Talking Balls Issue 18 - Well Informed Ignorance
Talking BallsThis week in Talking Balls we look back over weekend of excitement. For some of our readers it will be a case of what might have been, for others a case of whatever they can get their hands on as they celebrate an unlikely victory. Hands up Meath and Wicklow.We reflect on the running sore of sectarianism hitting the headlines in Fermanagh but symptomatic of problems everywhere - is anything likely to be done?
As Babs heads for sunnier climes will Nicky English - much loved in Clare - take the reins at the Horse and Jockey or will John Leahy get the nod. As foot and mouth threatens farmers across the Irish sea, we look at events in 2001 and hope that the association
sees sense this time.
Big Dan’s the man as it’s back to the clubs for Donal Óg and co. Sorry to see ye go lads but hopefully the Cork championship will throw up a few good yarns. Meanwhile James Masters misses the rest of the season with a busted jaw but will he be seen on a sideline near you as a water boy?
Coker’s pitch earns rave reviews, sticking it out like never before. All we need is a U2 concert to really test its mettle.
This weekend as Monaghan and Derry prepare to topple Kerry and the Dubs we wonder can it really be? Will Meath pull ahead to land their eighth All Ireland, requiring another star on the back of their shirts. Time will tell.
This week Talking Balls comes to you courtesy of the Balmore Sports Bar in Drumnadrochit, Scotland, proud sponsors of the Glen Urquhart Shinty team, and therefore almost a gaelic and athletic establishment.
If you suffer from crushing disappointment, you must be from Antrim. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.
Foot in Mouth No Threat as Masters is Bate
Ace Cork attacker - well OK then, Rebel corner forward James Masters - has tempted fate by predicted that the lacklustre Cork football team can win without him. His foot in mouth comment comes on the back of news of a broken jaw sustained in Saturday’s yawnfest at Croker. Initial reports suggest he had in fact cracked his mandible yawning, such was the puerile nature of the match, but he had in fact sustained a crack on the jaw. In a rare comic turn he has however offered to reprise Adam Sandler’s eponymous role as the Waterboy. There’ll likely be a few more bangs on the ear as the Rebels renew their rivalry with Meath, last seen in its heyday in the l’eighties and early nineties.
Master’s revealed: “I did ask the doctors about playing but they said there is no way I’ll be able to have any contact for a while. I don’t care whether I am playing or not. I just hope we can do it for the players and for Billy,” he said.
Meanwhile the Royals were at pains to talk up the threat from Cork. Talking Balls just can’t see it is ourselves having watched both games but what do we know. Head down and drive her on former Meath player Tommy Dowd reckons Cork will present a stronger physical challenge than the Tyrone dwarves did at the weekend. In a typical throwback comment to the days when Tyrone were constantly slated for their lack of physical threat, Dowd rather patronizingly added: ‘We’ll be up against a big, strong physical Cork team. They didn’t play particularly well against Sligo, but they just played as well as they had to. They’ll be ready for us, there is no doubt about that. We saw the first half of their game on Saturday and we felt they were only in second gear.
‘You couldn’t ask for any more from the team the way they played against Tyrone. I suppose that’s the way Colm Coyle played himself - hard, tough and fair. You try and instill that into the players and a never-say-die attitude. We kept going to the very end and while we were rocked a couple of time with goals, we finished out strongly again. I felt we could have won by more.’
Yes that’s Meath of old - hard, tough and fair led by the gnomic Sean Boylan, not, not we repeat, dirty, cynical cheats.
Foot and Mouth No Threat
After the unnecessary over-reaction in 2001, which we might add cost Tyrone a National League title and saw unprecedented victimization of people from the loughshore, Croker chief of disease control Peter McKenna said the GAA would be monitoring the situation very closely and would follow any guidelines laid down by the special task force which has been set up by the Minister for Agriculture Mary Coughlan in recent days. Mary was believed also to be recording a track about the disastrous outbreak in ‘01 for the annals of Irish Folk Music. Beards and wooly jumpers everywhere rejoyce.
In case you forgot, 2001 saw the bizarre situation where players from the loughshore weren’t allowed to play matches after an alleged outbreak of foot and mouth in Ardboe. Loup players Johnny McBride and Paul McFlynn were spotted in the stand at Omagh watched Derry. Evidently the PTB must think the Loup lads train on fields mired in cow shite and they never clean their boots, for all the sense it made in barring them from playing - the fact they turned up to watch made a mockery of the whole affair. Likewise Omagh CBS and St Michaels absurdly had to share the McRory Cup allowing Dominic Corrigan’s men to contest the Hogan Cup.
Never one to miss a trick the boul Dom also tried to gain an Ulster U-21 football title by foot and mouth related sleight of hand at the expense of Tyrone and one Mickey Harte. Mickey was having none of it and thus began a love in between them that lasts to this day. We’ll return to Dom’s record of sportsmanship with St Michael’s another day maybe. The Poly were given a covert nod and a wink to compete in the Sigerson Final in Monaghan as the University authorities had instituted a draconian scheme to stamp out foot and mouth among a student population traveling the length and breadth of Ulster. Bizarre or what?
So what can we expect this time? Talking Balls prediction - plenty of bullshit.
No Blacks, No Poles, No Protestants - Only Irish Play Please.
Talking Balls was appalled to hear that Fermanagh ‘Protestant’ Darren Graham announce he is jacking in the gaelic and athletic because of sectarian abuse - his return is however likely following a meeting of the Fermanagh County Board. Graham walked off the field of play after being on the receiving end of abuse from so called ‘gaels’ during a club game. No great surprise here - players from Eoghan Rua in Coleraine have told Talking Balls that they have regularly been called ‘orange’ and ‘black bastards’ by ‘true gaels’ from a minority of other clubs in Derry because of the location of the club in non-gaelic and athletic heartland.
As someone once said in the past, carrying a hurley in Cork meant you were a young fella going to a hurling match whereas carrying a hurley in parts of the North meant you were a target so it is disappointing to hear that there are still so many brain dead assholes following and indeed playing our games. Will referees deal with this? We suspect not. One young lad Talking Balls knows of, whose parent is what Martin Luther King would have called a negro, was called a ‘black bastard’ in a reference to his colour - the ref’s reaction? He asked the offender to apologise and shake hands but there was no question of him producing a card. Mentors on both side were obviously embarrassed but that was it.
As the association attempts to embrace the multiculturalism in Ireland that can only help it develop, how many ‘Polish b**tards, Latvian w**kers, Nigerian n***ers, orange f***ers’ and so on must it take before we say no, enough’s enough. Trash talking has been in the news recently - this is worse. So stamp it out, where you hear it.
Meanwhile it is refreshing to hear nineties legend Jason Sherlock, himself no stranger to a bit of ethnic related abuse - known as racism in some quarters -to describe noughties rising star Mark Vaughan as ‘very black and white.’ The comment came as Jayo said Vaughan had the potential to be much better n the years to come.
Let’s hope the blondie f***er lives up to the hype…
Pundits Play Vegas
One of the distinguishing features of the summer has been the blandola hyperbola performances of the pundits on The Sunday Game. Repeatedly outshone by the colourful managers they sit in judgement over, things have gone from bad to non descript. In two minds whether to be outrageously controversial - a la the overexposed Joe Brolly - now surely in the Elvis-plays-Vegas-twilight phase of his career, his creativity and originality replaced with a pale pastiche of his former self as he bloats out playing for laughs - the RTE team shift effortlessly from the banal, to stating the obvious, to the ridiculous. The most entertaining moment in recent weeks was Anthony Daly’s laceration of Galway - and by association his old boss Ger Loughnane which was reminiscent of - funnily enough - Loughnane himself. Forensically pointing out the Tribesmen’s lack of progress in a year, we could see the glint of revenge in his eyes and - if you closed your eyes and listened carefully - there was the sound of a bunch of aggrieved Banner hurlers roaring their approval. For Talking Balls big Tohill talks the only sense if the others would shut the f**k up and let him speak. Why Tommy Lyons is there we know not. Notoriously media friendly and then phobic during his time in charge, his past record should render him obsolete.
Richie Bennis, whose own performance in accosting Babs for a fraternal hurling bear hug during his live post match tv interview was one of the highlights of the summer, has taken aim at the armchair brigade.
Says Limerick’s Richie: ‘Sure we are only a sideshow. Apparently some of the analysts on television on Sunday were talking about a Kilkenny-Waterford final, saying that it would be great. I didn’t see it myself but I was told that’s what was said. That is their opinion but there will be no problem getting our players motivated for this game.”
In a new departure, Talking Balls is contacting Limerick. We have exclusively sourced a supplier that can screenprint pundits faces onto the bas of a hurley so you can beat the crap out of your nemesis on an ongoing basis!
This is not as far fetched as you may think. One of Talking Balls associates was taking part in a careers event at an, ahem, popular and prestigious Catholic grammar school in the North. He was befriended by a plummy, and slightly camp recruiting officer for the RAF. We kid you not. How times have changed our man thought to himself as the slimy modern day Captain Farrell asked the young ladies a series of inappropriate questions. Humming Arthur McBride as subtly as he could Talking Balls‘ man’s jaw dropped when Her Majesty’s representative on earth produced from his bag a pair of sliotars with the RAF target insignia printed on it. Not a man to miss the chance to pick up a few free sliotars for training or indeed selected matches, he asked the chap how much they were. ‘I’ll give you as many as you want free,’ the chap replied cosying up. Apparently he had Elverys make them for him. The plan failed when it was voted down at the club committee meeting. ‘I don’t think that’s something we want to be supporting,’ stated the secretary in the time honoured fashion. Free balls then are OK, but you can only go so far!
Croker pitch passes toughest test over hectic weekend
GAA chiefs have declared themselves ‘more than happy’ with the way the allegedly controversial Croke Park surface held up to the weekend’s punishment. Three games on Saturday, pissing rain and then three more on Sunday.
Talking Balls was lucky enough to visit Croker on a reconnaissance mission earlier in the year when the groundsman - a grumbly English chap, you know the type - he’d suck the ink out of a biro and move onto the lead in his pencil before telling you your cistern/plumbing/central heating oil burner/timing belt (delete as appropriate) was f***ed and - with a sharply sucked intake of breath - declare ‘I couldn’t tell you how much a new one is likely to be…’ Anyway back to our yarn, he matter-of-factly declared the pitch waterlogged. Now Talking Balls is no groundsman or gardening expert - a glance at our garden recalls the mudflats of the Mississippi - but the Croker pitch was lush - a greener sward - as they say in the trade - we have never seen. But to this geezer it had too much water on board and was unplayable.
Talking Balls would love to have heard him as he prodded his toe gingerly into the ground Sunday morning. How he must have despaired. In his best Del Boy accent I can just hear him - ‘I’m finking of the money but it’s still too wet.’ as Peter McKenna implored him to remove the keep of the grass signs.
Not to miss a chance to insert himself in the debate, An Uachtarain said altho’ it wasn’t the ideal situation, the continuing pitch improvement makes it possible to have multiple games without any real difficulty.
Stadium Director Peter McKenna praised the ground staff:
“The ‘suction’ system will take all of the water off. But, even so you are still left with a film of water on the top and it takes a little while for all of that to be removed. In the morning we put sand on some of the wetter parts and staff also ‘dressed’ the goalmouth area at the Canal end following the first game.’
Not missing the opportunity to throw in a horticultural metaphor sez he: ‘However, we’re not out of the woods yet. We have a few games left.’
Why the impressive floodlights don’t allow evening throw-ins during the summer is beyond us altho’ that is maybe being simplistic - but then that’s why we exist.
Waterford Fertile Period Denies the Rebels
Rebels boss Gerald McCarthy was generous in his tribute to his namesake’s Justin’s charges following their three point loss on Sunday, crediting a fertile period in the second half as the key to success:
‘The spurt they put in halfway through the second half gave them the lift they needed, and Dan Shanahan’s goals were the difference between the teams, the way he tucked them away, right into the corner as he’s been doing all season. Waterford deserved their win. It eases the pain a little bit when you know that. We’re dejected, the lads fought very hard to the end. You’d have to say Waterford were the better team on the day.’
Meanwhile Stephen Malumphy, provider for Big Dan, told us what we already knew about his larger than life teammate. ‘He’s a bit of a legend alright, isn’t he?” Said Stephen.
‘I love those spurts in the second half,’ declared the Office WAG, satisfied as can be. ‘That’s why they call him big Dan the legend,’ she added, glint in eye.
Walsh whales Stephen Nolan
Tommy Walsh had a great match on Sunday afternoon but it was the fact that he got a yellow card for whaling Stephen Nolan that caught our eye. As regulars would know we despise the BBC’s fat fool and all he stands for especially since he took it upon himself to slag of things gaelic and athletic so fair play to Tommy Walsh for taking on the might of the BBC.
Last word to Cha Fitzpatrick then? ‘Tommy is just not afraid, not of anyone. He is fearless. It could be a giant. It doesn’t matter - he’s fearless. And he has the skill then, to back that up.’
Banty has 20/20 Vision
Monaghan manager believes that it will take his starting fifteen plus five subs to beat the Kingdom.
Ahead of Kerry’s potential banana skin he says: ‘Training has become very competitive, it’s very competitive for places in the 20. It’s 20 we always talk about, we’ve used 20 in every championship match so far. At the end of the day, it’s 15 or 20 fellas from Kerry and 20 fellas from Monaghan.’
Let’s hope his foresight is 20/20 then as Monaghan attempt to boldly go where they haven’t been for a long time.
Quinn Direct
Past GAA President Peter Quinn has said he has no intention of applying to become the association’s new Director General following the retirement of Liam O’Mulvihill.
‘If I was 20-years younger, I’d love to be Ard Stiurthoir of the GAA and I’m vain enough to think I could make a contribution. But the reality is I wouldn’t get the job and wouldn’t particularly want it now. I won’t be applying for it.’
In April Quinn accused the GAA of resting on their laurels and said that a more professional approach is needed.
‘I would like to see someone who knows how to run an organisation efficiently and in a businesslike way to get the job. I don’t think that being a good GAA person is enough. It’s necessary but not sufficient.’
Talking Balls has added the following to the list of possibles: Michael O’Leary - would fit in well with the no frills approach taken by many GAA officials; JP McManus - would add a bit of Limerick sporting green; Jim Boyce latterly of the IFA - enough said; Albert Reynolds - knows how to run an organisation efficiently; Cardinal Ratzinger has experience of a large bureaucratic outfit with working use of two languages, but may be happy enough in his current position.
Gulf in Class - English Rule as Babs Quits
With Babs’ second coming as Tipp manager over, county chiefs appear to prefer Nicky Einglish over John Leahy as his successor. English - famous for his ‘wounded animals, kill, kill, kill’ teamtalk as heard by the Banner hurlers - has of course been in charge before. Babs however prefers his own right hand man John Leahy. Babs is apparently heading to the Gulf to work with his son in law jockey Johnny Murtagh - changing one horse and jockey for another.
“John has great insight into every member of the panel. He has flexibility in his job, he is very well regarded by our supporters’ club and our sponsor and I believe he has all the necessary qualities.”
However it is thought that former star and erstwhile manager Nicky English will be approached by the Premier County chiefs.
In his parting shot at the merchants of doom that spent the season picking holes in the Tipp set up, Babs again blasted suggestions that there were rows in the camp.
“There was never any disharmony in the camp, that was an excuse for poor performances from guys who were playing poorly. There was no such thing as disharmony when we beat Cork in Thurles three weeks ago.’
So then Babs, arrivederci, au revoir, slan - or should that be Salaam Alakum?
The Harte to Continue
Mickey Harte has ruled out suggestions that he may walk away from the Tyrone post after the defeat to Meath. Over the years many Red Hands fans have found reason to be critical of Mickey - too many players from West Tyrone, too many players from Errigal Ciaran on the panel, too many players not given a chance, played his son too often blah blah. No complaints about too much silverware, or too many Sam Maguires, or indeed too many good times over the last few years, no complaints about the seventeen trips to Croke Park to support Tyrone or the quality of football played on too many occasions to remember.
Sez Mickey: ‘The future is still good for Tyrone and I will be there next year. I’ve got a year left in the second of my three year terms and I’ll see it out. There are lots of good footballers in Tyrone coming though but the footballers there now are also very good. I’ll be staying on, some might not want me to, but I’ll see out my final year.”
On Saturday’s defeat he took his oil saying: ‘I’m very proud of the effort of my players, but you can’t afford to have the misses we had today and still expect to win the game. We dominated the end of the game, had total control of possession in the final fifteen minutes but didn’t take our chances. We won the breaks (around midfield) in the second half 19-5, which shows you we were in control but couldn’t get the scores,” concluded Harte.
Don’t bet your cat on Mickey not moving into a third three year term But for injuries, who knows what might have happened. As for 2008, you never know with Brian McGuigan possibly back, fit Clannsmen and a renewed appetite all round - bring it on lads, bring it on.
No Panic in Needle Park
At least Mickey Harte can draw some consolation from the fact that he isn’t managing a team of raving junkies. Mickey was unhappy that the drug testers turned up at Tyrone’s final training session ahead of their match with Meath disrupting preparation in the process. The four Tyrone players tested all came up with a clean bill of health.
The matter raises a few questions about the nature of drug testing for GAA players. These guys are amateurs right? Well how do they know what is and isn’t on the banned list of drugs? Armagh famously provided their players with a list of medications that were OK and those that weren’t OK. These included common cough and cold remedies. There are also some discrepancies north and south of the border on the various ingredients in medications.
With players in some counties increasingly ‘professional’ in their approach, what’s the odds on some innocent civil lump of a fella from one of the lesser lights, a man recently drafted onto a county panel maybe or indeed a common or garden club player falling foul of the drug testers? With news that the GPA is extending membership to club players, player education on drugs would be a good staring point. Come to think of it club managers and officials would benefit too.
Plenty of lads can be seen swigging from a can of the divil’s piss known as Red Bull. Apparently it gives you wings - well Talking Balls recalls that Icarus had wings, flew too close to the sun and crashed and burned.
CJ’s Masterclass in Irony
Antrim’s star turn CJ McGourty is some craic. Speaking ahead of their glorious defeat at Croker, the teenage goal bagger said: ‘Teams like Antrim put in as much work as the big boys and we feel we deserve our chance at Headquarters.’
This from the man who f**ed off to the US of A after Antrim’s Ulster Championship defeat to Derry, only to come back with the tail around his perineum. Ho, ho, ho.
We have checked with lecturers at the Ranch and it is believed that young Conor will study the concept of irony next semester.
Meanwhile Antrim manager Jody Gormley has acknowledged that their unfeasibly unlucky and tragic-comic defeat was “gutting”.
‘I thought we had it. The problem was that although we dominated possession in the second period of extra-time, we didn’t put it on the scoreboard. Maybe we were a bit naive. A more cynical or travelled team would have hauled down the man for their goal but that’s football. I’m proud of how hard they battled.’
To quote CJ, you had your chance at headquarters lads.
Trunks Washed, Packed and Ready to Go
Ger’s just made it back from Croker in time to load up the weekend bag and head off again. He brought back a few thoughts for Talking Balls, exclusively as usual despite better offers elsewhere. You read it here first.
I am just back from Croker as the wife knows to her peril - I just have had the one set of socks and trunks washed when it’s soon time to pack up and head off again. I usually try and lave the room when she opens up the oul bag for washin’ - she toul me once that surveyin’ my trunks after a weekend away on the beer at matches was the same as them scientists ageing trees by the number of rings in their trunks - she could tell how many days I was away. Fair play to her for lookin’ that close - I wouldn’t encourage that mesel. Anyway, all she had to do was ask me.
Between talking to players before the match, doing a bit of media work for an oul radio station and sitting on me hole watching a game or two the last few weeks at Croker have been right up my street. When you throw in a few oul pints maybe and talking a bit of oul shite in round the Burlington and the likes jaze it’s some craic.
There’s talk of it elsewhere but thon pitch at Croker’s some job now. Last year I saw fellas skate about like f***in’ bambi on ice in Disney world but I have to say this year it’s done the business. I heard that the mixture to fix it included a load of pig manure but some man could have told me that for badness. I was goin’ to ask the undertaker in charge of it if he would come up and talk to our club secretary - he’s like a f***in sponge - he retains as much information as he can - the difference being a real live sponge filters out the shite. This fella listens to every bollix he meets - he’s like that Ancient Mariner boy. Everyone he meets tells him somethin’ different about lookin’ after our pitch - the result - parts of it are like the sands of Iwo Jima, one bit is like those mudflats in England all them Chinese fellas got stuck on and drowned, another bits got grass like the Savannah in Africa. It’s unreal - Croker’s like the prize ye coulda won- our field’s like the prize bull’s frontroom.
I used to do a bit of work in the nineties with Sean Boylan and Meath. They were the hardiest hoors I ever saw in a long time and I’ll tell ye, it was no surprise to me they bust Tyrone’s bag on Saturday. First of all Ger Cavlan’s no full forward. In the first half the Meath full forwards were like bluebottles buzzing here there and everywhere causing shite wherever they went. That lad Damian McCaul’s a fast and hardy big hoor but he got pulled about something shockin. At the other end Cavlan and co was nowhere near as mobile as them Meath fellas. That fella Darren Fay, now he’s a full back I like. He takes no shit but he’s hard and fair and Cavlan got nothing from him. Poor oul Mugsy, he’ll be slated by all the bar-room sages especially for that ball in the first half that flew through his legs and for all the wides but it’s not as if Mugsy got up on Saturday morning, looked in the mirror and said - ‘I’m going to play like a ballbag today.’ Fact of the matter he did, that’s beside the point, these things happen, forget it lad and drive on.
I thought the ref was a bit harsh on Tyrone betimes but Meath deserved it. Meath had their homework done, big Cavanagh was blocked off from running - it was like trying to get up the road to the North when Drumcree was on - every route blocked and no way through. Sometimes I think Cavanagh should just burst some hoor and let that be the end of it but he fair showed them boys the way home with his goal. The ref let Meath away with it all big style. Davy Harte too got ushered up all sorts of blind alleys and had to move all lateral as that silly bollix Barton calls it.
Now Geraghty’s one boy gets right up people’s noses. Even Meath people don’t like him although I saw a few boys bowing at him after the goal. And what a goal - he looked like he’d been handed a baked spud that was too hot the way he lifted that ball over Devine’s head. He can handle my spuds any time if he finishes off like that. When big Fay was injured where was Geraghty? Standin’ in at full back covering. He’s a players’ player except I suppose when he’s batin the shite out of ye! Then he goes and ruins it by kicking Cavanagh on the back of the head. If he was my player I would boot him in the hole for the stupid things he does. No f***in need for the half of it and that’s the truth.
Jody Gormley had me talking to the Antrim fellas before their match. Sez I, ‘boys, don’t fall asleep. Ye can sleep on the bus on the way home or into yer beer after yez have won but don’t fall asleep during the match or it’ll end in blood, snotters and tears.’ It near broke my heart to see what happened - that fella Gill cudn’t believe his luck but the Antrim fella running up the pitch with the ball at the end of extra time should have kept running like that f***er Forrest Gump, down the tunnel, out of the stadium and away up the Clonliffe Road back to Belfast. Instead, big f***in hoofer and the next thing the balls back up the field and in the back of the net. Good night Irene, end of story. I felt like bootin someone in the hole and couldn’t find anyone to blame. I saw Billy Morgan goin past so I let fly at him knowin’ he wouldn’t mind. Later on after the Tyrone game I saw a big giant ugly hoor of a fella with grey hair and a Tyrone jumper bate the shite out of one of them fancy poster signs up in Croker’s premium level. Scared the shite out of his missus too - I think she thought she was next.
I watched about fifteen minutes of the Sligo game - jaze I got a great oul sleep then until a pile of Dubs came in beside me with Tyrone shirts on supporting against Meath. Sez I, ‘what part of Tyrone are ye from?’ This oul blondie thing with a face on her like a welder’s bench answered quick as a flash ‘Marino, where de ye think.’
Anyway, I’ll be back down this weekend for another lash at it, new trunks and all. I’ll be hoping that Pillar fella gets his hole well and truly booted - good and hard - he’s a fissog on him would sour milk and that’s the truth. We’ll see. Could be a handy oul All Ireland for Meath this year - mark my words and it’s not often I’m wrong.