This week live from France. Vive la difference - vin rouge, moules et frites and total decadence Parisian style. Yes, champagne tastes, beer money - that’s us - but all on expenses of course!It’s getting quieter and quieter for Talking Balls. The championship’s gone like a red sail in the sunset and all we see comin’ over the hill is wet winter club championship football. Yep, ye standin’ there in ball freezing cold and pishing rain to watch a game end 1-4 to 0-5 - muck clabbered everywhere, hypothermia all round and maybe the odd bit of boxin’ too as the oul pride and passion overheats.

A few interesting items on our agenda - the PTB are lookin’ at discipline again - we will report back on that next week. The aussies are home to help their clubs - is it fair or does it matter? How bad are the Ireland rugby team, did Geordan Murphy do a Roy Keane and is it true he forgot his passport and that’s why he couldn’t get out of France. We don’t know - just askin’.

We take a look at the plight of the Irish hurley maker, and Ger takes Eamon Coleman’s advice seriously and nearly burns the house down.

The format for the hurling championship is still under the microscope - let all the teams play in Munster is our solution. Also, as the All star nominees are announced we ask are the GPA Awards and the Vodafone Awards in competition - the answer is, of course they’re not.

No word of Geezer taking the Kildare job yet. The negotiations are stalled over his fruit ration - apparently he won’t take a salary but wants paid in bananas and cherries.

If you talk shite, keep her lit. Otherwise, there’s always Talking Balls.

Aussie Rules Pros to Nobble Nemo

Those darlings of the media Setanta and Aisake Ó hAilpín, home on holliers from their latest stint down under, are set to tog out for Na Piarsaigh in their tussle with Nemo Rangers in the Cork senior football Championship this Sunday. Collingwood’s departure from the super dooper preem-earship or whatever they call it means that Down starlet Martin Clarke is in line to line out for An Riocht in their match in Down. Colm Begley played and apparently starred in the club championship in Laois.

Aware that the gaelic and athletic is still - officially at least - an amateur organization what do the PTG think of these superstar professional players that head off to Antipodea for a ten month stint of warm weather training washed down with a few tinnies of Fosters or XXXX or whatever it is they drink only to return home to oust some civil fella that’s been bustin’ his hoop all summer?

It is rumoured that Nemo or some other Cork outfit will be calling up Ronan O’Gara after Ireland’s pathetic exit from the Rugby Senior Championship this Sunday.

Also in the news, Eoghan Rua in Coleraine will not be calling upon Andrew Trimble services - it is understood they have a settled panel and young Trimble will be held in reserve maybe for next season.

Champions League for Hurling

No, before you get all excited at the prospect of Dan Shanahan going head to head with Paolo Maldini and the boys, the matter in hand refers to comments from the Chairman of the Hurling Development Committee Ned Quinn. In a nod to the quality in Munster, Ned has indicated that within five years we will have a Champions League Style format - all for the good of the game you see. Oh and by the way Ned is also Kilkenny chairman:

“For the moment, I don’t think anybody is going to stand up and propose abolishing the Munster championship. If you were to examine what has happened since the backdoor system was first introduced, we have modified it, changed it, moved it and we are still ending up with a somewhat inequitable system. It’s very hard to get what would be described as a fair system for everybody. It may be fair for some, but not everybody.” It also appears that the Leinster counties voted 10 to 2 again Galway entering the Leinster championship - the reason for this? The strength of their underage hurling.

Just so Talking Balls understands this the Munster Hurling Championship is going to be abolished to make the whole thing more competitive. Leinster won’t let Galway in whether they want it or not cos they’re too good at underage and therefore might make it more competitive. So Galway can feck away off and sure all the moaners that complained about them winning this year’s U-21 championship after playing just two games can feck themselves too. Let them sit on their holes most of the summer while Leinster play with themselves.

On related point, An Uachtarain Nicky B is planning to pump money into the next tranche of counties to make the breakthrough. Waste of money says Munster Chairman Jimmy O Gorman with all the arrogance of a Corkman, except he is from Waterford:

“I don’t see a whole lot of sense in piling a lot of money into the weaker counties. If I had my way I would be putting a lot of money into the strong counties and keeping the strength up there.” I suppose he might be worried that Waterford’s already slim chances of winning the All Ireland with the current crop of players might narrow if the woodpile was interspersed with afro Americans if you get our drift.

He added: “With the exception of Offaly and Clare coming through in the 80s and 90s, it has really been the same counties the whole time. The strong hurling counties from day one have remained strong. I would like to see the structures remain as they are and we (in Munster) are the standard bearers. We had a very good Munster Championship this year. We had six great games in Munster and we had five teams in the qualifying series.”

Six games. Boys a dear.

Personally speaking Talking Balls would rather watch Galway U-21s in action or a Munster Hurling Championship tie between Cork and Waterford than all the Leinster matches you can dream of.

Talking Balls has an idea - why don’t the Leinster teams apply to play in Munster? Now there’s a thought.

Better that than the Alice bands, players diving, bombastic and pompous anthems (worse than Ireland’s Call) before matches, ineffective but breathless punditry and interminable series of matches - that is what we understand by Champions League. Not Thurles, burgers cooking, pints of stout, boys like Niall Quinn in the Crowd and Davy Fitz on the pitch playing the opposition, his demons and the opposing support all at the same time. Ned will ye ever feck away aff.

Four for Farney

Monaghan Boss Seamus McEneaney is happy enough that four of his Monaghan team are nominated for the All Stars. Talking Balls hopes that the City West has the translators on hand for the serious amount of verbal tank emptyin’ that is sure to go on come All Star time. Monaghan are sure to gain at least one slot on the team - or are they. This is the team that didn’t win the Ulster Championship and got bate by Kerry. Tyrone on the other hand won the Ulster Championship and were beaten by Meath at the same stage. Donegal, who won the National League must wonder why they bothered their hole.

Especially midfield powerhouse Kevin Cassidy who after a year on the wings, after a few stout landed him in hot water - and ultimately across the pond. His comeback was marked with a series of tremendous league displays. Not worth a shite - if you want to do it - do it in front of the TV in mid summer rather than on a wet Saturday night in February.

Imagine what Monaghan would be like if they actually won something?

Mullingar - Metropolis or What?

News has reached Talking Balls plush 15 seater capacity studio office of plans to build a 28,000 all seater stadium in Mullingar, Westmeath costing €40 million. We ask just one question:

Why?

In the 1996 census Wetsmeath’s population was 63,314 but Talking Balls thinks that the good people of Westmeath have maybe been getting a bit of action since then so we will project that the population now might have hit say 80,000 people. Are we seriously to expect that on any given Sunday 35% of the county’s population will head down to a match. And if they do, how many times each summer will Pairc Elephant Ban be filled?

Shorts or Socks

Donegal Manager Brian McIver looks like being whatyamecallit, reappointed after his midsummer U-turn. He has beaten off Charlie Mulgrew, Jim McGuinness and Donal Reid to get his job. The things these boys will do for love of the game. Thingummyjigger.

Derry Captain Kevin McGuckian’s bid to land a unique double is still on after the Ballinderry men timbered Kilrea in the Senior Championship Quarter Final. As already reported in Talking Balls, Kevin has had the unique honour of not only captaining Derry in the All Ireland Quarter Final against Dublin - he has also won a reserve championship medal with Ballinderry. Keep her Lit Kevin.

If you’re about Scotland on the 13/14 October take a run up to Fort William for the annual Shinty internationals. The Scotland team are managed by Ally Ferguson - no relation we think of famous soccer manager Alex who has had a successful reign with English team Manchester United.

‘Billy Morgan faces six months if not a lifetime away from the sidelines for a Category IV’ infraction under the gaelic and athletic’s Official Rules, an area that includes “threatening or abusive conduct towards, or threatening language to, a referee, umpire, linesman or sideline official. Colourful Billy told the linesman what he thought of him during the All Ireland Final.

Hurling Repair Kits. What next - Bicycle Repair Kits

For those of you with a garage full of half busted and split hurleys, Scullion hurls in Antrim are offering the following intriguing item:

Hurley Repair Kit

We’ve put together a kit containing all you need to repair at least 20 hurls. A large majority of hurley repairs are simple cracks in the toe or bás of the hurl and with the right equipment these can be easily repaired and the hurl returned to its former glory. When you require more glue or other materials just re-order them with us via our email.

Kit includes: Tube of Glue, Applicator Gun, Finishing Tape, Metal Strapping, Nails, Sanding Blocks, Brief Guide to Hurley Repair.

Aside from this it is recommended that you have a selection of clamps and a metal bench vice. A small bench sander is
also useful for speeding up finishing of hurls but not essential.

For details: Talking Balls Link: micheal@scullionhurls.com

Save our Sticks

Des Cahill’s the Road to Croker recently visited to Poland to find how a small village south of Krakow is manufacturing 2,000 hurleys a month for export to Ireland. Jaze, isn’t that great altogether people across the country were saying - isn’t the new Europe a deadly job - the next thing ye know them poles will be playing the game too.

The other side of this coin is the plight of the indigenous Irish hurley maker who faces a struggle to get their ash. The Irish Guild of Ash Hurley Makers was set up The IGAHM was established 10 years ago and today has approximately 50 members. In fluctuating economic times this organisation represents hard working individuals whose primary aim is to make an honest and decent living for both themselves and their families.

In 2004/2005 a Constitution was established to protect its members, setting out clearly the modus operandi and how the IGAHM would operate.

Major progress has been made by the various committees over the last number of years which includes and even supply of timber from Coillte to members and keeping carbon-fibre Hurleys in the background

As with other sectors of manufacturing in Ireland today, there now exists a number of threats to their livelihoods which range from rising inflation, resulting from spiralling costs. Fuel, light and heat, labour etc, which ultimately increases the cost of production.

Furthermore, there is now a more potent threat in the form of production and supply from abroad where the IGAHM cannot compete in terms of overheads due to the price of labour and materials.

It goes without saying, that if this trend were to continue the Hurley market would be flooded with an imported product/substitute which if not contested, could possibly destroy the livelihood of approximately 150 families throughout Ireland.

We’re not saying don’t buy a hurl from a pole but we are saying support your local team.

Talking Balls Link: www.igahm.com

Gaelic and Athletic Shirts - the Number’s Up

The PTB have announced that to assist the blind, the inform and the huddled masses, county teams will be required to have numbers on the front and back of their shirts from next season. No-one from O’Neills was around to comment but if they were they would rubbing their hands at all those lovely orders coming in. Is Nicky Brennan on commission or what?

It is believed that Club shirts will be next altho’ given the logistical issue of having hundreds if not thousands of clubs replace their kits with numbers front and rear has obviously not been thought through.

No Tit for Tat

The GPA/Opel and Official Vodafone All Stars are not engaged in a childish quarrel over who can get their awards out firs. This even though the gaelic and athletic folks have announced their awards much earlier than in previous. The dirt has hardly been scraped off the boots before players will have to throw on the oul black tie and head on down to the City West.

Talking Balls meanwhile is still in negotiations with sponsors. If successful we will announce a competing awards scheme, possibly based around the most attractive player for each position in ladies football and camogie and maybe football and hurling. The marketing people have already come up with the slogan for the hurling awards - the innovative campaign is based on Nickey Brennan’s well made ppoint that most people wouldn’t recognize a hurler if they jabbed them with their stick. The advertisement we can exclusively reveal will say: ‘Would you pull the helmet off this fella?’

Burning the Hurls

This week resident expert Ger Manas reflects on his dealings with emergency services when he took Eamon Coleman’s advice literally. Thoughts too on the Cork prospects for three in a row after last week’s All Ireland Final victory for the Rebeltotties.

The late Eamon Coleman toul big Brian McGilligan to burn the hurls - that is according to that arse boxer Joe Brolly. What the f*** would he know sez I te meself but sure Brolly has an opinion on everything. Any McGilligan and burnin’ hurls.

Well, in a bid to red out the garage I decided one night to do just that - so we gathered up the various bits of shafts, bás and grips that we had been lifting at fields round the county on the spurious grounds that ‘thon boy might want his grip back.’ The grandweans were going ash over tit right left and sliotar so it was time to throw the hurleys on the fire and see just what exactly Eamon Coleman was talking about.

Well f**k me what a conflagration. The ash lit up like Croke Park for Dublin v Tyrone. The cat took off, scalded round the arse and within minutes and I mean minutes there was flaming bits of soot falling down the chimney. With no Victorian orphans or any other houngsters about to send up there into the abyss to put the thing out I had to see about calling the fire brigade. Hurling wouldn’t be the first love of some of these lads altho’ they were more than happy to help - if not a little bemused to understand why a hurling man would set fire to his sticks and nearly burn his own house to the ground. I muttered something about knee injury, recently retired in a forlorn attempt to pass the incident off as the actions of a depressed and disillusioned superstar gone to seed. That didn’t work when a fella from our reserve team arrived breathless. He had been training when the call went up and arrived directly at the scene of the crime rather than divert via the station. He had a quare laugh at me I’ll tell especially as I’d been given that oul lecture that a proper clubman plays both codes and coaches a few hundred young wans when they get the chance.

I hope the boul Coleman was watching down from somewhere on high, maybe blowin on the flames to stop them getting’ out of hand. He might have known a lot about football, but I would have toul him ‘youse boys know nathin about burnin’ hurls.’

I took a look at the Cork women win the football last year. I’d be a camogie fan mesel women pullin’ on balls does it for me every time and there’s somethin’ firce graceful about a good camog in full flight. That might me sound like an oul pervert but I’m not and I’ll kick a man in the hole that says it. I haven’t got to grips with women playin’ football yet. They look over-balanced or something when they go to lift the ball but I have to say now I was impressed last week with both teams and their skill. It was a good high scoring game because to be honest I thought last year’s was shite. I was disappointed to hear tho’ Cora Staunton one was a bit off after the game. Man or woman, boy or girl, on this bus or the other, ye have to take your wins and yer losses the same. A winner can stand losing because they see the point in the whole thing. A loser, even when he wins, wins badly. The losers’ll be the boys jabbin’ fingers at ye and shite talking or trash talking or whatever they call it these days - rubbin’ it in to a fella that’s gutted to be bate.

I see Juliet Murphy the Cork captain says she’s worried the team may not stay together and’ them goin’ for a possible three in a row. I understand with women they may want to go and have youngsters or they maybe miss getting’ out to a dance or two but they’re no less committed than the fellas. I just thought it was strange now to hear that. Can ye imagine Paul Galvin saying that them Kerry hoors might not stick together for the three in a row?

I bet half the country wishes them fellas could f*** off and get pregnant to give the rest of us the chance - ye can just see big O Se paddlin’ about with his big bump down to the gynae ward now can’t ye? Or Galvin himself sayin’ me waters is broke - f***, he’d give the midwife some earache. I saw the Cork women say in the paper they don’t get travellin expenses and then last year there was a big hullabaloo - the Cork girls lost their sponsor. The funny thing is the women’s football is probably better organized than the oul camogie- still an all both sports are doing well but they need more help.

Anyway it was nice to see the women get their day in Croker and there was a good oul crowd watchin’ on the telly. The Cork women too will be top of the pile. They should maybe play a challenge match again’ the footballers. Only thing is - they might beat them!

As hurling legend TS Eliot said, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper. He could have been talking about this summer’s football championship. Yes, Cork. Between the idea and the reality… falls the shadow.

But for the breathtaking displays of Kerry and the Gooch in particular Talking Balls wonders what it’s all been about. No romance, no giant killing, no controversy, nothing to set the pulse racing. Armagh bowed out a pale shadow of what we thought they would be; Donegal’s early season hype ended up being just that; Tyrone were finished before Kerry even got started; the Dubs a lot of piss and wind as usual and usual they failed to even make the All Ireland Final.

So what were we left with? Cork - in Croker - playing football. Kerry gobbled them up and spat them out. Cork were left throwing punches and that’s about all they did. If an under twelve made the error Ger Spillane did he would be clipped round the ear. And as for the keeper - like a Eunuch - he poses no threat inside the box.

This Sunday it’s the turn of the ladies, and let’s hope they have a day out like their arch rivals the camogs. We’ll be tuning in on Sunday for the fourth and final All Ireland Sunday. Jaze September’s some month!

Ger looks back at last week’s fayre and he gives the Ulster Council the thumbs up for trying to do something about students. Someone has to!

Remember, if you’re going to college, the recommended daily intake isn’t ten pints, a pizza and the first member of the opposite sex you meet who looks as desperate as you are. If you can’t resist, there’s always Talking Balls.

Drink, Drugs and Sausage Rolls - Off the Student Menu

Ulster Council GAA, in partnership with Squareball (who else), are launching a health promotion campaign targeted at students - in the language they understand! Squareball is particularly delighted to be backing the campaign as we are such a clean living bunch…

“Drink, Drugs and Sausage Rolls” is inspired by student tales of late night takeaways, too much drink, addictions to Neighbours and even occasional exam pressures! The funny but factual campaign is targeted at student Freshers’ Fayres at university campuses and FE colleges across the province.

Aileen Tohill, Lifestyle Manager with the Ulster Council, said: “Students’ lifestyles are notoriously unhealthy. We mightn’t get all of them off the sofa, off the beer and off the pizzas and chips - but we want to give them a good idea of what’s good for you and what isn’t. The average student puts on over a stone in weight in their first year because of their lifestyle - that can’t be good for you. This campaign tells it straight in the language they understand - hopefully it will help them get the message and wise up health wise!”

The focal point of the “Drink, Drugs and Sausage Rolls” Campaign will be the eye-catching Ulster Council GAA/Squareball stalls at the Freshers’ Fayres and the upcoming University Health Week, where students can pick up lively but informative leaflets on drink, drugs, stress, nutrition and exercise, as well as year planners.

And, as well as being turned on and tuned in on good health, students will have the opportunity to stand out from their classmates, by getting Squareball discount vouchers on the day!

Aileen added: “We are delighted that Squareball is our partner in this campaign - their strapline is ‘Playing is Only Part of It’ and that is a key part of our message in encouraging students to ‘empty the tank’ in a responsible way, on and off the pitch.”

This campaign is part of the Ulster Council GAA’s wider Health, Wellness and Lifestyle programme which has already been highly successful among club and county members, as well as with primary and secondary school children.

McGeeney A Real Orange Man

In the week that he announced his possibly premature retirement from playing inter-county football, legendary hero of Armagh has revealed that he is a true Orangeman in every sense of the word. Yes, Armagh’s own man from Del Monte revealed that he spends €35 every couple of days on fruit. He didn’t revealed if this has any catastrophic impact on his digestive system but it certainly is a boost of green grocers and fruit sellers nationwide.

Geezer is also in the news because he has been linked with the vacant Kildare manager’s position - the rumour mill suggesting he will team up with former Armagh and Cavan Assistant boss Paul Grimley. The thought of McGeeney landing into the set up and being able to pump more iron, run faster, jump higher, eat more fruit, watch more movies, go out less often, be more serious looking, must be striking fear and trepidation into the Kildare men. Talking Balls reckons it could only be worse if Roy Keane took the job or indeed former Kildare hard nut Larry Tompkins decided to turn up back at his native county and take the lads out for a run.

Stories last week had onlookers in a Dublin gym who happened to be the Irish rugby team ask who is the Kiwi when they saw McGeeney in action in the gym.

Talking Balls had occasion to speak to Geezer once a couple of years back and we exhorted him not to retire and as they usually do he listened. Unfortunately we didn’t get the chance this time but as the man says, he hasn’t gone away you know.

The Special One for the Special People

Unconfirmed reports from the self styled People’s Republic of Cork are suggesting that former soccer manager Jose Mourinho is in the frame to take over from Billy Morgan as manager of the Rebels football team. Well it certainly needs something or someone special after Kerry roasted their ass on Sunday.

The Cork Co Board have remained tight lipped about Billy Morgan’s future, but sources in the deep south revealed that discussions are under way to pay Jose’s membership and also to find out if he and Frank Murphy can work together. Murphy is believed to be against the recruitment of a foreign coach - in the case of the blood and bandage that means anyone from outside Cork - and it is believed that Mourinho’s funny accent and Portuguese nationality will count against him. Overwhelmingly in his favour is his total arrogance and self belief and it is believed that if successful he would immediately be given the Freedom of the City which allows him to paddle his own canoe up the Lee.

When asked whether they thought Jose Mourinho was in fact the special one, a few random Cork supporters whooped ‘He is boy.’

Talking Balls told you first.

Still Hurling After All these Years

In a development that puts retired players everywhere to shame and calls into question the gaelic and athletic’s commitment to defeating ageism, Meath Hurling Chairman, TJ Reilly turned out in goal for his club Boardsmill in their Meath Junior 2 Hurling Championship final victory over Rathmolyon at Kildalkey on Sunday.

Most oul bollixes of that age are happy leaning over the wire, tweed jacket on shoulders, cap on head, tokin’ a sweet afton and reminiscing how it used to be when matches were played by fellas wearing their working clothes and brogans and the half-time break was a swig of an oul bottle of tay corked with a bit of rolled up newspaper. After that it was off to milk the cows and goats, before raking in the hay, cutting a load of turf, poaching a few salmon from the local Anglo’s river, then walking thirty or forty miles to a dance for the oul chance of a court and maybe an oul grope of the young wan he ended up marrying. Yerrah twas great.

Not so TJ who’ll be 61 in November, nope, can’t keep him down: “I love the game and, thank God, I’m healthy and still able to play,” “Our goalkeeper got injured in the first round of the championship and lots of the young lads were afraid to go in goal in case they made a mistake. So, I got the call up.”

Typical oul fella to let you down tho’ he had to go and let in one goal. He managed to put a gloss on it:

“Thankfully everything went grand for me. I allowed one goal in which was unstoppable from about five yards out. In the second half I was worried playing into the wind as my puck out was not what it was a few years ago. But we played well and did the business.”

The man ‘minding the house in front of him was his nephew Mark, 26.

After embarrassing the entire county, is he giving it up? As he might say himself, damn the bit of it: “It is a great honour to go out and play and I really enjoyed it. When I was playing most of them weren’t born. If they want me to play next year, I will. If God is good to me, who knows. I played 14 years for Meath back in the seventies and travelled all over the country. I have five senior county medals and earned the county Hurler of the Year accolade in 1975 .”

If someone can get us his address, Talking Balls think his exploits have earned him a Hendrix was a hurler tee-shirt. If you know where TJ lives, let us know!!

GAA Should Help Gamblers Even if They’ve gone to the Dogs…

Oisin McConville has suggested that the GAA should go out and help people with gambling problems. The compassionate appeal follows his own admission that he battled with a gambling problem that was all consuming. The announcement came alongside news that Oisin was publishing his autobiography in November. No doubt we can read all about it then - we can hardly wait. If it is as interesting as Brian Corcoran’s tome on life as a Rebel hurler then it will be worth the pre-launch hype we have endured. Will it lift the lid on life under Joe with his player’s manual, their trips to La Manga and all the rest of it? The funny Masonic shirt symbols, the bag carriers and all the myths/legends around the great Armagh team.

If it does that and gets to the commitment required to be a high level intercounty footballer then great. If it’s from the ‘the lad’s done well obviously’ vacuous nonsense genre of football autobiographies a la Stevie Gerrard, Wayne Rooney and Rio Ferdinand then spare us our Christmas stockings.

The Last of the Unholy Trinity

After Ger the Father, and Tony the son we now have Mike the fiery spirit take over as manager of the Clare hurlers - the last of the Unholy Trinity of Banner management from the nineties to take up the reins.

Let’s just remember what Bugler, Griffin and co are in for. Davy Fitz: “Mike Mac introduced a killer 30 minute run in figure eights around the pitch and I absolutely hated it. Some of the lads dodged half the runs, shattered from the exertions. After the half hour run we moved on to sprints. 100m, 300m, 400, McNamara crucified us. He put us through hell and if he saw the Clare footballers training, we had to remain until they were finished. We started before the Clare footballers and finished after them - simple as that. Mike was never happy… An average training session could range from an hour and forty minutes to two hour and twenty minutes.”

He recounts how Loughnane and McNamare came up with the idea of the Hill of Shannon: “I will never forget the first night of this new form of torture. A full pelt run from bottom to top took roughly 30 seconds to complete and after seven I was absolutely shattered. Mike Mac ambled over and informed us in his monotone voice ‘Well girls, 28 more to go.’”

What does McNamara think of it all? “I’m afraid we have to rebuild. We have to start somewhere like we started 10 or 12 years ago and rebuild again.”

Yes… afraid.

Mike Mac Rugby Fan

Whilst we’re on the subject, McNamara didn’t miss the opportunity to slap his boot into the Irish Rugby team’s woeful performances:

“We are on a slippery slope. We have been spiralling downwards at an alarming rate. The Irish rugby team is an example of a team that has been slipping. This is the biggest problem. If we can arrest the slide maybe we can start to move in an upward direction again. Mistakes have been made in the past, not alone in the last year, but in the past number of years we didn’t keep an eye to what was emerging and maybe renew energies.”

With Babs gone, Talking Balls was worried about hurling next year, but it just got a whole pile colourful again.

Do As I Say, Not as I Do

Talking Balls has learned with regret that Laois Co Chairman, Dick Miller has been suspended for two months for abusing a referee - Leitrim’s Francis Flynn - at half time during his county’s recent All Ireland semi final defeat to Derry. Allegedly.

Anyone remotely interested in this matter will remember that during the replay Laois’s discipline went a little bit awry and two young lads saw red for their troubles.

The story is that Dick took rared up after Laois star turn Donie Kingston was clocked by some Derry hoor as he tried to run off the field at half time. He made his feelings known to the ref and that’s what got him in bother. Maybe if he’d kept the head and a civil tongue in it and tried to be a calming influence on things instead of getting over excited then Laois would have had the chance to get beaten by Galway on Sunday - Dick.

Some Oul Plaque Getting them Hot and Bothered in Down

In their mad rush to cash in on the real estate value of St Patrick’s Park in Newcastle, Co Down, the amber and black PTB have forgotten about some plaque that the Down heroes of the sixties hold dear. Outraged goalkeeper on the sixties outfit Eamon McKay says: “There are many places this plaque could be moved to but very few where it would be given the respect it deserves.”

Down County board member Diarmuid O Cathail said: “The plans for St. Patrick’s Park are still under consideration, so this is not a situation that has been discussed. However we at the Down County Board will make every effort to ensure that the plaque will be moved safely and to somewhere appropriate.”

Talking Balls reckons nobody would give a shite - it’s only because it’s so long since Down have won anything meaningful, in what has after all been a pretty abject and barren period for a crowd who are experts at living on past glory. Even after another crushing defeat a Down man will always be fit to tell you how they were never bate by Kerry and how they had won five All Irelands. If you are still awake at this stage he’ll bore the hole of you by droning on about being the first team to bring Sam across the border - in reality people from Tyrone, Derry and Armagh never recognized the border and wouldn’t be claiming that as an achievement. But then Down people are like that especially up round Holy-wood, Cultraw and Bang-gor.

Anyway, watch this space. We’d be happy to put it up on the office wall, after the Down Co Board have auctioned it to make more lovely money. Lovely jubbly.

Louth football - one backward step for womankind

The week of the All Ireland Ladies football final is a good time to take a look at the state of the ladies game and the degree of acceptance. Things are going grand - the ladies in charge reckoning they’ll get maybe 30,000 into Croker on Sunday.

Not so in Louth. A referee called off a ‘boys’ juvenile match because one team fielded a girl of thirteen years of age. Although in breach of nothing in the Official Rule Book, the Louth Co. Board introduced a local by-law prohibiting females players being members of male sides. The ref literally blew the whistle as Laura Collins lined out for her club Newtown Blues against local Drogheda rivals Oliver Plunkett’s.

Talking Balls always wondered why they called it the wee county, but now we know - insecurity is an awful thing.

Lights Out for Galway

Local Residents and Taisce have come together and seem set to thwart Galway’s desire to turn Pearse Stadium into a floodlit stadium. The lights they claim will be ‘obstrusive’ and will be a blot on the Salthill skyline.

The residents aren’t as bothered about all the blootered holiday makers that visit Salthill over the summer months, leaving blots all over the place. Sounds like a job for Ger.

Railway Cup Coming Home

The Railway Cup, now known as the M Donnelly inter provincial football and hurling finals will be played in October under lights at Croker. Since we don’t have to put up with the Aussies this year, it is hope that there will be a dacent turn out for the football and hurling. But first the semi-finals will played on 13 October in Fermoy where Munster will play Leinster and under lights in Ballybofey where Ulster play Connacht under lights. The finals will throw in at Croker at 5.15 for the football and 7.00 for the hurling.

For those not in the know, one of the most enjoyable games Talking Balls has seen in recent years was the Interprovincial football final at Parnell Park between Ulster and Leinster. One of the most surprising sights was watching diehard Tyrone fans get behind Armagh and Derry players!

Yes, tis a funny oul game so it is.

Going on a solo…

Aussie woman Bree White lines out for London this Sunday in the All Ireland Junior Football Final, in a reversal of the trend that’s seeing young talents like Martin Clarke and Kevin Dyas head down under.

Bree says: “I found it really difficult with a round ball at first, it took me about five or six games to have the confidence to do a solo. The lack of tackling is one difference and gaelic is faster. Aussie Rules is a bit more stop-start because of ‘the mark.”

Well, as our comrades in Squareball tell us, nine out of ten men like a solo - the other one in ten likes watching women on one…

Kerry’s Like a Good Kebab, Fond Memories the Day After

This week resident expert Ger Manas extols the virtues of this Kerry team. And, at a time when students return to hovels nationwide he joins calls for them to make a choice - obesity and oblivion or get of yer hole and do something.

What can ye say about Croke Park last Sunday? Did the real Cork turn up or did it all go badly wrong for Billy’s boys - or are they just shite and if so Kerry’s anything from good to brilliant. There’s wan thing I’d tell me players and that is “don’t be sitting in the dressing room afterwards thinking what might have been, there’s plenty of time for beans later. Now’s the time for frying eggs.” The worst feeling in the world is sittin’ there - all the plans and chat all lyin round the floor like oul wet socks. Billy Morgan talks a good game and there was plenty of talk too how he’d bring in players from different clubs round the county. Well them boys didn’t walk the walk on Sunday. At all.

If it comes to bootin’ boys in the hole, that fella Ger Spillane would have got a serious wellie from me right up his rear end. I know now that he doesn’t need the likes of me to point out where he went wrong but what him and Canty were thinkin’ off defies logic. And as for that goalie. He’ll not be getting’ an All Star this year. The first thing you tell young fellas is don’t cross in front of yer own goal. Ye drum it into them, they learn it at national school from day one. I knew a Christian Brother used to leather boys for clearin’ the ball across his own goal. Why big Canty felt the need to work a move inside his own 21 is beyond me. Alrite, Spillane should have given the ball back to him but he decides then to try and take on Donaghy - who let’s face it with his big long arms and his big long legs is like a f***in octopus. Big Donaghy decides to throw in an oul basketball tackle and plop - out pops the ball. I watched it later on the telly and he had to look twice himsel’ in disbelief that there was no goalie. It was as if the keeper had decided he needed to go off to the jakes but suddenly remembered f*** I’m supposed to be in goals here. There’s all them jokes about now but it was no joke then. That was the end of Cork and probably the end of Morgan. Cork are now up there with Mayo - teams that went up to Croker to play the Kingdom and got well and truly booted up the ass. Ye had the same sense of futility watching them as you had Mayo in 2004 and 2006. They weren’t gonnae win. James Masters is top scorer but who’d he score them again’?

As for Kerry, well average in a year when the other teams were pretty shite or very good and a step ahead of the bunch. Ye would have to reckon the latter. Gooch can’t get much better. I hope he does but he is scorer, creator and inspirer these days. He was throwing dummies like an Italian throws a match. At one stage he dummied again and Canty was already fallin’ over on his hole. He reminds me of Canavan. He doesn’t maybe have the wicked- wee men streak that Peter developed but then maybe the Gooch hasn’t had to deal with some of the defenders that Canavan has. The other point is they would have to catch him first. He’s a wee slip of a cub but jaze he can play. When he scores he has that stupid wee shrug of the shoulder grin. Everyone is sittin’ there jaw on knees and Gooch - he’s like a wee boy just got told all his spellin’s is right. The other man I like is that Paul Galvin. He’s the real McCoy that fella. He goes round startin’s more fires and puttin’ as many out. He looks like one of the Maori fellas with his tattoos and the way he scowls round the place. He’s an abrasive f***er too - but that’s what you want. I talked before about Dooher being the bottom feeder extraordinaire. Galvin is in there too, another fella in rootin’ about where it hurts an by jaze he’s effective. He played for Finuge again’ Stewartstown from Tyrone in the All Ireland Junior club final two years ago and I think he near enough cleaned them out on his own. He can score points, he can tackle, he’s a man knows how to get an oul yella card. And he certainly was pissed off with Pat O’Shea last Sunday for takin’ him off. He worked in Cork for while so I’d say like most of them Kerrymen he’d enjoyed himsel’. At that stage Cork was lookin’ boxin. They were like fellas had had their eye wiped and all the could do was fight about it cos the woman had decided she was going off with the Kerryman. In this case it was the fat girl and she’d started singin’ not long after the throw in.

I was listenin’ to the wireless tellin’ me the Ulster Council’s targetin’ students and other young ones to get them to stop atin shite food, goin on the beer and that. Students get a wile bad name - I managed a few oul student teams in me day and the things they’d be at is unreal. The fellas are desperate lookin to ride the horses and back the women - they go about with the hair all greased up and the tail up lookin for it all the time. The houses they live in - f***’s sake I wouldn’t ask me pigs to live in some of them. But havin’ said all of that most are dacent youngsters out for a bit of oul craic and sure ye’d be at it yerself if you could.

The Ulster Council’s the right idea - no point preachin’ at fellas and girls - ye need to show them a better way to do things. Ye don’t have to be blootered every night. A friend of mine’s a butcher and he toul me a Turkish fella gave him the contract to make his kebabs - them big bits of drippin’ meat that look like a big grey shite. He thought he’d make sure there was plenty of meat in it so he changed the balance to 70 per cent fat and thirty per cent meat. Abdullah comes back to him and says, I need the eighty per cent fat or the whole things falls apart. They’re tasty enough hoors oul kebabs but wakin up in the morning with a Guinness necklace and a shirt front and maybe a pocket full of chilli and garlic sauce can send the best of fellas into the bog for one of them head burstin’ bouts of pukin’. I used to go into student houses to lift two lads for trainin’. One was permanently in bed with this oul one from England - when he got to trainin’ he could barely run - the other fella sat on his hole watching f***in Neighbours, Home and Away and whatever other shite was on. An him, sititin’ there ye’d have needed a crowbar to get him off the sofa. The women’s as bad if not worse - some of the college camogie teams is unreal the things they be at but this is a family show after all…

Ulster Council GAA, in partnership with Squareball, are launching a health promotion campaign targeted at students - in the language they understand!

“Drink, Drugs and Sausage Rolls” is inspired by student tales of late night takeaways, too much drink, addictions to Neighbours and even occasional exam pressures! The funny but factual campaign is targeted at student Freshers’ Fayres at university campuses and FE colleges across the province.

Aileen Tohill, Lifestyle Manager with the Ulster Council, said: “Students’ lifestyles are notoriously unhealthy. We mightn’t get all of them off the sofa, off the beer and off the pizzas and chips - but we want to give them a good idea of what’s good for you and what isn’t. The average student puts on over a stone in weight in their first year because of their lifestyle - that can’t be good for you. This campaign tells it straight in the language they understand - hopefully it will help them get the message and wise up health wise!”

The focal point of the “Drink, Drugs and Sausage Rolls” Campaign will be the eye-catching Ulster Council GAA/Squareball stalls at the Freshers’ Fayres and the upcomming University Health Week, where students can pick up lively but informative leaflets on drink, drugs, stress, nutrition and exercise, as well as year planners.

And, as well as being turned on and tuned in on good health, students will have the opportunity to stand out from their classmates, by getting Squareball discount vouchers on the day!

Aileen added: “We are delighted that Squareball is our partner in this campaign - their strapline is ‘Playing is Only Part of It’ and that is a key part of our message in encouraging students to ‘empty the tank’ in a responsible way, on and off the pitch.”

This campaign is part of the Ulster Council GAA’s wider Health, Wellness and Lifestyle programme which has already been highly successful among club and county members, as well as with primary and secondary school children.

Twas a quiet week this week for Talking Balls. We had originally planned to follow the Derry camogie team round the country on the trail of mayhem following their last gasp victory in Croker last Sunday but the liver packed it in after one day. Fairplay to the Derry women and Wexford who lowered the Rebelettes in fine form. Both games were a tremendous credit to women’s hurling as the High Priestess of Camogie Liz Howard says she would like it called. The Wexford pitch invasion was a sight to behold.As the groundsmen get the pitch right for Sunday after clearing up all those tears, stiletto marks and smudged mascara we consider the possibilities of an exciting tussle this Sunday and try as we might we can’t talk it up.

Touts continue to rip off real fans so if you happen to see one give them a swift boot to the goolies and make off with their booty, hand it in to Croke Park and they will give you lifetime seats. We’ll that’s what we are doing.

As the season peters out we cast a glance at the treat those Beach Volleyball people have for the people of Belfast this weekend.

In a move that would have our friend Myles frothing, the Aran Islanders are coming across for a match. The much-feared outfit will be travelling all the way to Dublin to play in a sevens match.

We have been watching the game known as rugby and the team known as Ireland. For all the hype they couldn’t have been much worse. As the GPA press on with their Fair Play Award sponsored by Halifax, Talking Balls considers some contenders that probably won’t make the shake down.

If you’re a student heading back to college, as Japeth the Goat says, be prepared, be prepared. For everything else, there’s always Talking Balls.

Croker To Call Time on Touts

Following calls from Talking Balls and other sources the PTB have revealed measures to stop the illegal sale of All Ireland Final tickets on the internet and through other touting sources.

The news comes as online garage sale experts EBay asserts than reselling tickets is not illegal activity and therefore they can be sold online.

Croker has warned that any tickets not sold through clubs would be considered stolen and therefore of no use. The news comes as a number of tickets have been reported stolen - not as many as it is believed Croke Park themselves forgot about or lost a couple of years back when the Hurling Final featured banks of empty seating.

Any punters that have got sorted will be aware of the fancy new tickets being used this year, they no longer fold into your wallet and indeed the glossy red cardboard is so rigid that one of Talking Balls associates suffered a nasty puncture wound to the groin from a sharp ticket corner, just outside Clonliffe College on the way into the Hurling Final.
“The GAA has stated that a small number of tickets for Sunday’s Bank of Ireland All-Ireland Football final between Kerry and Cork have been reported as not reaching their destination and that these tickets are now presumed stolen. With the new security ticket system being used for the finals these tickets will be nullified and will not be accepted by the computer scanning system now in operation for Croke Park. The association have asked supporters to note that holders of tickets which have been reported as lost or stolen will not therefore gain admission.”

The GAA has been in touch with webmasters of dodgy online sites pointing out that their tickets may be worthless. So far no-one has contacted Talking Balls to either offer us tickets or threaten us that the thousands of tickets that we have are no use.

In a separate development holders of premier, box and other long term tickets were warned as to their conduct and threatened with having their contracts terminated.

“Holders of long term tickets who place their tickets for sale on such forums will have the remainder of their contracts bought out by the GAA and their term agreements annulled.” Maybe a few of those precious premiers may not free up for sale.

It is believed that there must have been some funny business ahead of the camogie final last Sunday as there were thousands of empty seats. It is believed these absences were due to confiscations by the Croker PTB - they couldn’t all have been down to the computer balls up that prevented thousands missing the start of the hurling match.

Rugby Boys to be Denied Access to Croker

It is understood from well placed sources that the PTB may be reviewing the agreement that allows the Irish rugby team to play at Croke Park. Talking Balls readers will recall that the two internationals were a resounding success with the dulcet tones of the Queen drifting up Jones’ Road and Les Bleus allezing all the way through the feeble Irish defence.

It is understood that the agreement was based on the Irish team ‘gracing’ Croke Park, not stinking the place up with a repetition of the dung served up against Namibia the other night.

An important source said: “It was bad enough when Tyrone and Armagh were here week in week out with their rugby league style form of football. We just about tolerated that but definitely, unless this Ireland team sort themselves out they will be getting a call to find alternative accommodation. That was atrocious asking people to go all the way to France to watch that crap.”

A spokesman for the rugby people said: “Come the day, come the hower, we’ll answer Ireland’s call, and if that means standing shoulder to shoulder, we’ll stand tall. Roight?”

Derry Camogs Drink Canada Dry (if they could)

After their last gasp winner at Croker last Sunday against Clare, newly crowned All Ireland Junior Camogie champions have achieved another accolade. They are a total mess and that’s official.

After five nights on the beer (and counting) taking in Croke Park après match, Jury’s Croke Park Hotel (where the hotel management weren’t on the same page craic-wise at all), The Big Tree, and Outofyerface Jacks, they headed back up the road for an official welcome home at Slaughtneil. It was back into Maghera and Walsh’s Hotel where several of the team had to book in such was their tired and emotional state. If it’s Tuesday it must be Bellaghy and so it came to pass, the bar stayed open til’ four to allow repeated viewing of the match video we were told. Wednesday was supposed to see the team move on to the fleshpot that is Kelly’s in Portrush for some craic, ceol agus damhsa after a barbecue at a player’s house (we have been instructed by her legal representatives not to name her) but the livers were given a rest. Thursday night was Maghera again and the usual haunts and Friday is God knows where.

Talking Balls reckons if they show the same stamina and dedication to their cause this rip of drink could go on for months. So look out for a bunch of girls with smudged mascara and a few battle scars here and there, grinning from ear to ear and talking total shite that’ll be them. Lock up your son, especially if he’s a farmer.

Mickey Harte too Subtle By Half

The excellent Hogan Stand website claims that Micky Harte thinks Cork can win on Sunday. Talking Balls thinks Mickey is sooooo much thinking the opposite. Read for yourself:

Harte reckons Cork can win but . . .

13 September 2007

Tyrone football supremo Mickey Harte says it’s possible for Cork to upset the odds and secure the Sam Maguire Cup this Sunday at the expense of Kerry but they’ll have to play the game of their lives.

“It’s always a great incentive to beat the reigning champions, so there are lots of reasons Cork would want to win this,” Harte opined. “So I think it’s possible for Cork to win, but they’ll certainly have to play the game of their lives. They do possess a lot of class, allied to a lot of physique and physical presence.”

Mickey has obviously learned the skills of tact and diplomacy and knows how to say they haven’t a snowball’s chance in hell of winning in other words.

Mad Scotsman Injured in Unprovoked Attack. Drunk hurt too

The news is full of the story that soccer manager Alex Ferguson was assaulted by some drunk boy at London’s Euston Station on Monday. Drunken Scotsman, Kevin Reynolds, 43, punched Ferguson in the groin before head-butting and racially abusing a police support officer - the aptly named Peace Toluwa.

Reynolds was taken to a nearby police station and charged. Toluwa suffered a cut lip; Ferguson required no treatment although was said to be shocked and sore.

Reynolds’ lawyer said the defendant had a severe drink problem and had accidentally struck the Old Trafford boss while shadowboxing.

Shadowboxing eh? I bet that fella Mourinho wishes he had thought of that first.

News from the Nort

Editorial Note: references to Northern Ireland Government Ministers have been heavily censored due to legal concerns - these Ministers are by and large a humourless bunch who are prepared to sue anyone who impugns their reputation. Talking Balls can exclusively reveal that some of them are believed to have reputations that are still capable of being damaged.

Executive Ministers this week examined the recent spate of so-called ” sudden death syndrome” incidents involving young people engaged in sports.

The special focus - following the tragic deaths of two young GAA players in Tyrone in recent weeks - is on the potential implications for young people engaged in sports training. We now have the scenario of DUP ministers pronouncing on issues related to matters gaelic and athletic.

Ministers also intend to discuss recent revelations about illegal dog-fighting contests in parts of Co Armagh and elsewhere. As everyone knows by now, all GAA players and members are up to their arms in dog fighting. So much so in fact, that everytime I get in from a hard day at Talking Balls’ headquarters, or come home from training, old Cannonball gives me the glad eye and offers me on.

International Wet Duffel Coat Championship

If you’re in Belfast this weekend you could do worse than call in to Customs Square to take in Belfast’s first foray into the sand-in-your-every-orifice world of beach volleyball. What has this got to do with Talking Balls? Well, we’ve been there, played the game - best of all we’ve got the tee-shirt (Talking Balls Link: http://www.squareball.com/shop/product.php?productid=11&cat=1&page=1)

Sources have revealed that Casement Park wasn’t able to host the weekend’s extravaganza.

So, is it all sun, sea, sand and sex appeal - beach babes and the glamour of summer? Or will the lovely ladies feel a nip in the air from the chilly Belfast weather. Coach Denise Austin revealed that Northern Irish Weather conditions are part of an invaluable training exercise for the stars of the future:

“You have to be able to play in really adverse conditions and we always got good results on the world tour.”

Talking Balls predicts a host of wet duffel coat hangars on display over there in downtown Belfast.

Talking Balls can exclusively reveal that the Tyrone team that had entered the competition has sadly had to withdraw at the eleventh hour due to fears they could not commit to observing the following rules:

MISCONDUCT

23.1 CATEGORIES

23.1.1 Unsportsmanlike conduct: argumentation, intimidation, etc.

23.1.2 Rude conduct: acting contrary to good manners or moral principles, expressing contempt.

23.1.3 Offensive conduct: defamatory or insulting words or gestures.

23.1.4 Aggression: physical attack or intended aggression.

If you do manage to get on down there, here’s a few more extracts from the official rules to keep yourself right…

EQUIPMENT

A player’s equipment consists of shorts or a bathing suit. A jersey or “tank-top” is optional except when specified in Tournament Regulations. Players may wear a hat.

5.1.5 Player’s jerseys (or shorts if players are allowed to play without shirt) must be numbered 1 and 2. The number must be placed on the chest (or on the front of the shorts).

UNIFORMITY OF BALLS

All balls used in a match must have the same characteristics regarding color, circumference, weight, pressure, type, etc.

Official international competitions must be played with FIVB homologated balls.

And Talking Balls favourite rule…

AUTHORIZED CHANGES

The first referee may authorize one or more players:

b) to change wet jerseys between sets provided that the new ones also follow tournament and FIVB regulations.

Their Likes Will Never Be Seen Again

A team of Aran Islanders are to swim across to Ireland before making their way barefooted across Ireland to Dublin where they will compete for the first time ever in the All-Ireland Junior club seven-a-side football championships this weekend. The competition which will once again be hosted by south Dublin club, St. Jude’s Templelogue.

Team spokesman Bonaparte O’Loonasa said: “Tis great being over in Ireland altogether now. We have been training on the beach to get fit and swimming with the porpoises. There’s a lad swims in from Inis Oirr and two come over on a currach from Inis Meann. It can be hard enough to bond the team with three different nationalities but we are confident we have a great defence altogether now. Our forbears built Dun Aengus so that tells you all you need to know about us lads. Yerra.”

Fair Play to Ye Lads

The GPA have announced plans that the winner of their inaugural fair play award will get €15,000 towards the home of their dreams. Talking Balls sincerely hopes there is no oul hanky panky in people cynically trying to win the award. Ye can just see it, Kerry ahead by six on Sunday and Tom O’Sullivan or one of the lads decides to bury her in his own net just to make a game of it and give Cork an oul chance.

We are also wracking our brains to try and remember a single instance of fair play in this summer’s championship. Fair play to the GPA for thinking this up and fair play to the Halifax for sponsoring it.

Some possible winners then of the GPA Fair Play Award:

• Dublin’s Peadar Carton for taking his oil and serving his suspension after undoubtedly pulling on the head of a Tipperary player - Fair Play to Ye Peadar
• Crossmaglen’s McEntee for voluntarily walking off the pitch after his second unnoticed yellow card in the All Ireland club final al those months ago. Fair Play Ye John.
• Derry’s Paddy Bradley for serving out his suspension after feeling ref Barry Cassidy’s collar - Fair Play to Ye Paddy
• A team award to Dublin for the way they brought the term in your face to a new level. Fair Play to ye’s lads.
• To the CCC and all those that suspended Sean Og et al. Fair Play to ye lads.
• The Derry Co Chairman for crying about Tyrone’s point that never was in the Ulster Final. Fair Play to Ye. And Fair Play to the Derry management too for the way they drove her on, said nothing and now find themselves in an All Ireland.
• Jack O’Conor for opening the lid on what a spiteful and grudging oul hoor he really is - Fair Play to Ye Jack.

Small Matter of a Little Local Difficulty in Croker this Sunday

Pat O’Shea and Billy Morgan have been putting the finished touches to their respective teams ahead of the neighbourly spat that is this year’s All Ireland Final. A bit like Tyrone and Armagh bitterness and jealousy among the two sets of supporters is matched by high levels of spectator ennui elsewhere in the country. Talking Balls wonders if the game fails to deliver as a spectacle will the teams have to listen to the same drivel that we heard after the All Ulster Final.

We have been out and about in Munster and we met unprecedented levels of people in Tipp, Limerick and Clare who said they wouldn’t even bother their holes watching it on the box. As Kerry name the same team, Cork draft in James Masters in place of Goulding and Miskella takes the place of the unfortunate Anthony Lynch. Talking Balls would say young James will know fairly early on if his cheek is rosy enough for the game.

The office was full of debate on who will take who - and we’re hoping that there is a match up between Paul Galvin and Noel O’Leary, if no other reason than to keep the people in the cheap seats happy. Other key tussles will be Dara O Se and Nicholas Murphy and whoever picks up Gooch - possibly Canty. Gooch’s big strength is his ability to chameleon-like change his colours from deadly score taker to perceptive playmaker. Whatever hat he decides to wear he takes the watching.

Cork selector John Corcoran reckons that Cork’s run of disappointments will give them the hunger they might need. “It has been very heartening to see the improvement in the team in that time. Yes, there have been setbacks along the way, but to have suffered is the best medicine any team could get. It’s a great feeling to be preparing for an All-Ireland final and we can’t wait for the ball to be thrown in at this stage. I wouldn’t have any worries about the lads being fazed by the occasion. If anything, I think it will inspire them.”

“We’ve left no stone unturned and we certainly believe we can win this All-Ireland. The players are in peak condition, are full of confidence and I honestly don’t think we’ll get a better chance to bring Sam back to Cork.”

Talking Balls has the snooze button set in case we are forced to fall asleep for reasons beyond our control.

Racists Alive and Well and Hurling

Some weeks back we brought you tales of sectarian and racial abuse. Word has reached Talking Balls that Show Racism the Red Card has teamed up with the Gaelic Players Association to highlight the issue of racism within the GAA. As part of their work they are going to issue 25,000 A6 size posters which have the ‘Show Racism the Red Card’ message. Fans are being asked to raise the red cards every time there is a score in the All Ireland Final.

The Irish National Co-ordinator SRTRC Garrett Mullan, is asking fans from all the competing counties to raise the posters as a sign of unity against racism every time there is a score during the first 15 minutes of the game on Sunday.

“The purpose of the activity is to give fans the opportunity to voice their opinion on the issue, so that fans watching the All-Ireland can see that they are against racism. We are asking people to give the red card to racism every time their team scores. We know that Kerry fans might not want to raise a red card, but we are asking them to give it a go.”

The much welcome stunt comes in a week in which two black players in Meath were racially abused in a minor hurling match in Meath. One reacted and got sent off for his pains. Surely the ref got this badly wrong. - unless they deal with it on the pitch players will get off scot free.

Trim delegate CJ Murtagh was incensed at the abuse: “It’s the first time that we have come across this and we believe that unless something is done about the problem now more incidents like this will follow. As hurling people we need to be in the front line in dealing with this problem which will get worse and clubs need to be notified, they need to know what is going on to deal with the issue. Some initiative needs to be taken and it has to come from the top.”

Talking Balls can’t really argue to much with the lad burstin’ whoever gave him stick but the tramp who did it should be dealt with by his own club in the first instance. If you tolerate this your children will be next.

The Right Stuff

This week a reflective Ger Manas takes a look back over the season so far and thinks that for football anyway, it’s all been a bit of a damp squib.

September’s always the same for me - I be lookin’ forward to the finals surely but ye definitely miss the flow of matches that ye’ve been following all summer. Most years there’s fierce interest in the football, but jaze I dunno whether I’m footballed out, drunk out or whatever ever but I’m havin’ fierce bother getting’ mesel at all worked up about this Sunday.

Ye can’t help but thinking that Kerry’s too much in the tank for the Corkmen. God knows what Billy Morgan will do if them boys gets bate - he’s been foot to the board getting them boys gee-ed up and ready to roll. I just think the Kerry lads have too much for them - but then again I’ve been wrong before and sure as pussy’s a cat I’ll be wrong again. I would say young Masters will be clocked early one now to test out that jaw of his and that’s no disrespect to the Kerry men - that’s the way it goes. I mind onetime playin’ an oul match and I had a bad dose and so I ate a few of them immodium things before we threw in. Next thing this big hoor hit me full on the gut with his fist and another boy lands on me. I’ll tell ye - them tablets earned their spurs that day. I remembered the big hoor was beside me in one of the stalls before the game and he must have heard my troubles.

Anyway, talking about shite, I hope that Cork can get themselves into the position where they’re able to stay with Kerry. I was chattin’ to Kerry wans during the week - they reckon all their all Irelands will be for nothing if they lose this one to the oul enemy. I don’t think that’ll be the case mesel’ but I know them Tyrone fellas got fierce sport out of bating Armagh in the All Ireland Final. I can just hear them Rebels, ah but sure we bate ye’s when it mattered. That’s the once chance I think Cork may have - if they can get the whole things revved up to the max and sow it into the Kingdom. Tis a bad year so far for Cork when ye think about it by their standards and them the cockiest shower in the country.

Their hurlers weren’t good enough - no matter what way ye dress that up - it’s back to the drawin’ board for them. Canning and them Galway boys blew them out of it in extra time in the U-21 hurling and by jaze that Canning is some boy. An abrasive f***er too by the look of things last Sunday in Croker. By God he’s a handy boy at jabbin a man in the gut with the oul hurley. Next thing the Cork camogs gets outdone by Wexford - and I have to say that Wexford goalie is a fine lookin yoke - and they totally deserved to win that game. To see them Wexford people on the field twas great. They deserved all the got - they hunted in packs, they hounded the cork weemin down, they put them off their stroke and you know how much camogs hate bein’ put off their stroke.

I got in early on Sunday cos I’d heard that Derry camogie team played some good stuff for a junior team. Well I saw that Katie McAuley girl in action - jaze she can do some damage with one hand - imagine what she could do if she used two. She’s a rare enough way of blockin the ball too, she turned her backside to the girl strikin’ and I’ll tell ye, her coach should tell her to watch that or she’ll get a quare welt on her hole. If it was me, she’d be getting a kick in the hole tellin’ her not to do it - to be fair it does work. That wee girl McGoldrick too - jaze she can quare’n strike a ball too. I’ll tell ye, I’ve seen senior hurlers couldn’t land the point she hit from a free in the first half - ye’d a thought she owned the ball, she took near enough every free and every line ball. They give the goal to that full forward McAtamney but I’ll tell you twas McGoldrick’s. The Derry team had two things that I’d preach to any team. They worked their asses off for each other - hookin’, blockin’ and tacklin. The blockin’ was unreal in the second half - Derry had the first, second and third player stepping in putting themselves on the line. The full back Kelly emptied one of the Clare girls and so did Katie McAuley. Little did they know those tackles - and full on I’m-gonna-win-that-ball tackles they were - would give them the time to win the game later on. The wee girl Cassidy who was as full of beans as I ever saw blocked the Clare player to make her first point. Ye preach these things and people don’t listen especially women but them girls was listenin’ to someone - maybe even themselves. The other thing they had was they never gave up. I heard some of them punters on the radio say Derry was lucky - they weren’t. And punters talk some shite too mesel included. They deserved their victory - they were still there, in the game, with their wits about them and their heads up when it mattered. That wee girl from Bellaghy - Aisling Diamond - she’s trained for nine months and two days so that when she had the chance, just the one chance to win the All Ireland for Derry, she was ready. And I would say she gave thanks be to God for every single one of them days when that ball went over the line. Cigar time for Diamond. If you’re still there, and you’re in a position to make the difference and win a game then you’re not lucky. It’s belief, it’s balls, it’s the right stuff. Derry had it - that’s what winning is.

This week in Talking Balls we reflect on some of the fall-out from the All Ireland hurling Final. Ger Loughnane just stopped short of bursting into the Sunday Game studio to slag Kilkenny - was he likely to turn up at the Kilkenny team hotel? We wouldn’t put it past him and neither would Brian Cody who called him a lunatic!

This weekend the camogs are in action in Croker as is Joe Canning. Boys he played some stuff in the semi v Cork so it will provide a distraction between the camogs. Good luck to all the girls on the biggest day of their lives, especially the girls in white. You know who you are!

Ger looks at God knows what, we dunno what he’s on or where he’s at but it’s worth a listen as usual.

Henry Shefflin delivered a stunning oration from the steps of the Hogan sharing the presentation of the Liam McCarthy with young Darragh McGarry in a gesture that left hardly a dry eye in the house. Yep, Hogan Stand on All Ireland day - a dream of youngster everywhere no doubt - including we would surmise Patrick Breen, the young Tyrone footballer who died tragically at training this week. He and his family are in our thoughts.

If you’re club is playing this weekend- go watch them. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.

GAA in its Proper Light

Henry Shefflin brought a tear to many’s an eye on Sunday when he shared his moment of glory on the steps of the Hogan Stand with Darragh McGarry, son of veteran keeper James’ late wife Vanessa who died in a car accident earlier in the summer. Moments like this demonstrate what the GAA is about.

What Makes Ger LoUghNAne TICk?

Brian Cody has described former college teammate as “a lunatic from Clare talking rubbish at the moment. Showing a surprising amount of concern for the deranged one Cody says he thinks Loughnane will say anything to attract publicity.

Loughnane had attacked Kilkenny’s aggressive style of play before Galway played the Cats in the All-Ireland quarter-final allegedly repeated his words on radio last Saturday. Loughnane apparently thinks that Kilkenny have a grá for flicking their hurls across opponents.

Cody is having none of it: “I know Ger very, very well, obviously, and it’s sad to see him descend to that level. Inferiority is what I believe it is, a serious sense of inferiority to descend to that silly talk. We are a good team. He is suggesting that we are a dirty team and that’s wrong.”

Traditionally of course, lunacy was associated with changes brought about by the phases of the moon - so we’ll just put it down to Ger’s time of the month shall we?

Intoxicating Vintage not Sour Grapes

Colourful Limerick manager claims the Cats live ‘on the edge’ on the back of Sunday’s defeat. Richie says however that his comments aren’t sour grapes and that the better team deserved to win. As the saying goes nice guys win nothing and it would be naïve in the extreme to suggest that Kilkenny are the team they are without being able to take and dish out the tough stuff.

“We weren’t surprised by the intensity of Kilkenny in the first 10 minutes. We had prepared the lads for that. We know the road Kilkenny have taken for the past two or three years. They’re a borderline team, and I stress that – a borderline team. I admire them for that, I aspire to that.

“I would hope to get Limerick hurling to that level of intensity and physicality. But definitely, Kilkenny are living on the edge. Sephen Lucey got six stitches in his face from a jab with the handle of the hurley early on in the game and young Seamus Hickey has bruised ribs from another jab of a hurley. Little things like that went unseen and unpunished by the referee.

“While all that was going on then, Brian Geary got a yellow card, for what? A belt of a shoulder? And that affected his play afterwards, he couldn’t be as aggressive. Mark Foley had a free awarded against him for pulling on the ball on the ground for the first Kilkenny point which was a harsh decision.

‘And this is not sour grapes — Kilkenny were by far the better team in Croke Park, there is no doubt whatever about that.”

Bennis believes that teams must copy Kilkenny — if they are to beat them.

Let’s remember what they say about Kilkenny hurling and the venerable Michael O Muircheartaigh repeated at the weekend. At their training games, Cody blows the whistle and throws in the ball and that’s it until the game’s over.

But remember too what Cork said about the Cats in 2003 – they complained about the head high tackles. The next year they trained with tackle bags to prepare themselves for the onslaught and came through victorious.

Certainly where Talking Balls was seated on Sunday Seamus Hickey seemed to get a couple of rude introductions to an All Ireland Final and we’re not talking about the goal that Eddie Brennan filleted him for.

Derry Captain Wins Reserve Championship Medal and Keeps a Straight Face

News has reached Talking Balls that Derry captain Kevin McGuckin has added to his impressive medal tally by winning another Derry championship medal, beating old rivals Bellaghy in the process. Yes, that’s right folks, highly regarded defender McGuckin who was part of the Ballinderry team that won the All Ireland Club Championship back in 2002 and captained Derry in their All Ireland quarter final joust with Dublin, this season played for Ballinderry in their successful bid to claim the Derry senior reserve championship.

Well done Kevin, you’re some boy and Ballinderry’s some team.

Due to the tortuous nature of the Derry football championship which was transformed into a Champions League style affair by the all Derry County Board, with two games played before the end of June and the next round of matches played, er, last weekend, the CCC in Derry decreed that any player that hadn’t played in the first two rounds of the league part of the Championship was eligible for the Reserve Championship. Ballinderry duly must have seen a windey of opportunity sur. Kevin McGuckin then could land himself a unique double – a senior and reserve championship medal in the same season. A treble or quadruple even if the loughshore men can land Ulster and All Ireland honours again. Hardly what reserve football’s for but I’ll tell ye, that loughshore is some place.

Bitchin’ Session Mars Semi Final

True to our word Talking Balls sat down to watch the All Ireland football semi final featuring Mayo and Tyrone. Now in the gentlemen’s game one of the stories of the summer has been the sledging and bitchin’ being dished out after scores and missed scores. All the usual ‘never miss when I’m shootin’ with yer sister,’ shite that is roared in fella’s faces – ye know the stuff we’re talking about.

Well, it was disappointing to say the least to see the ladies game display similar traits on Saturday evening. After the skilful and seemingly likeable Cora Staunton had her penalty saved by Tyrone keeper Elaine Mallaghan, she banged in the rebound and followed up with a volley of verbals. Talking Balls can only guess what ladies would say to one another in this situation – ‘the lads told me you couldn’t deal with greasy balls’ or ‘every time we did it yer da threw me a bun’, but whatever the spake was, the boul Elaine was having none of it. To our delight she assaulted Cora in the nether regions and got ten minutes in the sin bin for her trouble. Only problem was, Cora got off scot free. I suppose if this is a new phenomenon the ‘ladies’ may not have steps yet to deal with it, but if it were me I’d have roaded both them and told them to sort it out at the back of the stand. Interestingly if it was the men’s game Cora may also have landed in hot water.

Cora went on to get Player of the match or should that be Lady of the match. Certainly it wasn’t very lady like and left a bad taste in the mouth…

Championship Chipitos

Those chaps at Hogan Stand are good craic. Talking Balls has noted that the camogie section of the excellent Hogan Stand website is sponsored by Olhausen Pork Products. The camogs are wile ones for the pork right enough. Olhausen are just the lads, offering the ladies delights including New Polish Sausage and the Perfect Pork.

Talking Balls link: www.olhausens.ie

Clarke Aiming for Victory Dais as Dyas Head South

As former Armagh minor, Poly Sigerson player and Abbey CBS Hogan winner Kevin Dyas becomes the latest to plight his troth to the Aussies, former Down prodigy Martin Clarke has his sights set on the big prize.

Says Clarke: ‘Everything has gone well this year but I have got a lot to learn. It would be incredible to win the Premiership in my first year at Collinwood, but we have to win in a massive game against Sydney on Saturday first. We have beaten them twice this year, but it’s going to be a very close game.

‘It’s nice that some of my coaches have commented on how well I have played this year, and maybe the way that Aussie Rules has become more of a running game has made the transition from Gaelic football easier, but I just want to keep improving.’

Tyrone boss, Mickey Harte has again rusticated the whole concept of the link with the Australians but the attacks have washed off the Aussies.

‘Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb mate,’ commented one antipodean.

Real Men Play Hurlin – Leave Soccer to the Wooftas

Henry Shefflin knew there was something wrong with his knee when he heard something snap after a fair but intense tussle with Peter Lawlor.

Sources in the Cat’s camp say he was keen to go out and play the second half of the game despite the obvious problem with his knee. There’s something about hurlers – Brian Lohan famously played on with a hamstring torn early in an All Ireland Final and there are stories of players playing with broken arms.

Compare that with soccer hard man Gareth Edds who plays for English side MK Dons. “I heard a snap, I heard a snap!” he screamed rolling around in agony last week. It was only when another player told him it was his shinpad that broke that he got back on his feet. Is horse’s ass a suitably insulting term for this fella or do we need something worse?

GPA To Strike?

Dessie Farrell has warned that the GPA may consider strike action if their dispute with the Government over possible grants to players is not resolved to their satisfaction. He recently met with Taoiseach and occasional GAA fan Bertie Ahern to press the merits of their case.

Talking Balls has a lot of sympathy with the players. The PTB revealed that the sponsorship arrangements with the bank of Ireland and Guinness were coming to the end of their lifespan to be replaced with ‘Champions League’ style partnerships – thereby doubling the potential revenues in the process. We again have had a bumper summer – particularly from the hurling perspective in terms of attendances, quality matches and TV coverage. There have been a number of triple headers in Croke Park generating tremendous income. In parallel we have heard that the PTB have appointed an English hotshot media advisor to help maximise the TV revenues – a move that has led the Ulster Council to push for the rights to remain with terrestrial broadcaster – they don’t want to see some ET outfit cycling off with the rights and are concerned about games promotion to youngsters and rightly so.

One well placed GPA advisor told Talking Balls about three years ago that they were prepared to strike. Meanwhile it occurs to Talking Balls that maybe the GPA have missed the boat for a strike – surely the time was slap bang in the middle of the summer when the media coverage was at its height and sponsors were maximising their appeal.

His Ma’s From Tonga, His Da’s Not From Fermanagh and His Bookie is Paddy Power

From the world of foreign games, Talking Balls is intrigued to learn that Tongan rugby union star Epi Tione – his ma’s from Tonga but his da’s not from Fermanagh – has changed his name by deed poll to Paddy Power for the duration of the Rugby World Cup. The guerilla marketing wheeze is the brainchild of the Paddy Power bookmaking chain – famed for their innovative promotional stunts. And the GAA thought that Paul Codd and Sean Óg were pushing the envelope when they had Paddy Power stamped on their hurleys.

One of the elephants in the room inhabited by the Rugger boys is the way in which the Aussie and New Zealand unions asset strip the pacific nations of their best rugby players in much the same way as Cork strip them of their best hurlers. In return the Pacific nations get zero in terms of full international matches against the big two. Prior to changing his name Paddy Power was previously better known for biting Denis Leamy’s ear when playing for Sale against Munster in the Heineken Cup – he subsequently received an 18 week ban. Had he been a gaelic and athletic player, Fergal Logan would have got him off at the DRA citing an obscure but highly relevant legal precedent arguing that chewed ear as a national delicacy in Tonga. Paddy Power has Paddy Power at 7-1 to score a try against England – Talking Balls will be having some of that.

The bookmaker funded the cash-strapped Tonga team’s preparations for the World Cup tournament, the planet-rugby.com website reported. Paddy Power is unique amongst the rugby fraternity in that he can play centre, wing or No 8. He now plies his trade in Japan.

His namesake, the Continuity Paddy Power entered into the spirit of things by saying: “I was never good enough to play rugby in a World Cup and figured this was as close as I was going to get,” he said.

Talking Balls can further reveal that Cork Manager Billy Morgan has agreed to go by the name of Talking Balls for the duration of the Bank of Ireland Football Final following our payment of a sizeable amount into his account to be used for any fines the great man attracts during the match.

A Carton of Worms

Dublin U-21 hurling star Peadar Carton is showing the same sort of footwork round the disciplinary process as he does round the hurling pitch. At the minute his on-off suspension is off following a successful appeal to Central Appeals Committee – potentially leaving him free to play in Sunday’s decider at Croker.

If you have missed this, Peadar’s wild pull in the hurling qualifier round left Tipperary defender Paul Curran with a broken jaw, a sore neck and missing some teeth. He was booked at the time and subsequently suspended for eight weeks for an action described by Babs as the ugliest he had ever seen in hurling.

Procedural issues won’t fix a man’s jaw or re-insert his teeth but the can certainly leave a seriously bad odour round the palce. Can we say it again. Sort this out lads. So much for Nickey Brennan’s appeal that players should respect the rules and takes the punishment meted out.

If the Suit Fits, Wear it

This week Ger took time out from his busy schedule to attend a number of functions including the prestigious Irish News All Stars. Still numbed by Marty Morrissey’s life story that failed to mention his legendary question to Francie Barrett the boxer’s ma, Ger reflects on a great night for Ulster football.

I used to hate goin to oul black tie dos. I think it was the thought of rentin’ trousers that some other bollix was in before me – I always thought they smelled or something – especially the warmer the evening the worse it got. Might been just my imagination. In the last few years I always felt that the mark of a true gael was the man that owned his own monkey suit. It meant he had been to a few awards ceremonies or was prepared to have a dacent oul night out. Eventually I got meself a set of formal gear and every time I throw it on it’s like another oul badge on the shirt. Means I get to wash me own trousers and know any smell’s me own. A man likes that.

I was very honoured to be invited down to the Irish News do – Ulster football sickens my shite at times – them hoors hate each other and its hard to get a bit of praise out of one man for another from a different county so when a couple of fellas asked me to go I wasn’t sure. I thought maybe they might have been lookin me to speak but sure I’m shite at that sort of thing so I was fair and relieved when I heard thon boy Marty Morrissey was going to do it. Now that fella, no harm to him but I never got over the night he interviewed that travellin’ boxin lad Francie Barrett’s ma. Sez I to Mrs Ger thon bollix isn’t right in the head. He pipes up the other night ‘this is only the second time I was asked to do this.’ That’s when the alarm bells rang – I thought oh my jaze here we go. Poor oul Marty he rabbits on and on about God knows what. All the time that big fat hoor Benny Tierney sitting there – if there was a sub for a dinner speaker the notice board would have gone up.

Some of them boys is fierce funny and drole and they don’t even know it. That big long string of piss Enda Muldoon. Sez Tierney to him ‘one yer day Derry can beat anyone,’ sez the Ballinderry man, ‘Aye one our day we can beat anyone but anyone can beat us too.’ The place was coming down with boys that know nathin about football – as well as that Adrian Logan, Jerome Quinn, as well as big Joe Kernan, Mickey Harte and Seamus McEneaney. There was some quare lookin yojes there too, I saw one or two of the young lads on the look out for an oul wardrobe malfunction as Jesse Jackson called it. That fella Donal O’Neill from the GPA was there too and the next thing the hoor wins the free Irish News shirt in the draw. I had me eye on her too for the nephew but sure twasn’t to be.

Nickey Brennan was there and he slagged the bejasus out of the media includin’ I’m sure this oul Talking Balls but to be honest I couldn’t hear him that well. As for the them Monaghan boys – they’d a needed subtitles or a f***in translator – that Tierney – he’d ask a question and next them Freeman boys boys would be blethering: ‘doot too me…… dat team……. Dem boys……………. Dat belief……………..banty…….empty the tank……………dat’s grate………seem dem boy’is……dat match……..d’ye know…..empty de tank…….empty de tank…..de next day………….Banty…………empty de tank.’

This Sunday I’m headin to Croker to watch the camogie. At this stage of the season I have to say I’ve near had enough. Last Sunday, and no matter what Limerick say this is true, the Cats cleaned them boys out big time. A Limerick fella I know was flat out telling me that Limerick had outscored Kilkenny over sixty minutes. Sez I tis a pity the game’s played over seventy. Ye got the impression that Kilkenny could have driven her on again any time they wanted. I felt sorry for that young lad Hickey – not the Kilkenny fella – he whaled the Limerick man just as he got injured and that’s why he got the card as far as I could see – but young Seamus. Eddie Brennan was like my grandson – he’s always guilty but never gets caught. He left Hickey bating the ground with the stick whatever he was at and I saw me oul mate Richie out telling Hickey to focus. Kilkenny never got where they are by fancy-dan-ing round the show. Their hardy tough oul bastards and as Bennis says, teams need to be like that if they’s playin’ the Cats otherwise they’ll get bate. I’d be as tough an oul hoor as the next man but to see Shefflin lift McGarry’s young lad up to lift the Cup – well I nerver saw the likes.

Anyway, I said this week I’m going to watch the camogs and I have to say I like the look of that Derry team. When I was a young fella I courted an oul yoke from Derry and she was the greatest oul court ye ever had. Every time I see them wans in their white and red they look like angels and hey remind me of that wan – wonder whatever happened to her. I’m coming round to them skort yokes – a man likes things the way they was and shorts is short and skorts is skorts. I heard someone talk about Irish womanhood – well that women’s football is bad enough without a big pair of pink legs sticking out of the end of a pair of shorts and them blotchy and sick lukin like a big wobbly jellyfish. Now yer camog, she wears that fake sunburn stuff - so the grandson tells me - and it means the oul legs is nice and brown rather than looking like strawberry jelly and raspberry ripple ice cream mixed. Plus there’s something graceful about throwin up yer balls and pullin’ with the oul stick. I toul come of them girls to do the basics – there’s no point doing the Hollywood things and then making a balls of it. Do the simple things and if ye are good enough Hollywood will notice. Some will listen to ye and most won’t but sure if it makes one a better player it’s worked. Anyway, good luck to Derry and Clare and Cork and Wexford.

The other man I want to see is that Joe Canning. He looked like he’d turned into a fat oul bollix when the Fitzgibbon Cup was on and I thought Loughnane had his decision made for him. That was until I watched that U-21 semi final. Canning was unreal – he put a sideline ball from his own half wide. Any man can shoot that far.. well I dunno. He set up two goals and scored a couple of great points. If that eejit Loughnane can get young Joe with him next year should be good craic but in the meantime, I’d say he’ll give the Dubs plenty of what they need.