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This week in Talking Balls we’re slap bang in the middle of the club championship season - the start of the glory stories that end up in Croker next March. It’s a long and difficult road between now and then with plenty of muck clabber and slabber to be endured between now and then.

We review the successful Ulster Conference held last week in Stormont - historic it was featuring a DUP Minister. Also, more innovation in Ulster as they say yes to an expanded Ulster Championship in hurling - more than can be said elsewhere.

Billy Morgan faces a time of quiet reflection outside the wire if his suspension is upheld - we need more colourful characters so we hop they aren’t too hard on him.

As the camogie all stars are announced ahead of their big night out on 10 November we reflect on Ulster’s surprise but not entirely unexpected win in the Interpro Gael Linn last Sunday. Scarcely a mention in the media - but that’s a shame.

Readers of the Irish news will have noticed the Squareball promo all this week. Remember if you’re stuck for a Christmas, birthday or break-up present - we may have the answer.

Alternatively you could dress up as someone really fashionable for Halloween.

If you’ve less brains than a false face - god help you - but there’s always Talking Balls.

Ulster Says Yes To Hurling

The Ulster Hurling Championship will be ‘with a difference’ next year as all nine counties along with those ole friends of Ulster - London - go into the pot. Monaghan and Cavan and Tyrone and Fermanagh meet in the preliminary round. The winners of the Monaghan Cavan and the T&F clash will take on either Donegal or London with the winners of those ties then taking on Derry or Armagh. Ulster kingpins Antrim and Down then join at the semi final stage. It means we suppose that Antrim will get a chance to win a couple of games before they get tanked by Galway and then the Munster first round losers.

John McSparran, the talkative Antrim secretary hasn’t given his views yet - no doubt the honorary Munsterman will in due course - but the proposed scheme will give the so called lesser lights a day in the sun. Especially important now, with a few of the so-called weaker counties’ hurlers featuring in the Railway Cup perhaps it proves that not everyone in Ulster subscribed to burning the ash.

Talking Balls reckons that tenth county of Ulster - Alba, with their Shinty players - should enter the Ulster Championship too. After all that hotbed of hurling Warwickshire has been playing in the Nicky Rackard Cup over the years, nearly beating Derry a couple of years back over there if our memory is correct over here. Can be hard to remember these things with the Office WAG showing off her assets and all the freebies we get into the office bein’ divvied out these days.

Ulster is now the only province that will have all of its counties competing in its provincial hurling championship. Well done to Comhairle Uladh - good stuff lads.

Corkman in Race to Succeed Staunton

One of Cork’s most famous sons may be free to take over the reins following soccer manager Steve Staunton’s summary dismissal as manager of the Free State’s soccer team.

Sources close to Talking Balls have revealed that Billy Morgan will most likely no longer be in charge of the Rebels after his suspension will be upheld. Billy, with his unrivalled knowledge of Croke Park, his commitment and dedication and his excellent media management skills is an unlikely but highly suitable candidate for the job.

Well, he’d do a better f***in job than Steve Staunton did anyway, plus he’s from Cork.

Marsden Reveals Health Issues for the Older Player

Talking after announcing his second retirement from the game, ageing Armagh legend revealed: “There was something itching there… I’m glad Joe gave me the opportunity to get reacquainted with the lads.”

We weren’t sure what he was talking about but then we realised it was his retirement…
“It was very, very tough in terms of the whole physical aspect, getting the body ready for training to be able to handle the pace of matches. You’d be sore in between training and matches. I’m glad I went back.”

So are we Diarmuid, so are we. You were good the first time round too.

Camogie All Stars Reveal Themselves

After Talking Balls stinging attack last week, the camogie ladies have shaken and stirred themselves and announced the delectable forty-five young ladies that will drop their camans agus sliotars and pull on their frocks for the big ho-down in the City West on 10 November.

But not without controversy. Antrim’s Jane Adams, claimed by friend and foe alike to be one of the country’s top camogs has controversially been omitted from the list. Jane, whom Talking Balls has only ever seen the rear end of slaloming through a melee of players before burying the ball in the net, was MVPL the weekend at last week’s inter-provincial series in Dublin. She bagged four goals against Munster and Leinster as Ulster defied the odds to win their first senior interprovincial in forty years. Aided and abetted by Derry’s ultra graceful midfield star Grainne McGoldrick, All Ireland goalscorer and forty a day woman Aisling Diamond and inspirational captain Claire doc, as well as Down’s dynasty rep Fionnuala Carr, Adams inspired the Ulster team to an historic success.

The southern media were of course surprisingly schtum about the whole Ulster success. The Indo blew off on Wednesday about the team being backboned by the Wexford All Ireland winning team but there was a deafening silence on Monday as no-one seemed to want to mention the fact that Ulster ‘backboned’ - and we mean players with backbone - defeated first Munster and the Leinster to win the competition. The success was all the more remarkable for the fact they player the semi final and then played the final an hour later. Leinster for their part had plenty of feet up time as Connacht failed to field so they went into the final fresh. Well done to Ulster and their super gaeilgoir of a manager Padraig O Mianain. Maith thu!

Players to Benefit From TV Deal

In a development that’s sure to raise a few well manicured eyebrows among the more image conscious of our gaelic and athletic stars, bouffant GPA Commercial Director Donal O’Neill has claimed that the pampered players of our national games should get a cut of the action from any new TV deal. With discussions between the two organisations due to continue on Friday it is not yet known where the smart money will be going.

It is also believed that at stake in the discussions are the Intellectual Property rights to matches, with games involving the more cerebral stars such as Colm Cooper, Brian McGuigan likely to attract premium rates. It is not known what arrangements have been made for Mark Vaughan. Similarly pretty boys such as Dan Shanahan, Sean Óg Ó hAilpín and Sean Cavanagh will drive up the stakes in the realm of image rights but again players like Noel O’Leary and Ciaran Whelan are expected to prove sticking points in discussions for obvious reasons.

Tyrone star Eoin Mulligan is believed to be negotiating a sum in excess of a large amount with a well known hair product supplier to ensure his locks retain their sheen on air. Likewise rumours of Maurice Fitzgerald’s recent comeback prompted a run on fake tan.

Sources close to camogie players and ladies football were licking their lips at the thought of the image benefits for the ladies with big brands Agent Provocateur eyeing up the lucrative player market with a view to providing serious support whilst Dunnes Stores and Primark were targeting shirt tuggers nationwide with their budget lingerie.

Watch this space.

Mickey Ned No Donkey No Massa

The Irish Indo have been detailing how the Springboks Rugby World Cup success was partially made in Kerry. “Where else?” the Office WAG adds. “Them f***ers think they’re great at everything.” It turns out that lightening winger Brian Habana wasn’t originally from Dingle, rather Kerry legend Micky Ned Sullivan went over there to teach the Boks how to catch the ball. He knows a thing or two about taking a knock does Mickey Ned and he is believed to have urged the South African lads to avoid getting knocked out during the game as even though they might not remember it - everyone else will.

Regular readers of Talking Balls will recall - if such an animal exists beyond one or two sad bastards that use this to digest a pizza and a bottle of wine late on a Friday night - that earlier in the year we ran some selected nuggets of wisdom from Mickey Ned’s superb coaching manual. Before we return to the manual here is what the wise one said about the lads from the land of the Protea flower:

“My brief was to try to improve fielding on a number of fronts. The South Africans had always been aware of the Australians’ ability to field above their heads which came from their AFL backgrounds. Many of the Irish have it from their Gaelic football backgrounds. Out of pride, the South Africans didn’t want to approach the Australians so they came to us,”

Mickey Ned recounted how many of the South Africans were highly impressed with a clip of the 2005 All-Ireland final between Kerry and Tyrone.

“In Durban, when we were with the Sharks, I showed 10 minutes featuring some of Dara O Se’s catches and they asked to see the whole game.”

No doubt they marvelled at Brian McGuigan’s brilliance, the sublime goal finish of Peter Canavan and the defensive brilliance of Conor Gormley. Did they notice jack O’Connor whingeing? We know not. He went on:

“Ironically, David Campese was one of their backroom team back then. Very few of the South Africans had an awareness of Gaelic football but Campese had.” Speaking of the enthusiasm of second row forward and speedy winger Brian Habana Mickey Ned revealed: “Matfield had a hangover the morning we were there as his wife had given birth the night before, but he was a wonderful guy. So too was Habana. He had a great spring and took to fielding the ball over his head very naturally.”

Best of all Mickey Ned revealed he had also been approached by the English team to help them out but he chose not to go behind enemy lines. Fair play to Mickey Ned. As the man says, ‘I wouldn’t help England, even if they were playin’ Derry.’

Two Up for Three-in-a-Row

Kerry full back Tom O Sullivan has revealed that he and Dara O Se are hangin’ around for another year to secure the elusive three in a row. O’Sullivan was blowing his load at the press do ahead of the Railway Cup Finals. Certainly Kerry couldn’t get it as handy next year as they did in 2006 and 2007 - surely two of the most facile All Ireland Final victories in history - thank you very much Cork and Mayo. Sez Tom, who readers may recall gave super-puke-manager Jack O’Connor his fill of it according to the former manager’s autohagiography:

“I’ll hang tough for next year. I’d be a very foolish man if I retired and Kerry came along and won three-in-a-row. I don’t want any regrets. I know O Se is thinking the same thing. I spoke to him already about it and he is happy enough to stay on for the three-in-a-row. Certainly that’s what I’m staying on for. I am searching for three-in-a-row. Most other players are the same.”

McCarthy also revealed he and former fullback Mike McCarthy made up their mind to retire during that easy victory over Mayo. Shows they didn’t have that much to think about during the game:

“Mike McCarthy was sick of it, the hunger wasn’t there any more and we spoke on the field and said this will be our last time on the field together. There was about 10 minutes to go in the game. Myself and Mike McCarthy said there was no way we were playing again.”

It is not known who what either player was thinking about or to whom they were talking when they went AWOL in 2005 to let in Peter Canavan for that goal. These comments and those by the likes of darling of the supporters Paul Galvin should make a few interesting pin ups in dressing rooms in Tyrone, Dublin, Monaghan and Derry over the winter.

DUP Praise for the GAA

The North’s Minister for Culture Arts and Leisure Edwin Poots made history last weekend when he became the first DUP member to attend a Gaelic and Athletic function in a non-demonstratory capacity.

Gaelic and Athletic members watched open-mouthed as ‘Fast Edwin’ as he likes to be known engaged fully with them, saying that despite his legislative disregard for the Irish language he would do nothing to stop members enjoying it - whatever that means. As the legendary Scor enthusiast Robert Zimmerman famously said, ‘Oh the times are a changin’.’

Addressing 400+ volunteers in an East Belfast hotel - itself an unusual venue for a Comhairle Uladh fleadh craic agus caint - Mr Poots praised the GAA for its vision and work across the North, however he did call on the GAA to increase its community outreach programme to reach out to the one million people in Northern Ireland who would have no interest or knowledge of the games and work of the GAA.

The Minister was welcomed to the conference by GAA President, Nicky Brennan; GAA Vice-President and Ulster Chairman, Tom Daly and Ulster Council Secretary, Danny Murphy. The Stormont Hotel was obviously the place to be if you were a minister last week - according to the office WAG who attended in a shirt tugging capacity hoping to run into Plunkett Donaghy - you couldn’t move without falling over a Stormont Minister.

For autograph hunters there were sightings of Catriona Ruane and Margaret Ritchie as well as our man from the DUP. Said the Office WAG: “For a man with the biggest ears in Ulster politics yer man Poots certainly seemed prepared to listen.”

Speaking at the conference, an Runai, Comhairle Uladh Danny Murphy thanked all the Ministers and Speakers at the conference and stressed that Community Development would become a core theme of the Ulster GAA business. A deir sé:

“The theme of this year’s conference was Volunteerism and Community Development, it was important that we had a range of Executive Ministers, MLAs and TD`s present as a well as representatives from the North-South Ministerial Council and the Department of Foreign Affairs to interact with our grassroots club volunteers and officials who are delivering on wide range of government agendas ranging from Community Development and Volunteerism, to citizenship, health and wellbeing and social capital.”

Emphasising the historic nature of the conference he continued: “The fact that we held our first conference in East Belfast and that our GAA volunteers were addressed by three Executive Ministers, one of whom is a leading member of the DUP was historic. I think it’s clear that the Ulster Council as the leading sporting organisation in the North is playing an active and relevant part in the new political dispensation we now find ourselves in”.

Boxing School

This week resident expert Ger Manas recalls his memories of schools football and wonders if it’s the same game at all.

I was invited along there to speak to one of them McRory Cup schools to talk to the young lads about my experiences in football down the years and to give them bits of useful advice. I was told not to let on which school it was in case they would all be looking me. Not that I have a problem with that. It’s funny nowadays the way young lads is coached and trained. These buckos were sittin’ in a lecture theatre - they were bigger than I remember cubs a few years back and they were all gluggin’ away on big bottles of water or that Lucozade sport shite. The dentist toul me not to be drinking that cos number one it was rottin’ me teeth - what teeth I have that is - and also I was getting’ a fierce oul gut on me and I’d been off the drink. The granddaughter’s friend is one of the nutritionists and she was tellin’ me that a youngster drinking that stuff and doing no exercise can put on a couple of poun’ a week thanks to all the carbohydrate in it. If I see the grandsons drinking any of them things now I would give them a boot in the hole and tell them to drink water. Was good enough for me da and it’s good enough for me.

Anyway these lads - them all f***in long legs, big forearms, the hair all cut up short and shining with brylcreem or whatever shite they puts on it nowadays were louchin’ about. They looked like they’d been sponsored by a white trainer company - every man wearing an O’ Neills shirt of one sort or another - the club, the school, one of the Universities you name it. Pile of county development lads, county minors - the odd gobshite that I knew by the look of him would maybe be lucky to be the water boy. The more I chatted to them the more I thought it’s me should be doing the listenin’ here.

They started asking me about burnout and I told them I thought is was a load of shite if fellas had the balls and the wit to tell coaches and mangers they wouldn’t be doing all they were lookin’ them to do. You wanna see the manager fella lookin’ at me. I think he was the bad cop in the good bad routine. He wasn’t too happy that I had maybe suggested that lads shouldn’t be doing all the manager might want them to do but when you think about it players operate on different cycles and unless ye understand that ye are wasting yer time. Take the Derry minor lads, they require a different approach when they report back to Maghera or wherever than a few lads that’s been sittin’ on their hole since the league ended. I remember the da of a player that had won an all Ireland minor med a few years back telling me that he and another lad had asked the school McRory manager for two weeks off as they were knackered and wanted to enjoy their win. Not a f***in bit of it, yer man had them running the roads along with a load of other boys till the lights went out- the lads eyes the da said were like black coals in his face and after that he kept pickin’ up injuries here and there. Nothin’ serious you understand but enough to rule him out of playin’.

I was chattin’ later to a couple of fellas that played McRory way back in the eighties and it brought me mind back to some of the goin’s on then. At the time I had done a bit of work with a McLarnon team in Donegal and we played these lads in a friendly. Turned out the match had been set up as a morale raiser before some do or die f***in clash in the McRory - you know the sort - and our boys were the lambs for the slaughter. The other team had been playin’ dung and their manager thought cannon fodder would be the remedy. Well you could nearly predict what happened. At half time the McLarnon school was batin’ the McRory school and their lads started to take it a bit thick. The ref for the second half was a civil big lump of a PE teacher from the McRory school and at one stage he sent one of his own players off and then toul him: ‘OK ye can stay on but don’t do it again….’ Course yer man does do it again but nothin’ happens. Next thing on a kick out the McLarnon school lads bursts the big midfielder from the other school and a boxin session breaks out. Well the big midfielder lad had done a bit of oul boxin’ in his day and he lines up three boys in a row and wham - bam bursts the whole lot of them right on the nose on after another. Next thing, the first lad made a go to tackle him from behind - now at this stage you understand both sets of subs and supporters and all were tearin’ in for a piece of the action, twas great craic boys getting an afternoon out of school for this. Seeing the lad about to level his team-mate from behind, the other midfielder runs up behind this young lad and takes off and kicks him as hard as he could in the hole. Well, that was the end of the row - everyone started laughing and the oul ref you never seen a man as happy to blow a whistle.

I dunno if things like that happen much anymore at schools matches. I know the lads from both schools in my day got a quare bollockin’ and were well warned. But sure ye have to do these things from time to time. When I told the lads I was talking to the other day about this story - they looked confused - it was as if I was from another planet and another time - and I suppose in a way I was.

This week in Talking Balls we ruminate on the possibility of Strike Action by the GPA. Like an oul cow chewing the cud we won’t be making any hasty decisions but this could end up in a lot of shit.As Cork prepares to build an amphitheatre to rival Croke Park we ask yet again where are the people that will fill these stadia? County after county is announcing ambitious plans for development at a time when the qualifiers are losing audiences. Maybe these county boards know something we don’t but…

Also we hear the PTB have left Westmeath high and dry. The Christy Ring Cup brings you… nowhere.

As the managerial merry go round in Ulster grinds to a halt we consider the opportunity for John McCloskey in Derry and Mal O’Rourke in Fermanagh.

After the stellar cast in last week’s Railway Cup matches involving Munster and Leinster hurling’s finest we take a downbeat look at Ulster’s chances. More than any team it looks like Ulster are in for a rough ride against Galway posing as Connacht. Fair play to the lads that have been picked - hope there isn’t too much pain.

If you still have a sour taste in your mouth and a stink in your nose - stop watching shite soccer teams. For everything else there’s Talking Balls.

Cork Stadium to be the Best in the World Ever - No Surprise There.

Talking Balls reckoned it was only a matter of time before Cork built its own national stadium and now surprise surprise it has come to pass. Boasting about everything, the Cork PTB have unveiled ambitious plans to develop Páirc Uí Chaoimh into a state of the art all seater stadium. If the proposal gets the go ahead it will mean that more Cork people will be able to get together and tell each other how great they are than ever before. All the plans need is the heads up from Cork City’s civic fathers.

Under the proposed redevelopment of Cork’s docklands, Páirc Uí Chaoimh will become a sports and concert venue. It will also have an ancillary all-weather pitch as well as a 400-space car park and a dining facility. The Examiner reports with great glee that to accommodate the county board’s plans and the docklands redevelopment, the city council has acquired 22 acres of nearby land following a compulsory purchase order. Cork PTB spokesman Fergal McGill said modestly:

“Cork is one of the most progressive counties within the association while the standard of hurling and football is something that can only be admired at a distance by most counties. Cork set a template for others to follow so it’s no surprise that these plans are so ambitious: the city is the second largest in the southern part of Ireland, so it’s important the GAA has an impressive presence in Cork.”

The People’s Republic has spoken. Long admired for not having a chip on their shoulder and casting envious glances up towards Dublin, Cork will now have a stadium where 60,000 Cork people can watch other Cork people at their leisure. Narcissm or what? One man’s dream, another man’s nightmare…

Westmeath in Hurling Purgatory

That most thorough of bodies the Hurling Development Committee has f***ed up and there’s going to be no easy solution. Yep folks, in a democratic organization that makes decisions through delegate voting it helps if people are armed with the facts and the fact is that the HDC FORGOT that Westmeath had won the Christy Ring Cup and therefore were supposed to be in the McCarthy tier next season. Yes the unexpected bonus in winning the second tier competition is that no-one gives a damn about you and that’s official. It confirms what we have suspected about hurling and those who ‘develop’ it.

The championship format agreed at the recent Special Congress assumed there would only be a single quarter-final in Leinster and that the losers of this game would face either Galway or Antrim in the second phase. As Westmeath were promoted as a result of winning the Christy Ring Cup, there will be two games. They will face Dublin and Offaly will be opposed by Laois.

Westmeath however are not among the counties permitted into the Liam McCarthy so there they sit in a sort of hurling purgatory neither sinning or sinned against.

If they lose they won’t be able to play the other loser for the right to play Antrim or Galway. If they win they cannot proceed. So where do they go? Well don’t ask the Leinster Council for f***’s sake cos they don’t know either. Provincial Secretary Michael Delaney sez:

“We have asked the HDC to figure it out for us. It appears from the motion passed (at Special Congress) that Westmeath can’t advance, even if they win. We will be in negotiations with the HDC to get around it. The matter has not been resolved yet.”

Can we hear the sound of the DRA pulling a few chairs together or is that the HDC circling the wagons. Or is it just the sound of people laughing? Answers, on a brick, into the Liffey, asap.

Thomas The Tank Engine Might as Well Be Playing in the Railway Cup

Donegal hurlers Danny Cullen and Jamesie Donnelly together with Tyrone’s Terry McIntosh make their Ulster debuts, clashing ash with Connacht on Saturday evening in Ballybofey. They are joined as debutants by Armagh’s Declan Coulter and Fermanagh man Kevin McGarry. A great day for the respective players and their clubs. Talking Balls wishes them well despite the PTB’s efforts to turn the competition into the Thomas the Tank Engine Trophy.

There are no Derry representatives on the side - the ongoing participation of Kevin Lynch’s in the Ulster Club Championships and the final stages of the Derry league putting paid to the participation of Derry u-21 forward Sean Leo McGoldrick.

Ulster joint-boss McNaughton told that bastion of gaelic and athletic the BBC that he was disappointed by the unavailability of so many players.

“The timing of the competition doesn’t help because so many people are involved in club games at the moment. Maybe, it would have been better playing it in early December when all the club games are over. It’s disappointing. I loved playing for Ulster. It should be the biggest honour that an Ulster hurler can get and I loved playing against good hurlers like Nicky English but the competition seems to be dying at the moment. In fact, you would almost wonder whether Croke Park is trying to kill it off and maybe they should just go ahead and put it out of its misery.”

Speaking of the BBC it is not known whether the thousands of job cuts proposed this week due to restructuring will affect its GAA coverage. After all as the man says you can’t take the knickers of a bare ass.

From Portstewart to La Manga

Talking Balls hears that Armagh All Ireland winning fitness Guru John McCloskey has been appointed to the Derry stable for the coming season. In what could be one of the shrewdest moves by that wily ole Paddy Crozier, McCloskey brings with him a wealth of experience gained from working with Joe Kernan.

But. But. Will McCloskey find it strange coming from the Buckfast County to the land of the Oak where the county executive have been accused in the past of being at best luke warm about the County team’s fortunes? Last year Crozier had his stand-off over club matches clashing with his plans for the county men. Will McCloskey - with his knowledge of the Roll Royce operation run by Big Joe with extreme Co Board support - find it strange working with the good people of South Derry? Maybe being McCloskey he has relatives in the area. If so he’ll maybe understand. Either way if the balls break his way it could be an interesting year for Crozier and his merry men. Paddy would have to review in a negative some of his decision making such as bringing Eoin Bradley on and then failing to take him off. Anyway, let’s not shatter the beautiful picture we’re painting.

Already the Derry players are looking forward to a fortnight in La Manga - makes a change from boking up on Portstewart strand with the puke streamin’ back in your face blown by a cool Atlantic breeze.

O’Rourke’s to Stem Drift

New Fermanagh manager Malachy O’Rourke looks set to set in place a never say never policy as he reconsiders the county careers of some of the low wage Erners lost sheep.

Defender Ryan McCluskey left the panel last year and full forward Stephen Maguire has not been involved for two years. Maguire can certainly be a handful and that’s no comment on his ‘burly’ appearance. Fellow Traveller Rory Gallagher has toured about more often than his namesake most recently donning the blue shirt of Cavan before skedaddling back to Dublin.

Sez Malachy “We are exploring the position of these players. There are a number of players who for one reason or another were not involved over the last number of years. It’s just a case of finding out who is available, keen to join up and prepared to put in the effort and sacrifice needed to make an impact at this level.”

Fermanagh have an unfortunate history of ship jumpers - must be due to their status as a sea-faring county. You’ll recall in 2004 an underrated team shocked Armagh in Croker before losing to Mayo in replayed All Ireland semi final. If O’Rourke can rediscover the Lakeland magic the Devenish help us it could be an interesting Ulster Championship.

Referee’s Wanted - No Irish Need Apply

Surely one of the stupidest stories to emerge surrounding the off-off-off-on-off International Rules nonsense is this week’s suggestion that some Rugby League referee might be asked to officiate of Nicky Brennan and his Aussie colleagues manage to breathe any life into the series during their jolly at the Rugby Union World Cup.

The story goes that contact has been made with one top Rugby League referee who, as part of his training, looked at the way in which GAA referees operated. He also looked at the International Rules series and the feedback on whether rugby league referees could cope with handling the game was very positive.

Talking Balls isn’t confident that if this hare-brained scheme is to proceed, that our own whistlers like Pat McEneaney will be overly enamoured of this. We all know how a referee reacts if someone is brought in from a different county to do a championship game. What then about the prospects of some Englishman coming from a game like rugby league. Even those stuck up boyos from Rugby Union couldn’t stop the t’uggery witnessed from some of those gizzards from Oz. Funny they don’t do it in their own game do they?

Shorts and Socks

Roscommon players have come out and said they will support strike action if the GPA are mandated by ballot to strike. ‘Would anyone notice if the Roscommon footballers went on strike?’ asked the Office WAG, fag in hand cup to chin. Now there’s a question.

The McKenna Cup is to be run off under floodlights this January. All matches will be played under lights according to the Ulster Council meaning the competition can be completed in double quick time. Unconfirmed reports suggest Queen’s University will be playing their matches in the Holyland - after all their students are well lit down there most of the time.

The whole country is talking about Maurice Fitzgerald coming out of retirement to help South Kerry try to beat Mid Kerry in their second replay. South Kerry has also enlisted the services of master whiner Jack O’Connor. Hopefully he’ll tell us all about it in his next book or maybe not.

After sitting out the 2007 season after his spats with Coach Considine Davy Fitz faces another spell out of the game after having the top of his finger surgically reattached. Fitz had the digit unsurgically removed during the Clare SHC semi-final defeat to Crusheen. Talking Balls wishes Davy Fitz all the best. We exchanged pleasantries with him in Corker during the Camogie Final and a more obliging fella we couldn’t have met - poising for photos and the like.

Ulster’s Football team has representation from eight of the nine counties. Antrim’s Justin Crozier makes the bench for the match up with Connacht on Saturday evening. Just shows the strength and depth across the province despite what Spat Pillane says.

Time Running Out for Camog All Stars

In this week of All Star frenzy with only one real surprise in the hurling selection, the next big date in the diary is 9 November when the lovely ladies from Camogie will have their big night out in the City West. At the time of writing the nominations weren’t out yet. Obviously Liz and the girls in charge don’t realize the thought and effort some of these athletes put into looking the part.

One potential nominee from Derry told Talking Balls, “It’s not fair - if I get a nomination I won’t have enough time to buy the dress, get me underwear sorted, get one of them fake tan jobs blown on, shovel on the warpaint, and then do a couple of weeks at Weightwatchers to get rid of the love handles I have from all the Breezers and vodka I’ve had since we won the All Ireland - plus me arse is like the side of a handball alley.” Oh the life of an athlete.

Hurry up then O Politburo of camogie and give the lovely ladies and their female and male partners plenty of notice so they can try and disguise their speedwobbles and look the full figure on the night.

What a Croke of Shite

The Republic of Ireland soccer team. Say no more.

GPA Strike While the Iron’s cold

News emerges that the GPA have started balloting their members on strike action. This is the last throw of the dice for the GPA in a week when founder member Fergal McCusker of Derry has said the organization is not the one he joined in the later nineties.

The GPA statement said: “This significant action is being taken by the GPA following an extensive process of negotiation with our members. Four provincial meetings were held followed by a period of consultation where every county squad in Ireland was contacted to gauge the mood in regard to the grants issue and any potential protest. The GPA executive has advised its members to vote in favour of the action which will consist of a removal of players from all inter-county competitions next season.”

Talking Balls‘ advice - and it’s free - from our position down in the gutter of reporting here in the murky depths of Gaelic and Athletic club life - back up the line to the well-heeled, pampered, wetgear wearing, tee-shirt toting, fed after training, shirt tugger-bulling, sponsored-boot shod, autograph signing, fancy coach travellin’, TV interviewed, newspaper featured, hurley provided, well insured, medical covered, self opinionated players who propose strike action. Look at fellas like me in the eye - what commitment do you put in that I don’t? I manage two club teams, wash jerseys, drive ungrateful brats round the country (including current county players), coach P1s, P2s and P3s, attend committee meetings when I could be at home with my family, fundraise, use my mobile phone to chase prima donnas like you guys, deal with camogs with PMT and commitment problems, deal with county board wonks and provincial council types. It actually f***ing costs me money to do all of this but it’s my choice - so if you go on strike, remember you’re suppin’ in the last chance saloon. There’s a lot of time between now and Christmas for ye to kill the golden goose so before ye sharpen the knife - stop and think. The old adage is true, strike when the iron’s hot - lads, it’s not even lukewarm.

Ger Manas

This week resident expert Ger Manas is on strike in disgust. As he left the building the other day he said, ‘that Dessie Farrell he needs a boot in the hole.’ He sent us this.

I was out working in the garden the other day when I heard on the wireless that that boy Dessie Farrell has called on county players to go on strike. I’ve been a member of this association for over forty years in good times and bad, I’ve been made to stand on the side of the road by the brits after shouting 800 years of oppression at them, I have been threatened at gun point by fellas from another club. I’ve kicked ball in New York, kicked balls in London. I’ve met gobshites and legends, arseholes, gentlemen, oul wimmin watchin and playin’!. Some of the most dacent people I’ve ever met have been through gaelic football, hurlin’ and camogie. And I’ll tell ye - nothing ever stopped games being played - not the problems in the North, the civil war, not even foot and mouth. I remember playin in the dark once up in the North - we’d travelled up to a tournament game and the UDR held us up on the road. When we eventually got where we were going it was too dark for a game but the boys we were visiting said since we’d travelled the least they could do was give us the match - so everyone put their headlights on the pitch and we played away. Twas f***ing great.

And now, our own people are talking about bringing the whole shootin’ match to a standstill - Twould break a man’s heart.

When I started out an oul fella used to wash the jumpers for us after games. He worked in an oul hotel and he used to stick the washin’ in at night after the towels and bed linen was done. Occasionally when the gear was pulled out of the bag at a match an oul woman’s bra or pair of drawers would fall out too - if the whole plant was washed up together the night before. Our fellas used to take great sport knowin’ that the strip in some way was associated with a bit of oul action in a hotel. Twas like one of them oul American movies. Anyway, yer man got caught on washing the gear and he got sacked for misuse of hotel equipment. Only the parish priest stepped in and had a hanlin’ getting the job back. I knew another fella ran over his foot cutting the grass on the pitch and got f*** all insurance and had to give up his proper job. Literally foot loose and fancy free.

That’s not to mention all the people like me that travels the length and breadth of the country coaching fellas and girls. I get nothing for it and I want nothing. If I couldn’t do it I wouldn’t be alive. It’s in me blood - no less right enough than the same thing is in the county man’s blood. There’s times I get pissed off with players - there’s times I convince myself they hate me and I hate them and then after the boats is burned on the beach they do something that restores yer faith in them. And it’s moments like that when ye realize that money couldn’t pay ye for all ye do.

If this strike goes ahead, there’s home’s that’ll be torn apart - houses where maybe one fella gets to play county but the brothers don’t - the commitment will be there same for all of them, but it’ll be like the civil war all over again. Where did you stand on the strike? people will ask. The county man does his bit but he gets well looked after. Nowadays the dedicated club player does nearly as much - in fact more because the county man gets pulled out of matches. The other fella would love to but he has to play away.

What will happen? God knows. People will call the likes of me a whingin’ oul b***ard but sure I don’t care. I know where I stand and it’s usually on the sideline at an oul match that no other bollix could be bothered goin’ to. There’d be pishing rain, howlin’ wind and the likes. These are the games ye live for - there’s no supporters but you’re nearly better there on yer own - it gives ye a chance to think. There’s certainly no county men ever go to these games and offer to carry the medical bag or the hurleys. It’s a long way from Croke Park and some lackey carrying Enda McNulty’s bag off the bus.

My ould fella never said much to me but I remember him telling a boy one day it’s hard to see where you’re going when your head’s up your hole. Don’t get me wrong manys the dealings I’ve had with county men over the years and they’re good lads but they need to take an oul deep breath before this gets out of hand. To me this arguin’ over money is a one way street and it’ll end up in one place. So if you know any of the GPA fellas - next time you see him give him a quare good boot in the hole - now that’s what I call a strike.

This week in Talking Balls we see Nickey Brennan spark into life with a flurry af presidential statements. Asking those modern day Vikings the aussies for money for stealing our players, kicking ass on burnout. Dismantling the minor championships just like that to create a hybrid. Like the mule - the offspring of a horse and an ass - the new proposals revealed this week are pretty sterile - a bit of a horse’s ass in all fact. Well we think so.

Whatever next. Players threaten to strike and Enda McNulty and Paddy Heaney come to verbal blows in the Irish News. Paddy - tell them you won’t judge their awards next year and see how they like that.

Where does Talking Balls stand on players strikes? Well if they’re on strike we’ll not be going to the match that day. We’ll be at home on our own pitch cutting the grass, lining the pitch, coaching youngsters and generally doing what we do as paid up members of the G-A-A. That’s not to say we disagree with players getting something - just that there are many considerations to this.

There’s many a player was coached by people in his club. Then he gets onto a county squad and then turns into an ungrateful arse who forgets where he came from. The real stars are the ones that remember who they came from, who they are and don’t start believing their own publicity.

In his weekly column Ger looks at the joy that disciplinary committees and those who sit on them have brought to his life over the years. Including of course the ubiquitous GAA secretary - that animal that although endangered will never become extinct.

If your young fella wants to go to Oz, tell him he’s obsessed with his nether regions - the local GP can help. Otherwise, there’s always Talking Balls.

Gaelic Players Aren’t Paid Yet. Get the t-shirt.

Forty Five of the country’s top prima donna footballers this week received nominations for the Opel GPA Gaelic Players Awards. Nothing strange about that although in one or two positions we though they maybe struggled to find three decent contenders given the mediocre season just ended.

What did catch our eye was the information that the selection committee consisted of Chairman Jack O’Connor, along with Martin McHugh, Keith Barr, Tony Davis and Paddy Heaney. That sounds like a right riveting bunch of twaddlers. Jack insisting that none of the cheatin’ Tyrone hoors get anything, Tony Davis warbling on about Cork and god knows what. Martin McHugh sitting up in his baby chair analyzing everything and talking about nothing. And Paddy Heaney. Is this the same Paddy Heaney that this week took lumps out of the GPA for suggesting the possibility of strike action and the same ‘Heaney’ as Armagh and GPA stalwart Enda McNulty dismissively called him - that talks out of his hole and lives off the back of GPA hard working members? I hope Paddy lifted his fee before the latest tirade from McNulty as he’s clearly in bad odour with the GPA.

Anyway, the story goes forty five players will get awards and Jack O’Connor’s precious Declan O’Sullivan may win the player of the year in the face of competition from The Gooch and Marc O Se.

Talking Balls can categorically state that we weren’t asked to be a judge - why we do not know. Hopefully we haven’t offended anyone but then Paddy Heaney did, Tony Davis does generally so it hasn’t stopped them.

All Weather Pitches to Help with Burn Out

That Nickey Brennan is a dacent oul spud and players everywhere will brighten up and smile at the news that the GAA is poised to invest €27million in all weather pitches. Speaking during a visit to Mayo which God Knows could do with All Weather pitches better than most - all Weather women too we would suggest but better not go there - sez Nickey:

“Some weeks ago the association made a commitment to invest EUR27 million in all-weather pitches throughout Ireland. The details of this will be officially brought to light in the coming weeks but I am prepared to say here today that the primary use of these facilities will be for college games. I know that this time of year, facing into the winter months, it is difficult to get out there, get training and continue with matches. The GAA’s commitment to investing this amount will mean that young players and stars of tomorrow can play without interruption.”

Did he mean to say get burnt out without interruption or was he speaking before this week’s big news? You tell us.

Smalls in the Wash

Billy Morgan looks like he has shot his bolt as Cork manager. Currently convicted and serving a 24 week suspension - in fact not for sticking a reporter’s equipment down his trunks Billy looks to have burnt his bridges this time.

Also, Tommy Breheny has cited and family reasons as the factors in his decision to step down as Sligo manager despite their Connacht success. Not in the frame is Eamon O’ Hara who we watched swan round Croke Park ineffectually in a pair of yellow boot that drew attention to his lack of impact. Former Fermanagh manager Charlie Mulgrew may go south young man and take up the reins in the Yeats County. Yes and a hive for the honey bee. Pete Finnerty is the frame to get off the Sunday Game sofa and onto the field with the Mayo hurlers.

No word yet as to any movement from the likes of Micky Moran or John Morrison or indeed Paudie O Se. Paudie is still recovering from the court case arising from a shemozzle in his pub that led to his first court appearance since he left the Garda about fifty years ago. It was a case of Jaze wile sorry yer honour there was a hanlin’ but nothing worse than ye’d see at a dacent training session in Meath.

Weaker Munster Footballers Seed on Their Asses

The Limerick footballers have told the Munster Council to piss off after a pile of them were called up for the Railway Cup. Protesting at the reintroduction of the seeded draw, the five Limerick men said they will not play for Munster in the forthcoming interpros. In a move that will significantly reduce the impact of the Munster team, footballers from Waterford, Clare and Tipperary are said to be considering their position - in other words which part of the bench they will sit on come the big day in Fermoy.

Mickey Ned said of the players: “They all felt that they would not have the heart to play for a province that has treated them the way it has and that has no interest in the development of football in the weaker counties. So they decided against playing which is a big decision. The players felt that they are being left out on a limb.”

Also determined not to play for Munster is All Black winger Doug Howlett who is in bother with the boys in blue for executing that oul student jape of walking over cars. Except he got caught. Happened a fella Talking Balls knew once, he walked over some plonker’s convertible and fell through the roof, got his foot stuck between the handbrake and seat and had to wait for the owner to come back. This was the same owner that gave him a few digs before calling the poliss.

Dopey ole Doug old said he was embarrassed by the incident and was working with the police to contact the cars’ owners to fix the damage.

“I would like to say that I am sorry for what has happened,” he said in a video statement released by the All Blacks and the New Zealand Rugby Union.

“I am embarrassed that the events of one evening have led to me being in this situation. It was a little bit of tomfoolery that has caused me to be here. I apologise to people back home, family and friends, the New Zealand public, fans and my team-mates.”

Meanwhile to dwell a moment longer, All Black coach - the soon to be fired Graham Henry revealed his ancestors must have been from Cork. With the arrogance usually only found among the Rebel fraternity he said upon arrival home in New Zealand:

“We are the number one rugby side in the world and we have been for a long time and we still are. It’s just that we haven’t got that little yellow cup.”

Oisin Strike Bandit

As we reported above there is a developing schism between GPA members and members of whatever estate journos are these days. Also some players are less keen on industrial action than others. Said Oisin McConville: “For players to start striking would be to the detriment of the game. If we take strike action it is time for players to take a long, hard look at themselves. I don’t think this is a last resort - I wouldn’t like to see anyone starting a strike, whatever the issues are. It’s between the GAA and GPA and hopefully they can sort it out. This is a game we want to play, this is a game we love playing and I certainly wouldn’t be on for any strike action.”

Meanwhile captain of newly crowned Antrim Champions - Dunloy’s Gregory O’Kane said: “I feel some people have lost the run of themselves.”

We dunno - maybe the oul cynical bones in me is making us think these lads are afraid a strike might upset their chances of All Ireland club success because let’s face it either player may not get too many more chances.

Pat McEneaney - One Tick Man

We always knew Pat McEneaney was tick and sure now he’s proved it hisself.

Worried about the loss of his little black book which has the numbers of some of the country’s finest Pat says: “I believe that ticking incidents is basically a tracking record. The day of players committing five or six personal fouls is gone. I think people are a bit harsh on ‘ticking’. I feel it works quite well, provided the referee applies it properly. You don’t have to stop the game to tick a player, as some refs do.”

New grades at U-19, U-24 and Over 31 and a half proposed.

Hard on the heels of the controversial proposal to abolish the minor and U-21 grades, Talking Balls has learned of a new plans to introduce a raft of new grades to provide additional football and hurling for the average club footballer who sits about on his ass all summer because the man down the road is playing for the county team.

The most radical proposal of the Player Burnout Taskforce Report, which was launched in Croke Park on Tuesday, would see the abolition of the minor and under 21 grades at inter-county level in favour of a new under 19 competition for a two-year trial period.

Brennan insisted there were very genuine and valid reasons for proposing such a radical measure and said he was now placing player welfare at the top of his agenda. And he firmly believed that the acceptance of the proposals would benefit everyone from grassroots upwards.

“I would be disappointed if they didn’t get a strong recommendation from around the country. You don’t need to be a genius to work out that the recommendations are absolutely essential if we are to tackle the overuse of some of our more talented players.”

The move to merge minor and under 21 grades into one under 19 grade will only require a simple majority because it’s proposed on a trial basis.

Nickey Still Has Problems Down Under

Nickey Brennan continues to ruminate on the problems he’s been having down below.

“My view on it is quite clear. There has to be a clear viewed formed by myself - that I’m seeing something different from the Australians, that they are keen to tackle the underlying problems that have caused this series to be such a mess for the last two years. And this means things like applying the rules, the whole attitude to discipline and how that can be done in such a way as to seriously punish people who are transgressors in this area. There also has to be a change of mindset about the whole notion of winning the series at all costs.”

God knows what he’s talking about but sure it sounds grand

There was no hamstrings in Seán’s Day

LAOIS U21 manager Seán Dempsey says burnout is a load of shite. There may be something in these backwoods men’s claims. How many times have we heard of the good old days when a man played about six games over a weekend resplendent in a flat cap, trews tucked into brown socks. None of your fancy predator to the max boots - no an oul pair of brogans. All this and maybe a foreign game or two squeezed in under an alias - John Ponsonby-Frittenberg or Harvey Pubiktriangle. Anyway says Seán: “The U21 shouldn’t be done away with. It’s an invaluable transition from minor and you get more senior players out of an U21 team than you would from minor. Moving minor to U19, one of the biggest problems will be getting the squad together with fellas moving away and going to college. There are talks too of putting the minor back to the end of the summer and not being allowed get the squad together until after the exams. That’s cutting down on preparation a lot and if lads haven’t had the chance to prepare, they’re going to head off to America.”

“There’s no conclusive proof of what injuries are apparently being picked up by excessive training and games. I honestly believe the talk of burn-out is nonsense and is putting ideas into the heads of the players.”

Burnt Aff with the Whole F***in Thing

Nicky Brennan is certain that Padraic Duffy and the chaps have fallen on the perfect solution with their report. So certain that the curate’s egg is right he is challenging “anyone who is refuting anything in these reports to come up with the appropriate data. We are putting welfare of players at the top of our agenda here. There are so many stories of young people finished before they’ve reached the prime of their careers because of over-use and, dare I say it, abuse.”

Included in the requirements are the proposals to abolish replays and to play off the National League over eight weeks.

One way Talking Balls always reviews decisions to alter games schedules is to consider the situation in the past and consider the impact of new rules and arrangements may have had if in place then. Consider a few examples from our friends in soccer. In 1982 France played West Germany in one of the greatest world cup matches ever seen. The French were sublime, in midfield - Platini, Giresse, Tigana, Marius Tresor marshalled the defence in only the way a big lad from Gaudeloupe could. The Germans had Rumenigge, Littbarski and the villain Harald Schumacher sporting a perm and a moustache only a porn star could love. The game finished level after ninety minutes - Littbarski scored after 26 minutes only for the incomparable Platini to score a penalty. In extra time big Tresor scored to put France 2-1 ahead, followed by Giresse who made it 3-1. Those Germans hit back through Hrubesch and Fischer to send the match to penalties which they inevitably indubitably won 5-4. Consider. The match was made notorious for Harald Schumacher’s controversial assault on French defender Battiston which left him unconscious on the edge of the penalty box minus two teeth. No foul was given and Schumacher went on to be the hero of the hour saving two penalties.

Consider however had the golden goal rule been in place - the rule which was later introduced and has since been rescinded by FIFA. France would have made it through to the Final thanks to Tresor’s goal and would have faced Italy in the Final. Would the French flair have prevailed and prevented us from ever seeing Marco Tardelli’s celebration upon scoring for the Azzurri in the final - surely one of the best expressions of joy ever seen on a pitch.

Consider two matters closer to home. This summer the blue touch paper in Munster hurling was lit by Limerick and Tipp’s three match series. Does Nicky want a team to play till they drop, the winning score the result of a mistake due to fatigue rather than a piece of skill?

Consider Tyrone’s record breaking run to the All Ireland in 2006 that included no less than three replayed ties. Each help to bring the team on and allowed Mickey Harte to make fine adjustments to achieve the winning combination. Are these players burnt out?

Consider the inequality of the current championship season which sees a team like Tyrone or Derry or Monaghan already on their way out of the championship just when Kerry’s business really starts. Are any of the Kerry players worried about burnout? Not a bit of it. They can and do f*** away off to Oz safe in the knowledge that even they come home in June the season still has another month or two before it gets under way.

Joe Canning, the Galway U-21 star who has so far declined to commit to senior hurling and is an example of a player who might be concerned about burn out was scathing about the new proposals. “Personally I wouldn’t be for merging the two grades together. There’s a huge step up from minor to senior as it is and with only a year between 18 and 19 it would make that straight step up just as challenging.

In one of the stupidest interventions Dr Pat O’Neill, chairman of the player burn out task force, believes future litigation against the GAA is “coming down the tracks” because of burn-out.

“We have to pre-empt cases of future litigation because of chronic injury and disability.”

Talking Balls attended a seminar recently on crisis management - it was better than the marriage guidance course the local parish priest suggested - and the overwhelming sentiment was ignore the lawyers at all costs. And so say all of us.

More than Your Average Jobsworths

Our resident expert Ger Manas on the disciplinary process as he knows it. For Ger the committee is a place where important battles can be won and lost - but watch out for the ubiquitous club secretary when you’re at it.

Disciplinary hearings. I’ve been to many’s a one over the years and they go from being great craic to being a real pain in the hole. I used to be asked to sit on the far side of the table at them but that didn’t work out that well as my own personal views would mean I usually fell out with the sorta gobshite that likes sittin’ in judgement at them sorts a things.

Usually they can’t see over the oul table their head’s that far up their own hole. I am a great believer in the idea that the man upstairs made a series of moulds and outa that came a loada different sorts of people. Probably at the end of the day’s work, when the big man looked at what he’d made he probably realised that most the sorts of people he’d come up with were normal and good enough skins. And maybe he was in need of a cup of tay or the hangover was kickin’ in but whatever possessed him he decided he need a few annoyin’ sorts of hoors and that’s when traffic wardens, traffic cops, politicians, accountants, them human resources boyos I’ve heard about, and the aristocracy all came about. He also as a final laugh up his sleeve created the GAA secretary. None of the other types folks were contrary, nit pickin’ control freaks who had to f***in well have a hand in everything. These boys would say the mass at their own funeral if they had half the chance. They need quare big hands to have a finger in all those oul pies as well as keep a good handle on the oul rulebook. The club committee is usually just an echo chamber for their own ideas to come reboundin’ back and woe betide the poor bastard that dares raise a hare. Well, I was that soldier in an oul disciplinary committee once and never again - I’ll not get into that now. I be happier now when the notion takes me to go to an oul meetin’ with a player and rile the b’jasus out of the jobsworths but mainly to see if anything can be done to get the fella off.

Now to be fair, some of the disciplinary hearings can be grand. I went in with a young lad who grabbed a ref by the collar and then busted the other team’s manager. My brother had passed away the same week God Rest him. Now our Mickey was a lazy oul hoor and never done much by way of football or hurlin’ although he could play with the best of them so dyin’ was the best thing he ever done for the GAA.

“Ger, first of all on behalf of the committee we would like to express our sympathy to yourself on the death of your brother Michael,” sez stuffed shirt one. “Can I ask that that is formally recorded in the meeting’s minutes,” pipes up stuffed shirt two. The secretary taking the notes muttered something about “not being procedural” but he jots down whatever shite he wanted to write anyway. Next thing this oul bollix at the end of the table kinda woke up. “Was that Mick the Manas?” sez he. Turned out our boy and him had worked together on some site over in Glasgow. The first stuffed shirt then chipped in with an oul yarn about some match that our fella had abandoned when he deliberately burst the ball and claimed the points cos the other team had no ball. F***’s sake it went on and on and on. The secretary he kep trying to get the meeting back on track and our young fella sat there waitin’ to get suspended he hadn’t a clue what was goin’ on. Eventually after about half an hour drinkin’ tay, atin custard creams and smoking fags the boys were in great form. Even the oul secretary bollix was grinning ear to ear which was a first in my book. He eventually remembers why we was there and sez “Ahem, what about this case then.” “Two weeks” sez the fella that knew our Mick. “The referee’s report isn’t clear enough on what happened so it’s not that bad.” Well there was blood on the report as far as I could see and I dunno how he got away with it at all but the boyo left the meeting and hadn’t had to open his bake. “What was that about Ger?” Sez he. “Shuttup” sez I “and get into the car.”

Other meetings I’ve been at the player could have machine gunned the entire opposition but because the umpire was a cousin of the ref or the date was wrong on the summons or whatever oul shite the player got off scott free. Oftentimes you can laugh at some cute wee hoor that flummoxes the whole system but when some wicked bastard flays some man with a hurley and gets off on a technicality - that’s shite. I see thon Nickey Brennan telling players to take their oil - what does he expect of lads have been training like East Germans all year and then the lad in trouble sees a glimmer of hope to get playin’ in the championship final. Of course they’re gonna go for it. They’ll try all sorts. I heard a story there about a player that got a straight red - and deserved it too - asking the man who he hit to go up and plead on his behalf so he could play in the final. Sure what sort of nonsense is that? What sort of hoor thinks that way. I do not know. I suppose young ones nowadays ye can’t be up to them. I was chattin to a fella toul me about some of his players that didn’t want to play a league game cos they wanted to go off tippin’ at a ladies football team from another club was playin’ in a county final. The boys had the tail and God knows what else up and the club loyalty soon went out the window.

No harm to them lads but if they played for me two things would happen. I’d boot them in the hole and tell them to f*** away off out of me sight and not come back.

This week in Talking Balls we acknowledge some of the individuals and teams that have brightened up our summer with our inaugural Talking Balls Gongs. If you’ve been Gonged, consider yourself lucky. There are hundreds of Awards that we couldn’t print. All our winners deserve congratulations for their highly entertaining contributions to our enjoyment of the season just ended.

We look back at some of the usual post county season nonsense. The hurlers of Antrim and Galway are incandescent at the thought of playing each other year in year out. Don’t worry lads - we predict it will last a couple of years before it is changed back. Also, Frank Murphy laments the fact that the Cork Championships were adversely affected by the County teams. They probably wish they hadn’t bothered in what was a real damp squib in every sense.

Our man Geezer takes the reins round the Curragh. We await developments with interest as the Kildare squad quake in terror at the arrival of Mr Commitment.

Speaking of commitment Brian McIver does Arnie with an ‘I’ll be back’ return to Donegal. Will next year be any different?

Ger attended a blitz with his grandson and found the whole thing an uplifting experience.

As they weather gets cold, if the cap fits wear it. For all other coverage, there’s always Talking Balls.

The Talking Balls Gongs

Forget the GPA awards, the Irish News All stars, the Vodafone All Stars - Talking Balls wants to recognise our very own heroes of whether it be individual excellence or a team performance that merits further recognition. We hereby announce the first series of Talking Balls Gongs for the season that was. There may be more next week if our selection panel sobers up.

The Oliver Hardy that’s Another Fine Mess You Got Me into
Brian McIver. In and out more often than the hokey cokey, whatyemecallit.

The Britney Spears Award for your dirty linen is so dirty you can’t wear it in public…
Winners: Clare hurlers, for their entire sorry assed PR disaster of a season. So much dirty linen being washed the whole plumbin’ was on display. Oops they did it again.

The Amy Winehouse Shambolic Public Appearance Award
Winners: the Derry camogs for their well publicised post-All Ireland piss up. They’re tryin’ to make them go to rehab but we say no, no, no.

Honourable mention: Galway hurlers for not knowing whether they were coming or going in a manner of speaking. Come in Ger, your time is up.

The Meritorious Award for a Premature Spurt, sponsored by Viagra
Donegal footballers - national league winners. Need we say more.

The OJ Simpson Award for Total Innocence with not a Whiff of Guilt - Play on te f***:
Joint Award: Paddy Bradley, Derry and Peadar Carton, Dublin. Enough said.

The ‘I Predict a Riot’ Award for Disorder in a Public Place
The Cork and Clare Hurling Teams for the disgraceful displays in front of school children in Thurles. The likes will never be seen again we hope… or do we care.

The Coca Cola Bottlers Award
Antrim footballers and Tommy Cooper Cup Finalists for, well their mishap in the final moments of the Fez Final. Comedy or what?

The Castlereagh Barracks Award for Grief Under Pressure
To Eddie Brennan for his ‘Welcome to the real world’ introduction for Seamus Hickey in the All Ireland Final.

The Play it Again Sam Award
Waterford hurlers. Hit play, one more time.

The Great Communicators Award
The Dublin Football team and management for their contribution to excellence in communication on and off the field of play.

The Emperor’s New Clothes Award
To the Monaghan footballers. Lost to Tyrone and Kerry, won a pile of Ulster All Stars and four Vodafone All star nominations but f*** all else.

The Emergency Room Award for Services to Medical Science
Tyrone Senior Football squad. Never in the history of gaelic and athletic have so many been injured and so few available.

The Bundoran Tourism Association Wet Winter Weekend Award for Boredom
The Leinster hurling counties for a senior competition that would bore the hole of a saint.

Suppernanny Golden Globes Award for Big Weans everywhere
Goes to… Babs Keating. Babs outbursts are worthy of any two year old.

The Twenty Major Awards for Excellence in Tobacco Consumption
Waterford’s Jackson Kiely - the one and only.

The Marrow Down the Trousers Trophy For Uro-genital Enhancement
Jointly to Billy Morgan, the Cork Examiner and Sanyo Digital Recording Devices.

The ‘Only the Big Lads hang Out in Here’ Award for underperformance under pressure…
Goes to the Cork footballers for the non-event that was the All Ireland Final.

Status Quo in Munster

The Munster Council have voted 8-7 to return to a seeded football draw. Sceptics in the weaker counties believe that this will ensure a Cork and Kerry final year in year out. Talking Balls hopes to bejaze that something can be worked out as we couldn’t sit through another All Ireland Final like this one and come to think of it the last few All Ireland Semis featuring the same two.

In 1990 the so-called weaker counties got together to force the likes of Cork and Kerry to accede to an open draw.

Talking Balls hero Jackson Kiely admitted the other day, after a long toke on one of his trademark Majors that Waterford would struggle to beat one of the big two let alone two of them. He’s right we think, every dog could have its day but it usually doesn’t get it twice. Whether Cork now consider themselves among the weaker counties is a moot point - certainly Waterford’s surrender in the Munster Championship was no worse than Cork’s performance in Croker.

Sez the Jackson: “Whatever chance you have of beating one of them, it’s highly unlikely you’d be able to beat the two of them. This way, you could be looking at Kerry and Cork finals for another 50 years. I’m very disappointed. The one thing they could do would be to bring in a round-robin for the other four teams, but that’s not going to happen because of all the club activity.”

Jackson added: “They had a round-robin in minor football and you had some pretty decent performances from them. It’s the reason why Waterford won an U21 title, out of a good minor team. Then Cork and Kerry saw the other boys were catching up and it was back to square one.”

The Munster Chairman pointed out that counties were better playing at their own standard and if they sorted things out amongst themselves they could maybe get a tilt at the likes of Kerry. Sean Walsh of Kerry blamed falling attendances as his motivation for supporting the plan.

Talking Balls has the solution. We think that Munster should club together and create one of those divisional teams they are so fond of down there and play off against Kerry. The could call themselves ‘The Rest of Munster’ or ‘Anti-Kerry’ or whatever the hell they want but one things for sure - it’s the only way to stop the Kingdom moving beyond Limerick junction on their inevitable way to Croker for their handy three match run in to collect Sam.

DJ Retires

Hurling legend DJ Carey ends his career this weekend by playing his final club game for Young Ireland. Young Irelands play Mullinavat at Nowlan Park in a relegation play off.

DJ is expected to retire after the game. In case anyone has forgotten: he has won five All-Irelands, nine All-Star awards, four NHL winners medals and two Kilkenny SHC medals as well as various minor and Under-21 All-Ireland’s.

Talking Balls certainly shook the oul head many’s a time at his exploits on the pitch.

Fair play - DJ.

New Qualifiers - Nobody Happy - They Never Are

Legendary Cork Secretary Frank Murphy has lambasted this summer’s qualifiers for the effect they had on club games in Cork. This - the county of hundreds of clubs, God Love them.

Yes the travails of thirty county men bollocksed the entire season for hundred of club players in Cork and the Clubs aren’t happy. Would it have anything to do with the fact that the special ones were beaten, yes beaten three times in the one Championship season and didn’t even make it to the All Ireland semi-final. Welcome to our world sayeth the other counties that occasionally get a crumb from the top table.
“The clubs instructed me to say that it’s time to call a halt to the preponderance of intercounty games that are smothering club activity. The Association will ultimately pay a very severe penalty for what is undoubtedly neglect at club level,” he commented. Had they won the All Ireland would there have been word? Talking Balls doubts it.

HDC Chairman Ned Quinn argued for the changes pointing - they wish to remove meaningless games against the likes of Antrim and free up weekends for club games. This despite the fact that any number of random Kilkenny club selections could probably kick the asses of many county selections. Bitter opposition came from Antrim Chairman Dr John McSparran - whom we know suffers from delusions of grandeur, with a soupçon of paranoia - more on him later - Galway chairmen, Gerry Larkin, and later Galway secretary Bernie O’Connor.

Dr McSparran railed against the hurling machine - the whole plan was concocted to get rid of Antrim by giving them just two games he claims. And in a ‘we’ll f**&in well show them spur of defiance’ he later announced the Saffrons would enter the Munster Championship. The proposals as passed do nothing for the development of hurling in Antrim and he booted other Ulster counties in the ass for not supporting Antrim, other than Donegal that is. Those traitors from Down didn’t front up either. Sceptics in Ulster would point out that Antrim do nothing for the development of hurling elsewhere in Ulster - in turn Antrim ask why should they? In much the same way actually as the Munster and Leinster counties might say why would we bother doing anything for them boys?

McSparran argued that the proposal had been ‘concocted’ to address the issues highlighted by Ned Quinn. He claimed it would be ‘very expedient to be rid of Antrim after two games’ and that it would do nothing for the development of hurling in Antrim - or for teams considered too good for the Christy Ring Cup and not good enough for the Liam McCarthy Cup.

Galway’s Gerry Larkin, feared the new structure would ‘irreparably’ damage hurling in the counties which were trying to develop teams. It would ‘make the strong stronger and the weak weaker,’ he added.

Frank Murphy, said the past year had been the ‘most difficult year’ they had ever experienced in trying to run their domestic competitions, he said. To bleeding hearts everywhere, Frank explained: “Knowing the dual involvement in our county at club level where you could have games held up because of one player on a football team and one player in the hurling team, it made for an impossible summer from the point of view of scheduling of games. It was absolutely essential that this Round Robin situation would be terminated.”

“I’m glad it is gone but at the same time I would have sympathy for Galway and Antrim. They have particular difficulties and we should do everything we can to ensure that their position is met - but not on the basis of retention of a Round Robin system that so adversely affected other counties in terms of their club programme.”

The 2008 League meanwhile will have two six teams groups in Division One: Group 1 - Antrim, Cork, Dublin, Kilkenny, Waterford, Wexford; Group 2 - Clare, Galway, Laois, Limerick, Offaly, Tipperary.

Division Two has Mayo, Meath, Carlow, Kildare, Wicklow, Westmeath, Kerry, Down, Derry, London, Armagh, Roscommon participating. These are the counties eligible to contest next year’s Christy Ring Cup and the groups will be decided on later.

An Exodus From West Belfast to the Wesht - So it Is

Meanwhile unconfirmed reports earlier in the week reported squads of Belfast wans and boys from the Glens on a bit of a run to Estate Agents in Galway, looking to buy property on the basis that they will be down that length a good bit over the next few years.

Flights from Geordie Best Airport, Belfast City, and The International to Knock and Galway as well as the Aran Islands are at an all time rock bottom price whilst sailings from Rathlin Island and Ballycastle to Kilronan and Rossaveale have opened up the Western seabord to the Northern hordes in numbers not seen since the Vikings pulled out of Roskilde bent on rape and pillage - until they saw the state of Connemara that is.

Residents of Galway are bracing themselves for the influx of Westies from Belfast. It is believed there will be thee times the number of visitors from the Athens of the North next year so there will. Advance parties have already been sussing out gable walls for murals so they have. Talking Balls isn’t kidding, so we’re not - big lad.

The story moved on during the week following Dr McSparran’s revelation that Antrim may in fact enter the Munster championship: “Someone has suggested that we refuse to play Galway and instead go into Munster. If we did do that and, in all probability, lose that game, we would than play a Leinster first round loser-which would be an infinitely better prospect than what we are facing.’ So we would.

“If they turn us down, that will merely prove what we already know, that they don’t want Antrim to have a fair chance.”

At this point Estate Agents in Kinsale and West Cork put up a mass of not for sale signs to keep the shafties out. “We don’t want a pile of boys in peaked caps and shell suits coming down here - even for a match” said one Rebel.

Talking Balls doesn’t think that this is funny so its nat, mister.

GAA and AFL to Compromise on Compromise as a Compromise

The PTB from Croker will be meeting their counterparts from Down Under round about the time of the Rugby World Cup Final in Paris. Now would that be before the game or just after or are Talking Balls reports cynical oul bastards after all. Altho’ the two side will get together face to face a la push and touch, they will not engage. No, the meeting will be ‘talks about talks according to good ole Nick. Handy the way the rugby gave them a chance to meet.
‘‘They know where we are coming from so it about finding out if this thing can go ahead. We’re not making a decision on whether it will or not - our talks will revolve around what needs to be done on both sides, particular theirs.”

“Feedback from managers and players suggested that they thought the series should continue. As president I have to consider their views. The discussions that are taking place will simply be to see if there is a possibility it can be resurrected. But my annoyance at what happened last year hasn’t changed.”

Other things they’ll talk about talking about include the poaching of young Irish players like Kevin Dyas and Martin Clarke. Sez Nicky: “In the overall context there’s not that many (going over) but I’m sure the people in Armagh would not want to lose a talented player as they attempt to rebuild under a new manager. We can’t stop these players from going. It is their choice as to whether they want to go or not. We will not be putting rules in place. Whether we continue or not with the International Rules game, I don’t think that will have any great impact on whether these players continue to play Aussie Rules.”

Save chaining young Dyas to the gates of Oliver Punkett Park there’s little he could do anyway.

But Talking Balls still says, bring our boys home. There’s plenty of balls to be kicked here.

Nickey calls for an end to Linguistic Gymnastics and Ventriloquism

An Uachtarain has described the dual standards of discipline we have put up with all summer, nay for years and years as a culture of ‘people speaking out of both corners of their mouth’.

Now if we could just stop you there dear reader and ask you to read the first paragraph out of both corners of your mouth, you’ll be doing well not to cover your keyboard in drool and slabber. That’s a technical point so read on.

“It is annoying and frustrating that individual cases and individuals themselves are challenging the system through legal routes,” he said.

Now that would be the DRA route the PTB created would it?

One of six proposals he is putting before the Rule Book Task Force for implementation envisages the Central Appeals Committee in future comprising people with a legal background. “There’s no question now that when people go through the Hearings Committee and in more and more cases legal opinion is being sought. The members (of the Appeals committee) are not legal people and we are putting them in a crazy position. The thrust of what I was saying was more to do with the whole culture out there. The annoyance I was expressing on behalf of an awful lot of GAA people was at the challenge to some of the cases - and people were not doing the Association a service by what they did.”

He didn’t come out and blame a certain Tyrone GAA Lawyer for quoting Lord Hoffman in the Bradley case at the DRA but that’s probably what he meant. And in a comment obviously not aimed at himself he said he would love to see more people being prepared to put their hand up and admit when they were wrong. In particular, county board officers had a particular responsibility - ‘to the Association at large.’

“Often those counties who take on a case like that are often landed with a case on their doorstep with one of their clubs where they have to do precisely what we are suggesting should be done - and they don’t show the same level of clemency towards players. There are double standards here - people talking out of both sides of their mouths! It’s not easy, I have been there myself. A county chairman can come under pressure from a team manager, but you have to stand up and be counted and take the overall good of the Association to heart.”

Talking Balls has the good of the association at heart so here we go. We admit, sometimes we are wrong. Not often but sometimes.

Devenney Ducks Ulster Club

In the week that Whatyoumecallim got his job back and called for total commitment from the Donegal panel, something that evidently wasn’t evident last year, St Eunan’s ace Brendan Deveney has announced that he won’t be playing in the Ulster Club Championship. What I hear you say? Surely winning with your club is the highest honour the Gods can bestow upon the humble Gaelic and Atheletic Player. Not so for Devenney.

“That’s it for me now,” sez he “I won’t be playing in the Ulster Championship. I am taking a break for a few months as my body just couldn’t take any more. I have had to take injections to be able to play in the last five matches so the time has come to take a break.”

Meanwhile, Thingummybobber’s reappointment comes with a few strings attached with the news that he must rely on a more streamlined management structure. He also is demanding more from the panels reputed to be the country’s biggest party animals:

“Discipline continues to be a big, big priority. The players have taken the first step in that they had discussed that issue before I met with them. They themselves are very much aware that it has to be sorted out. Our aim will be to have players totally committed in every sense. It will be the number one priority to get a team that is totally disciplined and totally dedicated. If I don’t get 30 and I am down to 24, then I will accept that - 24 men who totally committed and every single facet of their preparation is designed to make them the best players in the country.”

The problem is Brian, you might end up with about three totally committed players and then where’ll ye be?

Smoothie Lover McGeeney Paddles his Own Curragh

The least well kept secret in Gaelic and Athletic Circle is out with news that Armagh’s All Ireland winning captain, and gaelic and athletic’s answer to Roy Keane, has followed the Corkman’s footsteps into management with Kildare. Regular fans will know that Geezer retired slightly prematurely from the Armagh set up in protest at the way in which the County board treated his friend Paul Grimley. Although the dogs in the street may claim to know why he actually retired Geezer says:

“No doubt people will say different things about me walking away from Armagh. My friends and family know why the decision was made. There comes a time in everybody’s life when you have to move on.”

“For me every time I stepped out in an Armagh jersey I’ve always known it would be 100 percent. I thought this year that with some of the things that have happened for me I wouldn’t be able to give it 100 percent and that wouldn’t be fair to any county jersey.”

Meanwhile marketing circles are awash with speculation that on the back of the McGeeney tie up, fruit smoothie company Innocent may hook up with the Lilywhite’s whiter than white image to become their shirt sponsors in a deal that would be a perfect match for fruit fanatic McGeeney. Bonita bananas would also be considered an appropriate match given McGeeney’s voracious appetite for fruit and what some people consider his bananas decision to enter the management arena with a team of notorious underperformers.

As he sets out on the management trail, McGeeney has also revealed he may have to reconsider his playing career. Somehow we can’ see him out playing for the reserves. He also has said he will consider his membership of the GPA especially considering he is technically no longer a player. Although Kildare Chairman Syl Merrins is as pleased as a pooch with four plums, it is not known what the Kildare players think.

One player said to no-one in particular, “I’m actually a bit afraid of him - I’m afraid he’ll f***in kill us. We were happy being shite.”

The GOAL Shirt challenge - Beerguts on Parade in Tight Shirts Horror

On 19 October, GOAL are asking you to take a deep breath and hold in the oul gut to get your teams shirt on for Goal Jersey day. The point of the exercise -apart from embarrassing middle aged men that should never wear sports gear - is to raise funds for Goal.

Getting involved is easy; just register at www.goaljersey.com and make a small contribution on the day. All the money raised goes to GOAL’s work in the developing world and, with administration costs at just 5%, you can rest assured that your money will certainly reach those who need it most.
GOAL currently works in 11 countries throughout Africa, Asia and South America.

Over the years, the sports enthusiasts’ charity has provided many historic sporting moments. And GOAL has received great support from the sporting community itself. Amongst those backing Jersey Day 2007 are British Open Golf Champion Pádraig Harrington, former rugby great Gordon D’Arcy and Gaelic and athletic’s Sean Óg, DJ Carey, and Henry Shefflin.

Last year over 420 schools and thousands of companies signed up for Jersey Day, raising over €350,000 for the poorest of the poor.

On October 19th, throw on a jersey and help GOAL throw out poverty.

Talking Balls Link: To join the fun and get your information pack, register at www.goaljerseyday.com or call GOAL on 01 2809779.

If You Get a Ticket for the Nally… You’re in the Wrong Place…

Last week in An Charraig Mór - like a phoenix from the flames, Croke Park’s oul Nally stand remerged at the bottom corner of Pairc Colmcille’s pitch. Idiosyncratically located in exactly the same corner of the field as it stood in Croker, the stand is a testament to the mentality of the Carmen club. The stand was taken down piece by piece in Croker and brought back to the heart of Tyrone where it was lovingly reassembled in situ. The Carrickmore club now has probably the best behind the goals stand of any club in Ireland.

At the official opening of the stand, former GAA President Sean Kelly said:

“The people of Carrickmore have shown great foresight, but also great generosity and courage to take on the responsibility of getting the stand up from Croke Park and erecting it here. This is the only stand to have survived, and it makes it even more important.”

They have asked Talking Balls to remind any counties knockin’ down stadia to build supermarkets that they will take any second hand stands away at no extra charge. Already there are rumours that the Guinness stand from Landsdowne Road will be erected in the Main street in Carrickmore to offer a better viewing point for the Easter commemorations.

Focus on Foreign Games

Occasionally we take a look at Foreign Games. This week we’re loving it.

“We know that Wayne can penetrate, that Cristiano Ronaldo can penetrate and Carlos can in a different way so I’m happy.”

So said that oul bollox Alex Ferguson in praise of his team. Obviously you know something the rest of us don’t Alex.

It’s official. The Irish Rugby team weren’t shite in the World Cup. It was all a horrible blip. Come the all important Six Nations, all will be well and Ireland and the other Micky Mouse countries will be able to battle it out for the most second rate competition in world rugby and sure that’s all that counts. The coach’s job is safe and sure the world cup is a stupid oul thing anyway. Gaelic and athletic begrudgers everywhere including Talking Balls say thanks be to jaze the oul oval ball game has took a bit of an oul kick in the balls. The oul momentum it was getting was putting us under a bit of pressure but sure now the ball’s burst and they can go back to their pints-swilling-song-singing-blazer-and-silly stripey-tie-molly-malone-jolly-japery.

Oh, and will the last rugger bugger out of Croker turn off the lights, cos ye won’t be back ye shower of useless hoors. Ireland’s Call, me hole.

Be Prepared, Be Prepared.

This week Resident expert Ger Manas took the opportunity to go to watch some youngsters kicking balls in an under sevens competition. He was refreshed at what he saw.

It’s a true thing that most players I ever had the privilege to work with loved their clubs. Many’s an arse I managed too who wouldn’t have cared if their club folded so long as they were about a county team, or whatever. A bit of fame and they soon forgets who trained them and the men that’s put in the hours week in week out to coach them to correct whatever bad habits they have or whatever they can’t do right. The ones with brains understand that but there’s many’s a dumbf**k pulled on a gaelic or hurlin’ shirt and theirs is the loss.

The club’s the thing for me no doubt about that - the county men gets their glory but at the club ye see fellas that would split an atom if they thought it would win them a match against the oul rival over the river. The good club player will play all the games he can and that includes hurlin’, football - bloody golf if they have to.

The thing about the clubs as you boys know too is that it starts early. And watching young ones with their shirts on and them as proud as punch, struttin’ onto the field - jaze twould bring a tear to a statue’s eye. Last weekend the daughter’s cub was toul he and his wee group would be goin’ off to play in a wee fun games competition. There’s about twelve of them trains every Saturday doing balls skills and them fundamentals and all that shite. The youngsters is aged from 5-7 and the wee grandson he’s only five but he’s a great wee nipper and him and his cousin that’s seven - they spend every hour day and night kickin’ ball and hurlin’. They have them GAA store goals up - great job them things - and there’s more matches in the back yard in a week than there are in Croker in a year. Ye’ll see Ryan McMenamin get stuck into Henry Shefflin in a moment of confusion that even that eejit Mark Vaughan couldn’ think up.

There’s the occasional delay when the ref has to recover the ball from a tree and sometimes the oul hound-dog might decide to take a load off round about the forty-five, or worse again leave a load on the twenty-one. The groundsman then will have to come one and do a bit of oul pitch repair before the ball’s hopped and the game’s back on. The lads love it. Any visitors get roped into a game and I’ve seen the wife out in the support stockin’s doing goals as the size four Go Games balls sails past her head over the bar.

There’s more natural hazards in the back yard and I remember Tiger Woods oul boy Earl telling me once that he’d prepared Tiger for every eventuality by putting him off his stroke every way he could. He was like that eejit Cato in the Inspector Clouseau movies, the Black Panther or whatever they were called. Jaze, oul Tiger would be lining up one in the bog and the da would lep out of the airing cupboard and scare the shite out of him. ‘Be prepared’ he would say - bit like Japeth the Goat in the Hoodwinked move. Twas Geezer told me to watch that movie -Jaze it’s as funny as bedamned (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HSuXWVzAz0) . I use the goat as a video now to show me players.

Anyway, back to the youngsters - we headed off to watch the oul blitz. Out appears our lads for the game - the ouldest seven - the youngest five - and them proud as could be with their club shirts on and them rarin’ to go for their first ever game. The crowd they were playin’ from up the country looked like they were oul hands and they had a wee girl in midfield that could catch, kick and run. She was as mobile as could be, red headed and not afraid to get stuck in. When the ball was threw in they tore into our lads. One wee lad proved himself to be a solid wee defender - when he caught the ball he knew to run out the side and hoof her down the field. The other lads took a while to get into it - meanwhile the points went over and the goals went in for the other team. Our lads got a score here and there but when it came to the oul duck - going in rootin’ about and winnin’ the ball they were novices - what else do you expect from a five year old or a six year old. But they were as game as pheasants. Our fella caught the ball at one stage and immediately the other wee lad caught him man and ball everything and popped the ball - jaze he was a like a junior geezer the way he hit him. I could see the young grandson - the tears welled…. the back garden matches are one thing but this was for real.

In the next game we played the same team again for the craic and they asked me to ref it. I evened things up by givin’ our lads a few handy frees and clamped down on some of the more rugby style tackling. Seven v Seven in a small pitch means there’s no space but the lads did better. I gave the oul grandson a handy free - I reckoned he needed the break and jaze I could feel the lump in my throat -he picks up the ball, steps back, wee chest out and head up, back of the sleeve across the nose and eyes. The confidence was back in him. He knew could kick a point here and that’s what he did - sailed her over the bar. Had to wipe me own nose and eyes meself. After that he was happier. The other wee lads kept her lit too. They drew that match I think - I couldn’t keep track of the score so I called her a draw anyway. In the last game they did to another wee team what had been done to them in the first game. One wee lad from the other team sat down to pick grass round about the middle of the park. Another walked off saying he had to go for a drink. Three wee teams - each at a different stage. Meant the world to some of them tho’ and that’s what mattered. And they had fun.

And there it starts. Twas the best day out I had all summer.