Talking Balls Issue 20 - Well Informed Ignorance
Talking BallsThis week as we celebrate our twentieth edition, we are still shocked at Meath’s departure from the ‘scene’ after our over confident prediction last week. Bollix to that - just shows that even non-experts can be wrong sometimes too. Ever since we have had to listen to experts like that boy Eugene McGee say why he always thought Meath wouldn’t win. The road is long and cute runs the fox - or whatever the saying goes.
The wet squib of a match wasn’t without its talking points - Noel O’Leary shows as much chutzpah as his namesake Michael in taking out Graham Geraghty. Commentators spluttered not sure whether to be outrage or amused. Meanwhile Noel, a big willing looking fella grinned and dozed on. No dozer tho’ - knew exactly what he was at.
We reflect on the cultural issue affecting Irish Sikhs - how will this affect our games? Talking Balls is in the forefront of action there. There is still time to vote for the tee shirt for Roy Keane so contact us again even if you have already - votail early and often.
Babs Keating won’t go away you know. Next week we will look at hurling in depth in the wake of the Considine affair in Clare and ahead of the All Ireland Final. Readers of the Irish Examiner look out for our exclusive brochure insert next week and thanks to Michael Moynihan for his support.
Plenty more in an action packed edition so read on. If you need glasses visit an optician or call the AA. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.
Is that a Dictaphone or are you just pleased to see me?
Billy Morgan’s growing reputation as the curmudgeonly oul bastard of the gaelic and athletic is going from strength to strength following his bizarre actions last Sunday in Croke Park when he thrust an unsuspecting Irish Examiner reporter’s Dictaphone down the front of his trousers. Billy’s increasingly erratic behaviour will, it is feared spark off a series of copycat actions amongst other managers as the hurling, football and camogie series reach a climax.
Said one source close to the top: “We hope thrusting electronic equipment into pants, brassieres and other undergarments will not become a feature of our games. We are not sure yet how safe some of these devices might be - if vibrated about they might give someone a nasty shock.”
After returning the offending piece of apparatus, Billy Morgan headed off to the Cork dressing room, apparently highly satisfied but exhausted with his day’s work.
And, just when you though it was safe to turn on the wireless…
The last Talking Balls heard former Tipp hurling boss Babs Keating was heading for pastures new in the Gulf.
Not so. The boul Babs popped up on RTE’s ‘Liveline’ programme to lend his support to Cork’s ‘Wild’ Billy Morgan, who - as we reported above - raised a few eyebrows when he lowered his waistband to accommodate the Examiner’s Dictaphone.
Offering Billy his full support, Babs said a dictaphone wouldn’t be enough to push down the tracksuit bottoms of some of the columnists he has had to deal with in Tipp.
Lashing the local journalistic talent, Babs said: ‘All these fellas are great with the benefit of hindsight. I can honestly say that not only do I rely on my two selectors, but also the county chairman who played inter-county hurling and I have very good advisers who hold four or five All-Ireland medals.
“And for the Tipperary public to have to put up with some of the columnists in the country for their advice . . . .as I said if you asked them to shorten a hurley, they’d probably start at the wrong end.’
Nothing compared to what Talking Balls has to put up with Babs.
All this is the same week as he has thrown his hat into the ring to become next Tipp football manager. Whatever next - Babs for Ard Stuirthoir?
Don’t Forget Your Turban If You Want to Go to Work
The Gardai have got themselves into a tricky spot this week with their decision to ban a member of the Sikh religion from wearing a turban - he has been told by the boys in blue that he has to wear the iconic standard issue peaked cap as worn by Pillar Caffrey et al.
For all you monocultural bog savages - Sikhs do not cut their hair for religious reasons and are obliged to cover it with a turban unlike Laois’s Colm Parkinson. According to Harpreet Singh, President of Irish Sikh Council, asking a Sikh community member to get rid of his turban “is like asking him to remove his head”. Mr Singh has instead called for Sikh Gardaí to be allowed wear a turban carrying the insignia of An Garda Síochána instead of a standard issue hat.
Sikhs in police and defence forces in the United States, Britain, Canada, Singapore, Malaysia, Pakistan, and India are permitted to wear turbans. There are up to 1,500 Sikhs living on the island of Ireland.
What has this got to do with things gaelic and athletic you may ask? Well, of these 1500 Sikhs, Talking Balls is sure that some of them would be keen to play hurling. Sikh’s after all were traditionally warriors and as part of their religion each carries a small dagger in much the same way as Joe Kernan’s Armagh side wore those girly orange wristbands and had an apple tattooed behind their left knee. Under current rules players up to the U-21 grade will be obliged to wear a helmet thereby potentially discriminating against any of your young Sikhs that may be adept with caman agus sliotar but cannot play without their turban.
Not wishing to be outflanked a la Garda Síochána, the PTB at Croker have commissioned Talking Balls to carry out research with the Mycro hurling helmet company to build a helmet that can accommodate the standard issue turban. Larger than the normal helmet, it is believed the Sikh friendly model would be a great asset for any team facing a Damian Fitzhenry penalty or indeed a Paul Flynn 21 yard free given its larger surface area and the enhanced padding afforded by the turban underneath.
Squareball to Sponsor All Ireland Championships?
More shite from Talking Balls OR not as far fetched as you might think? Well news has reached our plush offices - as it does - that Bank of Ireland and Guinness are to be axed as sponsors of the football and hurling championships respectively.
The news could open the door for a bidding war that may allow the likes of Talking Balls’ proud parent Squareball to attach its name to one or both of the senior championships - if of course the terms were right for us.
The PTB have announced that they intend splitting the sponsorship rights across three companies for each of the blue riband competitions and have informed the lovely people at the Bank of Ireland and Guinness accordingly. Both firms will be reviewing their position and indeed Talking Balls has not ruled out the possibility that it may in fact end up in turn being sponsored by Ireland’s leading drink in a unique reciprocal arrangement.
Talking Balls can exclusively reveal that if we did receive sponsorship from Guinness we would commit to exclusive consumption of pints of stout to the exclusion of all others. The Office WAG has even agreed to stop drinking Breezers and WKD among other things - if the proposed deal is forthcoming. No-one from Guinness was available for comment when we rang.
For the PTB it is understood that the new plan would see income rise to €6.5 million rather than the paltry €3.5 it currently lifts.
What then have Guinness and Bank of Ireland done for the competitions? Well they have produced some rather good advertising - what would you do for your county the Bank of Ireland asked. ‘Anything,’ said the Office WAG ‘and indeed I have done anything when asked…’
Now, more news has reached Talking Balls that Guinness have developed an eye catching and highly realistic hologram that will see Joe Deane and ladies’ favourite Big Dan Shanahan appear Princess Leia-like in the foyer of the Grafton Centre and hurl with each other. We kid you nae.
Speaking about the hologram, Dan Shanahan said, ‘I didn’t really know what to expect and it is quite surreal seeing a hologram of myself, but the technology is really cool and we had good fun filming the sequence. It is definitely the first time I’ve had a puck around Grafton Street that’s for sure!’Pamela Selby from Guinness said, “The Guinness All-Ireland Hurling Championship always provides fans with great entertainment and excitement. We always like to showcase the unique skills of the game and the vibrant nature of hurling. The technology behind the hologram certainly allows us to do just that. Not only does it bring this year’s campaign to life, but it is sure to attract a lot of attention from passers by”.
Regular readers will not be surprised to learn that we have already been inundated by fans of Big Dan - mainly female fans we have to add - to find out just how realistic the hologram will be…
Justin or Justout?
Waterford hurler, Dan Shanahan, has backed Cork native and Waterford manager Justin McCarthy to stay in the post. Waterford lost recently to Limerick in the semi-final of the All Ireland hurling championship - Ireland’s premier sporting competition. Hurling is an ancient game believed to have been played back in the earliest times when Ireland was just discovered.
Mr Shanahan said: ‘I would be definitely in favour of Justin staying on. He had done a huge amount for Waterford hurling, and thanks to him, we’ve won three Munster titles and the National League this year. There’s nothing that Justin doesn’t know about hurling. When Justin came to Waterford we had hardly any All-Stars, but thanks to him, we now have about 10 awards. Some people may feel that a new manager would be a plus for the team, but it’s not as if he could wave a magic wand, and guarantee us winning the All-Ireland next year.’
Hurling is a game played by teams of fifteen players. They attempt to strike a small leather covered ball between two posts using ash sticks known as camans or hurleys. Dan Shanahan is one of Ireland’s Most Valuable Players (MVP) and has delivered more three pointers and assists in the in-goal zone than any other player in the premiership.
(Thanks to our American intern for this contribution amongst others. Can’t write much can he?)
Kerry Fans to Look the Part in Croker
Kerry’s unprecedented surge in demand for tickets for the semi-final has been put down to their increased confidence, self esteem and enhanced self worth. And, that is all thanks to Squareball. The youthful and funky clothing brand recently put pen to paper in a deal that allows Quills to sell the gear in Kerry and Cork.
Kerry fans normally don’t travel to All Ireland semi-finals as they want to keep the good clothes nice for the final. Now, Kerry people in their droves have been buying up Squareball products so they look the part when they get up to Dublin.
The Kingdom have received 14,500 tickets for Sunday’s glamour tie with the Dubs, compared to 11,000 for the 2005 final when Tyrone kicked their ass.
Prominent Kerryman Tomas O Crohan said: ‘We are abs-o-loot-lee delighted to have got our hands on this Squareball stuff. Tis mighty altogether now. In other years we headed above to Dublin on the train looking like yokels. Yerra, we have put that behind us now, and their likes will never be seen again. This time we may even get some of them women that live above there to look at us sideways.’
Squareball Stockists - Get Geared Up for September
Talking Balls has asked our readers before to get behind the mothership that is Squareball - after all if there was no Squareball - there’d be no Talking Balls! If you want to avail of a real retail experience and touch up our lovely gear in person before buying it, why not visit one of our stockists. Otherwise visit us online - you know you’re always welcome.
Just to remind you, new stockists include Quills in Cork and Kerry; EJ Menswear in Sligo - the stuff has been flyin off the shelves there; and not to be outdone we are fashion missionaries to South Derry - Squareball is on sale in Tommie McGrath Menswear on Main Street Maghera, sir!
For full details: http://www.Squareball.com/shop/help.php?section=stockists
O’Leary No Sweat
Hours after appearing in the Sunday Tribune looking like an extra from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Cork’s hardman half back Noel O’Leary delivered a telling blow to Graham Geraghty’s jaw and Meath’s Championship hopes. For most mortals, administering such a decisive dig in the jaw would have resulted in an early bath. Not so for the boul Noel. Ref Brian Crowe decided that hitting Geraghty only merited a yellow card, a view he repeated when sent a clip of the punch by the Central Competition Controls Committee (CCCC).
Under new guidelines, the Central Competition Controls Committee (CCCC) are entitled to review controversial incidents and contact referees to determine if they were satisfied with how they dealt with them.
If Ref Crowe had changed his mind, tough guy O’Leary would have missed the All Ireland because he has previous - he kicked popular Kerry player Paul Galvin in the Munster Final and saw red.
Geraghty had no complaints really - well he couldn’t after dishing out similar treatment earlier in the summer. Despite his hard ass reputation Geraghty looks positively cherubic next to O’Leary whose unfeasibly sturdy sideburns add to his air of hick menace - a bit like Tom in Fr Ted. Noel was understandably elated at the news he got off scot free: ‘It’s mighty, I’m delighted with it. I had a fear this could roll on into next week, which wouldn’t have been ideal preparation, so it’s mighty to have the news. We have three and a half weeks free now to prepare for the All-Ireland final.’
Mighty.
Fixtures Ard Fheis Planned
The PTB have called a special ard fheis to discuss streamlining club and county activity. Presumably they are trying to avoid the situation where any team that gets the remotest whiff of championship success promptly cancels club fixtures until the new year.
Talking Balls experience is that it is virtually impossible for players and managers to make any plans for their lives outside gaelic and athletic because the CC basically don’t seem to think anyone has a life outside gaelic and athletic. So fixtures? Thick and fast they come at last and more, and more and more.
One casualty seems to be the nine county top tier for hurling in the league as well as the plan to give Munster and Leinster champions a place in the All Ireland semi finals. Waterford would have liked that we think! It also seems to rule out the plans of Antrim’s media obsessed chairman John McSparran who called for two six team top tier divisions (one to include Antrim of course) that would play five matches home and away. In a tremendously prolix piece of thinking the statement from Antrim states: ‘In last year’s National League, Antrim had only 2 home matches, the year before they had 3. 5 home matches in 2 years in the National League do nothing for promoting hurling in Antrim, never mind Ulster.’ (Talking Balls link: www.hoganstand.com/Antrim/ArticleForm.aspx?ID=82280)
Firstly, while we appreciate the point he is trying to make, how do you play 0.5 of a hurling match? I suppose with Dr McSparran anything is possible. Secondly, Antrim playing more league matches isn’t going to promote hurling in Ulster, nor for that matter is other counties playing more league matches. The Ulster Council has developed an excellent club competition to promote hurling - the Ulster League - that has thrown up a series of tasty matches and new rivalries - yet it is under threat because the County Committees in places like Derry quite simply ignore it. The fixtures for the Ulster League are impossible to accommodate with other fixtures. More national league games will increase the problem. Do Antrim players need another five matches with all the attendant pressures on players? Paraic Duffy has a hell of a job on his hands. But in Ulster, promotion of hurling isn’t just about Antrim.
Bitch Slap for the Media
Talking Balls occasionally takes a sideways glance at other foreign sports, as regular readers will know. Indeed there is nothing like a bit of riding now and then to concentrate the mind.
This week proved no less interesting as top female jockey Jessica Kuerten shocked the horsey set by describing the Irish media as ‘a pack of assholes.’
This is not the sort of language we expect from the horsey set and nor do they judging by the reaction of the Irish Equestrian people.
Meanwhile at her house, husband Eckardt Kuerten said: “My wife is not communicating with anybody from Ireland. She is not interested in speaking to any Irish newspapers.”
Just as well he’s German then really.
Ladies Footballers Box Clever
TG4 and the lovely ladies football people are really putting it up to the camogs following news that the popular Irish language station is to screen both senior semi-finals and - in a further twist of the knife - both intermediate semi finals.
First up Cork and Laois in Portlaoise followed by IFC semi-final between Tipperary and Wexford. The week after they will show Mayo and Tyrone at Breffni Park, also featured is the second intermediate semi-final between Clare and Leitrim.
Compare this for example with the recently played Junior Camogie semi final, featuring Antrim and Derry, played at the supporter and media friendly time of 7.00pm on a Sunday evening in Dunloy.
Media analyst Lisa Medanayt said: ‘There is a tremendous opportunity for the camogie people to improve their marketing and media coverage. It is an excellent product with great potential for television coverage on the likes of Setanta or TG4, even if RTE aren’t interested. What the camogie people need to do is sit down with someone that knows the sector and talk turkey. Is anyone seriously trying to tell me for example that the Cork camogs are any less of a team than their ladies football team.’
Well said Lisa, couldn’t have said it better ourselves.
Limerick to Repeat Munster Big Screen Moment?
The PTB in Limerick have announced that the All Ireland Final will be beamed live onto a massive screen to be erected in Limerick City Centre. Europe’s biggest screen will show the match live to those in the city that can’t get tickets.
Fans of oval balls will recall the unprecedented scenes in Limerick during the Munster v Biarritz Heineken Cup Final. The scenes of 70,000 fans in Main Street Limerick were shown live on the big screen in The Millennium Stadium in Cardiff - in turn driving the Munster players on to victory and more Munster madness and attracting criticism in equal part from the vanquished Biarritz.
Limerick city could do with a boost following press coverage of a spoof Bord Failte ad on youtube that presents the City as a crime ridden, piebald pony infested den of iniquity rather than the sporting capital of the South West. This on the back of Aer Fungus’s decision to pull out of Shannon and head up the road to the Nort.
The big screen appears thanks to Limerick City Council, Limerick County Council, Shannon Development and the Limerick GAA County Board. City mayor Ger Fahy said: ‘Limerick remains synonymous with sporting endeavours and the entire city and county are rallying behind our hurlers. A large number of passionate supporters, especially families, cannot get tickets to the game so we decided to bring the thrills of Croke Park to the streets of Limerick by erecting the big screen.”
Limerick County Council chairman Cllr Kevin Sheahan said: ‘The team has captured the imagination of the sporting public with their determination, spirit and never-say-die approach which has restored a sense of pride in Limerick hurling. I have no doubt the team will do us proud on the day and bring back the elusive All-Ireland hurling crown.”
Limerick players hurlers Mark Foley, Brian Murray, Michael Fitzgerald and Pat Tobin along with Limerick Co Board chairman Denis Holmes attended the big screen launch. Mark Foley said: “It is a great boost for the team to know that people who cannot get to the game will be able to see it on the streets of Limerick and will be hopefully cheering us to victory.”
Note for anyone thinking of watching the match in Limerick that day: no alcoholic drinks will be allowed. Hopefully a Limerick victory will be an intoxicating enough brew…
Golden Years Base Metal
Ger reflects on Meath and Cork - for once he was wrong. He casts a dispassionate and dismissive eye over the glory years and expresses his dislike for Puke presenter Pat Spillane.
I had a quiet enough week there now, after all the shenanigans over the last few weekends with the football and hurlin on in Croke Park - jaze I was up and down that road. I thought the wife was goin’ te kill me for bein’ away so much and betimes she’d have a list of things to do the length of yer arm. Not this time - I think maybe she’s happy enough to get me out of the house.
I called in to Newry to watch Derry and the Dubs playin hurlin’ - I knew a fella from Dublin once blocked a sliotar with his forehead and had the mark of the ball on his head for a fortnight afterwards. He looked like that fella in the Guinness Ad. My opinion now of Derry hurlin’ wouldn’t be great but I’ll tell ye straight now, they did well and they put it up to them Dubs in the second half. The Dubs were great to watch now in the first half - they were full of them big f***in DJ Carey handpasses he learned of yer man Ducksie Walsh in the handball alley. I was trying to explain to our camogs that for added power they should use the whole forearm rather than just the wrist. Well the sniggerin’ and goin’ on I had to listen to. One wide the Dubs hit in the first half - ye’d a thought they had them lasers on their hurls the way them balls was flyin over. The first touch was unreal - time and again they killed the balls stone dead in the air and to be fair now Derry did fierce well to be in touch at half time. Dublin were a big strong team full of pace with the skills to go with it. And their supporters weren’t the usual gobshites that people think ye get at Dublin games - fair f***s te them.
The other thing I have to say is I arrived a bit early at Newry with new bypasses and parking and whatnot. There was a match on that I only found out after a while was the police against the Post Office Workers. I know boys that loved playin’ rugby in the north and in the south cos it gave you a chance every so often to get a slap at an oul peeler and it legitimate. I have to say now, I wasn’t that sure about these fellas playing football or hurlin’ but I suppose Nickey Brennan and them lads tells us we have to move on. One things for sure - they could do with a bit of coachin’ - I dunno what the score was but it wasn’t good.
Anyway, the reason I was goin’ to Dublin was to watch Cork and Meath. I thought Meath would bate Cork handy enough to be honest with ye now, but I was wrong and there’s not often that happens. The Cork midfielders Kavanagh and Murphy - jaze they cleaned out the Meath men big style. I suppose Bray and the boys thought they’d have her handy enough with Meath winnin ball in midfield after Tyrone but sure against Tyrone they might as well been markin’ our cat for all the damage they faced. Bray too wasn’t good - big Canty had the hex on him - he played none. Billy Morgan pulled an oul rabbit out of the hat too pulling big Cussen up the pitch - he won some ball too and he’s not justa big long string of piss either. He left plenty room inside for them boys O Connor and Goulding. The fella McMahon was chancy enough now with his goal - twas a bit of an oul spinner as me uncle Michael used to call them when a man got a hand on it - in them days though ye needed some hand to spin a big brown ball tho’. For all the chat about the Cork full forward line bein’ shite and Meath’s bein’ great it turned the opposite and I was certain Meath would cause big problems. Just shows ye what a bit of space can do. If Masters can get his jaw fixed by hook or by crook there’s be great competition now for the final.
I was wonderin’ mesel at the match why Geraghty had a quiet match - fellas were saying he got hit and I couldn’t believe that. I like Geraghty now, he’s a cheeky hateful hoor but that’s what ye need. We had a fella once - also called Graham funnily enough - he used to stand on boys ankles when they were waitin the ball to come in, he’d grab handfuls of hair and not up top if you get my drift. The chat out of him would have soured milk - he was the most offensive bollix I ever met. Wile smell of him too - he made a point of not washin the week before big games and he would go out and work round the farm and maybe get an oul bit of fox dung or something the dog had rolled in to make the whole thing worse. Got so bad for the championship one time we had to get him to change out in the car - when he came in the whang was f***in rank altogether. We’d this dainty cub that was playin corner forward hittin frees and the like and he puked his ring up in the changin’ room before we went out it got so bad. The ladies loved the look of this fella, all glistenin’ legs, blondie hair bit of oul stubble, fair looking oul package too from far off - wore shorts that was too tight in reality - but ye see soon as they got near him? Anyway, Geraghty reminds me a bit of yer man - both of them ye’d like them on yer team cos they put the opposition off mentally and physically. That Geraghty man throws more punches than Barry McGuigan - he beats Dubs, his own teammates - you name it. I was wonderin then why he was so quiet and it was only that night that I saw on the telly - that O’Leary fella that looks like a f***in looper nailed him. How that boyo stayed on the pitch bates me - and then when he was subbed him and Billy Morgan high fivin’ like two basketballers in the ghetto.
So Cork’s through now. I’m not lookin forward much to this weekend. I toul ye before I don’t like the nasty side of the Dubs supporters and the ticket I have is back in the box again with them ones I fell out with. Unlike all these reporters writin’ books and articles about Kerry and Dublin down the years, I don’t wear rosy tinted glasses. Truth be told them matches were a bag of shite compared to what was about now - my young fella thinks they were great - he was rared on them. Kevin Moran hoorin’ up the pitch; Sean Doc burstin all round him on the way out with the ball. Paidi Se runnin about like a f*** escaped chimp. Everyone chats about Mikey Sheehy and that goal - I reckon Sheehy did that once and would never have done it again if he’d tried. He was like a God to youngsters then tho’. The other rule that was shite was the handpassin - them boys runnin about and throwin’ the ball into the goals - sure it was like that handball them Europeans play.
As for that opinionated, big jawed, shite talkin’ bogdaw of a bollix Pat Spillane? Well, he’s the memory of a f***in goldfish. Puke football he talks about? I’m no fan of Tyrone but thon fella sees what he wants and forgets the rest. He welcomed back the kick there a few weeks ago - I now what kick he’d welcome. Again’ Tyrone in ‘86 I froze the tape on the machine plenty of times and there’s twelve Kerrymen inside their own 45 including Spillane inside his own 21 and him running out with the knees flyin up in the air as if he had a bit of dog shite stuck on his boot. He could kick points to be fair but RTE should reminder that hoor - he’s well past his sell-by date to me. I was talking to some of them Kerry fellas and none of them can stand Spillane because of his big mouth. Ogie Moran won’t speak to him at all. He’ll be full of piss and wind on Sunday if Kerry win - the saviours of football thanks be to jaze! If the Dubs win tho’ I expect he’ll enjoy just as much slaggin the hole of the Kerry team. Either way, if they ever invite me onto that panel - and I swear this to ye now and they’ll be showin it on Clive James on television, It’ll be alright on the night and all them other shows - I will give Spillane the almightiest sorest boot in his hole live on television that was ever seen. I can just see the big rosie cheeks when the hobnailer lands square on his arse. And the other boy that’s goin’ to get a slap is that Antony Davis lad. Is there no-one else in Cork can talk about football other than that boy?
Truth be told now, I don’t have a pile of time for the Dubs either but I made a pact with mesel not to be slaggin them off again because to be fair - I like them Brogans and Sherlock - they were better against Derry than I thought so I’m givin’ them a chance. The match-up to watch is in midfield - O Se again’ Whelan. I reckon O Se will shade that just about but that’ll be where the game can be won or lost. That and the Kerry full-forward line - I think the Dubs defence is leaky and looked suspect again’ Derry. If Kerry’s in touch in the last five - and I mean if they’re not already winning - then I think they’ll be playin’ Cork. Somehow I can’t see the Dubs holding them back - and if they do they might win the whole thing and then we’ll have to listen to that. But sure it couldn’t be as bad as listenin’ to Spillane.
While I’m in Dublin I’m goin’ to see the Dan Shanahan hologram - him and Joe Deane’s in some fancy oul play in Grafton street. Never knew them boys could act but sure it’ll keep me out of the bar for a while!