Talking Balls Issue 36 - Well Informed Ignorance
Talking Balls No Comments »Deck Squareball With Boughs of Holly
Right folks, this is it - the last week to get your Squareball gear for Christmas so get off your ass and get shoppin’ if you haven’t already.
The gloves are off here in headquarters and our army of layabout students are flat out packing presents for Gaels worldwide. We’re sending Hendrix tee-shirts to Seattle, Hurleys to Sioux Falls, South Dakota. We’ve got a batch of Last Tickets going to the Vatican and the Louvre and a set of the new Wear Protection shirts going off to the London Rubber Company. The RSPB have requested some Birds are Better and a well known manufacturer of leather trous has asked for a consignment of Missing a Stud - so you can see we’re flat to the floor here.
This week a message from Talking Balls. At this time of Messianic glory, remember those less fortunate then yourself, the tired, the hungry, the huddled at midnight masses. Remember, not everyone you meet is part of the best sporting organization in the entire world - committed as we are to our awesome gaelic games and all things Irish - week in, week out. Rejoice, rejoice and ding dong merrily on high if you can.
Make sure someone has got you one of those Sam 07 or Liam 07 DVDs so you can recline, sur votre derriere all Christmas afternoon and wistfully reflect on days spent in Croker during the summer. Quaff on something nice and tasty - whatever quenches your particular thirst.
Also remember that Christmas is about giving but most of all it’s about spending quality time with your family, chillin’ out and remembering the true meaning of Christmas.
For everyone else, there’s no Talking Balls for a couple of weeks so you’ll have to make do with Cold Turkey!
Our Christmas List for Santa
Like everyone else, Talking Balls’ team is hoping that Santa will swing his big bag out of the sleigh and drop down our chimneys with a few festive delights for us to savour. Here is our letter to Santa:
Dear Santa,
Every year Christmas promises so much and sometimes it delivers like Brian McGuigan but other times, like Kieran McDonald, things can be a bit wide of the mark. It’s been a tough year trying to keep track on all the to-ings and fro-ings so we’d really like a new disciplinary code that we can snuggle down with in front of the log fire and read to our heart’s content. No more dodgy decisions at the DRA about paperwork in Irish, no more Hercule Poirot-style did-he-didn’t-he detective stories like the Paddy Bradley saga or epics like the Semplegate affair. No, can we have a straightforward process that people understand thank you very much.
And Santa, we’re not greedy as you know from last year, but we would also like to see a bit of peace and goodwill. The Gaelic and Athletic is full of old bodgers spoiling for a fight about anything so if there’s any oul chance of you sorting out this grants saga that would be great. What we have now is everyone who wants to getting airtime belting out their views for and against. For and against what? There’s been pay for coach, pay for administrate, pay for full time county official, pay for Director General, pay for provincial people, pay for foreign worker that makes those tasty cheesy bacon pastry jobs in Premier in Croker, pay for medal ceremonies, pay for wearing puma and adidas, pay for Renozole (remember the lads with a sheep between their legs - ahhh the good ole days…). People have been coining it for years so let’s not be too hypocritical or hypothetical now.
Also, we like the new Tyrone jersey. Can we ask Santa, that the next time our club is lookin’ for a new shirt that we can have a bit more individuality and that a manufacturer out there will be able to offer a bit of choice instead of an off-the-shelf-change-the-colour type affair. Is that too much to ask? Also we would like to see more camogie on the telly. We went to their All Stars and jaza what an eye-opener that was. Some of them blades should be on the catwalk. And with all that skill, please can you deliver to the lovely ladies that run the camogie association a bit of gumption on how to get on the telly - a bit like them wimmin’s footballers TG4 have on of a Saturday evening and fair play to them for it.
And we would like some better marketing of our games - unrivalled the games may be but unrivalled the advertising isn’t. With millions of shekels going in TV rights you’ll see pretty damn quick the powers that be will lose control of marketing their own product and the Bank of Estonia, Bodyform, Red Bull and whoever else win the pitch for the advertising partners will soon develop their own marketing so Santa, sort it out.
And can we have more ‘parity of esteem’ in provincial championships? We’re sick of Munster men (mainly from Kerry) bleatin’ about how good they are - aye right and very handy when you only have to play two or three hard games - not like Ulster when you bate the shite out of each other and ye’re only a couple of hundred yards further down the road. This year will be no exception.
The other things we hope we get Santa is plenty of oul craic out of our managers and that means keeping the characters in the game so can we have plenty of the Richie Bennis, Ger Loughnane, Eamon ‘empty the tank’ McEneaney, Jackson Kiely type fellas that are ready with a witty remark or a manic rant whether things goes right or wrong.
On the pitch we want plenty of good football and stickwork and off it and bit of leadership from the PTB and no more bollixing about with rifts and talks of breakaways.
Anyway, watch yourself on our chimney - there’s a bit of loose brick a man like you could rip yer bag on. Look out for the dog too - she has a thing about people wearing red and white - we got her from Oisin McConville - but her bark’s worse than her bite.
Oh and Santa, most of all, and if you can’t manage any of the other stuff this one thing will do on its own… can we have Brian McGuigan back?
Happy Christmas Santa,
from Talking Balls.
PS We left you a bottle of Club Energise with the bottle of Bushmills. We’ll kill you and cure you at the same time - Talking Balls giveth taketh away.
All I Want for Christmas is…
You know what? We went out round the counties, tried to talk to some of the personalities out there and interrupted training to ask various people what we think they wanted for Christmas. Well, exclusively for Talking Balls there’s some interesting answers we think they might have given us…
Mickey Harte: ‘We’d like these college teams out of the McKenna Cup. They’re not in a place we want them to be.’
Eamon McEneaney: ‘I’m getting a new tank. I’m not sure what we’re going to do with it but we’ll use it in training for something…’
Pillar Caffrey: ‘Not to be on duty in Croker on All Ireland Sunday…’
Dan Shanahan: ‘I’d like to be judged on how many All Irelands I’ve won…’
Gooch Cooper: ‘Some new things to toy with… maybe a Power Rangers motorbike set.’
Michael Shields: ‘I’m a Cork defender, get me out of here…’
Dessie Farrell: ‘A world free from Malcontents…’
Mark Conway: ‘A world free from Dessie Farrells…’
Oisin McConville: ‘€5 on Cross to win the All Ireland - just for old time’s sake…’
Ryan McMenamin: ‘A signed copy of Oisin’s book… normally I leave my mark all over him so it’d be a nice change.’
Paddy Bradley: ‘Nothing. Got my All Star so I’m happy.’
Donal Óg: ‘To get to play for Cork one last time…’
Ger Loughnane: ‘A time machine… why’d I ever take on dis job?’
Nickey Brennan: ‘I don’t believe in fellas getting gifts for nothing but sure I’ll go along with this Christmas lark for the sake of it.’
Kieran McGeeney: ‘Half a ton of fruit, a new DVD of Any Given Sunday, new weights in every room in the bathroom, Martin Johnson for Christmas lunch, Lance Armstrong for tea and the head of any boy from Kildare that’s a slacker.’
Liz Howard: ‘I’m perfectly happy the way I am.’
Paul Galvin: ‘Captaining the historic three in a row team.’
Ger Manas: ‘A bit of f***in peace and quiet. The next hoor that talks to me about a strike or pay per view I’ll give them the wildest boot in the hole they ever got. ‘
The Office WAG: ‘I’m delighted to hear the players have negotiated a big package - I’m a big fan of player welfare so the more I have to work with the better.’
Loughnane tells Critics ‘You’re right!’
Ger Loughnane has long been known for having one of the brassiest necks in hurling so him agreeing with criticism of himself is no great surprise. It has however had the surprising effect of taking the wind out of the sails of those who criticized him.
Loughnane was criticized by Tribesmen hurling stalwarts Bernie O’Connor and Mike Ryan for their crap performance last season and among other things the alleged naming of four different teams. Nice to be in a position to actually name four teams but it helps if at least one of them is any use. Loughnane also shipped criticism for his performance on the line. Sez the boul Ger:
“Looking at what they said, it’s very hard to disagree. It’s very hard to disagree with the fact that the year was a disappointment for everyone - for players, management, county board, everyone. Last summer would have to go down as disappointing. I wouldn’t disagree with them in the slightest over that.”
So there you are readers, if anyone criticizes you, just do a Ger and say: ‘You’re right!’
Like a Cork on Troubled Waters
The row in Cork over selectors seems set to bubble along nicely for another while. As the players prepare for their New Year’s holiday in Brazil and Argentina, there seems no sign of a resolution in sight and, although some commentators have suggested that the hurlers have now managed to get involved in a row that wasn’t theirs to get involved in the dispute shows no sign of abatement.
That’s despite two votes by the county board endorsing the new selectorial arrangements. Reports in the weekend papers point to the visibly reduced role of the likes of Frank Murphy, the legendary uber-runai who one observer described as calling a torrent of changes to Jimmy Barry Murphy as opposed to simply writing out sub slips under Donal O Grady.
As for suggestions that Cork may field alternate teams if the current panelists maintain their on strike status news has emerged that Newtownshandrum have issued a hands off warning to the county board about their players - unequivocally stating they don’t want a situation where some of their club players were non playing striking county players and others were non striking playing county players. How would they sort that out for club games?
Players have apparently been advised to prepare for a year out of action for the county. The upshot of all this seems to be a level of simmering dislike that has finally bubbled to the surface. Managers of players’ commercial diaries, corporate dinners for the players’ fund, closed shop re: squad selection, disaffection that John Allen’s successor wasn’t chosen from among his backroom team, Co Board determination to remove Billy Morgan. All these issues have contributed and created what Malcolm Gladwell called the ‘tipping point’. It may just mean that the Cork footballers and hurlers as we know them may never be seen again.
What is obvious is that some of the folks involved seem to genuinely not to like each other. As our Squareball Founder Lairdo pointed out in another place, where has the fun gone?
The Family Letter
It’s Christmas time, there’s every need to be afraid.
Yes, If you like us have a relative that thinks you are interested in the minutiae of their pathetic sad family life, obsessed as they are by living their lives through their children and agonising over every ingrown toenail, every headache and every embarrassing family foible. If you have that relative you will have received one of those over exuberant family update letters. We have received one from a dear relative in the deep South. Unfortunately cousin Willie Murphy doesn’t have the wit to prevent his American wife Cassandra embarrass him to all his family. In fact she revels in the achievements of children, Francie, Seamie, Isidora and the youngest Iseult. Read it and weep…
Happy Christmas everyone, or as we would say back home Seeyousoons Greetings!!! Well, it’s that time of year again. I can’t believe it’s nearly 2008. Francie has got sooo big and strong, it only seems like yesterday he was splashing about in the bath with his wee men. Now he’s up at University in Dublin and things seem to be going great. Last year we were wondering how he’s settling in but this year he seems happier in his student house and playing football and hurling with St Joseph’s has been such a great help although the coach doesn’t seem to understand him.
Seamie too has become a big strong boy - he’s sooo good at football and hurling, we are so happy he is sooo popular with the other lads and especially the girls. He took a beautiful girl called Lucy to the school formal, although there was a bit of an alarm when her tooth brace got caught in the zip of his trousers when she was bending down to pick up an earring she’d dropped in the back of his friend Kevin’s dad’s car. The emergency dentist waived his fee - for some reason he thought the entire episode very funny.
Isidora too has been getting on so well at football and camogie. She is just like her brothers - sooo talented and so good at both games - Willie and I love to go along and shout encouragement with the other mums and dads. There’s almost like a wee competition now to see who can shout the loudest cheering on the children. I would say if there was a trophy Willie would win it. He’s sooo loud and his shouting has become quite a trademark of his at matches. So many of the coaches tell me the children take after him and are sooo like him. I like to think they have a little bit of me in them too after all I was as much part of the process as Willie, in fact he and I are sooo alike you’d nearly think there was a bit of him in me too. Anyway, Isidora is the best of the camogie players at picking up the ball and she can carry it the whole length of the pitch on her own bat without dropping it and the other children don’t even put her off when they’re calling for it.
Little Iseult is such a good wee athlete too - she loves dancing and she’s sooo good at it that they’ve already let her dance in a few little feis competitions. Willie loves seeing her doing so well, she really is the apple of his eye and he always makes a point of rushing along to watch her dancing. I could feel myself getting quite flushed at the feis when he did his big shout - so many of the other parents thought it was really great - I could see them giggle and whisper to each other. But that’s my Willie.
So it’s been a great year overall for the children. Francie has been working so hard at university - he needs to pass all his exams this time to stay on so we have the teacher that coached him when he was doing his inter cert help him at weekends. That’s of course when he’s not playing sport. He’s got such a big strong kick and I’ve never seen a boy that can run sooo fast in a straight line. Seamie worked really hard to get onto the county hurling squad along with two other lads from the club and even though he didn’t really get playing all the games he did really sooo well. I was so proud of him - he looks so like his dad on the pitch, so tall and handsome.
Iseult is the same as Isidora. She is very competitive and sooo much better than all the other young girls and boys at hurling and football. Practice is very important for her and to Willie and I and we make a point of getting her there even with our busy schedules. Sometimes we’re so busy and focused in our own lives that we may end up being late but the coaches are so dedicated and generous that they will stay on til’ every child is picked up. It’s almost as good as a babysitter!
Willie and I continue to be very much in love. It only seems like yesterday that we got married and I still remember the first time we kissed round the back of the parish hall. Willie still behaves like I’m a Christmas present that he’s trying to get the wrapping off in a hurry - he’s such a big love. It was great this year that his hernia problem didn’t come back, for a while he was looking sooo big down there and people must have thought I had a real handful on my hands looking after him. I work as best I can - even though he’s away a lot from home. He has a new partner at work, Clarissa, she’s a lovely looking girl and they have some brilliant new customers all over Europe that they have to go and see a lot.
Anyway, we hope that your 2007 has been as brilliant as ours and I sooo look forward to catching up with you in 2008.
Hugs, from Cassandra, Willie and our Wonderful Children
Don’t Dump the Bag Without Thinking About It First
Resident Expert Ger Manas gives us his seasonal message and at this festive time, urges a bit of reflection rather than urgent action.
I used to manage a fella a while back called Donnacha somethin or other, called himself Donny. Was the uselessest hoor I ever came across - aside from soundin’ like a failed American popstar he was cat at playin ball and no craic at all. When the other fellas drank pints, he dranks halfuns of cider with ice like a big woman. The lads up in Talking Balls were tellin’ me that there’s some boy Donny has an article done for the Irish News - couldn’t be the same fella - next thing they’ll be gettin’ that fella Boy George to talk about Gaelic Football!
This time last year for Christmas the wife opened one of the telephone bookies accounts for me - I figured great job, there was a killing to be made on matches, what with me knowin’ the players and a bit about games and so on. Well I never really made that much use of the whole thing to be honest now - there was definitely no killings to be made in the end up - I just got me end of year statement thru’ and she’s not good and SHE’s not happy altho’ she can gwan te f*** as twas her opened the account not me. Even the one match I did fancy to throw up a bit of oul craic was the hurlin’ - Antrim again’ Galway but then sure yer man got sent off and Galway roasted their asses. I suppose Sligo was the only surprise last season and sure then they went up to Croker and got bate by Cork. Dung and Dunger was the story that day. I’ll never forget Eamon O’Hara swanning around Croker in his yella boots. He looked the part all right but he was for f*** all. I remember that day too the ball rolled between Eoin Milligan’s legs in the Meath and Tyrone match - poor oul Mugsy - I knew he was banjaxed when that happened. And then Geraghty scored that goal where he spooned the ball over Devine as if he was pushing some fat yoke up a step ladder with both hands. Couldn’t have had better results.
No twasn’t a great year for myself with the bookmakers and there aren’t that many standout memories on the football scene that I can remember. I was flat out mind you here and there giving talks and courses about football and hurling and the like but I think I’ll give that up. I was doing a coaching course one day down the country and this smelly oul bastard, just looked like he was in from the sheep or whatever he was at, fell asleep when I was talking about tactics playin’ again’ the wind with 13 men. The ould hoor then woke up and stood up and told me I was a borin’ hoor and who did I think I was coming down there te tell him about playin’ football sure hadn’t he won and All Ireland in the fifties hisself. This boy was one of the ‘I worked for twenty three hours and then went straight onto the pitch, played midfield and scored 5-2 from play.’
Anyway, the point of all of this is that I’m getting’ no younger and I heard there the other day of a fella I knew dropped dead with a brain haemorrhage. I suppose in some ways that’s a good enough way to go but Jaze I think I’ve a bit of unfinished work to do yet before I go to thon place. I hear that fella up in Tyrone, Conway, sez the fun’s gone out of the GAA for him. Young McAnallen’s brother has resigned too from some position he has. What do I think about all of that? Well, there’s been many’s a change over the year since I started out and the danger is that ye get bogged in to the axles in what you’re doing and ye need time every year to reverse her back and take a look over the horizon. Is this the same association it was five years ago, ten years ago, twenty years ago? No way. As soon as we brought in the qualifiers I could only see the thing goin’ one way but sure the product and the profile hasn’t been higher has it? Tyrone and Dublin play in a Mickey Mouse league match in the middle of winter under lights and hey presley it’s the biggest thing in the GAA. Twas like an All Ireland Final sez some of them boys - except it wasn’t - but I’ll tell ye in a few years big matches under lights that are finals won’t be unusual. Remember too, these were the two teams that hoofed the dung out of each other the year before in Omagh and were guilty of all sorts. Things will change an’ us with them.
On the other hand I was doing stuff for our club the day before the grants was announced and the day after and I made not a hate of difference - it was still better craic than anything else I could have been doing that day. Our club had a load of young players out learning a basic coachin’ course there one day and they were a sight to behold. The craic they had was ninety - county men, club men, boys that’s finished, boys that’s never started and boys that should never be let near a ball in the first place. Laughin’ and kyeehoein’ their heads off. Life goes on. My philosophy is that you should do something that ye enjoy only while yer enjoyin’ it. If that goes stop. But give her a break for a week or two and ye’ll find more often than not that the spark comes back. Might be a phonecall from someone lookin’ a trophy returned or some boy looking a strip maybe’s in your garage. Might be someone calls at the house and sez come on up to the pitch and give me a hand here. Or it might be someone doing what you wanted all along and that might be just sayin’ thanks for what ye did, now come on back here, things mightn’t be perfect but sure if they were perfect it wouldn’t be the GAA.
I heard a story about a fella playin’ golf, good golfer he was too with a low handicap. He went round on captain’s day and was pure shite and at the eighteenth he’s had enough so he takes off the bag and, complete with plutonium drivers and titanium putters he fires the whole job into the lake and storms off into the clubhouse in a mad rage. Everyone upstairs is spluttering into their G&Ts laughing and the same time aghast at the breach of etiquette. After a while the things calms down, next thing they notice yer man comes back out and wades out into the lake and starts bending down into it rootin’ about. What the f***’s he at they thought. Well, he’d left his car keys in the golf bag and couldn’t get the beamer home so he had to go back. Simple message - don’t throw yer bag into the lake unless you’ve made sure you haven’t left the keys in it. But, if ye have to go back think about bringing the bag back with ye too - ye never know when ye might fancy a round. Okay??
Anyway, enuff shite from me. Remember of ye can do someone a good turn this Christmas - do it. I’ll hopefully be back in the New Year if the contract’s renewed. I’ll be tellin’ ye about my New Year’s resolutions then. In the meantime, it’s been great writin’ this shite all year but even better for ye lot readin’ it. Happy Christmas and straight shootin’ in 08.