Talking Balls Issue 38 - Well Informed Ignorance
Talking BallsFor all you bargain hunters out there remember the Squareball sale is on - pick up some of our limited edition gear before it goes out of stock - you know it’ll never be out of fashion.
This week it’s a quiet enough one. Tyrone are out of the McKenna Cup thanks be to God. We’re fed up listening to how important it is - it’s not. Beside it’s about time Derry won something.
We cast an envious eye at those engaged in pre-season training. Can you stick it? Yes you can - but are you really wasting your time training for something more akin to cross country wrestling than football?
The Cork row rumbles on - Take That survived without Robbie, Pink Floyd without Syd Barrett, the Who without Keith Moon. Even Led Zeppelin came back with John Bonham but could the GAA survive without the Rebels and is it true they might get booted out by the PTB??
Ger Manas survives a bout of the flu and a few days at home with the wife but he’s more concerned about all these people talking shite and what it means for our games. That and drugs in sport - what’s the world coming to?
If you’ve got a virus, you know you can’t treat it. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.
Pre-season - It’s Gas Craic Altogether
It’s that time of the year again when coaches step out in their waterproofs, thermals and big dry boots to put their sorry-assed charges though their paces. And it’s a gas!
The league season may be twelve weeks hence for the majority of clubs the length and breadth of Ireland but those twelve weeks are a gaping window of opportunity. A gatherup of veterans, fresh faced senior football virgins, returning heroes, discarded county men, and inept bucket footers will gather with a mixture of enthusiasm and apprehension in a dank club house. Some won’t even bother their hole turning up, savouring a few extra weeks on the piss, knowing they’ll get the call when a few of the newcomers wilt under the pressure of mind numbing fitness work in the ball freezing cold.
Club managers the length and breadth of the country are enlisting the help of former French Foreign Legionnaires, boxing coaches, cyclists, tai chi and yoga experts, rugby league manuals and aussies rules websites. All to give their players that edge whatever that is. Leaving aside the notion that coaches and managers are doing all this for the love of the game and not because Stevie Smallbuck the local developer has greased their palm big style, is this all necessary?
The early season dressing room is the stuff of legend. The new manager bestriding the dressing-room like a colossus amidst the rank smell of beer, BO and bad feet. ‘Ye can f***in’ forget about last season, as far as I’m concerned this is year Zero, a line in the sand. We’ve crossed the Rubicon. What went before wasn’t good enough because ye won f*** all…’ as boys squirm on their seats, the oul hands drift off thinking, ‘how many times have I heard this shite before.’
Next things to man they are on the pitch clabbered to their knees running this way and that in a bewildering array of running drills. One player dryly observing that he only gets the ball in his hands for a total twenty seconds in a game according to some programme he’d seen so why did he have to run about like a bollix for an hour and a half. The answer? It’s called character my son and as it stands? You don’t have any!
Monaghan trainer, the highly regarded Martin McElkennon questions some of the approaches being used. Sez he: “Are we concerned about developing a footballer, or developing a machine that’s super fit and can run all day but do little else? Why ask a corner forward who makes 20 metre runs across the field and 30 metre runs out the field in a match to do long distance running in training? You wouldn’t ask a boxer to put on a pair of skis or play basketball as part of his training so why do we still persist with this nonsense that still goes on where teams run around a racecourse or something ridiculous like that?”
Well Martin obviously thinks he knows what he’s talking about. Others have different views - Talking Balls has had a look through the Underdogs training routine manual that someone kindly gave us a while back. Developed as it was by some dude down in DCU with the specific needs of the GAA player in mind. Whilst accepting the need for short runs akin to match day scenarios the manual also advocates carefully explained thirty minute runs for stamina purposes. Those and a suite of cunningly cruel and thigh sapping and lung bursting routines that appear innocent but are lethal.
Reminds us of a story we were told during the summer of a local rugby player returning from England to play for Norn Irn’s finest with Ulllllsterrrr - the training we were told was more sophisticated than what he had encountered in England. Part of Ulster’s programme consisted of dragging a tractor tyre about - useful skill that in a game. Likewise, one of Talking Balls associates was thinking of starting a ladies football team in his club. Discussing the matter with a few of the local girls, some of whom were of the other persuasion, he was told that one particular New Zealand ‘lesbian’ could swim miles in the sea, was great at mountain climbing and cross country cycling to which our man responded, ‘If we ever play a match where we need to swim, climb and cycle, I’ll give her a shout.’
McNamara Points the Finger at Fitz
Now that Davy Fitz’s finger has been reattached or whatever they did to it, Mike McNamara looks like recalling him to the Clare hurling panel. As you will know, after a year sitting about on his hole, doing a bit of coaching here and there and preparing for the Poc Fada, Davy hit disaster when playing for his club Sixmilebrige in the Clare Championship - a freak injury led to part of his finger needing to be reattached.
Said McNamara last week: “David and myself have spoken and hopefully, in a week or two, the medical advice for David will be that he can attempt a return.”
Fitzy himself has revealed that his doctors aren’t so keen on him returning by the fast track approach: “I’m going back, hopefully at the end of this month, even though the doctors think that I am mad to do so. But I have to try and at least I will be happy myself that way. If it works, it works and if it doesn’t it doesn’t.”
This is the stuff of legends - Talking Balls can hear the teamtalk -‘What are you prepared to do to win this game? Look at this man here, he had his finger chopped off and still played on.”
Talking Balls wishes Davy Fitz all the best and we hope to see him back in action in one piece very soon.
Tyrone Fail in the Their Bid For Five in a Row
Having won the last four McKenna Cups and lost the final of the one before that, Tyrone bowed out of this year’s competition tamely enough yesterday against a refreshed Donegal side.
Brian McIver had his lads away in Lanzarote on the team holiday and there’s nothing like a spell in the sun to brighten you up.
Maybe now Tyrone will get on with the real business of getting men fit and ready for a tilt at the Championship with the opportunity to deny Kerry their three in a row the big shiny carrot at the end of the stick. Better that than getting stuck like a rabbit in the floodlights of the McKenna Cup
Waterboys Suffer Parched Earth Policy Change
Would-be Gaelic and Athletic Bobby Bouchers face being restricted to the sidelines following Central Competitions Control Committee ruling that Maor Uisces will no longer be allowed access to the playing pitch.
Up until now county teams nominated two water boys who could double up as motivational assistants or handy men to have in the case of a row - reference John Toal for Armagh against Kerry in 2006.
New regulations means that players will have to make their way over to the side of the pitch to get their much needed fluids on board. The Waterboy will have his station there offering pure water right out of the old canteen or whatever other potions float their boat.
Apparently the sight of four waterboys on the field distributing water was ‘chaotic and fractious.’ Will it mean the end of scenes such as those noted on 2003 when Tyrone’s Eoin Mulligan gave Paul Hearty a bit of a hose down with the water bottle. Also from time to time players from opposing teams may wrastle over who should have a drink. All very juvenile we know but - hey - this is the GAA we’re talking about!
A special meeting has been set up by the PTB to discuss the matter with managers and secretaries on 24 January. It is hoped that it won’t lead to strike action.
Can the GAA Survive a Year Without Cork?
Fears are growing in Cork about the future of the Gaelic Athletic Association nationally should the Rebels strike continue. Feelings are running high in Cork that the action of their senior players will lead to the collapse of the GAA - commentators are reported to have said “Without Cork, they cannot function” and even if they did things wouldn’t be the same.”
At the minute Cork’s position in the national leagues is under no threat but if the player strike continues, it is believed that Cork could be slung out of the competitions or indeed they might have to withdraw. This would be the most humiliating experience for the rebels since they disgraced the GAA by their abject performance in this year’s All Ireland. That following on from the disgraceful scenes at Thurles during the summer. Of course they have a tradition of leaving Croke Park high and dry - witness the time they left before extra time was played in a national league game to ‘get the train’. Jimmy Dunne, chairman of Croke Park’s Central Competitions Control Committee, explained:
“We are aware that they had to pull out of a game earlier this week, but as far as we are concerned at the moment, Cork will be participating in both national leagues. We have fixed times, venues and officials for all of their games. If they have to give a walkover in their first game, then maybe we will have to review the situation and a decision might have to be taken on whether they are going to participate or withdraw.”
Among the likely scenarios if they do fail to fulfill league fixtures is a fine for the county board and suspensions for players who would be deemed not to have fielded. In extremis there is the potential scenario where Cork get thrown out of the GAA house by Big Brother up in Croker and have to reapply.
Talking Balls has a much more innovative solution which we will be passin’ on to our friends in the Cork football and hurling camps. We believe that the players should call off their current action, return to the fray but assert their right to go on strike at any time. So, at a crucial juncture during say a league match Donal Óg, instead of roaring ‘hurl away lads,’ would call a lightening industrial action of the field. If Big Dan’s bearing down on goal and Sully is about to bury him, he would on Donal Óg’s call, simply wave the big man through on goal. Ogie, in turn would nonchalantly step to the side, lean on an upright and direct Shanahan where to place his shot. On the puck out, a short pass to John Mullane and a quick duck to let the ball sail into the top corner. Enter Paul Morrissey or whoever the sub goalie is, Cusack withdrawn. Morrissey if he chose to cross the picket line would quite simply repeat the dose by flicking the ball out to the waiting Seamus Prendergast who would rifle in the Decies third goal in less that two minutes. Game over, strike over.
Now that’s what we call industrial action.
Alan Brogan Bounces His Way to Captaincy
Alan Brogan, the man with the biggest bounce in GAA-dom has been appointed captain of the Dubs for the coming season.
Some counties choose their captains based on the winners of the senior championship, others are chosen by the manager or indeed by the team based on ill-defined ideas of leadership. The Dubs, ever the innovators have come up with an interesting new way to select their leader.
Sources reveal the Dubs had a skills challenge to see who could bounce the ball the highest, further and best as part of a solo run. Alan Brogan won hands down with his unfeasibly higher bouncers - often taking him past several opponents before he regathered the ball.
It I hoped that a feature of his captaincy will be an end to the slabbering at others that besmirched many’s a day in Croker last summer.
Brogan led the Dublin U21 side to All-Ireland glory in 2003 and will be hoping to make it a double at senior level in the coming year.
One True Disbelief!
Confusion reigns in GAA-dom after Croke Park sent a letter to the prophets of gloom in One True Belief stating that no binding decision had been made on players’ grants. The good people of One True Belief led by prominent Tyroneman Mark Conway had sought a hearing with the dreaded DRA to challenge the Central Council decision to back the proposal. (The DRA are paid for their services you should know.)
Central Council instructed their solicitors to send back a letter pointing out that such a request was premature because ‘no binding decision’ had been taken.
Spokesman Fergal McGill said: “Central Council were presented with the grants proposal in December and they agreed to it in principle. There were a couple of caveats to that, one of them being that a mechanism for their distribution be found which would minimise the involvement of County Boards.
“In effect, they haven’t actually taken a decision, they have just adopted it in principle so, what the letter is saying is that, you can’t have a hearing against a decision that hasn’t yet been taken. Until such a time as Central Council formally adapt it and take away the phrase ‘in principal’ then you can go ahead down that road if you choose to do so.”
So there’s the catch - in principle they can take the case but only when the words in principle are taken away. Technically of course there’s no reason why the words in principle should ever be taken away is there?
The full statement of following the Central Council meeting on December 8th read: “Arising out of the unanimous decision of Ard Chomhairle at its meeting in February 2007 to authorise negotiations on the issue of government awards to GAA players, Ard Chomhairle now approves, in principle, the agreement reached in November 2007- subject to the establishment of an acceptable, centralised system for disbursement of funding. Recognising a concern expressed at various levels of the Association, Ard Chomhairle agrees that disbursement will not be made directly through County Boards and that details of a centralised system for disbursement, when finalised, will be presented to Ard Chomhairle for approval. Regarding the Association’s amateur status, Ard Chomhairle recognises the many concerns that have been expressed in the course of this debate. It asks all clubs and county committees to consider their compliance with the relevant rules and regulations and to submit their views and proposals prior to a full discussion on the preservation of our amateur status by Coiste Bainisti and Ard Chomhairle.”
Predictably Mark Conway is not amused. “The case we took to the DRA was based on the firm belief [note, not the One True Belief (Ed)] that Central Council broke Rule 11 on December 8th. Central Council had no more authority to break the rule than you or I. Then we got a letter back saying that no real decision was taken on December 8th. It is unbelievable. I’m totally amazed. The message was loud and clear in December (that agreement was reached) The GPA called off their threatened strike action. But contrary to the official press release no decision was taken. It is amazing and disappointing. In plain Tyrone language there is no binding decision which means there is nothing to appeal against.”
On a related matter, Irish golfer Graeme McDowell was unable to shed much light on the GAA world when he gave his sports predictions for 2008 but he did point out that as an amateur golfer he had benefited from Irish Sports Council Grants. If golf with its rigorous rule on amateur status can accept granting from a third party, is there a lesson for the rest of us?
Laochra Gael
The seventh season of TG4’s acclaimed Laochra Gael series threw-in last Thursday night and even Derry people had to admit how good Peter Canavan was when they watched the opening programme.
Each of the 10 programmes blends archive footage, personal reminiscence from the player and family members with assessments from team-mates, opponents, journalists, commentators and GAA historians. The great players profiled in this latest new series are Peter Canavan, Martin Storey, Tony Hanahoe, Mick Lyons, Noel Skehan, Jack O’Shea, Seán Óg de Paor, Anthony Daly, Ger Manas, Teddy McCarthy and Jimmy Doyle.
Cupla Faecal - Drugs and Sport
This week resident expert Ger Manas had to spend time at home with the wife after picking something Up. Gave him time to reflect on drugs, sport and the life of a drugs tester - now there’s one crap job!
There’s nothing worse than spending time at home with the wife if she’s in foul humour - I’ve had that pleasure for a few days now cos I had a bit of a dose of that novovirus or whatever they call it. At least I had an excuse… Ye can do nothing right no matter how hard ye try and she’s a face on her that would sour milk - God Knows I’m sure there’s many’s a fella knows how I feel about that.
I was reading there in the paper that 30% of women’s handbags have what they call evidence of ‘faecal bacteria’ on the bottoms of them from being set down in bathroom floors. F*** me thought I to meself. Ye know the way at dances and the like no woman can go to the bog until they all decide the want to go and then they’re all in there I suppose until they all decide to come back out again. To me it always meant the fellas could get an extra pint or two in but I’d a great laugh when I read that about the ‘faecal bacteria’. So not only can they go to the bog to talk shite, now they’re bringing it back out with them. Then they go home, they gets up the next day and sets the handbag down on the passenger seat of the oul Clio. Next thing is they’re atin a bit of salad out of Marks and Spencer or some of them fancy places and a bit lands on the car seat, she scoops that up into her gob and god forbid her car seat has some of the faecal bacteria off the bottom of the handbag. Well I dunno where I got my dose but it wasn’t good - hope it wasn’t some of that stuff anyway. Drugs couldn’t stop it - twas about as useful as trying to stop a cow shitin’ with a table tennis ball.
Anyway, when I felt a bit better I had the chance to go to hear an English lady called Michelle Verokken talk about drugs in sport. She used to be Head of Drugs Testing in UK Sport and now works for a crowd called Sporting Integrity.
I would say now listening to her that what she doesn’t know isn’t worth knowing about drugs. Aghast I was when she toul us the lengths that athletes go to cheat the drug testers. They will fill their drinking bottle with urine - usually someone else’s - and stroll into the testing bays. Then, when it’s time to produce the goods they’ll take a swoosh from the bottle and spit her into the testing bottle. No-one’s the wiser and the test’s passed alrite.
She also toul us, and I found this hard to believe but it’s true, that they have to check the genitals - no less - of the athlete to make sure they’re real. So yer man might have an oul falsie he can whip out to fool the testers. That’d be some job being trained to look for that! Also, they have these yokes they can hide in places best left to your imagination with a tube coming out and a wee reservoir of pee so that when the time comes they can sluice away. As for the glamour of the job, its great - she was at the last few Olympics and world championships and that - the downside sez Michelle - is that ye spend the entire time, in the toilets, testing athletes. With the new rules on doping and sport and all that stuff, they can track down where you were and what you were at if you missed a test. This is by checkin’ yer phone bills, credit card statements and the like. Apparently that’s how that big useless hoor Rio Ferdinand got caught out. I think too that sort of evidence nailed yer woman Marion Jones that got put away last week. Altho’ I felt sorry for that girl and her still with a wee wean ye have to say if you cheat chances are ye’ll get caught.
Listening to Michelle now I thought of some of the gabshites I have met playin’ football. These club fellas with their three tins of Red Bull before and during a game - gives them wings? Me hole - makes them even more energetic at being worse. She reckoned athletes need specific guidance on what drugs to take for colds and flu’s. I can see some of our fellas that never bought a tablet in their life on an away trip with the county - the head gets sore, they get a toothache or the piles is playin’ up - whatever. Next thing buy a few tablets without looking at the sidebar and when the testers arrived he’s f***ed, stigmata-ed, and branded a drugs cheat. These fellas and girls is still amateur no matter what anyone says. They might gat a few euro from the government and the Irish Sports Council might be stipulatin’ this and that about drugs testing as a condition but when you compare some of our fellas with these other punters - cyclists, sprinters, jumpers, weight lifters - when’s the last time there was a clean 100 metre run?
I’d be worried now that our athletes need a bit more education because listening to yer woman we’re not even at the races. She was telling us too how over 40 per cent of the athletes in the Sydney Games had medication for asthma - far more than the proportion in the general population. This year too the Brits athlete body is giving their athlete the right supplements so they can deal with the smog in Beijing. That’s like teams from the loughshore getting special stuff to keep the midgees away. She talked too about the ideal athletic physique - it varies by sport and can be developed by working specific groups of muscle. At the most extreme end of the spectrum ye could have cyclists with big aerodynamic humps on their backs made of neck muscle or maybe a special implant.
Is this shite I’m talking? No it’s not - already them black runners from Kenya and Ethiopia have more red blood cells from living up the mountains - they only come down to kick the white man’s ass when it comes to long distance running. Nature’s selected them boys. So will it be particular training or maybe genetic selection that determines the next generation of players. They used to joke that a few Tyrone women should go off down the country to breed with big men from Meath and Kerry and the likes so Tyrone could have big progeny! I suppose the girls was doin’ that anyway of their own bat. Imagine a lad that had the strength of Tohill, the aggression of Galvin, the skills of Gooch, the height of Donaghy, the engine of Dooher, the mouth of Brolly, the brain of McGuigan, the arse of Geoffrey McGonigle, and the biceps of McGeeney. Sure that’d be some sort of hoor of a fella. Compared to the boys at the minute with the shooting skills of Paul Hearty, the Brain of a mule, and the arse of a baboon - ye get the picture.
The point is where’d ye draw the line? I suppose the point about club teams is the playing is the drug and the challenge is watching fellas play against the odds and see what sort of job they make of it. Just this week, after going to the lecture I was thinking the wife must be on drugs, that or else she’s genetically modified to short circuit with me.