Talking Balls Issue 33 - Well Informed Ignorance
Talking Balls No Comments »Some things are certain in life and more’s the pity. Crossmaglen win finals - that’s a fact - ye could put the house on it and some probably do. There’ll be rows at club championship matches - guaranteed. The Pope’s catholic of course and Sean Brady is now a Cardinal.
On his elevation Cardinal Brady swore to serve the church ‘usque ad sanguinis effusionem‘ - ‘to the point of giving blood’ - a promise he last made when lining out for the Cavan minor footballers a few years back.
A great day for Cavan it was - we can reveal under the terms of the deal that Pope Benedict will say a mass in Breffni Park during his soon to be arranged visit to Ireland - no longer will folks say Cavan haven’t had a prayer in Breffni for years. Hopefully at least Benedict will be able to take in a match during his time.
We may even need him to intercede on God’s behalf as D Óg continues his holy row with the Powers that Be over the grants issues.
Elsewhere we have a new Director General - the popular Monaghan-man Padraic Duffy has been elevated to the post - is he or Cardinal Brady now the leader of Ireland’s most popular religion?
If you are religious - remember to say your prayers, if your not, there’s always Talking Balls.
Brady for Pope and Cavan for Sam
Former Cavan Minor Archbishop Sean Brady was created a Prince of the Church over the weekend in Rome. Cardinal Brady of course is a passionate supporter of gaelic football so Talking Balls was delighted to See him on a solo run round the Vatican even if there isn’t a satellite club in the city - something maybe our man from Cavan may rectify. Ye’d think with all them priests and brothers over there they could manage to set up the Vatican St Veronicas.
According to the Indo the craic was ninety at the investiture with gaelic gags galore. President McAleese suggested that Cardinal Brady’s elevated status might help Cavan football’s fortunes adding:
“Previous experience from Antrim and Dublin mind you are not very encouraging. But neither Cardinal Daly nor Cardinal Connell actually togged out for their country unlike our new Cardinal.”
Pretty much like the President herself we might add. Cardinal Brady apparently said the day was like winning the Sam Maguire, a view echoed by a number of the other Cardinals. A fellow Cavan man, obviously awash with pints of stout and a jab or two of poitin, tipped Cardinal Brady to be the next Pope to which Sean replied: “Let’s not lose the run of ourselves.”
An interesting thought then, Pope Patrick I throwing in the ball at Croke Park on the third Sunday in September, a few years hence.
Well, Cardinal Brady for Pope is more likely than Cavan for Sam.
Disgraceful Reporting Mars Row
The papers this morning are full of bluster about the ‘disgraceful scenes’ that marred the Moorefield and Dromard second replay. ‘Appalling Scenes as Second Replay Descends into Violence’ screamed the indo - obviously they’ve been watching Noel Thompson too much.
In true gaelic and athletic style, the row broke out towards the end of the game with both benches emptying as people who should have known better got involved and added their h’pennyworth. This we might add is not an unusual event in club championship matches this time of year as you will know - take note Clontibret v Crossmaglen a few weeks back and the infamous Ballymacnab v Stewartstown fracas in Ulster last year.
Yesterday’s hanlin’ had all the usual ingredients for a successful row and - even better - for a po-faced response from the media and the PTB. All it needs is a BBC camera or a Belfast Telegraph photographer and we’ll be home and hosed.
‘Worryingly,’ Cliona Foley of the Indo piously tells us ‘some small children who had got inside the perimeter also ran into the middle of the chaos.’ No doubt the children can expect a lengthy ban.
Actually all this nonsense about children and rows at matches - remember Thurlesgate, the crime wasn’t the belts but the weans that were watching - reveals Ms Foley mustn’t be too close to a real GAA club. In Talking Balls‘ experience youngsters love nothing better than to see a good melee, in fact they will invariably be seen loitering about the fringes and can relate chapter and verse about who hit who - y’know the sort. Seamus got kicked in the nuts by their number six and then Bernard came in a busted his nose - there was blood everywhere - I could see his brains.
Like, it’s not as if one of the pugilists will burst one of the Óg supporters is it? ‘That wee fecker’s wearing a Dromard hoodie so I’m gonna bust his jaw with this oul handbag I have here.’
No, kids are much too sprightly and agile for the average club player. The nearest Talking Balls has been to kids getting injured at a match was after an Intermediate Championship Final in Derry when Derry player Jane Carey deliberately collapsed the team line-up for the victorious Eoghan Rua team and a wee two year old fella called Peter ended up stuck under someone’s skort. A scary thought. Yes, youngsters love all the brouhaha round matches - keeps them talking for, oh twenty minutes at least. Talking Balls nephews used to regularly hang round the periphery of half-time team talks to hear the bad language - they could write a litany of teamtalks. Disgraceful altogether.
Oh, and by the way no-one was even booked after the hostilities finished yesterday. Sure it was all a bit of a shemozzle.
Alright there Big Lad?
Talking Balls watched with great satisfaction as the England soccer team suffered the humiliation of failing to qualify for the Euro 2008. The only disappointment was that when they fail miserably in the Finals of one of these competitions, it usually offers even greater satisfaction but we are where we are.
Having employed singer Tony Henry to sing the two anthems, the Croatian team sang along happily to their tune until a translation error led Mr Henry to croon ‘Mila kura si planina’ instead of ‘Mila kuda si planina’. To those Talking Balls readers not fluent in Serbo Croat this means he sang ‘My dear, my penis is a mountain’ instead of the more lyrical but less tumescent ‘You know my dear how we love your mountains.’
Talking Balls has opened negotiations with his agent Douglas Gillespie to see if we can get him for Croke Park. What he can make of the Valley of Slievenamon if Tipp are playing is anyone’s guess.
To be fair to the big fella, he did say afterwards: “The last thing I would do is brag about my parts like that - especially to make it so public.” Talking Balls indeed.
GPA told ‘Ye Can’t Have Yer Cake Cos Someone Else Ate it Lads…
Fears are growing that the much vaunted €5 million the GPA have their beady eyes trained on may no longer be available. Sports Minister Seamus Brennan has admitted that there is no budget allocation for players in next year’s plans.
“If we had to pay money out next year I’d have to go looking for it,” adding that he would have to rob peter to pay paul and therein piss off a few other sporting organisations.
“There’s no specific line in the budget for it now but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t do something. The Sports Council is there, there’s a sports budget there, and I can always move other projects around if I had to.”
Brennan did reveal he would see what he could do and took the time to slurp up to the GPA: “My position is that the GPA are a great bunch of people, they give up their time, their welfare has to be looked after and I think it’s our job to make sure their welfare is looked after.
He very generously stated: “Everyone knows the contribution the GAA has made to Ireland, and it’s government’s job to bring these two together in a way that acknowledges and says thanks to both sides.”
Talking Balls thought Government’s job was to run the country efficiently and effectively, look after health and welfare, security and the economy. What next, will elections be fought on a given party’s ability to support inter-county players? Me hole.
“I’m happy that, given the goodwill on all sides, the discussions that are going on now should lead to concrete proposals within a week,” he added. The three sides met earlier this week and will meet again before the weekend. This all comes as the Down county squads feel the need to publicly stress their support for the GPA. The cynics here in Talking Balls headquarters were speculating that the Down players maybe thought there was a handy oul All Ireland on the cards if they stayed playing while everyone else did the Arthur Scargill. Then reality dawned and they realised their best was still worse that any bunch of junior players the other counties might field.
Seamus Brennan concluded: “the best negotiations are often when nobody gets everything they want but everyone can hold their head high and have got someone from the negotiations that their members can be happy with. I don’t expect everyone to be ecstatic about any negotiations, but I do think we can arrive at satisfactory conclusions,” he said.
Here’s hoping Donal Óg, Geezer and Dessie all end up with happy members.
Ready, Teddy… Stop
Rebels by name, rebels by nature. The Cork footballers have told Teddy Holland that they won’t be playing for him unless the rows that have broken out in Cork are sorted. Firstly it is considered provocative by the Cork County Board to have appointed a successor to Billy Morgan whilst the row over selectors is still simmering if not reaching boiling point.
The other night the Cork players’ motion for the Co Board to rescind their decision was defeated more than 77 to 35. A compromise motion was put in place that stated he would have input in choosing his team of selectors.
Holland now looks ,like a bit of a stooge because he has shown himself to be prepared to take the job on without picking his own back up team and thereby undermining himself in the eyes of players. While they were at it the players also fell out with the Co Board over a €150,000 deal with Coca Cola - they have their own arrangement with Club Energise. To be fair the story goes that they were prepared to compromise so that both Coca Cola and Club Energise but the Cork Co Board weren’t having it.
According to reports yesterday Cork inter-county players have been told to prepare for a year off. Bleak times ahead then?
And, just to round off a bad week for Cork, favourite son Roy Keane watched on Saturday in disbelief as his Sunderland team were hockeyed 7-1 by Everton. Not a good week to be a Rebel.
Twenty Nine Years’ Service, and I Get the Freedom of Longford?
As the Powers that Be announce that Padraic Duffy is the new Director General, the outgoing DG Liam O’Mulvihill or Willie Mulvihill has been honoured.
Yes, Liam O’Mulvihill has been honoured in his home county by being given the Freedom of County Longford. And, according to super-pundit Eugene McGee, this is the highest honour available in the County.
In the dark nights arguing over rules 21 and 42 and when the Brits were still in Cross and when the Aussies kicked the shit of our boys in Croke Park and during all the other crises since 1979, what kept the boul Liam going was the knowledge that one day, just one day he would be given the freedom of Longford.
Strike off Pat
Tyrone’s Co Chairman Pat Darcy seems to be diametrically opposed to his county manager Mickey Harte in his views on the consequences should the GPA strike go ahead. Sez Pat:
“Strikes by their very nature end up as ugly affairs. Trust is lost. Blame and counter blame dominate. Bitterness prevails. This is already happening. Relationships breakdown and divisions may take years to heal.”
“There has been no debate within the GAA on this matter and the members and units have not been consulted. GAA members are bound by the amateur code as laid down in Rule 11 of the official guide. The GPA need to acknowledge that the GAA have difficulties in this respect. My own county committee monitors the expenses paid by clubs to managers and coaches on an annual basis. Yes, some people cheat on Rule 11 but that does not make it right. The difficulty is in finding evidence to charge offenders under Rule 11.”
“The difference with the grants payment scenario is that payment would be open and public. Evidence would be available that the rule is being breached.”
“Whatever the outcome on the grants issue it must be in compliance with the rules and amateur status. You cannot have a situation whereby players are being suspended almost weekly for breaches of playing rules while other rules do not matter.”
Most interestingly he suggests that fielding substitute teams would not be a good idea:
“It may not be wise to attempt fielding substitute teams. Not all county committees and county managers may agree and even if they did, substitute players may be open to vilification and ridicule from striking colleagues. Splits may emerge in clubs and counties between players on strike and colleagues who play. Such a scenario could tear the GAA apart and should be avoided at all costs.”
Is Ireland then facing the biggest division in its history since partition and the civil war? Perhaps Mickey Harte has forgotten about the divisions in his own club at the time Ballygawley that led to a split and ultimately the formation of uber-club Errigal Ciaran?
A Plungin’ Neckline’s Alright… So Long as Ye Don’t Fall in…
Ger Manas is looking forward to the Christmas season - gives him a chance to let the hair down - what’s left of it - stuff the Turkey and hang his balls up on the Christmas tree. In the meantime there’s the dinner dance season to negotiate. . .
I always enjoy Christmas time - mebbe it’s thinkin’ back to one time I was workin in New York and jaze they had all the trappins you see on the telly about hoors skatin’ about the place, roastin their nuts. Big bunches of holly and ivy round the joint - bein’ Yanks their Christmas is bigger, louder, and more expensive than anywhere else but jaze it’s some craic. The sad part is Irish folks sittin in the states wishin’ they were somewhere else. I suppose it’s better than sittin in the middle of Leitrim or in the wilds of Mayo wishin’ you were somewhere else away from the ball freezing cold but that’s the dilemma.
That oul Thanksgivin’ Malarkey the Yanks have is a rare enough handlin’. Sounds to me like some boy got bored and thought we need an oul holiday in November so we’d better do something about it. They ate turkey and other crap till the cows come home - it’s like they need a feed to get them revved up before Christmas starts properly.
Wouldn’t work in Ireland cos the way things is goin’ fellas would still be playin football this time of the year and wouldn’t be fit to go anywhere to ate feeds. The other’d be the case anyhow - I am hearing how a few of the Derry lads have been put on a diet - fat hoors - imagine bein’ on a county team and being toul yer too fat. That Colin Corkery fella would have needed counselling. Anyway, Paddy Crozier or McCloskey or some of them, fellas reckons these players is atin too much spuds and pasta so they’ve been put on a protein diet - that’s meat and chicken if any of ye dumb asses are readin’!
Ye can just see the players sittin all po-faced, straight-as-a-die telling the dietician fella yes, I eat a lot of spaghetti and past, the odd bit of risotto and spuds. Never mentioned the five bags of crisps, tins of fizzy juice, bags of maltesers, the odd Mars bar and more. Washed down with pizza, chinese, chips…and buckets of beer - the lot. There was one of these hoors in the nephew’s house one night and he ate one of them Domingoes pizzas quick as ye ever saw. He was the greediest hungriest hoor I have seen and I’ve seen fellas with tapeworms demolish tables of stuff. Maybe they should give the Derry players worms - now there’s a thought.
What I like about this time of the year is the oul dinner dance season. Normally I get to one or two of these and they can be wile nights altogether. Ye see fellas that’s been on the wagon come falling off and get trailed along the ground written off as the wagon disappears over the hill - not to be seen again for months. The shite talking that goes on is unreal. Then there’s arguments - over plates of rubber chicken - over who should get the player of the year. Then there’s some of the younger lads with the tails up givin’ the glad eye to a few of the camogs or women’s footballers. In one do I was at the camogie team I’d coached went round selling ballot tickets for a draw. Well now I didn’t recognise these dolls from the muck savages I’d coached - they’d a ripped the drawers of anyone got in their way going for the ball. But here we are at the dinner dance - they were like f***in Miss Universe with cleavages like the grand Canyon. At one stage I thought they came round our table and I was afraid I was going to fall in and had to grab houl of the leg of the table to steady mesel. Turned out it wasn’t the leg of the table either but this oul wan I’d grabbed with the hair coloured ‘platinum’ she toul me and the make up shovelled on and she gave me a look would have frozen any man’s heart. Talk about between rock and the hard place. I ended up spending about twenty quid on tickets cos I was all flustered and the girls were fluttering and glittering at me. I get red when I walk into the dressin’ room and they mightn’t be ready so I felt like a right oul hoor - the girls loved it though and slagged the balls of me. Turned out not so bad tho’ I won a bottle of brandy and a ‘treatment’ at an aromatherapy place. I didn’t know what that was so I gave the oul wan the aromatherapy kit - she looked like she could do with some smelling salts and I decided to drink the brandy which wasn’t a good idea.
Anyway, the dinner dance season over the next thing comin’ over the hill is Christmas and as I say - I always enjoy it. I know clubs that has a St Stephen’s day challenge match among the club members which is deadly oul craic altogether. It gives them all an excuse to get out of bed after drinking and atin’ the bit out on Christmas. Can end in tears tho’ if you go straight on the rip but if ye’re like me - ye be too oul for that stuff - more’s the pity. But we’ll see.