Twas a quiet week this week for Talking Balls. We had originally planned to follow the Derry camogie team round the country on the trail of mayhem following their last gasp victory in Croker last Sunday but the liver packed it in after one day. Fairplay to the Derry women and Wexford who lowered the Rebelettes in fine form. Both games were a tremendous credit to women’s hurling as the High Priestess of Camogie Liz Howard says she would like it called. The Wexford pitch invasion was a sight to behold.As the groundsmen get the pitch right for Sunday after clearing up all those tears, stiletto marks and smudged mascara we consider the possibilities of an exciting tussle this Sunday and try as we might we can’t talk it up.

Touts continue to rip off real fans so if you happen to see one give them a swift boot to the goolies and make off with their booty, hand it in to Croke Park and they will give you lifetime seats. We’ll that’s what we are doing.

As the season peters out we cast a glance at the treat those Beach Volleyball people have for the people of Belfast this weekend.

In a move that would have our friend Myles frothing, the Aran Islanders are coming across for a match. The much-feared outfit will be travelling all the way to Dublin to play in a sevens match.

We have been watching the game known as rugby and the team known as Ireland. For all the hype they couldn’t have been much worse. As the GPA press on with their Fair Play Award sponsored by Halifax, Talking Balls considers some contenders that probably won’t make the shake down.

If you’re a student heading back to college, as Japeth the Goat says, be prepared, be prepared. For everything else, there’s always Talking Balls.

Croker To Call Time on Touts

Following calls from Talking Balls and other sources the PTB have revealed measures to stop the illegal sale of All Ireland Final tickets on the internet and through other touting sources.

The news comes as online garage sale experts EBay asserts than reselling tickets is not illegal activity and therefore they can be sold online.

Croker has warned that any tickets not sold through clubs would be considered stolen and therefore of no use. The news comes as a number of tickets have been reported stolen - not as many as it is believed Croke Park themselves forgot about or lost a couple of years back when the Hurling Final featured banks of empty seating.

Any punters that have got sorted will be aware of the fancy new tickets being used this year, they no longer fold into your wallet and indeed the glossy red cardboard is so rigid that one of Talking Balls associates suffered a nasty puncture wound to the groin from a sharp ticket corner, just outside Clonliffe College on the way into the Hurling Final.
“The GAA has stated that a small number of tickets for Sunday’s Bank of Ireland All-Ireland Football final between Kerry and Cork have been reported as not reaching their destination and that these tickets are now presumed stolen. With the new security ticket system being used for the finals these tickets will be nullified and will not be accepted by the computer scanning system now in operation for Croke Park. The association have asked supporters to note that holders of tickets which have been reported as lost or stolen will not therefore gain admission.”

The GAA has been in touch with webmasters of dodgy online sites pointing out that their tickets may be worthless. So far no-one has contacted Talking Balls to either offer us tickets or threaten us that the thousands of tickets that we have are no use.

In a separate development holders of premier, box and other long term tickets were warned as to their conduct and threatened with having their contracts terminated.

“Holders of long term tickets who place their tickets for sale on such forums will have the remainder of their contracts bought out by the GAA and their term agreements annulled.” Maybe a few of those precious premiers may not free up for sale.

It is believed that there must have been some funny business ahead of the camogie final last Sunday as there were thousands of empty seats. It is believed these absences were due to confiscations by the Croker PTB - they couldn’t all have been down to the computer balls up that prevented thousands missing the start of the hurling match.

Rugby Boys to be Denied Access to Croker

It is understood from well placed sources that the PTB may be reviewing the agreement that allows the Irish rugby team to play at Croke Park. Talking Balls readers will recall that the two internationals were a resounding success with the dulcet tones of the Queen drifting up Jones’ Road and Les Bleus allezing all the way through the feeble Irish defence.

It is understood that the agreement was based on the Irish team ‘gracing’ Croke Park, not stinking the place up with a repetition of the dung served up against Namibia the other night.

An important source said: “It was bad enough when Tyrone and Armagh were here week in week out with their rugby league style form of football. We just about tolerated that but definitely, unless this Ireland team sort themselves out they will be getting a call to find alternative accommodation. That was atrocious asking people to go all the way to France to watch that crap.”

A spokesman for the rugby people said: “Come the day, come the hower, we’ll answer Ireland’s call, and if that means standing shoulder to shoulder, we’ll stand tall. Roight?”

Derry Camogs Drink Canada Dry (if they could)

After their last gasp winner at Croker last Sunday against Clare, newly crowned All Ireland Junior Camogie champions have achieved another accolade. They are a total mess and that’s official.

After five nights on the beer (and counting) taking in Croke Park après match, Jury’s Croke Park Hotel (where the hotel management weren’t on the same page craic-wise at all), The Big Tree, and Outofyerface Jacks, they headed back up the road for an official welcome home at Slaughtneil. It was back into Maghera and Walsh’s Hotel where several of the team had to book in such was their tired and emotional state. If it’s Tuesday it must be Bellaghy and so it came to pass, the bar stayed open til’ four to allow repeated viewing of the match video we were told. Wednesday was supposed to see the team move on to the fleshpot that is Kelly’s in Portrush for some craic, ceol agus damhsa after a barbecue at a player’s house (we have been instructed by her legal representatives not to name her) but the livers were given a rest. Thursday night was Maghera again and the usual haunts and Friday is God knows where.

Talking Balls reckons if they show the same stamina and dedication to their cause this rip of drink could go on for months. So look out for a bunch of girls with smudged mascara and a few battle scars here and there, grinning from ear to ear and talking total shite that’ll be them. Lock up your son, especially if he’s a farmer.

Mickey Harte too Subtle By Half

The excellent Hogan Stand website claims that Micky Harte thinks Cork can win on Sunday. Talking Balls thinks Mickey is sooooo much thinking the opposite. Read for yourself:

Harte reckons Cork can win but . . .

13 September 2007

Tyrone football supremo Mickey Harte says it’s possible for Cork to upset the odds and secure the Sam Maguire Cup this Sunday at the expense of Kerry but they’ll have to play the game of their lives.

“It’s always a great incentive to beat the reigning champions, so there are lots of reasons Cork would want to win this,” Harte opined. “So I think it’s possible for Cork to win, but they’ll certainly have to play the game of their lives. They do possess a lot of class, allied to a lot of physique and physical presence.”

Mickey has obviously learned the skills of tact and diplomacy and knows how to say they haven’t a snowball’s chance in hell of winning in other words.

Mad Scotsman Injured in Unprovoked Attack. Drunk hurt too

The news is full of the story that soccer manager Alex Ferguson was assaulted by some drunk boy at London’s Euston Station on Monday. Drunken Scotsman, Kevin Reynolds, 43, punched Ferguson in the groin before head-butting and racially abusing a police support officer - the aptly named Peace Toluwa.

Reynolds was taken to a nearby police station and charged. Toluwa suffered a cut lip; Ferguson required no treatment although was said to be shocked and sore.

Reynolds’ lawyer said the defendant had a severe drink problem and had accidentally struck the Old Trafford boss while shadowboxing.

Shadowboxing eh? I bet that fella Mourinho wishes he had thought of that first.

News from the Nort

Editorial Note: references to Northern Ireland Government Ministers have been heavily censored due to legal concerns - these Ministers are by and large a humourless bunch who are prepared to sue anyone who impugns their reputation. Talking Balls can exclusively reveal that some of them are believed to have reputations that are still capable of being damaged.

Executive Ministers this week examined the recent spate of so-called ” sudden death syndrome” incidents involving young people engaged in sports.

The special focus - following the tragic deaths of two young GAA players in Tyrone in recent weeks - is on the potential implications for young people engaged in sports training. We now have the scenario of DUP ministers pronouncing on issues related to matters gaelic and athletic.

Ministers also intend to discuss recent revelations about illegal dog-fighting contests in parts of Co Armagh and elsewhere. As everyone knows by now, all GAA players and members are up to their arms in dog fighting. So much so in fact, that everytime I get in from a hard day at Talking Balls’ headquarters, or come home from training, old Cannonball gives me the glad eye and offers me on.

International Wet Duffel Coat Championship

If you’re in Belfast this weekend you could do worse than call in to Customs Square to take in Belfast’s first foray into the sand-in-your-every-orifice world of beach volleyball. What has this got to do with Talking Balls? Well, we’ve been there, played the game - best of all we’ve got the tee-shirt (Talking Balls Link: http://www.squareball.com/shop/product.php?productid=11&cat=1&page=1)

Sources have revealed that Casement Park wasn’t able to host the weekend’s extravaganza.

So, is it all sun, sea, sand and sex appeal - beach babes and the glamour of summer? Or will the lovely ladies feel a nip in the air from the chilly Belfast weather. Coach Denise Austin revealed that Northern Irish Weather conditions are part of an invaluable training exercise for the stars of the future:

“You have to be able to play in really adverse conditions and we always got good results on the world tour.”

Talking Balls predicts a host of wet duffel coat hangars on display over there in downtown Belfast.

Talking Balls can exclusively reveal that the Tyrone team that had entered the competition has sadly had to withdraw at the eleventh hour due to fears they could not commit to observing the following rules:

MISCONDUCT

23.1 CATEGORIES

23.1.1 Unsportsmanlike conduct: argumentation, intimidation, etc.

23.1.2 Rude conduct: acting contrary to good manners or moral principles, expressing contempt.

23.1.3 Offensive conduct: defamatory or insulting words or gestures.

23.1.4 Aggression: physical attack or intended aggression.

If you do manage to get on down there, here’s a few more extracts from the official rules to keep yourself right…

EQUIPMENT

A player’s equipment consists of shorts or a bathing suit. A jersey or “tank-top” is optional except when specified in Tournament Regulations. Players may wear a hat.

5.1.5 Player’s jerseys (or shorts if players are allowed to play without shirt) must be numbered 1 and 2. The number must be placed on the chest (or on the front of the shorts).

UNIFORMITY OF BALLS

All balls used in a match must have the same characteristics regarding color, circumference, weight, pressure, type, etc.

Official international competitions must be played with FIVB homologated balls.

And Talking Balls favourite rule…

AUTHORIZED CHANGES

The first referee may authorize one or more players:

b) to change wet jerseys between sets provided that the new ones also follow tournament and FIVB regulations.

Their Likes Will Never Be Seen Again

A team of Aran Islanders are to swim across to Ireland before making their way barefooted across Ireland to Dublin where they will compete for the first time ever in the All-Ireland Junior club seven-a-side football championships this weekend. The competition which will once again be hosted by south Dublin club, St. Jude’s Templelogue.

Team spokesman Bonaparte O’Loonasa said: “Tis great being over in Ireland altogether now. We have been training on the beach to get fit and swimming with the porpoises. There’s a lad swims in from Inis Oirr and two come over on a currach from Inis Meann. It can be hard enough to bond the team with three different nationalities but we are confident we have a great defence altogether now. Our forbears built Dun Aengus so that tells you all you need to know about us lads. Yerra.”

Fair Play to Ye Lads

The GPA have announced plans that the winner of their inaugural fair play award will get €15,000 towards the home of their dreams. Talking Balls sincerely hopes there is no oul hanky panky in people cynically trying to win the award. Ye can just see it, Kerry ahead by six on Sunday and Tom O’Sullivan or one of the lads decides to bury her in his own net just to make a game of it and give Cork an oul chance.

We are also wracking our brains to try and remember a single instance of fair play in this summer’s championship. Fair play to the GPA for thinking this up and fair play to the Halifax for sponsoring it.

Some possible winners then of the GPA Fair Play Award:

• Dublin’s Peadar Carton for taking his oil and serving his suspension after undoubtedly pulling on the head of a Tipperary player - Fair Play to Ye Peadar
• Crossmaglen’s McEntee for voluntarily walking off the pitch after his second unnoticed yellow card in the All Ireland club final al those months ago. Fair Play Ye John.
• Derry’s Paddy Bradley for serving out his suspension after feeling ref Barry Cassidy’s collar - Fair Play to Ye Paddy
• A team award to Dublin for the way they brought the term in your face to a new level. Fair Play to ye’s lads.
• To the CCC and all those that suspended Sean Og et al. Fair Play to ye lads.
• The Derry Co Chairman for crying about Tyrone’s point that never was in the Ulster Final. Fair Play to Ye. And Fair Play to the Derry management too for the way they drove her on, said nothing and now find themselves in an All Ireland.
• Jack O’Conor for opening the lid on what a spiteful and grudging oul hoor he really is - Fair Play to Ye Jack.

Small Matter of a Little Local Difficulty in Croker this Sunday

Pat O’Shea and Billy Morgan have been putting the finished touches to their respective teams ahead of the neighbourly spat that is this year’s All Ireland Final. A bit like Tyrone and Armagh bitterness and jealousy among the two sets of supporters is matched by high levels of spectator ennui elsewhere in the country. Talking Balls wonders if the game fails to deliver as a spectacle will the teams have to listen to the same drivel that we heard after the All Ulster Final.

We have been out and about in Munster and we met unprecedented levels of people in Tipp, Limerick and Clare who said they wouldn’t even bother their holes watching it on the box. As Kerry name the same team, Cork draft in James Masters in place of Goulding and Miskella takes the place of the unfortunate Anthony Lynch. Talking Balls would say young James will know fairly early on if his cheek is rosy enough for the game.

The office was full of debate on who will take who - and we’re hoping that there is a match up between Paul Galvin and Noel O’Leary, if no other reason than to keep the people in the cheap seats happy. Other key tussles will be Dara O Se and Nicholas Murphy and whoever picks up Gooch - possibly Canty. Gooch’s big strength is his ability to chameleon-like change his colours from deadly score taker to perceptive playmaker. Whatever hat he decides to wear he takes the watching.

Cork selector John Corcoran reckons that Cork’s run of disappointments will give them the hunger they might need. “It has been very heartening to see the improvement in the team in that time. Yes, there have been setbacks along the way, but to have suffered is the best medicine any team could get. It’s a great feeling to be preparing for an All-Ireland final and we can’t wait for the ball to be thrown in at this stage. I wouldn’t have any worries about the lads being fazed by the occasion. If anything, I think it will inspire them.”

“We’ve left no stone unturned and we certainly believe we can win this All-Ireland. The players are in peak condition, are full of confidence and I honestly don’t think we’ll get a better chance to bring Sam back to Cork.”

Talking Balls has the snooze button set in case we are forced to fall asleep for reasons beyond our control.

Racists Alive and Well and Hurling

Some weeks back we brought you tales of sectarian and racial abuse. Word has reached Talking Balls that Show Racism the Red Card has teamed up with the Gaelic Players Association to highlight the issue of racism within the GAA. As part of their work they are going to issue 25,000 A6 size posters which have the ‘Show Racism the Red Card’ message. Fans are being asked to raise the red cards every time there is a score in the All Ireland Final.

The Irish National Co-ordinator SRTRC Garrett Mullan, is asking fans from all the competing counties to raise the posters as a sign of unity against racism every time there is a score during the first 15 minutes of the game on Sunday.

“The purpose of the activity is to give fans the opportunity to voice their opinion on the issue, so that fans watching the All-Ireland can see that they are against racism. We are asking people to give the red card to racism every time their team scores. We know that Kerry fans might not want to raise a red card, but we are asking them to give it a go.”

The much welcome stunt comes in a week in which two black players in Meath were racially abused in a minor hurling match in Meath. One reacted and got sent off for his pains. Surely the ref got this badly wrong. - unless they deal with it on the pitch players will get off scot free.

Trim delegate CJ Murtagh was incensed at the abuse: “It’s the first time that we have come across this and we believe that unless something is done about the problem now more incidents like this will follow. As hurling people we need to be in the front line in dealing with this problem which will get worse and clubs need to be notified, they need to know what is going on to deal with the issue. Some initiative needs to be taken and it has to come from the top.”

Talking Balls can’t really argue to much with the lad burstin’ whoever gave him stick but the tramp who did it should be dealt with by his own club in the first instance. If you tolerate this your children will be next.

The Right Stuff

This week a reflective Ger Manas takes a look back over the season so far and thinks that for football anyway, it’s all been a bit of a damp squib.

September’s always the same for me - I be lookin’ forward to the finals surely but ye definitely miss the flow of matches that ye’ve been following all summer. Most years there’s fierce interest in the football, but jaze I dunno whether I’m footballed out, drunk out or whatever ever but I’m havin’ fierce bother getting’ mesel at all worked up about this Sunday.

Ye can’t help but thinking that Kerry’s too much in the tank for the Corkmen. God knows what Billy Morgan will do if them boys gets bate - he’s been foot to the board getting them boys gee-ed up and ready to roll. I just think the Kerry lads have too much for them - but then again I’ve been wrong before and sure as pussy’s a cat I’ll be wrong again. I would say young Masters will be clocked early one now to test out that jaw of his and that’s no disrespect to the Kerry men - that’s the way it goes. I mind onetime playin’ an oul match and I had a bad dose and so I ate a few of them immodium things before we threw in. Next thing this big hoor hit me full on the gut with his fist and another boy lands on me. I’ll tell ye - them tablets earned their spurs that day. I remembered the big hoor was beside me in one of the stalls before the game and he must have heard my troubles.

Anyway, talking about shite, I hope that Cork can get themselves into the position where they’re able to stay with Kerry. I was chattin’ to Kerry wans during the week - they reckon all their all Irelands will be for nothing if they lose this one to the oul enemy. I don’t think that’ll be the case mesel’ but I know them Tyrone fellas got fierce sport out of bating Armagh in the All Ireland Final. I can just hear them Rebels, ah but sure we bate ye’s when it mattered. That’s the once chance I think Cork may have - if they can get the whole things revved up to the max and sow it into the Kingdom. Tis a bad year so far for Cork when ye think about it by their standards and them the cockiest shower in the country.

Their hurlers weren’t good enough - no matter what way ye dress that up - it’s back to the drawin’ board for them. Canning and them Galway boys blew them out of it in extra time in the U-21 hurling and by jaze that Canning is some boy. An abrasive f***er too by the look of things last Sunday in Croker. By God he’s a handy boy at jabbin a man in the gut with the oul hurley. Next thing the Cork camogs gets outdone by Wexford - and I have to say that Wexford goalie is a fine lookin yoke - and they totally deserved to win that game. To see them Wexford people on the field twas great. They deserved all the got - they hunted in packs, they hounded the cork weemin down, they put them off their stroke and you know how much camogs hate bein’ put off their stroke.

I got in early on Sunday cos I’d heard that Derry camogie team played some good stuff for a junior team. Well I saw that Katie McAuley girl in action - jaze she can do some damage with one hand - imagine what she could do if she used two. She’s a rare enough way of blockin the ball too, she turned her backside to the girl strikin’ and I’ll tell ye, her coach should tell her to watch that or she’ll get a quare welt on her hole. If it was me, she’d be getting a kick in the hole tellin’ her not to do it - to be fair it does work. That wee girl McGoldrick too - jaze she can quare’n strike a ball too. I’ll tell ye, I’ve seen senior hurlers couldn’t land the point she hit from a free in the first half - ye’d a thought she owned the ball, she took near enough every free and every line ball. They give the goal to that full forward McAtamney but I’ll tell you twas McGoldrick’s. The Derry team had two things that I’d preach to any team. They worked their asses off for each other - hookin’, blockin’ and tacklin. The blockin’ was unreal in the second half - Derry had the first, second and third player stepping in putting themselves on the line. The full back Kelly emptied one of the Clare girls and so did Katie McAuley. Little did they know those tackles - and full on I’m-gonna-win-that-ball tackles they were - would give them the time to win the game later on. The wee girl Cassidy who was as full of beans as I ever saw blocked the Clare player to make her first point. Ye preach these things and people don’t listen especially women but them girls was listenin’ to someone - maybe even themselves. The other thing they had was they never gave up. I heard some of them punters on the radio say Derry was lucky - they weren’t. And punters talk some shite too mesel included. They deserved their victory - they were still there, in the game, with their wits about them and their heads up when it mattered. That wee girl from Bellaghy - Aisling Diamond - she’s trained for nine months and two days so that when she had the chance, just the one chance to win the All Ireland for Derry, she was ready. And I would say she gave thanks be to God for every single one of them days when that ball went over the line. Cigar time for Diamond. If you’re still there, and you’re in a position to make the difference and win a game then you’re not lucky. It’s belief, it’s balls, it’s the right stuff. Derry had it - that’s what winning is.

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