Talking Balls Issue 24 - Well Informed Ignorance
Talking BallsAs hurling legend TS Eliot said, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper. He could have been talking about this summer’s football championship. Yes, Cork. Between the idea and the reality… falls the shadow.
But for the breathtaking displays of Kerry and the Gooch in particular Talking Balls wonders what it’s all been about. No romance, no giant killing, no controversy, nothing to set the pulse racing. Armagh bowed out a pale shadow of what we thought they would be; Donegal’s early season hype ended up being just that; Tyrone were finished before Kerry even got started; the Dubs a lot of piss and wind as usual and usual they failed to even make the All Ireland Final.
So what were we left with? Cork - in Croker - playing football. Kerry gobbled them up and spat them out. Cork were left throwing punches and that’s about all they did. If an under twelve made the error Ger Spillane did he would be clipped round the ear. And as for the keeper - like a Eunuch - he poses no threat inside the box.
This Sunday it’s the turn of the ladies, and let’s hope they have a day out like their arch rivals the camogs. We’ll be tuning in on Sunday for the fourth and final All Ireland Sunday. Jaze September’s some month!
Ger looks back at last week’s fayre and he gives the Ulster Council the thumbs up for trying to do something about students. Someone has to!
Remember, if you’re going to college, the recommended daily intake isn’t ten pints, a pizza and the first member of the opposite sex you meet who looks as desperate as you are. If you can’t resist, there’s always Talking Balls.
Drink, Drugs and Sausage Rolls - Off the Student Menu
Ulster Council GAA, in partnership with Squareball (who else), are launching a health promotion campaign targeted at students - in the language they understand! Squareball is particularly delighted to be backing the campaign as we are such a clean living bunch…
“Drink, Drugs and Sausage Rolls” is inspired by student tales of late night takeaways, too much drink, addictions to Neighbours and even occasional exam pressures! The funny but factual campaign is targeted at student Freshers’ Fayres at university campuses and FE colleges across the province.
Aileen Tohill, Lifestyle Manager with the Ulster Council, said: “Students’ lifestyles are notoriously unhealthy. We mightn’t get all of them off the sofa, off the beer and off the pizzas and chips - but we want to give them a good idea of what’s good for you and what isn’t. The average student puts on over a stone in weight in their first year because of their lifestyle - that can’t be good for you. This campaign tells it straight in the language they understand - hopefully it will help them get the message and wise up health wise!”
The focal point of the “Drink, Drugs and Sausage Rolls” Campaign will be the eye-catching Ulster Council GAA/Squareball stalls at the Freshers’ Fayres and the upcoming University Health Week, where students can pick up lively but informative leaflets on drink, drugs, stress, nutrition and exercise, as well as year planners.
And, as well as being turned on and tuned in on good health, students will have the opportunity to stand out from their classmates, by getting Squareball discount vouchers on the day!
Aileen added: “We are delighted that Squareball is our partner in this campaign - their strapline is ‘Playing is Only Part of It’ and that is a key part of our message in encouraging students to ‘empty the tank’ in a responsible way, on and off the pitch.”
This campaign is part of the Ulster Council GAA’s wider Health, Wellness and Lifestyle programme which has already been highly successful among club and county members, as well as with primary and secondary school children.
McGeeney A Real Orange Man
In the week that he announced his possibly premature retirement from playing inter-county football, legendary hero of Armagh has revealed that he is a true Orangeman in every sense of the word. Yes, Armagh’s own man from Del Monte revealed that he spends €35 every couple of days on fruit. He didn’t revealed if this has any catastrophic impact on his digestive system but it certainly is a boost of green grocers and fruit sellers nationwide.
Geezer is also in the news because he has been linked with the vacant Kildare manager’s position - the rumour mill suggesting he will team up with former Armagh and Cavan Assistant boss Paul Grimley. The thought of McGeeney landing into the set up and being able to pump more iron, run faster, jump higher, eat more fruit, watch more movies, go out less often, be more serious looking, must be striking fear and trepidation into the Kildare men. Talking Balls reckons it could only be worse if Roy Keane took the job or indeed former Kildare hard nut Larry Tompkins decided to turn up back at his native county and take the lads out for a run.
Stories last week had onlookers in a Dublin gym who happened to be the Irish rugby team ask who is the Kiwi when they saw McGeeney in action in the gym.
Talking Balls had occasion to speak to Geezer once a couple of years back and we exhorted him not to retire and as they usually do he listened. Unfortunately we didn’t get the chance this time but as the man says, he hasn’t gone away you know.
The Special One for the Special People
Unconfirmed reports from the self styled People’s Republic of Cork are suggesting that former soccer manager Jose Mourinho is in the frame to take over from Billy Morgan as manager of the Rebels football team. Well it certainly needs something or someone special after Kerry roasted their ass on Sunday.
The Cork Co Board have remained tight lipped about Billy Morgan’s future, but sources in the deep south revealed that discussions are under way to pay Jose’s membership and also to find out if he and Frank Murphy can work together. Murphy is believed to be against the recruitment of a foreign coach - in the case of the blood and bandage that means anyone from outside Cork - and it is believed that Mourinho’s funny accent and Portuguese nationality will count against him. Overwhelmingly in his favour is his total arrogance and self belief and it is believed that if successful he would immediately be given the Freedom of the City which allows him to paddle his own canoe up the Lee.
When asked whether they thought Jose Mourinho was in fact the special one, a few random Cork supporters whooped ‘He is boy.’
Talking Balls told you first.
Still Hurling After All these Years
In a development that puts retired players everywhere to shame and calls into question the gaelic and athletic’s commitment to defeating ageism, Meath Hurling Chairman, TJ Reilly turned out in goal for his club Boardsmill in their Meath Junior 2 Hurling Championship final victory over Rathmolyon at Kildalkey on Sunday.
Most oul bollixes of that age are happy leaning over the wire, tweed jacket on shoulders, cap on head, tokin’ a sweet afton and reminiscing how it used to be when matches were played by fellas wearing their working clothes and brogans and the half-time break was a swig of an oul bottle of tay corked with a bit of rolled up newspaper. After that it was off to milk the cows and goats, before raking in the hay, cutting a load of turf, poaching a few salmon from the local Anglo’s river, then walking thirty or forty miles to a dance for the oul chance of a court and maybe an oul grope of the young wan he ended up marrying. Yerrah twas great.
Not so TJ who’ll be 61 in November, nope, can’t keep him down: “I love the game and, thank God, I’m healthy and still able to play,” “Our goalkeeper got injured in the first round of the championship and lots of the young lads were afraid to go in goal in case they made a mistake. So, I got the call up.”
Typical oul fella to let you down tho’ he had to go and let in one goal. He managed to put a gloss on it:
“Thankfully everything went grand for me. I allowed one goal in which was unstoppable from about five yards out. In the second half I was worried playing into the wind as my puck out was not what it was a few years ago. But we played well and did the business.”
The man ‘minding the house in front of him was his nephew Mark, 26.
After embarrassing the entire county, is he giving it up? As he might say himself, damn the bit of it: “It is a great honour to go out and play and I really enjoyed it. When I was playing most of them weren’t born. If they want me to play next year, I will. If God is good to me, who knows. I played 14 years for Meath back in the seventies and travelled all over the country. I have five senior county medals and earned the county Hurler of the Year accolade in 1975 .”
If someone can get us his address, Talking Balls think his exploits have earned him a Hendrix was a hurler tee-shirt. If you know where TJ lives, let us know!!
GAA Should Help Gamblers Even if They’ve gone to the Dogs…
Oisin McConville has suggested that the GAA should go out and help people with gambling problems. The compassionate appeal follows his own admission that he battled with a gambling problem that was all consuming. The announcement came alongside news that Oisin was publishing his autobiography in November. No doubt we can read all about it then - we can hardly wait. If it is as interesting as Brian Corcoran’s tome on life as a Rebel hurler then it will be worth the pre-launch hype we have endured. Will it lift the lid on life under Joe with his player’s manual, their trips to La Manga and all the rest of it? The funny Masonic shirt symbols, the bag carriers and all the myths/legends around the great Armagh team.
If it does that and gets to the commitment required to be a high level intercounty footballer then great. If it’s from the ‘the lad’s done well obviously’ vacuous nonsense genre of football autobiographies a la Stevie Gerrard, Wayne Rooney and Rio Ferdinand then spare us our Christmas stockings.
The Last of the Unholy Trinity
After Ger the Father, and Tony the son we now have Mike the fiery spirit take over as manager of the Clare hurlers - the last of the Unholy Trinity of Banner management from the nineties to take up the reins.
Let’s just remember what Bugler, Griffin and co are in for. Davy Fitz: “Mike Mac introduced a killer 30 minute run in figure eights around the pitch and I absolutely hated it. Some of the lads dodged half the runs, shattered from the exertions. After the half hour run we moved on to sprints. 100m, 300m, 400, McNamara crucified us. He put us through hell and if he saw the Clare footballers training, we had to remain until they were finished. We started before the Clare footballers and finished after them - simple as that. Mike was never happy… An average training session could range from an hour and forty minutes to two hour and twenty minutes.”
He recounts how Loughnane and McNamare came up with the idea of the Hill of Shannon: “I will never forget the first night of this new form of torture. A full pelt run from bottom to top took roughly 30 seconds to complete and after seven I was absolutely shattered. Mike Mac ambled over and informed us in his monotone voice ‘Well girls, 28 more to go.’”
What does McNamara think of it all? “I’m afraid we have to rebuild. We have to start somewhere like we started 10 or 12 years ago and rebuild again.”
Yes… afraid.
Mike Mac Rugby Fan
Whilst we’re on the subject, McNamara didn’t miss the opportunity to slap his boot into the Irish Rugby team’s woeful performances:
“We are on a slippery slope. We have been spiralling downwards at an alarming rate. The Irish rugby team is an example of a team that has been slipping. This is the biggest problem. If we can arrest the slide maybe we can start to move in an upward direction again. Mistakes have been made in the past, not alone in the last year, but in the past number of years we didn’t keep an eye to what was emerging and maybe renew energies.”
With Babs gone, Talking Balls was worried about hurling next year, but it just got a whole pile colourful again.
Do As I Say, Not as I Do
Talking Balls has learned with regret that Laois Co Chairman, Dick Miller has been suspended for two months for abusing a referee - Leitrim’s Francis Flynn - at half time during his county’s recent All Ireland semi final defeat to Derry. Allegedly.
Anyone remotely interested in this matter will remember that during the replay Laois’s discipline went a little bit awry and two young lads saw red for their troubles.
The story is that Dick took rared up after Laois star turn Donie Kingston was clocked by some Derry hoor as he tried to run off the field at half time. He made his feelings known to the ref and that’s what got him in bother. Maybe if he’d kept the head and a civil tongue in it and tried to be a calming influence on things instead of getting over excited then Laois would have had the chance to get beaten by Galway on Sunday - Dick.
Some Oul Plaque Getting them Hot and Bothered in Down
In their mad rush to cash in on the real estate value of St Patrick’s Park in Newcastle, Co Down, the amber and black PTB have forgotten about some plaque that the Down heroes of the sixties hold dear. Outraged goalkeeper on the sixties outfit Eamon McKay says: “There are many places this plaque could be moved to but very few where it would be given the respect it deserves.”
Down County board member Diarmuid O Cathail said: “The plans for St. Patrick’s Park are still under consideration, so this is not a situation that has been discussed. However we at the Down County Board will make every effort to ensure that the plaque will be moved safely and to somewhere appropriate.”
Talking Balls reckons nobody would give a shite - it’s only because it’s so long since Down have won anything meaningful, in what has after all been a pretty abject and barren period for a crowd who are experts at living on past glory. Even after another crushing defeat a Down man will always be fit to tell you how they were never bate by Kerry and how they had won five All Irelands. If you are still awake at this stage he’ll bore the hole of you by droning on about being the first team to bring Sam across the border - in reality people from Tyrone, Derry and Armagh never recognized the border and wouldn’t be claiming that as an achievement. But then Down people are like that especially up round Holy-wood, Cultraw and Bang-gor.
Anyway, watch this space. We’d be happy to put it up on the office wall, after the Down Co Board have auctioned it to make more lovely money. Lovely jubbly.
Louth football - one backward step for womankind
The week of the All Ireland Ladies football final is a good time to take a look at the state of the ladies game and the degree of acceptance. Things are going grand - the ladies in charge reckoning they’ll get maybe 30,000 into Croker on Sunday.
Not so in Louth. A referee called off a ‘boys’ juvenile match because one team fielded a girl of thirteen years of age. Although in breach of nothing in the Official Rule Book, the Louth Co. Board introduced a local by-law prohibiting females players being members of male sides. The ref literally blew the whistle as Laura Collins lined out for her club Newtown Blues against local Drogheda rivals Oliver Plunkett’s.
Talking Balls always wondered why they called it the wee county, but now we know - insecurity is an awful thing.
Lights Out for Galway
Local Residents and Taisce have come together and seem set to thwart Galway’s desire to turn Pearse Stadium into a floodlit stadium. The lights they claim will be ‘obstrusive’ and will be a blot on the Salthill skyline.
The residents aren’t as bothered about all the blootered holiday makers that visit Salthill over the summer months, leaving blots all over the place. Sounds like a job for Ger.
Railway Cup Coming Home
The Railway Cup, now known as the M Donnelly inter provincial football and hurling finals will be played in October under lights at Croker. Since we don’t have to put up with the Aussies this year, it is hope that there will be a dacent turn out for the football and hurling. But first the semi-finals will played on 13 October in Fermoy where Munster will play Leinster and under lights in Ballybofey where Ulster play Connacht under lights. The finals will throw in at Croker at 5.15 for the football and 7.00 for the hurling.
For those not in the know, one of the most enjoyable games Talking Balls has seen in recent years was the Interprovincial football final at Parnell Park between Ulster and Leinster. One of the most surprising sights was watching diehard Tyrone fans get behind Armagh and Derry players!
Yes, tis a funny oul game so it is.
Going on a solo…
Aussie woman Bree White lines out for London this Sunday in the All Ireland Junior Football Final, in a reversal of the trend that’s seeing young talents like Martin Clarke and Kevin Dyas head down under.
Bree says: “I found it really difficult with a round ball at first, it took me about five or six games to have the confidence to do a solo. The lack of tackling is one difference and gaelic is faster. Aussie Rules is a bit more stop-start because of ‘the mark.”
Well, as our comrades in Squareball tell us, nine out of ten men like a solo - the other one in ten likes watching women on one…
Kerry’s Like a Good Kebab, Fond Memories the Day After
This week resident expert Ger Manas extols the virtues of this Kerry team. And, at a time when students return to hovels nationwide he joins calls for them to make a choice - obesity and oblivion or get of yer hole and do something.
What can ye say about Croke Park last Sunday? Did the real Cork turn up or did it all go badly wrong for Billy’s boys - or are they just shite and if so Kerry’s anything from good to brilliant. There’s wan thing I’d tell me players and that is “don’t be sitting in the dressing room afterwards thinking what might have been, there’s plenty of time for beans later. Now’s the time for frying eggs.” The worst feeling in the world is sittin’ there - all the plans and chat all lyin round the floor like oul wet socks. Billy Morgan talks a good game and there was plenty of talk too how he’d bring in players from different clubs round the county. Well them boys didn’t walk the walk on Sunday. At all.
If it comes to bootin’ boys in the hole, that fella Ger Spillane would have got a serious wellie from me right up his rear end. I know now that he doesn’t need the likes of me to point out where he went wrong but what him and Canty were thinkin’ off defies logic. And as for that goalie. He’ll not be getting’ an All Star this year. The first thing you tell young fellas is don’t cross in front of yer own goal. Ye drum it into them, they learn it at national school from day one. I knew a Christian Brother used to leather boys for clearin’ the ball across his own goal. Why big Canty felt the need to work a move inside his own 21 is beyond me. Alrite, Spillane should have given the ball back to him but he decides then to try and take on Donaghy - who let’s face it with his big long arms and his big long legs is like a f***in octopus. Big Donaghy decides to throw in an oul basketball tackle and plop - out pops the ball. I watched it later on the telly and he had to look twice himsel’ in disbelief that there was no goalie. It was as if the keeper had decided he needed to go off to the jakes but suddenly remembered f*** I’m supposed to be in goals here. There’s all them jokes about now but it was no joke then. That was the end of Cork and probably the end of Morgan. Cork are now up there with Mayo - teams that went up to Croker to play the Kingdom and got well and truly booted up the ass. Ye had the same sense of futility watching them as you had Mayo in 2004 and 2006. They weren’t gonnae win. James Masters is top scorer but who’d he score them again’?
As for Kerry, well average in a year when the other teams were pretty shite or very good and a step ahead of the bunch. Ye would have to reckon the latter. Gooch can’t get much better. I hope he does but he is scorer, creator and inspirer these days. He was throwing dummies like an Italian throws a match. At one stage he dummied again and Canty was already fallin’ over on his hole. He reminds me of Canavan. He doesn’t maybe have the wicked- wee men streak that Peter developed but then maybe the Gooch hasn’t had to deal with some of the defenders that Canavan has. The other point is they would have to catch him first. He’s a wee slip of a cub but jaze he can play. When he scores he has that stupid wee shrug of the shoulder grin. Everyone is sittin’ there jaw on knees and Gooch - he’s like a wee boy just got told all his spellin’s is right. The other man I like is that Paul Galvin. He’s the real McCoy that fella. He goes round startin’s more fires and puttin’ as many out. He looks like one of the Maori fellas with his tattoos and the way he scowls round the place. He’s an abrasive f***er too - but that’s what you want. I talked before about Dooher being the bottom feeder extraordinaire. Galvin is in there too, another fella in rootin’ about where it hurts an by jaze he’s effective. He played for Finuge again’ Stewartstown from Tyrone in the All Ireland Junior club final two years ago and I think he near enough cleaned them out on his own. He can score points, he can tackle, he’s a man knows how to get an oul yella card. And he certainly was pissed off with Pat O’Shea last Sunday for takin’ him off. He worked in Cork for while so I’d say like most of them Kerrymen he’d enjoyed himsel’. At that stage Cork was lookin’ boxin. They were like fellas had had their eye wiped and all the could do was fight about it cos the woman had decided she was going off with the Kerryman. In this case it was the fat girl and she’d started singin’ not long after the throw in.
I was listenin’ to the wireless tellin’ me the Ulster Council’s targetin’ students and other young ones to get them to stop atin shite food, goin on the beer and that. Students get a wile bad name - I managed a few oul student teams in me day and the things they’d be at is unreal. The fellas are desperate lookin to ride the horses and back the women - they go about with the hair all greased up and the tail up lookin for it all the time. The houses they live in - f***’s sake I wouldn’t ask me pigs to live in some of them. But havin’ said all of that most are dacent youngsters out for a bit of oul craic and sure ye’d be at it yerself if you could.
The Ulster Council’s the right idea - no point preachin’ at fellas and girls - ye need to show them a better way to do things. Ye don’t have to be blootered every night. A friend of mine’s a butcher and he toul me a Turkish fella gave him the contract to make his kebabs - them big bits of drippin’ meat that look like a big grey shite. He thought he’d make sure there was plenty of meat in it so he changed the balance to 70 per cent fat and thirty per cent meat. Abdullah comes back to him and says, I need the eighty per cent fat or the whole things falls apart. They’re tasty enough hoors oul kebabs but wakin up in the morning with a Guinness necklace and a shirt front and maybe a pocket full of chilli and garlic sauce can send the best of fellas into the bog for one of them head burstin’ bouts of pukin’. I used to go into student houses to lift two lads for trainin’. One was permanently in bed with this oul one from England - when he got to trainin’ he could barely run - the other fella sat on his hole watching f***in Neighbours, Home and Away and whatever other shite was on. An him, sititin’ there ye’d have needed a crowbar to get him off the sofa. The women’s as bad if not worse - some of the college camogie teams is unreal the things they be at but this is a family show after all…