doona to the Wicklow cause.

Doona hit 1-6 against Wicklow for New York in the prestigious Owen Tracy Cup final pre Christmas in the Big Apple. He has now returned to Ireland and is expected to join up with Wicklow soon.

Unconfirmed reports also place Mick O’Dwyer’s car in Donnemana and Aughabrack last week - was he trying to persuade the now-retired Stephen O’Neill to make a shock comeback in the colours of the Garden county.

No Muslims in Fermanagh Hurling Panel

Fermanagh have announced their panel for the forthcoming national hurling league. It has been revealed that no Muslim or Jewish players will be lining out for the Erne-siders this season as they swap their paddles and oars for camans.

The panel is believed to comprise twenty nine Catholic players and one Protestant player - the latter being Darren Graham who sensationally walked off the pitch mid-match during the summer due to Sectarian abuse.

No other county would confirm or deny the sectarian make up of their panel.

College Versus County Row Rocks Red Hands

Tyrone minor manager and former Omagh CBS McRory Cup captain Raymond Munroe has sensationally quit his post with the Red Hands set up following a row with his alma mater and St Pat’s Academy in Dungannon.

The Brothers and the Academy have apparently withdrawn their McRory players from county duty due to their school commitments. Munroe and his backroom team have stepped down citing their inability to proceed with selection of a squad for the Ulster Minor League. Omagh are of course holders of the Hogan Cup. The County Board are standing by their man in a bid to end the dispute which is currently the subject of discussions with the Ulster Colleges Council.

Gooch MVP At SuperBowl XLII

Impish Kerry star Gooch Cooper was spotted amongst the throng at the United States most overhyped sporting event the other night in Arizona.

Reported to be headed Superbowl-side just in case there were ‘wardrobe’ malfunctions Janet Jackson style - ye can just imagine the shrug of the shoulders and glint-in-the-eye primary school snigger from the Gooch if it did happen - you don’t see that in the AIB in Killarney - Kerry’s finest pitched up at the University of Phoenix stadium.

Although New York Giants quarterback won the on field award for MVP there is no doubt the sharpest shooter in town was sitting in the stand on-looking.

Gooch is heading out to the west coast chilling out for a while. Meantime he’s in Arizona, we can just see him with Stetson, chaps, low slung pistol holster, the skin bright pink with the farmer’s suntan and the freckles like an archipelago across the nose - the Milky Bar kid does desert.

We hope he meets a nice southern gal with plenty of attributes and decides to spend a long while down on the farm. That way some of the rest of us might get a shot at the All Ireland this year. Otherwise, I’d say the Gooch will be home, faster on the draw and meaner than ever.

Splinters Biggest at the Arse End of the Squad

This week amidst all the recent furore about the size of county squads resident expert Ger Manas considers the unhappy or happy lot of the inter-county permanent benchwarmer. Not so much splinters in the ass as board out of their buttocks.

I went along to see a couple of the inter-county games there over the weekend, I was asked in to help one or two of the managers out with a few oul bits and pieces I’d be good at. I was lookin’ round the dressin’ room an’ I got to thinkin’ that some of those lads have as much chance of getting’ serious game time on the field as I have of bein’ elected next pope and that’s the fact.

Ye’ll have often heard it said that the county squad aren’t the best thirty footballers in the county, but they’re the best squad. Up til’ about twenty one or twenty two at best will be handy enough men to have if ye need them in a match but the rest are lads that just won’t feature. How they react is a good judge of what sort of fellas they are. Ye get the lad who is maybe good but young and he doesn’t want to be wastin’ time livin’ like a monk wearin’ out a set of thermals travelin’ the length and breadth of Ireland to sit on his hole. He might be toul to fill up the oul water bottle or maybe he shoots in at the keeper in the warm up. But he’s not happy - he wants to be playin’ matches and if that means playin’ matches with the club that’s what he’ll be at. Fellas round county teams may not realize but what lads want to be at, most of the time is playin’ games.

The squad man that’s not gonna get on - there’s a few ways the penny can drop. He can be sittin’ there watchin’ a game - maybe there’s an injury or two and the man that’s playin’ in his position at wing back is havin’ a stinker and he’s thinkin’ to hisself here we go. What happens? The manager, who always knows best, tells one of the forwards to get stretched and warmed up. Jaze our fella thinks to himself he’s takin’ off the wrong man - the forwards is doin’ grand, yer man’s cak. Next thing the wee mini noticeboard yoke with the red lights goes up 17 flashes and so does five. The number twelve’s shifted back from half forward to wing back. What’s the message there? Well ye all know it - I’d be better bringin’ a forward back than puttin’ on one of these bollixes on the sideline. We’ve seen it done time and again - Mickey Harte has started Tyrone again’ Mayo in 2004 with Ciaran Gourley listed as a half forward. Why? Even in camogie - Derry did it this year when they won the All Ireland junior - they took off a defender, brought back a forward and brought on another forward as a sub. What does that do for the player’s confidence? Shite all. The squad man then - what does he do. Maybe he’s a thick sort of chap and doesn’t realize that he’s been told indirectly that he’s not up to the job in front of a few thousand supporters. Yes, maybe he’s a grand man to rattle out a tune on the oul guitar on the way home, or a good man on the stats, or maybe a good lad to have about the place. But he’s bein’ toul in a straight enough was that county football or hurlin’ or whatever isn’t for him.

What does that mean then? Well the squad can’t function without these sorts of boys so ye have to hope that enough of them’s happy sittin’ on their holes makin’ up the numbers. Maybe they’re gettin’ their fair share of tacklin in the oul night clubs and dances in lieu of playin - jaze the oul county gear’s a fierce attraction for the shirt tugger. Maybe they’re improvin’ as a player by doin’ the work at a higher standard. Maybe they can’t face goin’ home to tell the looper of a da that they want to jack it in because they’re a bit player and other than a pre-season game playin’ for the county means trainin’ yer ass off, bein toul to ate tasteless shite and drink water like your tryin’ to lower the Ark. Their time isn’t their own - trainin’ two or three times a week, matches, weights, team meetings travelin’ there and back, makin’ up time at work. And they think this chat about €2000 or whatever the f**k it is is any payment for that. It is in me shite.

Supporters get surprise then when they hear this man or that fella has pulled out of the county squad. Let me tell ye it is no surprise. These fellas go back to the club and half the panel is gloatin thinkin’ they’ve failed and they’re down a peg or two. The rest don’t understand why they could stick it in the first place.

My golden rule is - if ye don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. Once things become a pain in the hole, or ye dread goin’ out the door to trainin’ or ye find yerself takin’ the frustration out on the players - then it’s time to do yerself a favour and get out of there. The boys will thank ye for it, the wife might ‘ceptin’ ye might be about the house too much for her likin’ and ye’ll find that within a short while the enjoyment will be back.

Meanwhile down on the bench, the smart squad man will wait a while, quietly make his point and hit the road. For the boy behind him in the queue, that might be a chink in the tunnel but I wouldn’t get carried away because for these fellas they need to understand - they won’t get playin’ period. They’ll end the season havin played about 30 minutes county football in a pre season Mickey McKenna Cup, they’ll miss a ball of club games and will probably be shite when they actually get playin. They’ll be great a runnin’ drills, playin’ the guitar, drinkin’ water and the like. If you’re on a squad let me tell ye fella’s look out for the arse end of the squad because that’s where the splinters are the biggest.