Talking Balls Issue 25 - Well Informed Ignorance
Talking BallsThis week live from France. Vive la difference - vin rouge, moules et frites and total decadence Parisian style. Yes, champagne tastes, beer money - that’s us - but all on expenses of course!It’s getting quieter and quieter for Talking Balls. The championship’s gone like a red sail in the sunset and all we see comin’ over the hill is wet winter club championship football. Yep, ye standin’ there in ball freezing cold and pishing rain to watch a game end 1-4 to 0-5 - muck clabbered everywhere, hypothermia all round and maybe the odd bit of boxin’ too as the oul pride and passion overheats.
A few interesting items on our agenda - the PTB are lookin’ at discipline again - we will report back on that next week. The aussies are home to help their clubs - is it fair or does it matter? How bad are the Ireland rugby team, did Geordan Murphy do a Roy Keane and is it true he forgot his passport and that’s why he couldn’t get out of France. We don’t know - just askin’.
We take a look at the plight of the Irish hurley maker, and Ger takes Eamon Coleman’s advice seriously and nearly burns the house down.
The format for the hurling championship is still under the microscope - let all the teams play in Munster is our solution. Also, as the All star nominees are announced we ask are the GPA Awards and the Vodafone Awards in competition - the answer is, of course they’re not.
No word of Geezer taking the Kildare job yet. The negotiations are stalled over his fruit ration - apparently he won’t take a salary but wants paid in bananas and cherries.
If you talk shite, keep her lit. Otherwise, there’s always Talking Balls.
Aussie Rules Pros to Nobble Nemo
Those darlings of the media Setanta and Aisake Ó hAilpín, home on holliers from their latest stint down under, are set to tog out for Na Piarsaigh in their tussle with Nemo Rangers in the Cork senior football Championship this Sunday. Collingwood’s departure from the super dooper preem-earship or whatever they call it means that Down starlet Martin Clarke is in line to line out for An Riocht in their match in Down. Colm Begley played and apparently starred in the club championship in Laois.
Aware that the gaelic and athletic is still - officially at least - an amateur organization what do the PTG think of these superstar professional players that head off to Antipodea for a ten month stint of warm weather training washed down with a few tinnies of Fosters or XXXX or whatever it is they drink only to return home to oust some civil fella that’s been bustin’ his hoop all summer?
It is rumoured that Nemo or some other Cork outfit will be calling up Ronan O’Gara after Ireland’s pathetic exit from the Rugby Senior Championship this Sunday.
Also in the news, Eoghan Rua in Coleraine will not be calling upon Andrew Trimble services - it is understood they have a settled panel and young Trimble will be held in reserve maybe for next season.
Champions League for Hurling
No, before you get all excited at the prospect of Dan Shanahan going head to head with Paolo Maldini and the boys, the matter in hand refers to comments from the Chairman of the Hurling Development Committee Ned Quinn. In a nod to the quality in Munster, Ned has indicated that within five years we will have a Champions League Style format - all for the good of the game you see. Oh and by the way Ned is also Kilkenny chairman:
“For the moment, I don’t think anybody is going to stand up and propose abolishing the Munster championship. If you were to examine what has happened since the backdoor system was first introduced, we have modified it, changed it, moved it and we are still ending up with a somewhat inequitable system. It’s very hard to get what would be described as a fair system for everybody. It may be fair for some, but not everybody.” It also appears that the Leinster counties voted 10 to 2 again Galway entering the Leinster championship - the reason for this? The strength of their underage hurling.
Just so Talking Balls understands this the Munster Hurling Championship is going to be abolished to make the whole thing more competitive. Leinster won’t let Galway in whether they want it or not cos they’re too good at underage and therefore might make it more competitive. So Galway can feck away off and sure all the moaners that complained about them winning this year’s U-21 championship after playing just two games can feck themselves too. Let them sit on their holes most of the summer while Leinster play with themselves.
On related point, An Uachtarain Nicky B is planning to pump money into the next tranche of counties to make the breakthrough. Waste of money says Munster Chairman Jimmy O Gorman with all the arrogance of a Corkman, except he is from Waterford:
“I don’t see a whole lot of sense in piling a lot of money into the weaker counties. If I had my way I would be putting a lot of money into the strong counties and keeping the strength up there.” I suppose he might be worried that Waterford’s already slim chances of winning the All Ireland with the current crop of players might narrow if the woodpile was interspersed with afro Americans if you get our drift.
He added: “With the exception of Offaly and Clare coming through in the 80s and 90s, it has really been the same counties the whole time. The strong hurling counties from day one have remained strong. I would like to see the structures remain as they are and we (in Munster) are the standard bearers. We had a very good Munster Championship this year. We had six great games in Munster and we had five teams in the qualifying series.”
Six games. Boys a dear.
Personally speaking Talking Balls would rather watch Galway U-21s in action or a Munster Hurling Championship tie between Cork and Waterford than all the Leinster matches you can dream of.
Talking Balls has an idea - why don’t the Leinster teams apply to play in Munster? Now there’s a thought.
Better that than the Alice bands, players diving, bombastic and pompous anthems (worse than Ireland’s Call) before matches, ineffective but breathless punditry and interminable series of matches - that is what we understand by Champions League. Not Thurles, burgers cooking, pints of stout, boys like Niall Quinn in the Crowd and Davy Fitz on the pitch playing the opposition, his demons and the opposing support all at the same time. Ned will ye ever feck away aff.
Four for Farney
Monaghan Boss Seamus McEneaney is happy enough that four of his Monaghan team are nominated for the All Stars. Talking Balls hopes that the City West has the translators on hand for the serious amount of verbal tank emptyin’ that is sure to go on come All Star time. Monaghan are sure to gain at least one slot on the team - or are they. This is the team that didn’t win the Ulster Championship and got bate by Kerry. Tyrone on the other hand won the Ulster Championship and were beaten by Meath at the same stage. Donegal, who won the National League must wonder why they bothered their hole.
Especially midfield powerhouse Kevin Cassidy who after a year on the wings, after a few stout landed him in hot water - and ultimately across the pond. His comeback was marked with a series of tremendous league displays. Not worth a shite - if you want to do it - do it in front of the TV in mid summer rather than on a wet Saturday night in February.
Imagine what Monaghan would be like if they actually won something?
Mullingar - Metropolis or What?
News has reached Talking Balls plush 15 seater capacity studio office of plans to build a 28,000 all seater stadium in Mullingar, Westmeath costing €40 million. We ask just one question:
Why?
In the 1996 census Wetsmeath’s population was 63,314 but Talking Balls thinks that the good people of Westmeath have maybe been getting a bit of action since then so we will project that the population now might have hit say 80,000 people. Are we seriously to expect that on any given Sunday 35% of the county’s population will head down to a match. And if they do, how many times each summer will Pairc Elephant Ban be filled?
Shorts or Socks
Donegal Manager Brian McIver looks like being whatyamecallit, reappointed after his midsummer U-turn. He has beaten off Charlie Mulgrew, Jim McGuinness and Donal Reid to get his job. The things these boys will do for love of the game. Thingummyjigger.
Derry Captain Kevin McGuckian’s bid to land a unique double is still on after the Ballinderry men timbered Kilrea in the Senior Championship Quarter Final. As already reported in Talking Balls, Kevin has had the unique honour of not only captaining Derry in the All Ireland Quarter Final against Dublin - he has also won a reserve championship medal with Ballinderry. Keep her Lit Kevin.
If you’re about Scotland on the 13/14 October take a run up to Fort William for the annual Shinty internationals. The Scotland team are managed by Ally Ferguson - no relation we think of famous soccer manager Alex who has had a successful reign with English team Manchester United.
‘Billy Morgan faces six months if not a lifetime away from the sidelines for a Category IV’ infraction under the gaelic and athletic’s Official Rules, an area that includes “threatening or abusive conduct towards, or threatening language to, a referee, umpire, linesman or sideline official. Colourful Billy told the linesman what he thought of him during the All Ireland Final.
Hurling Repair Kits. What next - Bicycle Repair Kits
For those of you with a garage full of half busted and split hurleys, Scullion hurls in Antrim are offering the following intriguing item:
Hurley Repair Kit
We’ve put together a kit containing all you need to repair at least 20 hurls. A large majority of hurley repairs are simple cracks in the toe or bás of the hurl and with the right equipment these can be easily repaired and the hurl returned to its former glory. When you require more glue or other materials just re-order them with us via our email.
Kit includes: Tube of Glue, Applicator Gun, Finishing Tape, Metal Strapping, Nails, Sanding Blocks, Brief Guide to Hurley Repair.
Aside from this it is recommended that you have a selection of clamps and a metal bench vice. A small bench sander is
also useful for speeding up finishing of hurls but not essential.
For details: Talking Balls Link: micheal@scullionhurls.com
Save our Sticks
Des Cahill’s the Road to Croker recently visited to Poland to find how a small village south of Krakow is manufacturing 2,000 hurleys a month for export to Ireland. Jaze, isn’t that great altogether people across the country were saying - isn’t the new Europe a deadly job - the next thing ye know them poles will be playing the game too.
The other side of this coin is the plight of the indigenous Irish hurley maker who faces a struggle to get their ash. The Irish Guild of Ash Hurley Makers was set up The IGAHM was established 10 years ago and today has approximately 50 members. In fluctuating economic times this organisation represents hard working individuals whose primary aim is to make an honest and decent living for both themselves and their families.
In 2004/2005 a Constitution was established to protect its members, setting out clearly the modus operandi and how the IGAHM would operate.
Major progress has been made by the various committees over the last number of years which includes and even supply of timber from Coillte to members and keeping carbon-fibre Hurleys in the background
As with other sectors of manufacturing in Ireland today, there now exists a number of threats to their livelihoods which range from rising inflation, resulting from spiralling costs. Fuel, light and heat, labour etc, which ultimately increases the cost of production.
Furthermore, there is now a more potent threat in the form of production and supply from abroad where the IGAHM cannot compete in terms of overheads due to the price of labour and materials.
It goes without saying, that if this trend were to continue the Hurley market would be flooded with an imported product/substitute which if not contested, could possibly destroy the livelihood of approximately 150 families throughout Ireland.
We’re not saying don’t buy a hurl from a pole but we are saying support your local team.
Talking Balls Link: www.igahm.com
Gaelic and Athletic Shirts - the Number’s Up
The PTB have announced that to assist the blind, the inform and the huddled masses, county teams will be required to have numbers on the front and back of their shirts from next season. No-one from O’Neills was around to comment but if they were they would rubbing their hands at all those lovely orders coming in. Is Nicky Brennan on commission or what?
It is believed that Club shirts will be next altho’ given the logistical issue of having hundreds if not thousands of clubs replace their kits with numbers front and rear has obviously not been thought through.
No Tit for Tat
The GPA/Opel and Official Vodafone All Stars are not engaged in a childish quarrel over who can get their awards out firs. This even though the gaelic and athletic folks have announced their awards much earlier than in previous. The dirt has hardly been scraped off the boots before players will have to throw on the oul black tie and head on down to the City West.
Talking Balls meanwhile is still in negotiations with sponsors. If successful we will announce a competing awards scheme, possibly based around the most attractive player for each position in ladies football and camogie and maybe football and hurling. The marketing people have already come up with the slogan for the hurling awards - the innovative campaign is based on Nickey Brennan’s well made ppoint that most people wouldn’t recognize a hurler if they jabbed them with their stick. The advertisement we can exclusively reveal will say: ‘Would you pull the helmet off this fella?’
Burning the Hurls
This week resident expert Ger Manas reflects on his dealings with emergency services when he took Eamon Coleman’s advice literally. Thoughts too on the Cork prospects for three in a row after last week’s All Ireland Final victory for the Rebeltotties.
The late Eamon Coleman toul big Brian McGilligan to burn the hurls - that is according to that arse boxer Joe Brolly. What the f*** would he know sez I te meself but sure Brolly has an opinion on everything. Any McGilligan and burnin’ hurls.
Well, in a bid to red out the garage I decided one night to do just that - so we gathered up the various bits of shafts, bás and grips that we had been lifting at fields round the county on the spurious grounds that ‘thon boy might want his grip back.’ The grandweans were going ash over tit right left and sliotar so it was time to throw the hurleys on the fire and see just what exactly Eamon Coleman was talking about.
Well f**k me what a conflagration. The ash lit up like Croke Park for Dublin v Tyrone. The cat took off, scalded round the arse and within minutes and I mean minutes there was flaming bits of soot falling down the chimney. With no Victorian orphans or any other houngsters about to send up there into the abyss to put the thing out I had to see about calling the fire brigade. Hurling wouldn’t be the first love of some of these lads altho’ they were more than happy to help - if not a little bemused to understand why a hurling man would set fire to his sticks and nearly burn his own house to the ground. I muttered something about knee injury, recently retired in a forlorn attempt to pass the incident off as the actions of a depressed and disillusioned superstar gone to seed. That didn’t work when a fella from our reserve team arrived breathless. He had been training when the call went up and arrived directly at the scene of the crime rather than divert via the station. He had a quare laugh at me I’ll tell especially as I’d been given that oul lecture that a proper clubman plays both codes and coaches a few hundred young wans when they get the chance.
I hope the boul Coleman was watching down from somewhere on high, maybe blowin on the flames to stop them getting’ out of hand. He might have known a lot about football, but I would have toul him ‘youse boys know nathin about burnin’ hurls.’
I took a look at the Cork women win the football last year. I’d be a camogie fan mesel women pullin’ on balls does it for me every time and there’s somethin’ firce graceful about a good camog in full flight. That might me sound like an oul pervert but I’m not and I’ll kick a man in the hole that says it. I haven’t got to grips with women playin’ football yet. They look over-balanced or something when they go to lift the ball but I have to say now I was impressed last week with both teams and their skill. It was a good high scoring game because to be honest I thought last year’s was shite. I was disappointed to hear tho’ Cora Staunton one was a bit off after the game. Man or woman, boy or girl, on this bus or the other, ye have to take your wins and yer losses the same. A winner can stand losing because they see the point in the whole thing. A loser, even when he wins, wins badly. The losers’ll be the boys jabbin’ fingers at ye and shite talking or trash talking or whatever they call it these days - rubbin’ it in to a fella that’s gutted to be bate.
I see Juliet Murphy the Cork captain says she’s worried the team may not stay together and’ them goin’ for a possible three in a row. I understand with women they may want to go and have youngsters or they maybe miss getting’ out to a dance or two but they’re no less committed than the fellas. I just thought it was strange now to hear that. Can ye imagine Paul Galvin saying that them Kerry hoors might not stick together for the three in a row?
I bet half the country wishes them fellas could f*** off and get pregnant to give the rest of us the chance - ye can just see big O Se paddlin’ about with his big bump down to the gynae ward now can’t ye? Or Galvin himself sayin’ me waters is broke - f***, he’d give the midwife some earache. I saw the Cork women say in the paper they don’t get travellin expenses and then last year there was a big hullabaloo - the Cork girls lost their sponsor. The funny thing is the women’s football is probably better organized than the oul camogie- still an all both sports are doing well but they need more help.
Anyway it was nice to see the women get their day in Croker and there was a good oul crowd watchin’ on the telly. The Cork women too will be top of the pile. They should maybe play a challenge match again’ the footballers. Only thing is - they might beat them!