Talking Balls Issue 19 - Well Informed Ignorance
Talking BallsThis week, brief and to the point. We hope Meath win the All Ireland - after all Graham Geraghty is a misunderstood young(ish) man and he deserves redemption.
Davy Fitz’s exile could be over as Tony Considine sleeps with the fishes after being shafted by the mafia in the Clare Co board - yet to tell him he is no longer a made guy.
We take a look at ladies football and camogie - things are hotting up on the tottie front so we will have to sit up straight and pay attention. Chicks with sticks and girls with balls. Next you know there will be wild animals on the loose in Tyrone as well as in the Kingdom.
Derry minnows take on Dublin in the U-21 All Ireland semi-final. Can they do it? Yes they can.
We hail Roy Keane and his comments on WAGS not that it pleases our own and we review the shameful broadcasting performance of the BBC - cos our games aren’t good enough and by the way no-one’s interested in them. Meanwhile, Banty wrestles with the words to describe how he feels.
If you notice a snake in your trousers, you must be living in Omagh - set it free. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.
The Shaft of the Banner
Shafted Clare manager Tony Considine, who - in case you haven’t noticed - wears the most fashionable glasses in the gaelic and athletic sorority, has hit out at the County Board who shafted him the other night in the manner of Peter Cushing dispatching Christopher Lee’s Dracula - in the time honoured fashion of course - with a stake through the heart of Clare hurling.
Obviously pissed off Considine revealed on the wireless that the Clare Board hadn’t yet notified him of the decision.
“This was a thing that was set up completely. This was kangaroo court style stuff. They had the people to do the execution and if they didn’t do it they would have been probably executed themselves.”
Obviously there are some lengths to which a manager will not stoop - Considine revealed that one route to survival was to ‘bow and kneel down’ and advised his would be successor to ‘mind your back’. He also called the county board mafia but more of that next week.
“I’m not the only one that this has happened to in Clare. There was a management team there before the previous management that happened as well. What has gone on in Clare has been absolutely ridiculous. It is time for other people to look at themselves and get out of their positions. I had a load of lads that wanted to play for me. To me players are players. It doesn’t matter who they are. I never put one player over another. Every player is the same to me. They all have to do the business that is there. Every manager goes out to do his best, the same as every player goes out to do his best. This is more than hurling.”
Showing a welcome sense of reality, he added: ‘Life goes on and I’ll go on and more than likely get involved in hurling again at some stage. Hurling is a bigger than any of us. We didn’t invent it, it was something which was handed down to us and we will hand down again and hopefully hand it down right.’
Any odds then that Considine resurfaces a bit further north with his old mate and golfing partner Ger Loughnane as they reprise the magic they created with Clare in the nineties.
Oaks Clash Ash with Dubs
Unlikely Ulster U-21 hurling champions face the might of Dublin in the All Ireland semifinal in Saturday evening. The prize for the Oak leafers - a date in Croke Park on the same day as their camogie team. One of the great things about a success like this is the payback for some of the good guys involved. Brian McGilligan has been a legend in Derry for a long time on the back of his heroics in football including the ‘93 All Ireland success but he is a hurling man through and through. Aided and abetted by Sean Roe McCloskey these two decent skins stand on the edge of an appearance in an All Ireland Final.
Sean Roe didn’t miss too many points ahead of their date with destiny in Parc Esler in Newry on Saturday at 6.00pm.
‘Apart from ourselves, no one gave us a chance of beating Antrim in the Ulster final. They had done very well at minor level over the last two years, running Limerick and Galway very close, and they were the fancied side. However we felt that if we didn’t concede any goals early in the game, we were in with a chance, and that’s how it worked out. Antrim managed to get one very late in the game but we had the bit between our teeth and were not going to be beaten.’
‘It was a massive fillip for the game in a county where hurling is well down the pecking order. Dual involvement hasn’t helped, with players opting for the big ball game over the small ball. For instance Mark Lynch who played with the county seniors last Sunday against Dublin, is a very good hurler and would be on our team if he gave the commitment. We had very little preparatory work done going into the Ulster final, and only that 12 of the squad were in training with the senior hurlers, we could have been in serious trouble. The senior training was a godsend, and it showed in the way we played in that final.
‘Since then we’ve had to go our own way and with club championship matches impinging on our training, it has not been easy getting ready for this game against Dublin. Three players were involved on Monday night with their clubs and that is not the way for a county team to prepare for an All-Ireland semi-final.’
‘We’ll have no fear of Dublin, even though they looked very good in seeing off Offaly in the Leinster final. They’ll be clear favourites but if, like in the Ulster final, we don’t concede any early goals, we’ll be in with a great chance.’
‘There is a lot of work being done on the ground for the game in Derry. We’ll go into the game confident we can get a result. Dublin may, like Waterford did last Sunday against Limerick, underestimate us. If they do it could be very costly for them.’
No disrespect to Dublin hurling, but Derry needs it more than they do. Whether they can earn it or not is another matter.
Four Riders of the Armagh Eclypse
Sources in apple country reveal that there are four contenders for the large manager’s seat left vacant by Joe Kernan.
The four are Paul Grimley, latterly of Cavan backroom fame; John Rafferty, Big Joe’s right hand man this year - famous for telling the St Gall’s men to get up off their knees in an All Ireland Club semi final dressing room; U-21 manger Peter McDonnell and former Cross manager Michael McConville.
The four have been interviewed and will have the onerous job of ensuring that the Orchard men aren’t eclipsed over the next couple of years by the resurgent men from Monaghan and Derry.
The new man is expected to be announced later this month or in early September.
Talking Balls is tipping Rafferty for no other reason than his ‘tackle don’t foul’ mantra is one of the most eloquent statements made in recent times by a gaelic and athletic manager and most effective.
Cooper the Snake
News has reached our plush Omagh bureau of a ten foot boa constrictor on the loose in the town. Our big gay office boy thought it was a big feather boa and got himself all hot and bothered but he’s like that.
The boa, called Cooper, apparently worked its way out of a tight corner on the Dublin Road and is proving elusive to recapture.
Now then, slippery customer, called Cooper cutting itself loose in the Dublin region, wreaking havoc? Sound familiar? Indeed - surely this is an omen. These portents can only mean one thing - the Kingdom for Sam.
Incidentally, Talking Balls has also heard about a big wild hoor of a gorilla that’s escaped, last seen marauding around the place, thumping people willy nilly and getting away with it - the silliest lookin’ big grin you ever saw, he’s great at catching grapefruits too with his big oversize hands. Yes, Whelan’s the name. If you see him, approach with caution.
Pillar Kicks the Fada Out of It
Popular All Ireland winning Dublin manager Pillar Caffrey swung his big size twelve into action thereby announcing the start of the 2007 MBNA Kick Fada.
The competition takes place on Saturday, September 8th at Bray Emmets GAA Club, Bray, Co. Wicklow.
Mayo player Fintan Ruddy will be back to defend his title and to attempt to break the current All Ireland and World record of 72 metres, achieved by four time MBNA Kick Fada champion Mark Herbert from Kildare. Talking Balls knee is a-flarin’ up at the thought of the exertion required to kick a size five O’Neills 72 metres. The horror, the horror.
Football’s equivalent to the Poc Fada, the MBNA Kick Fada competition, tests the abilities of the countries best footballers to kick for distance and accuracy. It is believed that Armagh’s Paul Hearty will not be entering this year.
Suzanne Holmes, Communications Manager, MBNA Ireland said at the launch:
‘This competition is completely unique and over the past eight years has tested the skills of the country’s greatest Gaelic footballers.’
In return for plugging MBNA shamelessly Talking Balls has had the interest on its credit card cancelled for eternity. Yes, no longer will we be charged exorbitant interest on our unfeasibly large bill, brought about by an addiction to gaelic games leading to travel and stays in expensive hotels the length and breadth of Ireland during the Qualifiers. MBNA we love you.
Ladies Playing with the Big Balls
Shock and awe last weekend when Tyrone Ladies, powered by a hat-trick from full forward Gemma Begley beat rivals Armagh to make their debut in the All Ireland semi finals.
Looking smart with Strathroy Fresh Milk splashed across their shirt fronts - what a great marketing idea that was - the Tyrone team overturned their Ulster Final defeat to knock last year’s beaten All Ireland finalists out.
Meanwhile All Ireland Champions Cork face the ‘Jackies’ as the female Dubs have christened themselves.
The Rebelettes are aiming to win three consecutive Senior All Ireland titles the first county to so do, since Kerry won their ninth title in a row in 1990.
Cork star Breige Corkery said: ‘The game against Dublin is going to be fierce tough. They are a very physical side and we will have to be on top of our game to beat them. The key for us will be defending further up the pitch at the half-forward line. If we can defend from the front, hopefully we can stop them getting any rhythm going and then impose our game on them.’
In the other quarter-final of Saturday’s double header at Wexford Park, virginal lilywhites Kildare take on Laois in a reprise of the Leinster Final.Both of Saturday’s quarter-finals will be broadcast live on TG4. Talking Balls has the video set although our jury is still out on girls playing with big balls - one of our team of intrepid reporters is certain the pitch is too big for them and you know what ill fitting things do for the ladies - nothing.
Ladies Playing with Wee Balls
Wexford bate Galway 2-18 to 0-14 in Nowlan Park on Saturday 11th August to earn their place in the Gala All Ireland camogie Final. Team captain Kate Kelly led the charge with an impressive personal tally of 1-11.
In the second semi-final Cork beat old rivals Tipp 2-11 to 0-9 winners in the fourth championship meeting of the sides this year.
This weekend Waterford take on Clare in the Junior All Ireland semi - the winners going through to play Derry in Croke Park in September.
In comparison to the ladies football, which in addition to live coverage on TG4, has turned up on Setanta during the week, none of these camogie matches were broadcast live. Only for our good friends in the Sunday Game, the high level of skill exhibited and the excellent point taking would be left to our over active and highly fertile imagination. Imagining things about camogs however is bad for most people especially now they have taken to wearing those skort yokes we have mentioned before.
Maybe next year there will be parity of esteem for the chicks with sticks - no matter what way you stack it up - girls playing with small balls is more attractive than girls playing with big balls. To us anyway.
Banty Breakdown
Monaghan manager emptied the cliché tank on Sunday after their unfortunate but somehow inevitable defeat by Kerry. Describing himself as ‘gutted,’ he said the lads had ‘emptied the tank’ - the outcome felt as if someone had ‘ripped his heart out and showed it to him still beatin’,’ or words to that effect. Leaving nothing on the pitch, the Monaghan gave their all, but that ultimately wasn’t enough.
Talking Balls understands that such visceral language has brought Banty to the attention of legendary film producer Quentin Tarantino, who is believed to have stumbled upon Banty’s colourful description of his fate whilst researching a film about Ireland. It is understood the film will now include a sequence where Mr White and Blue plays Mr Green and Gold in a winner takes all game of hard to understand rules with a villainous referee - ending at the last possible minute in a brutal orgy of violence and passion as Mr Green and Gold tears open Mr White and Blue’s chest cavity to rip his heart away from the surrounding viscera and shove it in Mr White and Blue’s face.
Meanwhile, showing none of the eloquence of fellow Monaghan man Patrick Kavanagh, John Connolly Monaghan Chairman picked up the theme: ‘Seamus is gutted. He takes it that way. He’s a passionate man, but he will pick up the pieces.’
‘Take another little piece of my heart now baby,’ cried the unfortunate Banty. ‘I am absolutely gutted,”
Meanwhile, speaking about McEneaney some forty or fifty years ago, Patrick Kavanagh said:
He was an ordinary man, a man full of humour
Born for no high sacrifice, to be no marble god;
But all the gods had failed that harvest and someone spread the rumour
That he might be deluded into taking on the job
And they came to him in the spring
And said: you are our poet-king.
Banty thought Monaghan were full prepared for the job in hand and had every chance of beating the Kingdom: ‘We came here really well prepared for the game. I felt leaving Carrickmacross this morning there was no team ever left Monaghan as ready as this team was. Very focused, very calm, tunnel vision for the job in hand. We threw everything at Kerry and just fell short in the last few minutes.’
He added: ‘I saw the danger, yet I walked along the enchanted way, and I said to the lads afterwards, let grief be a falling leaf at the dawning of the day.’
RTE and Setanta - Heroes of Old Ireland: BBC - Wasters
With RTE gaining the plaudits for their wall-to-wall coverage of matters gaelic and athletic in recent weeks including the unprecedented steps of simultaneous match coverage on RTE 1 and RTE 2, followed by two triple headers not to mention full Technicolor radio coverage on every band possible courtesy of Jimmy Magee and Michael o Muircheartaigh and co, as well as innovative online coverage… (breathless pause…)
Meanwhile… relative newcomers Setanta have come to the rescue of the diaspora with a similar feast of games not to mention a delectable menu of midweek repeats for Satellite viewers on the Emerald Isle. So much so that Talking Balls has been sitting on our collective hole in our busy office, clocking up hour upon hour of highly lucrative overtime watching such delights as ladies football with commentary in English - not much good knowing their names as gaeilge if you meet them out on the lash - full coverage of minor championship matches and - the cream on the pudding and the icing on the cake - full-on explicit repeats of the hurling classics from the summer of 07. And it pissin’ rain outside, sure what else would you be at? Even you were at home, the wife, or girlfriend or indeed boyfriend/partner (ahem) couldn’t be chasing you out the door to cut the grass or paint the window frames. A life on an office sofa bought on the drip from a discount furniture store near you.
And what of the British Broadcasting Corporation - what have they to offer licence holders - the armchair gaelic and athletic personage with his well padded derriere and finger flicking remote control hand? SFA - no not Scottish football and the sad to-ings and fro-ings of Rangers and Celtic against inept, hapless outfits from the outer reaches of Scots life - no nothing. The Championship was axed due to poor audience figures - this from the organisation that brought us live coverage of the Twelfth of July Celebrations? We’re not being controversial but surely anyone who wanted to watch the march would have been at it rather than watching live coverage on the telly? It’s not as if there is a restriction on crowd numbers is there?
Ulster Runai Danny Murphy gave the Beeb a good bootin’ pointing out that these games are popular but sure what do the Beeb know. This the organization that employs Stephen Nolan. The only upside is that we are spared a load of McHughtery but we do miss professional Armagh man Jarlath Burns and his Tyrone sidekick Jerome Quinn. The lads gave Squareball a great plug too and thanks for that but the Beeb had the temerity to swing the axe when there were still three Ulster teams in the senior Championship and Antrim were going for the Tommy Cooper.
As the office WAG pointed out, maybe if more of you gaelic and athletic boys actually paid their licence fees there might be more on her box.
Keano -Retail Guru
Speaking of the Office WAG, in a rage she tore soccer star Roy Keane’s poster off the wall above her flat screen computer the other day. It’s the only flat thing round her desk we might add but that would be unfair and sexist.
In case you’ve missed it, Keano, Cork’s least controversial son and most working class hero, took a pop at the soccer players that didn’t want to move to Sunderland because the WAG wanted to go shopping. In a thinly veiled endorsement of Squareball and Talking Balls Keano revealed that good shoppin’ wouldn’t make him move anywhere - not even Turin or Milan. Obviously not if he’s moved to Sunderland. No, Keano would rather stay at home, walk Triggs and, presumably, shop online - which is where Squareball comes into it.
After this ringing endorsement of those who don’t leave the house to shop, Talking Balls can exclusively reveal that we are sending our new retail guru a complimentary Squareball tee shirt. What tee shirt will we send Keano?
Well, the tee-shirt with the most votes in our online poll will be sent off to the Stadium of Light with our compliments so let us know what you think. Vote early and often.
Will Keano get:
(a) Birds are Better at Football (he’ll give that one to the wife obviously)
(b) Hendrix was a Hurler (he’s from Cork didn’t you know?)
(c) Take Your Points and the Goals Will Come (a good slogan to keep afloat in the Premiership)
We will also be sending him a Club and County red hoodie to mark the red passions in his life - Cork, Man Utd, Sunderland and Mist.
A Good Sausage is a Very Fine Thing
Last weekend Ger spent his time watching the football and hurling from the comfort of the corporate sector in Croker. Prawn sandwich or musseled out of it? Read all about it.
I had some craic last week in Croker - the whole thing started out great guns. I was down grand an early - the cousin’s young fella was playin for Derry in the minor match so there I was standin at the oul box like a f***in bloodhound with me tongue hangin’ out. I had the worst drouth on me from atin’ salty oul rashers in one of them fancy B&Bs up the Drumcondra road. Jaze I don’t know why people in this country don’t have dacent sausages when they’re makin’ the oul fry. The things this doll served up to me looked like a whippet’s boyo - long, thin and mean with the skin bursted at the end. The eggs was fried to a crisp and the black puddin was like a f***in ice hockey poc it was that hard. There was an oul lad with me from Tourmakeady - I couldn’t understand a word he said and I’ve a bit of the oul gaelic but this fella had to take his teeth out and leave them on the side of his plate after doing the rounds with the black puddin’. Next thing the wee Polish doll servin’ us came in and cleared the whole job into a yella basin. You wanta hear the roars of yer man, and sure even she could speak gaelic she wudn’t understood an him with no teeth. At that point we left, the Bean a Ti was a sour oul’ bitch, looked a bit like Margaret Thatcher, ceptin Thatcher was better lookin in her day. Sure’s thing this oul wan - and she wasn’t a Dub hersel - had had enough of drunk fans. There was a pile of boys in the week before from Tyrone and I think one of them was up half the nite tryin to coort the wee Pole. No chance.
Anyway, when the oul corporate box was opened up, the fella took one look at me and asked me did I want some Gin. Now I’ll tell ye, drinkin’ that stuff before noon is the stuff of alcos - even Winston Churchill only drank champagne in the morning so I stuck to an oul pint of stout. Things were goin’ grand - the Derry lads won their game tho’ it wasn’t handy. The wee lad Mullan kicked a great oul score off his left to win her and I suppose it was all they deserved after that oul blind umpire shafted them in Clones.
The stout was slippin’ down nicely durin’ the hurlin’ too so when the Dubs came out to play Derry I was in grand oul tune. I thought now if Derry could get about fifteen or sixteen scores agin the Dubs they could win but what surprised me was the way the Dub forward set about the Derry backline. To me McGuckian always looked under that wee bit of pressure, and Lockhart too. Pace, like bein’ good lookin’ ye can’t buy. Derry brought that fella Bradley on and I thought now, to be honest with ye, he was cat. He never passed the ball once as far as I could see. For the two goal chances the first time sure he booted the ball straight where the keeper could get it and the second one he didn’t move his feet. All this chat about Cluxton the great keeper - me hole - he didn’t even have to move to save the shot. Paddy Crozier shoulda bit the bullet and hauled Bradley off again - I would and I woulda said no harm son but ye’re not at Championship pace. Whatever he’s been at, ye need matches and ye need to be sharp. We saw it with Mulligan and he’s been playin all summer. These fellas don’t do it on purpose but if you’re there, and I’m f***in sick, sore and tired telling fellas this - ye have to make a difference. That means making something happen. What happened on Saturday? Nahin.
The game was great now - the referee was shite, tho’ Derry got no scorable frees in the first half? Come on now Mangan - who ye kiddin’ there? I’m not really from Ulster mesel and there’s many the hoor up there I despise but there’s some decent people too and they deserve their frees like the next man. Anyway, things was goin’ great, the stout was flowing - I dunno what yer man Keane thinks about prawn sandwiches but they were mingin’ but the next thing the Dubs start booing a Derry free. Now there’s nothing sticks in my craw more than hoors that know nahin about anything booin at matches - most of them supporters only come in cos there’s no soccer in, I’m sure of that tho there’s many’s a dacent oul’ Dub knows his football and maybe his hurlin’ too. Well this lad in front of me had a young fella of about five or six - same age as the grandson - and he starts up the booin’ and hissin like that oul snake I hear’s on the tear up in Omagh. I toul yer man, ‘shut yer mouth with yer booin ye hoor ye or I’ll boot ye in the hole.’ Next thing the boy tells me to ‘eff away off back up to the North.’ Well I don’t like gobshitery and I don’t like fellas with no manners and all the things I don’t like mixed in with a few pints of stout that I do like - well before I knew I had yer man by the scruff of the neck over the railing an him danglin’ ‘don’t talk to me like that ye bollix ye’ sez I.’ Well that ended the booing, good night Irene and end of story. Next thing, the boy in charge comes tearin’ over and funny enough he took exception to yer man rather than me and had him removed for a while. Turned out I’d managed the fella at an oul University team somewhere years back.
The whole thing put a bit of a dampener on the trip for a while, but that night we moved on to a fancy oul hotel in the City somewhere. I had a few oul stout so it didn’t matter much to me where we stayed. We ended up in an oul club somewhere drinkin stuff that smelt like it was brewed in the sheugh of a donkey’s hole with a load of young ones runnin about and them half bare. I’ll tell ye if I’d'a been forty years younger there’d a been some sport.
Next day, back up to Croker, no drouth - I had a continental breakfast no less and some fruit. Very f***in European alright. Saturday was for the craic but Sunday was some sport now I’ll tell ye. Me oul mate Richie Bennis, now he’s done some turnaround with Limerick. I remember goin’ on a siege of Limerick with him once a year or two ago and he toul me in green and white what needed done with Limerick hurlin’. He reckoned that them boys that play rugby could be a great asset if they got off their holes and supported the hurlers- ‘Limerick people love sport - luckit JP,’ Well. Y’know what? He was right. I sez to him, ‘if you get boys and get them fit, and get them with the right attitude and that attitude is why not me rather than some other bollix over the road, well, ye’ll be in business big style. Just look at them boys from Tyrone in 2003.’
If ever a prophesy came true it was last Sunday in Croker. Justin McCarthy’s a great fella, a great hurlin’ man and I’m sure this week he’s takin off the oul baseball cap and scratching the oul head wonderin’ what went wrong. Well, apart from playing three games in fourteen days which was a big chore - Limerick sowed it into ye Justin. The number of times I saw Limerick huntin’ in packs - puttem under pressure that big twit Charlton used to say and you know what he was right. Limerick reminded me of Tyrone against Kerry in 2003. Three, four, five men hassling the man on the ball. Limerick won ball high up and low down and they were game for anything and everything - them two things won the day. O’Shaughnessy’s first goal came direct from a block down, his point to make it 1-4 to Limerick was from the sweetest clean catch up high ye ever saw. If any camogs is reading this shite - remember, and I always tell my girls this if you can reach out and grab a ball, grab it, that’s when the craic starts. Stick in one hand, ball in the other ye can’t go wrong. For Donie Ryan’s one handed double on the ball - Limerick was hunting in packs - the Waterford men was put under pressure in the full back line - what happened? They coughed up the sliotar, handpass and wham bam in the net by Donie.
Mullane and Flynn? Quiet games both them and the next thing they’re pulled off. I would say now that gave the Limerick fellas a brave lift - seeing them two boys go. Especially when Waterford got a free in Flynn territory. What else? Well big Dan the man had the shirt ripped and maybe even the trunks tore off him and it wasn’t a young one from up round Castledawson I met that fancies him that done it although by the chat of her in the bar I’d say she’d be a suspect any other time. No, Dan, like Mulligan the week before had a bad day goal wise. He’d'a traded all the days for just one chance, just one chance in Croker in early September I’d say - but Big Dan will be back, bigger, badder and better for it. As for O’Shaughnessy, what can ye say about the penalty. He’s in the army that lad is and when the orders came through to fire into the bottom corner that’s just what he did.
My only worry is that Limerick won’t have the firepower against the Cats but then I’m loath to say anything in case I fall out with Richie. Maybe Limerick’s pressure will work. Hope so. I’ll be watchin’ from the cheapseats - them oul Corporate boxes is grand but when the drink’s in the wits out and you never met a bigger shower of bollixes at a match than you do up there. Ye could be flat out kicking boys in the hole all day - ye’d never be done but then ye’d never get to see the match either.
I’m kinda half thinkin’ of going to that rugby world cup if I can get away. Next thing I hear, yer man O’Driscoll gets plugged by some French fella and has a busted cheekbone and is gonna miss a game. Why Ireland played a game against a team with a pile of Frenchmen and Argentineans a week before they play them countries in the competition is beyond me. Kinda accident waitin’ to happen and that O’Driscoll’s an unfortunate bein’ at the best of times. Serves him right for playin’ foreign games I reckon and you know what? I’m right.