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As Tyrone bad boy Ger Cavlan hits the headlines for all the wrong reasons we ask to what extent has the media taken delight in showing the fact he is a gaelic footballer.

After a scare Dara Ó Sé gets his ass in gear for the final. We wonder can the Rebels led by the redoubtable Billy Morgan offer anything other than token rebellion?

Coming up to showpiece time in Croker, the Touts are having a field day openly selling online - the scum. Will the PTB do anything or just talk a good game in their battle against touts.

We consider Pillar’s future with the Dubs if he has one, and we look at the most famous Protestant since Sam - back playing in Fermanagh. The Sunday Tribune was produced at half time in Croker to spur on Kerry - more of that please!

We consider the breast fetish of some of our favourite reporters and ask why is this so? An Oedipus complex or what?

Our man Ger reveals his past in basketball and salutes the ball skills of Gooch, Donaghy O’Sullivan and co as the Kingdom march on.

If your dog is sick, you know what to do… call the Vet. For everything else there’s always Talking Balls.

Cavlan Dog Story Increases BBC GAA Coverage by 1000%

Talking Balls has noted with interest the BBC’s coverage of the Ger Cavlan dog story and the fact they managed to pump the story out as far and wide to as many media outlets as they could.

I suppose we gaels should be grateful for any coverage we get from the British Broadcasting Corporation - this story has certainly got more coverage than any of our games over the last month or so indeed Ger Cavlan is the first gaelic and athletic person we’ve seen on the screen for more than 30 seconds in a long time. Just a pity it was for all the wrong reasons.

Are we biased or was there just a little too much relish in the references to GAELIC FOOTBALLER Ger Cavlan? If we weren’t Gaelic fans how we would view it? Most of us, we are sure were appalled by what we seen and we have to view them both as separate issues. Parts of the show were unwatchable and in that sense for highlighting this, fair play!

There is no to excuse Ger Cavlan and his dog’s life, but if they showed as much interest in sports that have the highest attendances in Ulster and Ireland at county AND club level, games that dwarf the Mickey Mousery of local hockey, Jackie, Irish League Football, Stephen, Ulll-ster, Ulll-ster, Jim - or even dog fighting for that matter Mandy, then we might have more time for our friends at the Beeb.

Some good news, decent coverage is not alot to ask for, take a look around Croke Park on Sunday and see what we have to offer!!

Ó Sé’s Arse Set to be OK for Final

Kerry supporters will be relieved to hear that Darragh Ó Sé’s backside is in ‘dacent enough oul shape’ after he hurt it on Sunday during the game.

It is believed he suffered a slight strain after Talking Balls Resident Expert Ger Manas booted him on the hole at training last week in a misguided attempt to get him ‘revved up for the f***in game.’ Dara then upset himself further during the game injuring his posterior so much so he had to go to the dressing room for some physio on his buttock. Kieran Donaghy alluded to this when he said after the game: ‘To put it rudely we could have turned our arses to it, but we stuck together, we battled.’

A source in Kerry hospital explained: ‘We have a machine here in Kerry and we’re flat out looking at arseholes all the time. It’s the time of the year and the football. Yerra, we’re often asked to look at bollixes too.’

Would You Buy a Ticket From These W***ers

Most people who read Talking Balls are normal fans of things gaelic and athletic. Like Talking Balls most of you have probably been in the position where you were under a pressure getting a ticket for a game you simply had to see. Next thing some bastard outside the ground dangles one in front of you with a vastly inflated price, what’s more he has a bundle in his other hand. You appeal to his better nature and try to reason with someone called Onan, born of Mammon.

Well you’ve seen the toe-rag in the flesh, now meet his virtual brother. Yes www.needaticket.ie are selling All Ireland Final tickets with a face value of €70 for €550.

Managing Director of the site Michael Scully says:

“We have to work to supply and demand like any other business. It boils down to simple economics. We are a secondary ticket market. We buy the ticket at whatever price is available and charge 15 per cent commission to buyers for the use of the website. That is all, we have no control over ticket prices or demands. We can only go with the market.”

Now the rugger buggers may be many things but they have their heads well screwed on when it comes to tickets. Each ticket is known to the IRFU and anyone touting is disbarred from receiving tickets again. If the PTB are serious about stamping out touts, how about buying a few of these tickets even at inflated prices and making an example of the original owners and Mr Scully and his ilk.

Meanwhile, if you’re having a bad day at work and you feel like letting off steam, here is the Tout’s number:

01 6769689

(From the Nort) +353 1 6769689

email office@needaticket.ie

The secret password is w***ers - repeat it three times loudly as soon as they answer the phone and service will follow right along.

Unhealthy Breast Obsession Among Gaelic and Athletic reporters

Talking Balls has noted with some discomfort a breast fascination among Irish sports writers in the last week or so and worrying references to the breast feeding habits of Kerry people including Pat Spillane. Both Tom Humphries and Paddy Heaney have made explicit references to suckling, indeed Heaney’s reference was reminiscent of that scene in Little Britain where the grown man has at his ma. We understand Paddy is of dacent Maghera stock so we don’t know where he’s getting this from.

We don’t condone any of this at all and we abhor the school of journalism that led these reporters to makes these inappropriate suggestions - aimed unashamedly at Irish womanhood.

Big chested and indeed small and medium chested girls playing our games is OK but some of these comments are very disrespectful and demeaning to players and their mothers. Doulas nationwide are on the alert, and close to the warpath, to provide support for mná na hEireann.

To ensure a standard level of writing on our national games we are setting up the Gaelic Press Association - a new gaelic and athletic news bureau to regulate coverage and ensure it conforms to standards of common decency and decorum. The GPA will ensure there are no overtly sexual references to players, that they are not made fun of and that women and men shall enjoy equal rights. We see the role of the GPA as an organisation ensuring the credibility, fastidiousness and appropriateness of coverage of our games.

NOTE - this GPA is not to be confused with the other GPA or indeed the other GPA.

Pillars of Wisdom

Media Friendly Dublin boss Paul Caffrey looks set to be given at least another year ignoring or generally being rude to those bastards in the media. When asked by his nemeses on Sunday whether he would be staying on after Dublin’s narrow but inevitable defeat at the hands of old enemy Kerry - whom incidentally they haven’t beaten in the championship since 1977 - the normally affable Pillar humped off saying he was away to DCU for a shower. Not then to DCU’s well subscribed journalism course.

Dublin head honcho Gerry Harrington said: ‘They have done a tremendous service for Dublin GAA over the last three years - Paul, the backroom staff and the whole panel of players. They have three Leinster titles in a row, which is a marvellous achievement, they have reached two All-Ireland semi-finals and that’s where we are at the moment. I would like to publicly thank them for the work and the commitment they have given. They have done Dublin proud, every single one of them.’

That would be all thirty or so players and the thirty or forty of a backroom staff. Enlgand World Cup rugby winning coach Clive Woodward didn’t have as big an entourage but at least his players won the damn thing. Star forward, Alan Brogan one of the few players to actually threaten Kerry and not just verbally although he showed himself well fit for that part of the game, said:

‘I don’t think the manager’s job is finished until he delivers the All-Ireland for his team, I’m hopeful that the county board will extend Paul’s contract, or whatever they have to do. And I’m sure all the players will want him to stick around.’

Goin on what we’ve seen Talking Balls surmises that the delay in confirming whether Caffery will stay or not hinges on pension negotiations - they way he’s going he’ll still be manager when his Zimmer frame arrives. For the record, the Dubs last won the All Ireland in 1995, controversially defeating Tyrone and haven’t been back in the Final since. Before that the last metropolitan team to win was the famous twelve apostles that beat Galway in one of the worst finals ever in 1983. To be fair to Pillar and it can be hard he did point out that all the bullshit about the Golden Years and the greatest game ever in 1977 was irrelevant to the the present group of players, most of whom weren’t born or in Mark Vaughan’s case beamed down.

Former All Ireland winner Paul Curran is not convinced Pillar and co have what it takes tho’. ‘There needs to be a least two new faces when the team starts its journey again next year and I think it is going to take a change of management to insure that actually happens. I think the present management setup has probably taken this bunch of lads as far as they can and maybe a change of voice, a few new ideas and couple of young players is what is required to go that extra step.

Tribune Gets the Half-time Wipe Down

Talking Balls is a great subscriber to the oul notions of the dramatic act at half time , or before the game - the busted all Ireland loser’s plaque a la Joe Kernan, the Eamon Coleman appearance in Omagh last year when Derry beat Tyrone, John Rafferty telling the St Galls players to get up off their knees, the normally reticent Micky Moran rallying the Derry troops in 1993, Peter Canavan and Chris Lawn’s passionate teamtalk before Tyrone left Citywest in 2005 . Indeed we were distinctly underwhelmed when, in response to a question about Mickey Harte and what he said at half time during the floodlit match in Croker, a couple of Tyrone players answered ‘not much. Ye see fans like us like a bit of drama. We want to understand what’s going on in the dressing room, who’s in tears, who’s standing up manfully delivering an oration that Shakespeare or Heaney could only dream of. Who’s bucked their trophy against a wall or ripped their all Ireland losers shirt to shreds in a fit of passion.

We blew out our cheeks and grinned from ear to ear then, tear almost in eye to hear that that old chestnut - the newspaper clipping was produced in the Kerry dressing room on Sunday. The offending scribe? One Liam Hayes, the bastard.

Kerry GAA chairman Sean Walsh said “scurrilous” comments by former Meath All-Ireland winner Liam Hayes were used to motivate Pat O’Shea’s side at half time in Croke Park.

Hayes, in The Sunday Tribune, claimed the Kerry players were overrated and that “the Kingdom no longer rules”. “It’s kaput. There’s no such place worthy of - and living up to - this mighty name anymore, and the GAA has lost its most prized territory.”

Sean Walsh stated: “That was a real scurrilous article by Liam Hayes and we actually used it in the dressing room at half time because it was an appalling attack on Kerry football over the last 30 years. We were not going to take that lightly and neither did the players when they heard.”

He added: “What Liam Hayes was saying is completely off the wall.”

Talking Balls wishes to clarify was it on the wall then, or off the wall, or just waved about. Was it thrown on the floor and stamped on, maybe thrown in a urinal and pissed on. Oh yes, there’s many things you can do in a dressing room at half time with an oul newspaper including wipe your arse with it.

No bother to the forthright and obnoxious but frequently right Hayes, he went on Radio Kerry to defend his opinion. We don’t know whether that was on the air or off the air but sure fair play to him all the same.

Gougerism Alive and Kicking

Hard to bate the coining of an oul phrase in among the gaelic and athletic fraternity and - although we’ve waited all summer - along comes referees co-ordinator Pierce Freaney describing some of the incidents witnessed in Croker last Sunday as “gougerism”, while the Competition Controls Committee chairman Jimmy Dunne vowed that: “anything that brings discredit on our games will be looked at”.

Yes Croke witnessed a shemozzle or two, a few handbags, and now gougerism all leading to thirteen yellow cards. John Bannon, the referee responsible for this, as obviously the players had nothing to do with it, gets off stone free. Freaney said of the ref:

“John was calm throughout. He has his own style where he moves around the field which people think is a lack of interest but there is no more focused referee in the county.”

Referee’s OC, Fr Gardiner also stood by his man: “No referee does more thinking on his own game than John Bannon. He studies it and he is a great thinker on the rules and on the game itself. He contributes to our refereeing sessions and he’s a very upright guy.”

Apparently the Dubs were annoyed after Paul Galvin lamped Paul Casey leaving him ‘holding his head’ but again the failure of the RTE cameraman is the reason this won’t be dealt with.

Billy the Kid You Not

Cork manager Billy Morgan made a return to Croker - they can’t keep him away from the place now - to take a look at Dublin and Kerry and scare the shite out of any passing Examiner reporters he might run into.

Based on what he saw, he has installed the Kingdom as firm favourites the first Cork-Kerry All-Ireland football final. Well he would say that wouldn’t he. Funny, if anyone else said it they’d probably find themselves in a headlock with their equipment tucked where the sun don’t shine. Said he: ‘Kerry never panicked and used all their experience when it mattered. Many would have thought when Darragh Ó Sé went off injured that they would have been in trouble but it mattered little to them. That performance and the fact that they are contesting their fourth final in a row entitles them to be favourites for the final, but Kerry are always favourites in big games.’

Talking Balls is praying, nay imploring all the sainty saints to make it a controversial final. Anything to get a repeat from the Morgan.

Ciaran Whelan Gets Unfair Press - Believe it, Or Not?

Dublin Colossuss Ciaran Whelan has been complaining about the treatment he gets from the media: ‘I seem to have to play for the full 70 minutes of every game. If I play for 60 minutes people will focus in on the other 10 and be critical. It’s funny and I just laugh at it.’

Last time we look Ciaran it was a seventy minute game unless you’d prefer to stick to club football.

“I look at other players who play well for only 10 minutes in a game and get all the praise. But if I’m involved in an incident it will be blown out of proportion and other incidents will be brushed under the carpet. I’ve only had one yellow card this summer. I have been sent off once in 12 years in championship football and that was for two yellows against Wexford in 2005.’

The cynics might say he has only got one yellow because he has it down to a fine art. Not getting caught that is. No cynics here though.

Seamus Tank Half Full

Tank emptier extraordinaire Seamus McMcEnaney was devastated at losing to Kerry and he admits that he is still getting over it.

“I didn’t go to work for a few days after that, I was so disappointed. In my three years Monaghan has made progress and I always said I’d go if we stopped making progress. I’m very busy with three or four businesses but I’ll make a decision in the next 10 days.’

He’s not doing so bad if he’s running three or four businesses and he doesn’t have to bother his arse going to work in any of them. Many’s a man would call that progress. Emptying the tank even.

Most Famous Protestant Since Sam Maguire

Gaelic and athletic’s second most famous Protestant has re-merged to play for his team Lisnaskea in the Fermanagh County hurling Final. ‘Fermanagh hurling’s that weak they need anyone they can get,’ sez the office WAG here, but sure no-one pays any attention to her.

Sez Darren: ‘I did not think I would be opening such a can of worms, but I am glad that I did. It is time it was stamped out and I am grateful for all the support I got from the county board. So hopefully, this will put an end to this type of abuse. It is time to look forward.’

Talking Balls has already covered this a couple of issues back but we couldn’t help noticing how this sorry assed episode gave all the flat earthers - who enjoy calling the association sectarian - a day out in the media. These are people whose own organisations would bear much scrutiny. Anyway Fair play Darren ye boy ye, keep her lit.’

English Man to Decide on TV Rights

Everyone seems to be getting hot and bothered at the prospect of the PTB selling the rights of matches to he highest bidder which it is widely assumed would not be RTE. To be fair to RTE their coverage and their bending over backwards has been of Nadi Comaneci proportions this summer - imagine having to choose between a hurling match and a football match on the dreaded BBC. More chance of Stephen Nolan making a size zero.

Anyone, many diehard gaelic and athletic types - you know the sort of crusty oul hoor that appears for the AGM and remembers who sold the field to the club in 1903 and what the conditions were if you ever wanted to sell it on to Tesco or Lidl or someone - yes them, well they’ll be turning in their graves or leaving the collie alone if they find out that the PTB in Croker have employed a top English based consultant as they seek to maximise their revenue from TV rights. Yes an English man - telling us what to do with our money. Our games. Our culture. Our birthright…

Croker chiefs have turned to Mark Oliver, of London based Oliver & Ohlbaum, one of the best media planners in the UK. Oliver has taken over the role for the GAA as its main man in the ongoing negotiation process regarding the forthcoming radio and TV contracts which are due to be streamlined next November. Oliver has come on board after building up a relationship with the GAA’s Marketing Manager Dermot Power over the course of the last six years.

First Rule 21, then Rule 42, then the Queen at Croker? Now this. Is nothing sacred? Next we’ll have bloody gays and lesbians playing our games too.

Cats Shadow Box ahead of Cheeky Boys from Limerick

Can Limerick pull off one of the great shocks in hurling or will the Cats bate them out the gate without a second thought. Most people would say the latter but the one doubt it’s the fact that Kilkenny have only played one testing match the year against Galway and even in that game they pulled away handy enough in the end. Limerick on the other hand are battle hardened and game ball for anything under Richie Bennis and Gary Kirkby.

Kilkenny selector and former U-21 coach Martin Fogarty is boxing clever ahead of the game. Talking the Treaty men up. One Limerick’s 2007 surge he says: ‘The boys who would have played against them over the years would say it wasn’t a surprise. In 2005, we played Limerick in the quarter-final and as far as I remember, with 10 or 15 minutes to go there were three or four points in it. And there had been a few shaky manoeuvres around our goal mouth.’

Fogarty likes the balance in the Limerick team, allegedly describing it as a : ‘a great mixture of strong men, hurlers, fast lads and, even in a nice sort of a way, cheeky lads. Waterford were the same - a lad will go for a goal when you think maybe he’s going to take a point. Limerick have that and they play off the cuff. When you get a team that can play with abandon, they can be very hard to beat.’

‘The big banana skin for Waterford this year was the huge psycho-logical thing to be ready for Cork, having beaten them twice already (League and Munster semi-finals). At the back of your mind, you’re thinking, ‘surely they’re not going to beat us when we really need to beat them. That put a huge mental strain on them to be able to get over that. And when they got over it they had Limerick waiting in the long grass - and only a week to prepare.

Describing life in Croker, Fogarty said: ‘No matter how good you are, when the unexpected happens and you are out there in Croke Park in front of 82,000 people you can’t run into the dressing room and re-group. You have to deal with it there and then - and human nature being what it is, it’s not easy.”

Talking Balls is sure he hopes his own words won’t be back to haunt them. If Limerick can shovel into the Cats with the same intensity and workrate they’ve showed to date and Kilkenny show the slightest complacency the Cats might find themselves in that position and have to deal with it there and then. Could be a walkover or it could be a classic.

A Song for Dan

We found this in our inbox, dunno how it got there… some strange people reading this stuff.

The Big Strong Dan

Have you heard about Dan the Man
He’s built like an army van
He used to be a bit of a bollocks
But now he’s just a hurlin man
He’s got some tattoos on his wrist
And in front of goal he rarely missed
He scored against the Rebels two or three times
But the next day he was piss
Oh the girls’d love to bleed him dry
They love his big strong thighs
Don’t judge him if you don’t know him
Or he’ll come around and fill you in

And his best friend Mullane
He waves his badge at the fans
He scores points for fun in Thurles
Against Limerick he was atrocious
He looks as bald as a coot
But the hair is yellow at the roots
Some ladies think it’s cute
They’d like to handle this brute…

Meanwhile Dan the Man delivered a spiky dismissal to Richie Bennis’s ‘we got five goals and Dan the Man got none. He said: ‘Despite the result in the All-Ireland semi-final, we have two titles this year — the National League and the Munster. We’ll see after Sunday if Limerick have any titles.’

He gave Talking Balls would-be shirt tuggers a clue as to where he’d be on Sunday come throw in Letting slip: ‘I’ll watch the game on the television in my local.’

‘But for the fact that we had to play Limerick on the Sunday after we had played very tough matches against Cork on two successive Sundays, I very much doubt if Limerick would have scored five goals against us. I’m not blaming our backs — it was just that the whole team was a bit below-par.

As to whether he’d be around next year: ‘I’ll be 31 in January, I’ve been on the Waterford panel since 1996 and I’ve been playing championship hurling since 1998. I’ve a young family. The commitment is massive in this game. You’re in the gym two to three night a week and training for another two to three nights. And unlike the top soccer and rugby players, we’re only amateurs and have to do a day’s work beforehand.’

Let’s hope it ain’t so - one more time Dan.

Ger Watches Kerry and Shoots His Hoop

Talking Balls Resident Expert Ger Manas brought Kerrymen everywhere to the edge of their seats after his training-ground boot to Dara O Se’s hole flared up during the match on Sunday. But, his wise counsel helped them home against the Dubs. That and a bit of basketball Zen courtesy of Pat O’Shea - delivered by the Gooch and executed by the one and only Declan O’Sullivan.

I spent last week down in the Kingdom and yerra, as them Kerry bollixes say, sure twas great altogether. Kerry’s great this time a year, the place is full of them Rose of Tralee yokes up prancing about like show ponies and them mad lookin craic and whatever else. I was talking to one of them - the Rose of Dubai, jaze she was like one of them Barbie dolls - ye’d a though someone pulled her string - she wouldn’t stop talking. Was from Cork originally mind you, but she was tellin’ me about palm trees and arabs, and sooks and them big pipes them arab boyos have for smoking dope. I dunno how them boys can go to work at all smoking that shit. She was telling me it’s apple flavoured tobbacca in there - ah right, well I beg to differ as the Pakistani shopkeeper beside us in London used to say. There was a fella on the sites now, a painter lad, he used to spend the days in a world of his own and we thought he was a child of God or the fumes was bad or something. Twas smoking one of the arab hubba bubba pipes had him all f***ed up. He got stopped twice by the peelers drivin’ his van and when they asked what speed he thought he was doing. Sez he ‘Seventy’. Sez Plod ‘Ten - you’re nicked.’

Anyway, fine lookin’ big yoke she was too, kept givin’ me the glad eye. Ye get women like that, they see an oul fella like me, obviously seen a thing or two in his day, travelled, windswept and a bit battle weary, they maybe hear I’ve a tribe of weans about the place at home and here and there and they start fantasizin and thinkin’ how fertile I am and mebbe if they played the deck right, they could be the mother of my weans. Well, there’s none of that with me but Jaze there was a couple of the Roses were grand looking girls. There were a few others it has to be said got a good slap of the ugly stick and the odd one too there looked like she’s maybe be a long shot at the Galway races.

Anyway the purpose of my visit (that’s what the airport man asked me when I arrived in Kerry) was to give Pat O’Shea a hand or two comin’ up to the match. He knew I played a bit of the oul basketball in my day and it’s true I knew Bob Knight very well. There was a man now that wouldn’t be for massaging egos. Knight sez to a fella one night: ‘You’ll never play. Your ass will be so far down that bench no-one will ever hear from you again.’ Oul Bob got into bother a couple of years back and got sacked for grabbin a houl of one of his college boys or somethin’. Only problem for him was he got caught - many’s the big lad got a boot in the hole from what I saw.

Dara O Se’s some footballer but he can be a lazy big hoor too. We reckoned that if Kerry was to win Dara had to play well, so sez I to mesel a bit of oul reverse psychology here. ‘Well,’ I sez to him ‘Dara boy if you don’t do the business on Sunday I will boot you on the hole, just like this.’ Well jaze I rooted him hard and fair, next thing he fell over the bucket with the magic sponge in it and hurt his arse. That’s the same one he hurt on Sunday during the game - twas a close call alright and I got a few strange looks but sure twas grand.

Come match time we looked at that fella Declan O’Sullivan in the warm up. Quiet enough footballer but jaze he can take a score as easy as take a leak. His goalscoring in Croker is unreal. He got fierce bad abuse from a pile of the Kerry supporters last year - them boys don’t know half as much as they make out they do. Remember the All Ireland - he drives her on through Mayo and buries her in the net - game on and game over in fact. Again Derry, he finished cool as you like - like a man that’s lived in an oul ice bath. On Sunday now the goal that killed the Dubs - and I can’t say it’ll cause me any loss of sleep - was inch perfect. Back to the goal, great move worked by the Gooch and the pass in - from Young - there was the Gooch directin’ traffic with the arm up pointin’ - he saw the goal was on and by jaze was it on when ye have O’Sullivan in there. He hit the ball on the turn and Cluxton looked like he’d sprouted roots - that man Dec should put up fences he judged it that straight and true. Ye compare that finish to the work Eoin Bradley made Cluxton do again’ Derry. O Sullivan’s a goal man - the Derry man wasn’t. Cluxton is overrated - and I’ll say here and now that if I was Caffrey I’da run on the pitch fines or no fines and booted him in the hole that time he ran about the field like a f***in collie dog before kicking the ball right to big Donaghy. Where’d it end up? Right back over the bar.

I talked about the Gooch there, he was a like Napoleon Bonaparte in there directin’ things especially when he came out roun’ the 45 and as for that big long lummox Donaghy - jaze he can play. My mate Bob Knight woulda liked that big lad on the boards. All simple - spring, catch, turnin’ on landin’ - all ready for action - tail up and head cocked like an oul cat that’s been rooted in the ass to get her outa yer road. He gets the ball, wee simple offload here or there, a few yards and him playin’ on his toes. Ye tell young fellas to watch the way Donaghy gets the ball and glides out of trouble. Soon as he gets her the pass is on - mightn’t look a difficult pass but it’s made seconds earlier in his mind. Where was he at the end of the game? Inside his own 14, gatherin’ up loose ball, clearing it out - simple handball again. Bob Knight said to me once: ‘You can be a great leaper. You can be a great shooter. You can be quick. You can be all those things. But if you don’t see what’s going on in front of you or behind you or around you, if you don’t know what to look for, you can’t play basketball.’ He could have been talking about Donaghy and he’da been right.

Everyone a couple of years back was talkin’ about that Argentinian goal in the world cup. Them boys put together a pile of passes up the field before that baldy lad Cambiasso stuck her in the net. That fella Alan Hansen was creamin his gunks at the thought of it - the other team couldn’t get the ball at all. Well on Sunday my gunks were in danger I have to say at the end of the game with O’Sullivan’s last score. Sixteen passes I think I counted - the Dubs were f***in desperate for the ball but that cute wee bollix Gooch stood over yonder like a man havin’ a fag outside his work and passed the ball this way and that and him in a postage stamp of space. At one stage three, yes three Dubs goes tearin over and sez I to mesel if there’s three of them bollixes trying to get the Gooch, there’s two Kerrymen free somwhere else. Gooch knew it too - sure enough he sucks them in, takes them out with one pass and pops the ball - off it goes across the pitch til O’Sullivan - no man better to boot her over the bar - end of story good night Irene. I put that score down to Pat O’Shea and his basketballing. Surely, them boys are as cool as can be on the ball but the composure on the ball and waitin and waitin before killin’ the Dubs was unreal. Just unreal. The Gooch there now - he’s maybe not scorin as much as before but in my book he’s become the better player. He was playin’ like Brian McGuigan does for Tyrone - wee pass here or there but it makin’ the difference. Any man would pay money for that.

The Dubs let themsels down in my book with that oul shite talkin. Alan Brogan’s a fine player but he needs to watch thon mouth. My man O’Sullivan reacted cos of something them boys said and got booked but he gave theme the answer they need by jaze he did. O Sullivan now has a chance to captain Kerry to two All Irelands in a row and it couldn’t happen to a nicer fella.

I’m kinda getting sick of Croker now I’ve been there that much - I’m goin back on Sunday for the hurlin’ but sure ye have to do these things. Couple of weeks I’ll be back shooting hoops with Gooch and Donaghy, sure twill be grand.

This week as we celebrate our twentieth edition, we are still shocked at Meath’s departure from the ‘scene’ after our over confident prediction last week. Bollix to that - just shows that even non-experts can be wrong sometimes too. Ever since we have had to listen to experts like that boy Eugene McGee say why he always thought Meath wouldn’t win. The road is long and cute runs the fox - or whatever the saying goes.

The wet squib of a match wasn’t without its talking points - Noel O’Leary shows as much chutzpah as his namesake Michael in taking out Graham Geraghty. Commentators spluttered not sure whether to be outrage or amused. Meanwhile Noel, a big willing looking fella grinned and dozed on. No dozer tho’ - knew exactly what he was at.

We reflect on the cultural issue affecting Irish Sikhs - how will this affect our games? Talking Balls is in the forefront of action there. There is still time to vote for the tee shirt for Roy Keane so contact us again even if you have already - votail early and often.

Babs Keating won’t go away you know. Next week we will look at hurling in depth in the wake of the Considine affair in Clare and ahead of the All Ireland Final. Readers of the Irish Examiner look out for our exclusive brochure insert next week and thanks to Michael Moynihan for his support.

Plenty more in an action packed edition so read on. If you need glasses visit an optician or call the AA. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.

Is that a Dictaphone or are you just pleased to see me?

Billy Morgan’s growing reputation as the curmudgeonly oul bastard of the gaelic and athletic is going from strength to strength following his bizarre actions last Sunday in Croke Park when he thrust an unsuspecting Irish Examiner reporter’s Dictaphone down the front of his trousers. Billy’s increasingly erratic behaviour will, it is feared spark off a series of copycat actions amongst other managers as the hurling, football and camogie series reach a climax.

Said one source close to the top: “We hope thrusting electronic equipment into pants, brassieres and other undergarments will not become a feature of our games. We are not sure yet how safe some of these devices might be - if vibrated about they might give someone a nasty shock.”

After returning the offending piece of apparatus, Billy Morgan headed off to the Cork dressing room, apparently highly satisfied but exhausted with his day’s work.

And, just when you though it was safe to turn on the wireless…

The last Talking Balls heard former Tipp hurling boss Babs Keating was heading for pastures new in the Gulf.

Not so. The boul Babs popped up on RTE’s ‘Liveline’ programme to lend his support to Cork’s ‘Wild’ Billy Morgan, who - as we reported above - raised a few eyebrows when he lowered his waistband to accommodate the Examiner’s Dictaphone.

Offering Billy his full support, Babs said a dictaphone wouldn’t be enough to push down the tracksuit bottoms of some of the columnists he has had to deal with in Tipp.

Lashing the local journalistic talent, Babs said: ‘All these fellas are great with the benefit of hindsight. I can honestly say that not only do I rely on my two selectors, but also the county chairman who played inter-county hurling and I have very good advisers who hold four or five All-Ireland medals.

“And for the Tipperary public to have to put up with some of the columnists in the country for their advice . . . .as I said if you asked them to shorten a hurley, they’d probably start at the wrong end.’

Nothing compared to what Talking Balls has to put up with Babs.

All this is the same week as he has thrown his hat into the ring to become next Tipp football manager. Whatever next - Babs for Ard Stuirthoir?

Don’t Forget Your Turban If You Want to Go to Work

The Gardai have got themselves into a tricky spot this week with their decision to ban a member of the Sikh religion from wearing a turban - he has been told by the boys in blue that he has to wear the iconic standard issue peaked cap as worn by Pillar Caffrey et al.

For all you monocultural bog savages - Sikhs do not cut their hair for religious reasons and are obliged to cover it with a turban unlike Laois’s Colm Parkinson. According to Harpreet Singh, President of Irish Sikh Council, asking a Sikh community member to get rid of his turban “is like asking him to remove his head”. Mr Singh has instead called for Sikh Gardaí to be allowed wear a turban carrying the insignia of An Garda Síochána instead of a standard issue hat.

Sikhs in police and defence forces in the United States, Britain, Canada, Singapore, Malaysia, Pakistan, and India are permitted to wear turbans. There are up to 1,500 Sikhs living on the island of Ireland.

What has this got to do with things gaelic and athletic you may ask? Well, of these 1500 Sikhs, Talking Balls is sure that some of them would be keen to play hurling. Sikh’s after all were traditionally warriors and as part of their religion each carries a small dagger in much the same way as Joe Kernan’s Armagh side wore those girly orange wristbands and had an apple tattooed behind their left knee. Under current rules players up to the U-21 grade will be obliged to wear a helmet thereby potentially discriminating against any of your young Sikhs that may be adept with caman agus sliotar but cannot play without their turban.

Not wishing to be outflanked a la Garda Síochána, the PTB at Croker have commissioned Talking Balls to carry out research with the Mycro hurling helmet company to build a helmet that can accommodate the standard issue turban. Larger than the normal helmet, it is believed the Sikh friendly model would be a great asset for any team facing a Damian Fitzhenry penalty or indeed a Paul Flynn 21 yard free given its larger surface area and the enhanced padding afforded by the turban underneath.

Squareball to Sponsor All Ireland Championships?

More shite from Talking Balls OR not as far fetched as you might think? Well news has reached our plush offices - as it does - that Bank of Ireland and Guinness are to be axed as sponsors of the football and hurling championships respectively.

The news could open the door for a bidding war that may allow the likes of Talking Balls’ proud parent Squareball to attach its name to one or both of the senior championships - if of course the terms were right for us.

The PTB have announced that they intend splitting the sponsorship rights across three companies for each of the blue riband competitions and have informed the lovely people at the Bank of Ireland and Guinness accordingly. Both firms will be reviewing their position and indeed Talking Balls has not ruled out the possibility that it may in fact end up in turn being sponsored by Ireland’s leading drink in a unique reciprocal arrangement.

Talking Balls can exclusively reveal that if we did receive sponsorship from Guinness we would commit to exclusive consumption of pints of stout to the exclusion of all others. The Office WAG has even agreed to stop drinking Breezers and WKD among other things - if the proposed deal is forthcoming. No-one from Guinness was available for comment when we rang.

For the PTB it is understood that the new plan would see income rise to €6.5 million rather than the paltry €3.5 it currently lifts.

What then have Guinness and Bank of Ireland done for the competitions? Well they have produced some rather good advertising - what would you do for your county the Bank of Ireland asked. ‘Anything,’ said the Office WAG ‘and indeed I have done anything when asked…’

Now, more news has reached Talking Balls that Guinness have developed an eye catching and highly realistic hologram that will see Joe Deane and ladies’ favourite Big Dan Shanahan appear Princess Leia-like in the foyer of the Grafton Centre and hurl with each other. We kid you nae.

Speaking about the hologram, Dan Shanahan said, ‘I didn’t really know what to expect and it is quite surreal seeing a hologram of myself, but the technology is really cool and we had good fun filming the sequence. It is definitely the first time I’ve had a puck around Grafton Street that’s for sure!’Pamela Selby from Guinness said, “The Guinness All-Ireland Hurling Championship always provides fans with great entertainment and excitement. We always like to showcase the unique skills of the game and the vibrant nature of hurling. The technology behind the hologram certainly allows us to do just that. Not only does it bring this year’s campaign to life, but it is sure to attract a lot of attention from passers by”.

Regular readers will not be surprised to learn that we have already been inundated by fans of Big Dan - mainly female fans we have to add - to find out just how realistic the hologram will be…

Justin or Justout?

Waterford hurler, Dan Shanahan, has backed Cork native and Waterford manager Justin McCarthy to stay in the post. Waterford lost recently to Limerick in the semi-final of the All Ireland hurling championship - Ireland’s premier sporting competition. Hurling is an ancient game believed to have been played back in the earliest times when Ireland was just discovered.

Mr Shanahan said: ‘I would be definitely in favour of Justin staying on. He had done a huge amount for Waterford hurling, and thanks to him, we’ve won three Munster titles and the National League this year. There’s nothing that Justin doesn’t know about hurling. When Justin came to Waterford we had hardly any All-Stars, but thanks to him, we now have about 10 awards. Some people may feel that a new manager would be a plus for the team, but it’s not as if he could wave a magic wand, and guarantee us winning the All-Ireland next year.’

Hurling is a game played by teams of fifteen players. They attempt to strike a small leather covered ball between two posts using ash sticks known as camans or hurleys. Dan Shanahan is one of Ireland’s Most Valuable Players (MVP) and has delivered more three pointers and assists in the in-goal zone than any other player in the premiership.

(Thanks to our American intern for this contribution amongst others. Can’t write much can he?)

Kerry Fans to Look the Part in Croker

Kerry’s unprecedented surge in demand for tickets for the semi-final has been put down to their increased confidence, self esteem and enhanced self worth. And, that is all thanks to Squareball. The youthful and funky clothing brand recently put pen to paper in a deal that allows Quills to sell the gear in Kerry and Cork.

Kerry fans normally don’t travel to All Ireland semi-finals as they want to keep the good clothes nice for the final. Now, Kerry people in their droves have been buying up Squareball products so they look the part when they get up to Dublin.

The Kingdom have received 14,500 tickets for Sunday’s glamour tie with the Dubs, compared to 11,000 for the 2005 final when Tyrone kicked their ass.

Prominent Kerryman Tomas O Crohan said: ‘We are abs-o-loot-lee delighted to have got our hands on this Squareball stuff. Tis mighty altogether now. In other years we headed above to Dublin on the train looking like yokels. Yerra, we have put that behind us now, and their likes will never be seen again. This time we may even get some of them women that live above there to look at us sideways.’

Squareball Stockists - Get Geared Up for September

Talking Balls has asked our readers before to get behind the mothership that is Squareball - after all if there was no Squareball - there’d be no Talking Balls! If you want to avail of a real retail experience and touch up our lovely gear in person before buying it, why not visit one of our stockists. Otherwise visit us online - you know you’re always welcome.

Just to remind you, new stockists include Quills in Cork and Kerry; EJ Menswear in Sligo - the stuff has been flyin off the shelves there; and not to be outdone we are fashion missionaries to South Derry - Squareball is on sale in Tommie McGrath Menswear on Main Street Maghera, sir!

For full details: http://www.Squareball.com/shop/help.php?section=stockists

O’Leary No Sweat

Hours after appearing in the Sunday Tribune looking like an extra from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Cork’s hardman half back Noel O’Leary delivered a telling blow to Graham Geraghty’s jaw and Meath’s Championship hopes. For most mortals, administering such a decisive dig in the jaw would have resulted in an early bath. Not so for the boul Noel. Ref Brian Crowe decided that hitting Geraghty only merited a yellow card, a view he repeated when sent a clip of the punch by the Central Competition Controls Committee (CCCC).

Under new guidelines, the Central Competition Controls Committee (CCCC) are entitled to review controversial incidents and contact referees to determine if they were satisfied with how they dealt with them.

If Ref Crowe had changed his mind, tough guy O’Leary would have missed the All Ireland because he has previous - he kicked popular Kerry player Paul Galvin in the Munster Final and saw red.

Geraghty had no complaints really - well he couldn’t after dishing out similar treatment earlier in the summer. Despite his hard ass reputation Geraghty looks positively cherubic next to O’Leary whose unfeasibly sturdy sideburns add to his air of hick menace - a bit like Tom in Fr Ted. Noel was understandably elated at the news he got off scot free: ‘It’s mighty, I’m delighted with it. I had a fear this could roll on into next week, which wouldn’t have been ideal preparation, so it’s mighty to have the news. We have three and a half weeks free now to prepare for the All-Ireland final.’

Mighty.

Fixtures Ard Fheis Planned

The PTB have called a special ard fheis to discuss streamlining club and county activity. Presumably they are trying to avoid the situation where any team that gets the remotest whiff of championship success promptly cancels club fixtures until the new year.

Talking Balls experience is that it is virtually impossible for players and managers to make any plans for their lives outside gaelic and athletic because the CC basically don’t seem to think anyone has a life outside gaelic and athletic. So fixtures? Thick and fast they come at last and more, and more and more.

One casualty seems to be the nine county top tier for hurling in the league as well as the plan to give Munster and Leinster champions a place in the All Ireland semi finals. Waterford would have liked that we think! It also seems to rule out the plans of Antrim’s media obsessed chairman John McSparran who called for two six team top tier divisions (one to include Antrim of course) that would play five matches home and away. In a tremendously prolix piece of thinking the statement from Antrim states: ‘In last year’s National League, Antrim had only 2 home matches, the year before they had 3. 5 home matches in 2 years in the National League do nothing for promoting hurling in Antrim, never mind Ulster.’ (Talking Balls link: www.hoganstand.com/Antrim/ArticleForm.aspx?ID=82280)

Firstly, while we appreciate the point he is trying to make, how do you play 0.5 of a hurling match? I suppose with Dr McSparran anything is possible. Secondly, Antrim playing more league matches isn’t going to promote hurling in Ulster, nor for that matter is other counties playing more league matches. The Ulster Council has developed an excellent club competition to promote hurling - the Ulster League - that has thrown up a series of tasty matches and new rivalries - yet it is under threat because the County Committees in places like Derry quite simply ignore it. The fixtures for the Ulster League are impossible to accommodate with other fixtures. More national league games will increase the problem. Do Antrim players need another five matches with all the attendant pressures on players? Paraic Duffy has a hell of a job on his hands. But in Ulster, promotion of hurling isn’t just about Antrim.

Bitch Slap for the Media

Talking Balls occasionally takes a sideways glance at other foreign sports, as regular readers will know. Indeed there is nothing like a bit of riding now and then to concentrate the mind.

This week proved no less interesting as top female jockey Jessica Kuerten shocked the horsey set by describing the Irish media as ‘a pack of assholes.’

This is not the sort of language we expect from the horsey set and nor do they judging by the reaction of the Irish Equestrian people.

Meanwhile at her house, husband Eckardt Kuerten said: “My wife is not communicating with anybody from Ireland. She is not interested in speaking to any Irish newspapers.”

Just as well he’s German then really.

Ladies Footballers Box Clever

TG4 and the lovely ladies football people are really putting it up to the camogs following news that the popular Irish language station is to screen both senior semi-finals and - in a further twist of the knife - both intermediate semi finals.

First up Cork and Laois in Portlaoise followed by IFC semi-final between Tipperary and Wexford. The week after they will show Mayo and Tyrone at Breffni Park, also featured is the second intermediate semi-final between Clare and Leitrim.

Compare this for example with the recently played Junior Camogie semi final, featuring Antrim and Derry, played at the supporter and media friendly time of 7.00pm on a Sunday evening in Dunloy.

Media analyst Lisa Medanayt said: ‘There is a tremendous opportunity for the camogie people to improve their marketing and media coverage. It is an excellent product with great potential for television coverage on the likes of Setanta or TG4, even if RTE aren’t interested. What the camogie people need to do is sit down with someone that knows the sector and talk turkey. Is anyone seriously trying to tell me for example that the Cork camogs are any less of a team than their ladies football team.’

Well said Lisa, couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

Limerick to Repeat Munster Big Screen Moment?

The PTB in Limerick have announced that the All Ireland Final will be beamed live onto a massive screen to be erected in Limerick City Centre. Europe’s biggest screen will show the match live to those in the city that can’t get tickets.

Fans of oval balls will recall the unprecedented scenes in Limerick during the Munster v Biarritz Heineken Cup Final. The scenes of 70,000 fans in Main Street Limerick were shown live on the big screen in The Millennium Stadium in Cardiff - in turn driving the Munster players on to victory and more Munster madness and attracting criticism in equal part from the vanquished Biarritz.

Limerick city could do with a boost following press coverage of a spoof Bord Failte ad on youtube that presents the City as a crime ridden, piebald pony infested den of iniquity rather than the sporting capital of the South West. This on the back of Aer Fungus’s decision to pull out of Shannon and head up the road to the Nort.

The big screen appears thanks to Limerick City Council, Limerick County Council, Shannon Development and the Limerick GAA County Board. City mayor Ger Fahy said: ‘Limerick remains synonymous with sporting endeavours and the entire city and county are rallying behind our hurlers. A large number of passionate supporters, especially families, cannot get tickets to the game so we decided to bring the thrills of Croke Park to the streets of Limerick by erecting the big screen.”

Limerick County Council chairman Cllr Kevin Sheahan said: ‘The team has captured the imagination of the sporting public with their determination, spirit and never-say-die approach which has restored a sense of pride in Limerick hurling. I have no doubt the team will do us proud on the day and bring back the elusive All-Ireland hurling crown.”

Limerick players hurlers Mark Foley, Brian Murray, Michael Fitzgerald and Pat Tobin along with Limerick Co Board chairman Denis Holmes attended the big screen launch. Mark Foley said: “It is a great boost for the team to know that people who cannot get to the game will be able to see it on the streets of Limerick and will be hopefully cheering us to victory.”

Note for anyone thinking of watching the match in Limerick that day: no alcoholic drinks will be allowed. Hopefully a Limerick victory will be an intoxicating enough brew…

Golden Years Base Metal

Ger reflects on Meath and Cork - for once he was wrong. He casts a dispassionate and dismissive eye over the glory years and expresses his dislike for Puke presenter Pat Spillane.

I had a quiet enough week there now, after all the shenanigans over the last few weekends with the football and hurlin on in Croke Park - jaze I was up and down that road. I thought the wife was goin’ te kill me for bein’ away so much and betimes she’d have a list of things to do the length of yer arm. Not this time - I think maybe she’s happy enough to get me out of the house.

I called in to Newry to watch Derry and the Dubs playin hurlin’ - I knew a fella from Dublin once blocked a sliotar with his forehead and had the mark of the ball on his head for a fortnight afterwards. He looked like that fella in the Guinness Ad. My opinion now of Derry hurlin’ wouldn’t be great but I’ll tell ye straight now, they did well and they put it up to them Dubs in the second half. The Dubs were great to watch now in the first half - they were full of them big f***in DJ Carey handpasses he learned of yer man Ducksie Walsh in the handball alley. I was trying to explain to our camogs that for added power they should use the whole forearm rather than just the wrist. Well the sniggerin’ and goin’ on I had to listen to. One wide the Dubs hit in the first half - ye’d a thought they had them lasers on their hurls the way them balls was flyin over. The first touch was unreal - time and again they killed the balls stone dead in the air and to be fair now Derry did fierce well to be in touch at half time. Dublin were a big strong team full of pace with the skills to go with it. And their supporters weren’t the usual gobshites that people think ye get at Dublin games - fair f***s te them.

The other thing I have to say is I arrived a bit early at Newry with new bypasses and parking and whatnot. There was a match on that I only found out after a while was the police against the Post Office Workers. I know boys that loved playin’ rugby in the north and in the south cos it gave you a chance every so often to get a slap at an oul peeler and it legitimate. I have to say now, I wasn’t that sure about these fellas playing football or hurlin’ but I suppose Nickey Brennan and them lads tells us we have to move on. One things for sure - they could do with a bit of coachin’ - I dunno what the score was but it wasn’t good.

Anyway, the reason I was goin’ to Dublin was to watch Cork and Meath. I thought Meath would bate Cork handy enough to be honest with ye now, but I was wrong and there’s not often that happens. The Cork midfielders Kavanagh and Murphy - jaze they cleaned out the Meath men big style. I suppose Bray and the boys thought they’d have her handy enough with Meath winnin ball in midfield after Tyrone but sure against Tyrone they might as well been markin’ our cat for all the damage they faced. Bray too wasn’t good - big Canty had the hex on him - he played none. Billy Morgan pulled an oul rabbit out of the hat too pulling big Cussen up the pitch - he won some ball too and he’s not justa big long string of piss either. He left plenty room inside for them boys O Connor and Goulding. The fella McMahon was chancy enough now with his goal - twas a bit of an oul spinner as me uncle Michael used to call them when a man got a hand on it - in them days though ye needed some hand to spin a big brown ball tho’. For all the chat about the Cork full forward line bein’ shite and Meath’s bein’ great it turned the opposite and I was certain Meath would cause big problems. Just shows ye what a bit of space can do. If Masters can get his jaw fixed by hook or by crook there’s be great competition now for the final.

I was wonderin’ mesel at the match why Geraghty had a quiet match - fellas were saying he got hit and I couldn’t believe that. I like Geraghty now, he’s a cheeky hateful hoor but that’s what ye need. We had a fella once - also called Graham funnily enough - he used to stand on boys ankles when they were waitin the ball to come in, he’d grab handfuls of hair and not up top if you get my drift. The chat out of him would have soured milk - he was the most offensive bollix I ever met. Wile smell of him too - he made a point of not washin the week before big games and he would go out and work round the farm and maybe get an oul bit of fox dung or something the dog had rolled in to make the whole thing worse. Got so bad for the championship one time we had to get him to change out in the car - when he came in the whang was f***in rank altogether. We’d this dainty cub that was playin corner forward hittin frees and the like and he puked his ring up in the changin’ room before we went out it got so bad. The ladies loved the look of this fella, all glistenin’ legs, blondie hair bit of oul stubble, fair looking oul package too from far off - wore shorts that was too tight in reality - but ye see soon as they got near him? Anyway, Geraghty reminds me a bit of yer man - both of them ye’d like them on yer team cos they put the opposition off mentally and physically. That Geraghty man throws more punches than Barry McGuigan - he beats Dubs, his own teammates - you name it. I was wonderin then why he was so quiet and it was only that night that I saw on the telly - that O’Leary fella that looks like a f***in looper nailed him. How that boyo stayed on the pitch bates me - and then when he was subbed him and Billy Morgan high fivin’ like two basketballers in the ghetto.

So Cork’s through now. I’m not lookin forward much to this weekend. I toul ye before I don’t like the nasty side of the Dubs supporters and the ticket I have is back in the box again with them ones I fell out with. Unlike all these reporters writin’ books and articles about Kerry and Dublin down the years, I don’t wear rosy tinted glasses. Truth be told them matches were a bag of shite compared to what was about now - my young fella thinks they were great - he was rared on them. Kevin Moran hoorin’ up the pitch; Sean Doc burstin all round him on the way out with the ball. Paidi Se runnin about like a f*** escaped chimp. Everyone chats about Mikey Sheehy and that goal - I reckon Sheehy did that once and would never have done it again if he’d tried. He was like a God to youngsters then tho’. The other rule that was shite was the handpassin - them boys runnin about and throwin’ the ball into the goals - sure it was like that handball them Europeans play.

As for that opinionated, big jawed, shite talkin’ bogdaw of a bollix Pat Spillane? Well, he’s the memory of a f***in goldfish. Puke football he talks about? I’m no fan of Tyrone but thon fella sees what he wants and forgets the rest. He welcomed back the kick there a few weeks ago - I now what kick he’d welcome. Again’ Tyrone in ‘86 I froze the tape on the machine plenty of times and there’s twelve Kerrymen inside their own 45 including Spillane inside his own 21 and him running out with the knees flyin up in the air as if he had a bit of dog shite stuck on his boot. He could kick points to be fair but RTE should reminder that hoor - he’s well past his sell-by date to me. I was talking to some of them Kerry fellas and none of them can stand Spillane because of his big mouth. Ogie Moran won’t speak to him at all. He’ll be full of piss and wind on Sunday if Kerry win - the saviours of football thanks be to jaze! If the Dubs win tho’ I expect he’ll enjoy just as much slaggin the hole of the Kerry team. Either way, if they ever invite me onto that panel - and I swear this to ye now and they’ll be showin it on Clive James on television, It’ll be alright on the night and all them other shows - I will give Spillane the almightiest sorest boot in his hole live on television that was ever seen. I can just see the big rosie cheeks when the hobnailer lands square on his arse. And the other boy that’s goin’ to get a slap is that Antony Davis lad. Is there no-one else in Cork can talk about football other than that boy?

Truth be told now, I don’t have a pile of time for the Dubs either but I made a pact with mesel not to be slaggin them off again because to be fair - I like them Brogans and Sherlock - they were better against Derry than I thought so I’m givin’ them a chance. The match-up to watch is in midfield - O Se again’ Whelan. I reckon O Se will shade that just about but that’ll be where the game can be won or lost. That and the Kerry full-forward line - I think the Dubs defence is leaky and looked suspect again’ Derry. If Kerry’s in touch in the last five - and I mean if they’re not already winning - then I think they’ll be playin’ Cork. Somehow I can’t see the Dubs holding them back - and if they do they might win the whole thing and then we’ll have to listen to that. But sure it couldn’t be as bad as listenin’ to Spillane.

While I’m in Dublin I’m goin’ to see the Dan Shanahan hologram - him and Joe Deane’s in some fancy oul play in Grafton street. Never knew them boys could act but sure it’ll keep me out of the bar for a while!

This week, brief and to the point. We hope Meath win the All Ireland - after all Graham Geraghty is a misunderstood young(ish) man and he deserves redemption.

Davy Fitz’s exile could be over as Tony Considine sleeps with the fishes after being shafted by the mafia in the Clare Co board - yet to tell him he is no longer a made guy.

We take a look at ladies football and camogie - things are hotting up on the tottie front so we will have to sit up straight and pay attention. Chicks with sticks and girls with balls. Next you know there will be wild animals on the loose in Tyrone as well as in the Kingdom.

Derry minnows take on Dublin in the U-21 All Ireland semi-final. Can they do it? Yes they can.

We hail Roy Keane and his comments on WAGS not that it pleases our own and we review the shameful broadcasting performance of the BBC - cos our games aren’t good enough and by the way no-one’s interested in them. Meanwhile, Banty wrestles with the words to describe how he feels.

If you notice a snake in your trousers, you must be living in Omagh - set it free. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.

The Shaft of the Banner

Shafted Clare manager Tony Considine, who - in case you haven’t noticed - wears the most fashionable glasses in the gaelic and athletic sorority, has hit out at the County Board who shafted him the other night in the manner of Peter Cushing dispatching Christopher Lee’s Dracula - in the time honoured fashion of course - with a stake through the heart of Clare hurling.

Obviously pissed off Considine revealed on the wireless that the Clare Board hadn’t yet notified him of the decision.

“This was a thing that was set up completely. This was kangaroo court style stuff. They had the people to do the execution and if they didn’t do it they would have been probably executed themselves.”

Obviously there are some lengths to which a manager will not stoop - Considine revealed that one route to survival was to ‘bow and kneel down’ and advised his would be successor to ‘mind your back’. He also called the county board mafia but more of that next week.

“I’m not the only one that this has happened to in Clare. There was a management team there before the previous management that happened as well. What has gone on in Clare has been absolutely ridiculous. It is time for other people to look at themselves and get out of their positions. I had a load of lads that wanted to play for me. To me players are players. It doesn’t matter who they are. I never put one player over another. Every player is the same to me. They all have to do the business that is there. Every manager goes out to do his best, the same as every player goes out to do his best. This is more than hurling.”

Showing a welcome sense of reality, he added: ‘Life goes on and I’ll go on and more than likely get involved in hurling again at some stage. Hurling is a bigger than any of us. We didn’t invent it, it was something which was handed down to us and we will hand down again and hopefully hand it down right.’

Any odds then that Considine resurfaces a bit further north with his old mate and golfing partner Ger Loughnane as they reprise the magic they created with Clare in the nineties.

Oaks Clash Ash with Dubs

Unlikely Ulster U-21 hurling champions face the might of Dublin in the All Ireland semifinal in Saturday evening. The prize for the Oak leafers - a date in Croke Park on the same day as their camogie team. One of the great things about a success like this is the payback for some of the good guys involved. Brian McGilligan has been a legend in Derry for a long time on the back of his heroics in football including the ‘93 All Ireland success but he is a hurling man through and through. Aided and abetted by Sean Roe McCloskey these two decent skins stand on the edge of an appearance in an All Ireland Final.

Sean Roe didn’t miss too many points ahead of their date with destiny in Parc Esler in Newry on Saturday at 6.00pm.

‘Apart from ourselves, no one gave us a chance of beating Antrim in the Ulster final. They had done very well at minor level over the last two years, running Limerick and Galway very close, and they were the fancied side. However we felt that if we didn’t concede any goals early in the game, we were in with a chance, and that’s how it worked out. Antrim managed to get one very late in the game but we had the bit between our teeth and were not going to be beaten.’

‘It was a massive fillip for the game in a county where hurling is well down the pecking order. Dual involvement hasn’t helped, with players opting for the big ball game over the small ball. For instance Mark Lynch who played with the county seniors last Sunday against Dublin, is a very good hurler and would be on our team if he gave the commitment. We had very little preparatory work done going into the Ulster final, and only that 12 of the squad were in training with the senior hurlers, we could have been in serious trouble. The senior training was a godsend, and it showed in the way we played in that final.

‘Since then we’ve had to go our own way and with club championship matches impinging on our training, it has not been easy getting ready for this game against Dublin. Three players were involved on Monday night with their clubs and that is not the way for a county team to prepare for an All-Ireland semi-final.’

‘We’ll have no fear of Dublin, even though they looked very good in seeing off Offaly in the Leinster final. They’ll be clear favourites but if, like in the Ulster final, we don’t concede any early goals, we’ll be in with a great chance.’

‘There is a lot of work being done on the ground for the game in Derry. We’ll go into the game confident we can get a result. Dublin may, like Waterford did last Sunday against Limerick, underestimate us. If they do it could be very costly for them.’

No disrespect to Dublin hurling, but Derry needs it more than they do. Whether they can earn it or not is another matter.

Four Riders of the Armagh Eclypse

Sources in apple country reveal that there are four contenders for the large manager’s seat left vacant by Joe Kernan.

The four are Paul Grimley, latterly of Cavan backroom fame; John Rafferty, Big Joe’s right hand man this year - famous for telling the St Gall’s men to get up off their knees in an All Ireland Club semi final dressing room; U-21 manger Peter McDonnell and former Cross manager Michael McConville.

The four have been interviewed and will have the onerous job of ensuring that the Orchard men aren’t eclipsed over the next couple of years by the resurgent men from Monaghan and Derry.

The new man is expected to be announced later this month or in early September.

Talking Balls is tipping Rafferty for no other reason than his ‘tackle don’t foul’ mantra is one of the most eloquent statements made in recent times by a gaelic and athletic manager and most effective.

Cooper the Snake

News has reached our plush Omagh bureau of a ten foot boa constrictor on the loose in the town. Our big gay office boy thought it was a big feather boa and got himself all hot and bothered but he’s like that.

The boa, called Cooper, apparently worked its way out of a tight corner on the Dublin Road and is proving elusive to recapture.

Now then, slippery customer, called Cooper cutting itself loose in the Dublin region, wreaking havoc? Sound familiar? Indeed - surely this is an omen. These portents can only mean one thing - the Kingdom for Sam.

Incidentally, Talking Balls has also heard about a big wild hoor of a gorilla that’s escaped, last seen marauding around the place, thumping people willy nilly and getting away with it - the silliest lookin’ big grin you ever saw, he’s great at catching grapefruits too with his big oversize hands. Yes, Whelan’s the name. If you see him, approach with caution.

Pillar Kicks the Fada Out of It

Popular All Ireland winning Dublin manager Pillar Caffrey swung his big size twelve into action thereby announcing the start of the 2007 MBNA Kick Fada.

The competition takes place on Saturday, September 8th at Bray Emmets GAA Club, Bray, Co. Wicklow.

Mayo player Fintan Ruddy will be back to defend his title and to attempt to break the current All Ireland and World record of 72 metres, achieved by four time MBNA Kick Fada champion Mark Herbert from Kildare. Talking Balls knee is a-flarin’ up at the thought of the exertion required to kick a size five O’Neills 72 metres. The horror, the horror.

Football’s equivalent to the Poc Fada, the MBNA Kick Fada competition, tests the abilities of the countries best footballers to kick for distance and accuracy. It is believed that Armagh’s Paul Hearty will not be entering this year.

Suzanne Holmes, Communications Manager, MBNA Ireland said at the launch:

‘This competition is completely unique and over the past eight years has tested the skills of the country’s greatest Gaelic footballers.’

In return for plugging MBNA shamelessly Talking Balls has had the interest on its credit card cancelled for eternity. Yes, no longer will we be charged exorbitant interest on our unfeasibly large bill, brought about by an addiction to gaelic games leading to travel and stays in expensive hotels the length and breadth of Ireland during the Qualifiers. MBNA we love you.

Ladies Playing with the Big Balls

Shock and awe last weekend when Tyrone Ladies, powered by a hat-trick from full forward Gemma Begley beat rivals Armagh to make their debut in the All Ireland semi finals.

Looking smart with Strathroy Fresh Milk splashed across their shirt fronts - what a great marketing idea that was - the Tyrone team overturned their Ulster Final defeat to knock last year’s beaten All Ireland finalists out.

Meanwhile All Ireland Champions Cork face the ‘Jackies’ as the female Dubs have christened themselves.

The Rebelettes are aiming to win three consecutive Senior All Ireland titles the first county to so do, since Kerry won their ninth title in a row in 1990.

Cork star Breige Corkery said: ‘The game against Dublin is going to be fierce tough. They are a very physical side and we will have to be on top of our game to beat them. The key for us will be defending further up the pitch at the half-forward line. If we can defend from the front, hopefully we can stop them getting any rhythm going and then impose our game on them.’

In the other quarter-final of Saturday’s double header at Wexford Park, virginal lilywhites Kildare take on Laois in a reprise of the Leinster Final.Both of Saturday’s quarter-finals will be broadcast live on TG4. Talking Balls has the video set although our jury is still out on girls playing with big balls - one of our team of intrepid reporters is certain the pitch is too big for them and you know what ill fitting things do for the ladies - nothing.

Ladies Playing with Wee Balls

Wexford bate Galway 2-18 to 0-14 in Nowlan Park on Saturday 11th August to earn their place in the Gala All Ireland camogie Final. Team captain Kate Kelly led the charge with an impressive personal tally of 1-11.

In the second semi-final Cork beat old rivals Tipp 2-11 to 0-9 winners in the fourth championship meeting of the sides this year.

This weekend Waterford take on Clare in the Junior All Ireland semi - the winners going through to play Derry in Croke Park in September.

In comparison to the ladies football, which in addition to live coverage on TG4, has turned up on Setanta during the week, none of these camogie matches were broadcast live. Only for our good friends in the Sunday Game, the high level of skill exhibited and the excellent point taking would be left to our over active and highly fertile imagination. Imagining things about camogs however is bad for most people especially now they have taken to wearing those skort yokes we have mentioned before.

Maybe next year there will be parity of esteem for the chicks with sticks - no matter what way you stack it up - girls playing with small balls is more attractive than girls playing with big balls. To us anyway.

Banty Breakdown

Monaghan manager emptied the cliché tank on Sunday after their unfortunate but somehow inevitable defeat by Kerry. Describing himself as ‘gutted,’ he said the lads had ‘emptied the tank’ - the outcome felt as if someone had ‘ripped his heart out and showed it to him still beatin’,’ or words to that effect. Leaving nothing on the pitch, the Monaghan gave their all, but that ultimately wasn’t enough.

Talking Balls understands that such visceral language has brought Banty to the attention of legendary film producer Quentin Tarantino, who is believed to have stumbled upon Banty’s colourful description of his fate whilst researching a film about Ireland. It is understood the film will now include a sequence where Mr White and Blue plays Mr Green and Gold in a winner takes all game of hard to understand rules with a villainous referee - ending at the last possible minute in a brutal orgy of violence and passion as Mr Green and Gold tears open Mr White and Blue’s chest cavity to rip his heart away from the surrounding viscera and shove it in Mr White and Blue’s face.

Meanwhile, showing none of the eloquence of fellow Monaghan man Patrick Kavanagh, John Connolly Monaghan Chairman picked up the theme: ‘Seamus is gutted. He takes it that way. He’s a passionate man, but he will pick up the pieces.’

‘Take another little piece of my heart now baby,’ cried the unfortunate Banty. ‘I am absolutely gutted,”

Meanwhile, speaking about McEneaney some forty or fifty years ago, Patrick Kavanagh said:

He was an ordinary man, a man full of humour

Born for no high sacrifice, to be no marble god;

But all the gods had failed that harvest and someone spread the rumour

That he might be deluded into taking on the job

And they came to him in the spring

And said: you are our poet-king.

Banty thought Monaghan were full prepared for the job in hand and had every chance of beating the Kingdom: ‘We came here really well prepared for the game. I felt leaving Carrickmacross this morning there was no team ever left Monaghan as ready as this team was. Very focused, very calm, tunnel vision for the job in hand. We threw everything at Kerry and just fell short in the last few minutes.’

He added: ‘I saw the danger, yet I walked along the enchanted way, and I said to the lads afterwards, let grief be a falling leaf at the dawning of the day.’

RTE and Setanta - Heroes of Old Ireland: BBC - Wasters

With RTE gaining the plaudits for their wall-to-wall coverage of matters gaelic and athletic in recent weeks including the unprecedented steps of simultaneous match coverage on RTE 1 and RTE 2, followed by two triple headers not to mention full Technicolor radio coverage on every band possible courtesy of Jimmy Magee and Michael o Muircheartaigh and co, as well as innovative online coverage… (breathless pause…)

Meanwhile… relative newcomers Setanta have come to the rescue of the diaspora with a similar feast of games not to mention a delectable menu of midweek repeats for Satellite viewers on the Emerald Isle. So much so that Talking Balls has been sitting on our collective hole in our busy office, clocking up hour upon hour of highly lucrative overtime watching such delights as ladies football with commentary in English - not much good knowing their names as gaeilge if you meet them out on the lash - full coverage of minor championship matches and - the cream on the pudding and the icing on the cake - full-on explicit repeats of the hurling classics from the summer of 07. And it pissin’ rain outside, sure what else would you be at? Even you were at home, the wife, or girlfriend or indeed boyfriend/partner (ahem) couldn’t be chasing you out the door to cut the grass or paint the window frames. A life on an office sofa bought on the drip from a discount furniture store near you.

And what of the British Broadcasting Corporation - what have they to offer licence holders - the armchair gaelic and athletic personage with his well padded derriere and finger flicking remote control hand? SFA - no not Scottish football and the sad to-ings and fro-ings of Rangers and Celtic against inept, hapless outfits from the outer reaches of Scots life - no nothing. The Championship was axed due to poor audience figures - this from the organisation that brought us live coverage of the Twelfth of July Celebrations? We’re not being controversial but surely anyone who wanted to watch the march would have been at it rather than watching live coverage on the telly? It’s not as if there is a restriction on crowd numbers is there?

Ulster Runai Danny Murphy gave the Beeb a good bootin’ pointing out that these games are popular but sure what do the Beeb know. This the organization that employs Stephen Nolan. The only upside is that we are spared a load of McHughtery but we do miss professional Armagh man Jarlath Burns and his Tyrone sidekick Jerome Quinn. The lads gave Squareball a great plug too and thanks for that but the Beeb had the temerity to swing the axe when there were still three Ulster teams in the senior Championship and Antrim were going for the Tommy Cooper.

As the office WAG pointed out, maybe if more of you gaelic and athletic boys actually paid their licence fees there might be more on her box.

Keano -Retail Guru

Speaking of the Office WAG, in a rage she tore soccer star Roy Keane’s poster off the wall above her flat screen computer the other day. It’s the only flat thing round her desk we might add but that would be unfair and sexist.

In case you’ve missed it, Keano, Cork’s least controversial son and most working class hero, took a pop at the soccer players that didn’t want to move to Sunderland because the WAG wanted to go shopping. In a thinly veiled endorsement of Squareball and Talking Balls Keano revealed that good shoppin’ wouldn’t make him move anywhere - not even Turin or Milan. Obviously not if he’s moved to Sunderland. No, Keano would rather stay at home, walk Triggs and, presumably, shop online - which is where Squareball comes into it.

After this ringing endorsement of those who don’t leave the house to shop, Talking Balls can exclusively reveal that we are sending our new retail guru a complimentary Squareball tee shirt. What tee shirt will we send Keano?

Well, the tee-shirt with the most votes in our online poll will be sent off to the Stadium of Light with our compliments so let us know what you think. Vote early and often.

Will Keano get:

(a) Birds are Better at Football (he’ll give that one to the wife obviously)

(b) Hendrix was a Hurler (he’s from Cork didn’t you know?)

(c) Take Your Points and the Goals Will Come (a good slogan to keep afloat in the Premiership)

We will also be sending him a Club and County red hoodie to mark the red passions in his life - Cork, Man Utd, Sunderland and Mist.

A Good Sausage is a Very Fine Thing

Last weekend Ger spent his time watching the football and hurling from the comfort of the corporate sector in Croker. Prawn sandwich or musseled out of it? Read all about it.

I had some craic last week in Croker - the whole thing started out great guns. I was down grand an early - the cousin’s young fella was playin for Derry in the minor match so there I was standin at the oul box like a f***in bloodhound with me tongue hangin’ out. I had the worst drouth on me from atin’ salty oul rashers in one of them fancy B&Bs up the Drumcondra road. Jaze I don’t know why people in this country don’t have dacent sausages when they’re makin’ the oul fry. The things this doll served up to me looked like a whippet’s boyo - long, thin and mean with the skin bursted at the end. The eggs was fried to a crisp and the black puddin was like a f***in ice hockey poc it was that hard. There was an oul lad with me from Tourmakeady - I couldn’t understand a word he said and I’ve a bit of the oul gaelic but this fella had to take his teeth out and leave them on the side of his plate after doing the rounds with the black puddin’. Next thing the wee Polish doll servin’ us came in and cleared the whole job into a yella basin. You wanta hear the roars of yer man, and sure even she could speak gaelic she wudn’t understood an him with no teeth. At that point we left, the Bean a Ti was a sour oul’ bitch, looked a bit like Margaret Thatcher, ceptin Thatcher was better lookin in her day. Sure’s thing this oul wan - and she wasn’t a Dub hersel - had had enough of drunk fans. There was a pile of boys in the week before from Tyrone and I think one of them was up half the nite tryin to coort the wee Pole. No chance.

Anyway, when the oul corporate box was opened up, the fella took one look at me and asked me did I want some Gin. Now I’ll tell ye, drinkin’ that stuff before noon is the stuff of alcos - even Winston Churchill only drank champagne in the morning so I stuck to an oul pint of stout. Things were goin’ grand - the Derry lads won their game tho’ it wasn’t handy. The wee lad Mullan kicked a great oul score off his left to win her and I suppose it was all they deserved after that oul blind umpire shafted them in Clones.

The stout was slippin’ down nicely durin’ the hurlin’ too so when the Dubs came out to play Derry I was in grand oul tune. I thought now if Derry could get about fifteen or sixteen scores agin the Dubs they could win but what surprised me was the way the Dub forward set about the Derry backline. To me McGuckian always looked under that wee bit of pressure, and Lockhart too. Pace, like bein’ good lookin’ ye can’t buy. Derry brought that fella Bradley on and I thought now, to be honest with ye, he was cat. He never passed the ball once as far as I could see. For the two goal chances the first time sure he booted the ball straight where the keeper could get it and the second one he didn’t move his feet. All this chat about Cluxton the great keeper - me hole - he didn’t even have to move to save the shot. Paddy Crozier shoulda bit the bullet and hauled Bradley off again - I would and I woulda said no harm son but ye’re not at Championship pace. Whatever he’s been at, ye need matches and ye need to be sharp. We saw it with Mulligan and he’s been playin all summer. These fellas don’t do it on purpose but if you’re there, and I’m f***in sick, sore and tired telling fellas this - ye have to make a difference. That means making something happen. What happened on Saturday? Nahin.

The game was great now - the referee was shite, tho’ Derry got no scorable frees in the first half? Come on now Mangan - who ye kiddin’ there? I’m not really from Ulster mesel and there’s many the hoor up there I despise but there’s some decent people too and they deserve their frees like the next man. Anyway, things was goin’ great, the stout was flowing - I dunno what yer man Keane thinks about prawn sandwiches but they were mingin’ but the next thing the Dubs start booing a Derry free. Now there’s nothing sticks in my craw more than hoors that know nahin about anything booin at matches - most of them supporters only come in cos there’s no soccer in, I’m sure of that tho there’s many’s a dacent oul’ Dub knows his football and maybe his hurlin’ too. Well this lad in front of me had a young fella of about five or six - same age as the grandson - and he starts up the booin’ and hissin like that oul snake I hear’s on the tear up in Omagh. I toul yer man, ‘shut yer mouth with yer booin ye hoor ye or I’ll boot ye in the hole.’ Next thing the boy tells me to ‘eff away off back up to the North.’ Well I don’t like gobshitery and I don’t like fellas with no manners and all the things I don’t like mixed in with a few pints of stout that I do like - well before I knew I had yer man by the scruff of the neck over the railing an him danglin’ ‘don’t talk to me like that ye bollix ye’ sez I.’ Well that ended the booing, good night Irene and end of story. Next thing, the boy in charge comes tearin’ over and funny enough he took exception to yer man rather than me and had him removed for a while. Turned out I’d managed the fella at an oul University team somewhere years back.

The whole thing put a bit of a dampener on the trip for a while, but that night we moved on to a fancy oul hotel in the City somewhere. I had a few oul stout so it didn’t matter much to me where we stayed. We ended up in an oul club somewhere drinkin stuff that smelt like it was brewed in the sheugh of a donkey’s hole with a load of young ones runnin about and them half bare. I’ll tell ye if I’d'a been forty years younger there’d a been some sport.

Next day, back up to Croker, no drouth - I had a continental breakfast no less and some fruit. Very f***in European alright. Saturday was for the craic but Sunday was some sport now I’ll tell ye. Me oul mate Richie Bennis, now he’s done some turnaround with Limerick. I remember goin’ on a siege of Limerick with him once a year or two ago and he toul me in green and white what needed done with Limerick hurlin’. He reckoned that them boys that play rugby could be a great asset if they got off their holes and supported the hurlers- ‘Limerick people love sport - luckit JP,’ Well. Y’know what? He was right. I sez to him, ‘if you get boys and get them fit, and get them with the right attitude and that attitude is why not me rather than some other bollix over the road, well, ye’ll be in business big style. Just look at them boys from Tyrone in 2003.’

If ever a prophesy came true it was last Sunday in Croker. Justin McCarthy’s a great fella, a great hurlin’ man and I’m sure this week he’s takin off the oul baseball cap and scratching the oul head wonderin’ what went wrong. Well, apart from playing three games in fourteen days which was a big chore - Limerick sowed it into ye Justin. The number of times I saw Limerick huntin’ in packs - puttem under pressure that big twit Charlton used to say and you know what he was right. Limerick reminded me of Tyrone against Kerry in 2003. Three, four, five men hassling the man on the ball. Limerick won ball high up and low down and they were game for anything and everything - them two things won the day. O’Shaughnessy’s first goal came direct from a block down, his point to make it 1-4 to Limerick was from the sweetest clean catch up high ye ever saw. If any camogs is reading this shite - remember, and I always tell my girls this if you can reach out and grab a ball, grab it, that’s when the craic starts. Stick in one hand, ball in the other ye can’t go wrong. For Donie Ryan’s one handed double on the ball - Limerick was hunting in packs - the Waterford men was put under pressure in the full back line - what happened? They coughed up the sliotar, handpass and wham bam in the net by Donie.

Mullane and Flynn? Quiet games both them and the next thing they’re pulled off. I would say now that gave the Limerick fellas a brave lift - seeing them two boys go. Especially when Waterford got a free in Flynn territory. What else? Well big Dan the man had the shirt ripped and maybe even the trunks tore off him and it wasn’t a young one from up round Castledawson I met that fancies him that done it although by the chat of her in the bar I’d say she’d be a suspect any other time. No, Dan, like Mulligan the week before had a bad day goal wise. He’d'a traded all the days for just one chance, just one chance in Croker in early September I’d say - but Big Dan will be back, bigger, badder and better for it. As for O’Shaughnessy, what can ye say about the penalty. He’s in the army that lad is and when the orders came through to fire into the bottom corner that’s just what he did.

My only worry is that Limerick won’t have the firepower against the Cats but then I’m loath to say anything in case I fall out with Richie. Maybe Limerick’s pressure will work. Hope so. I’ll be watchin’ from the cheapseats - them oul Corporate boxes is grand but when the drink’s in the wits out and you never met a bigger shower of bollixes at a match than you do up there. Ye could be flat out kicking boys in the hole all day - ye’d never be done but then ye’d never get to see the match either.

I’m kinda half thinkin’ of going to that rugby world cup if I can get away. Next thing I hear, yer man O’Driscoll gets plugged by some French fella and has a busted cheekbone and is gonna miss a game. Why Ireland played a game against a team with a pile of Frenchmen and Argentineans a week before they play them countries in the competition is beyond me. Kinda accident waitin’ to happen and that O’Driscoll’s an unfortunate bein’ at the best of times. Serves him right for playin’ foreign games I reckon and you know what? I’m right.

The customer is always right… What they’ve said about us..

T shirts ordered Tuesday mid morning, arrived wednesday morning first thing…brilliant.
Any chance you could train our club back line to be as fast!!!

Many thanks,
jimi
5-12-2007

A Chara,

Apologies for the delay in the feedback, I had the form wrote up and all and sure the better half never posted it away for me.

Well, there are no complaints from this end whatsoever. I have ordered twice now and both times delivery was within a few days. Excellent, quick delivery, almost – but not quite – as quick as that little minor corner back I had to mark last weekend. And him only out of nappies… But that’s for another day…

Packaging was fine. Returns information was not needed but seemed pretty straight forward.

Been getting a few appreciative nods and winks while wearing them too. Mostly by fella’s. Dunno what way to take that.

The Hendrix one went down well at the weekend I was home for a game in Kilkenny, sure they thought it was the bee’s nuts. And we only lost by a point.

My personal favorite is “Take yer points…” I’d never be forgiven if I was to wear the Dubs Hill 16 one.

Looking forward to a few more new ones whenever yis get around to it. Maybe an oul “Go down on it”? I got roared that a few times meself – and I wont get all dirty telling yis twas a woman shouting it either.

Well keep up the good work, its great finally having some ‘cool’ gaa gear to wear – aside from the Lily White jersey of course, not that I get to wear that an awful lot lately either…

Good Luck and God Bless,
From a Lily in Aberdeen,

Paul Butler
15-08-2007

The shirt arrived promptly and as advertised, so very happy with the service. There were a few nice personal touches that show how you value customer satisfaction, and you’ve obviously a comedian or two in the office judging by the slogans and a couple of very witty follow up messages.

shane mcginty
11-08-2007

Just wanted to let u know that your whole online service has been great~ I am very happy with everything, particularly the packaging, it was v.professional. I also have to say that your hoodies are the best I have ever bought- my boyfriend has the ‘Club and County’ red hoody and it is amazing quality.

Paula r
11-08-2007

well i got 2 t-shirts for my boyfriend…hendrix was a hurler and the red gpap one. he loves them and so do all his friends. they are always asking where he got them but to be honest, i dont know if he tells them just because he doesnt want them haviing them. so my only advice would be to come up with alot more designs, just so there are more to choose from, and maybe then he will tell his friends where to get them with less chance of them getting the same ones.

well done so far and Good luck with everything in the future and i will be buying again soon i’m sure.

katie mc kinley
11-08-2007

I have to say the service is one of the most efficient I have come across. The T Shirt was a present and it went down a treat. I arrived in plenty of time and the packaging was fine there was not problem with it. The quality of the t shirt was really good sometimes you buy t shirts online and you would have been better off going to Penny’s but not yer ones. I have recommened your website to all my friend and I will definitely be back again to purchase. Best of luck with it.

siobhan foley
10-08-2007

The whole Squareball Customer Experience was great - easy to use website, efficient service, postage on time, no problems with packaging, t-shirts were better quality than expected and holding their own in the wibbly-wobbly world of washing machines…….and best of all, the double takes I’m getting on the captions, so keep ‘em coming!!! Keep up the good work, lads!

Rachel Barrett
10-08-2007

I’m more than happy to say that so far so good. I’m actually surprised to hear that you are only up and running a couple of weeks, hats off to you. I received my package today and everything looks in perfect order. Packaging was great, items are brill (still to try on), and delivery was spot on, couldn’t be happier. I especially like the notifying email I received yesterday saying the postman will have my order. Didn’t get it till the following order but it was a very nice touch indeed.

I have delved into the website too much, I will get to that in time but the site looks great. The selection of items is good but I hope you will continue with more designs, obviously the more you make up the more you sell.

Overall I’m extremely happy with everything and I’ve passed your link to my friends. I’ll be show casing your wears over the weekend so more publicity is guaranteed.

Gerard Milton
10-08-2007

I was very happy with all my dealings with squareball. The site looks and reads great, is easy to get around etc. The tshirt arrived when you said it would and all the details about being happy or returning it were very clear.

Anne Foley
14-06-2007

Did our stuff meet your expectations? Yes, it was excellent quality delighted with the hoodie
Are you happy with what you bought?
Is there anything we could do better? No I though it was a very efficient order and dispatch process
Did the stuff come in good time? yes same as with other online clothes companies
Was the packaging OK? yes i loved the squareball sheets - nice touch
Is there anything you’re not happy about? no everything was fine
Is our refund and replace info clear enough? yes it seemed very clear to me
Anything else we need to know? keep up the good work! release more items keep the momentum going…

Mo Mc Auley
12-06-2007

The guys love the shirts and I love the hoodie - everyone remarks on it and it is all so much nicer than a county jersey!!
I can’t fault you guys on the website and ordering and even better quick delivery.

Ciara McKeown
09-06-2007

Thanks for my gear which arrived promptly, earlier than i expected.
I will be wearing my Small MENS Hurley T-shirt tonight to Camogie club training but I’m looking forward to more styles in the ladies section. For now I look good in this who wouldn’t !
The customer experience: It has been thrilling to find a line of stylish clothing I identify with. The packaging grand, refund policy - I didn’t even have to check that out, the web site is good its on my favourites, overall you’ve done a great job. I just wish i’d thought of it first…

Adele McLoughlin
08-06-2007

Well done on your site. I was chuffed with my Hill t-shirts , must say went down very well on Sunday at the game (even though we got drenched)
Several people in bars beforehand asked me what the site was and were admiring it. Great to see something new and innovative in the Gaa t-shirt line.
Its such a simple idea and a sure fire winner.
Best of luck with the site and I’ll be keeping an eye for any new Dubs ones

Dave Fitzgerald
07-06-2007

Thank you for the delivery of your merchandise. I can only say that my daughter was delighted with her hoodie. The only problem in the house was that my 14 year old son wanted some too and we will return as customers as soon as possible. The item arrived so quickly that I was surprised and it was well packaged and all instructions about return were clear. May I congratulate you on a very clever idea and a quality product that will undoubtedly do very well. We will follow the development with interest and anticipation. The impressive aspect of the merchandise is its quality which is well finished and stylish - features which are not always bedfellowes.

Well done to all involved

Una Porteous
07-06-2007

got my t-shirt today in the post… very impressed with the quality of the product … in comparison to web rival …. and with speed of delivery

ciaran lennon
07-06-2007

Thanks for the great T-Shirt, quality is excellant and delivery was very prompt. Would definately recommend this to others.

Marty Drumm
06-06-2007

ITS BRILLIANT…..WHEN DO WE GET RED AND WHITE TOPS….for us Tyrone folk…

James Higgins
06-06-2007

the product was a quare job i got of you and the delivery was very quick and i have put a good word in for yous with the boys i play hurling with and anybody who asked me about the t-shirt
keep the dream alive

damien mcveigh
06-06-2007

This week in Talking Balls we look back over weekend of excitement. For some of our readers it will be a case of what might have been, for others a case of whatever they can get their hands on as they celebrate an unlikely victory. Hands up Meath and Wicklow.We reflect on the running sore of sectarianism hitting the headlines in Fermanagh but symptomatic of problems everywhere - is anything likely to be done?

As Babs heads for sunnier climes will Nicky English - much loved in Clare - take the reins at the Horse and Jockey or will John Leahy get the nod. As foot and mouth threatens farmers across the Irish sea, we look at events in 2001 and hope that the association
sees sense this time.

Big Dan’s the man as it’s back to the clubs for Donal Óg and co. Sorry to see ye go lads but hopefully the Cork championship will throw up a few good yarns. Meanwhile James Masters misses the rest of the season with a busted jaw but will he be seen on a sideline near you as a water boy?

Coker’s pitch earns rave reviews, sticking it out like never before. All we need is a U2 concert to really test its mettle.

This weekend as Monaghan and Derry prepare to topple Kerry and the Dubs we wonder can it really be? Will Meath pull ahead to land their eighth All Ireland, requiring another star on the back of their shirts. Time will tell.

This week Talking Balls comes to you courtesy of the Balmore Sports Bar in Drumnadrochit, Scotland, proud sponsors of the Glen Urquhart Shinty team, and therefore almost a gaelic and athletic establishment.

If you suffer from crushing disappointment, you must be from Antrim. For everyone else, there’s always Talking Balls.

Foot in Mouth No Threat as Masters is Bate

Ace Cork attacker - well OK then, Rebel corner forward James Masters - has tempted fate by predicted that the lacklustre Cork football team can win without him. His foot in mouth comment comes on the back of news of a broken jaw sustained in Saturday’s yawnfest at Croker. Initial reports suggest he had in fact cracked his mandible yawning, such was the puerile nature of the match, but he had in fact sustained a crack on the jaw. In a rare comic turn he has however offered to reprise Adam Sandler’s eponymous role as the Waterboy. There’ll likely be a few more bangs on the ear as the Rebels renew their rivalry with Meath, last seen in its heyday in the l’eighties and early nineties.

Master’s revealed: “I did ask the doctors about playing but they said there is no way I’ll be able to have any contact for a while. I don’t care whether I am playing or not. I just hope we can do it for the players and for Billy,” he said.

Meanwhile the Royals were at pains to talk up the threat from Cork. Talking Balls just can’t see it is ourselves having watched both games but what do we know. Head down and drive her on former Meath player Tommy Dowd reckons Cork will present a stronger physical challenge than the Tyrone dwarves did at the weekend. In a typical throwback comment to the days when Tyrone were constantly slated for their lack of physical threat, Dowd rather patronizingly added: ‘We’ll be up against a big, strong physical Cork team. They didn’t play particularly well against Sligo, but they just played as well as they had to. They’ll be ready for us, there is no doubt about that. We saw the first half of their game on Saturday and we felt they were only in second gear.

‘You couldn’t ask for any more from the team the way they played against Tyrone. I suppose that’s the way Colm Coyle played himself - hard, tough and fair. You try and instill that into the players and a never-say-die attitude. We kept going to the very end and while we were rocked a couple of time with goals, we finished out strongly again. I felt we could have won by more.’

Yes that’s Meath of old - hard, tough and fair led by the gnomic Sean Boylan, not, not we repeat, dirty, cynical cheats.

Foot and Mouth No Threat

After the unnecessary over-reaction in 2001, which we might add cost Tyrone a National League title and saw unprecedented victimization of people from the loughshore, Croker chief of disease control Peter McKenna said the GAA would be monitoring the situation very closely and would follow any guidelines laid down by the special task force which has been set up by the Minister for Agriculture Mary Coughlan in recent days. Mary was believed also to be recording a track about the disastrous outbreak in ‘01 for the annals of Irish Folk Music. Beards and wooly jumpers everywhere rejoyce.

In case you forgot, 2001 saw the bizarre situation where players from the loughshore weren’t allowed to play matches after an alleged outbreak of foot and mouth in Ardboe. Loup players Johnny McBride and Paul McFlynn were spotted in the stand at Omagh watched Derry. Evidently the PTB must think the Loup lads train on fields mired in cow shite and they never clean their boots, for all the sense it made in barring them from playing - the fact they turned up to watch made a mockery of the whole affair. Likewise Omagh CBS and St Michaels absurdly had to share the McRory Cup allowing Dominic Corrigan’s men to contest the Hogan Cup.

Never one to miss a trick the boul Dom also tried to gain an Ulster U-21 football title by foot and mouth related sleight of hand at the expense of Tyrone and one Mickey Harte. Mickey was having none of it and thus began a love in between them that lasts to this day. We’ll return to Dom’s record of sportsmanship with St Michael’s another day maybe. The Poly were given a covert nod and a wink to compete in the Sigerson Final in Monaghan as the University authorities had instituted a draconian scheme to stamp out foot and mouth among a student population traveling the length and breadth of Ulster. Bizarre or what?

So what can we expect this time? Talking Balls prediction - plenty of bullshit.

No Blacks, No Poles, No Protestants - Only Irish Play Please.

Talking Balls was appalled to hear that Fermanagh ‘Protestant’ Darren Graham announce he is jacking in the gaelic and athletic because of sectarian abuse - his return is however likely following a meeting of the Fermanagh County Board. Graham walked off the field of play after being on the receiving end of abuse from so called ‘gaels’ during a club game. No great surprise here - players from Eoghan Rua in Coleraine have told Talking Balls that they have regularly been called ‘orange’ and ‘black bastards’ by ‘true gaels’ from a minority of other clubs in Derry because of the location of the club in non-gaelic and athletic heartland.

As someone once said in the past, carrying a hurley in Cork meant you were a young fella going to a hurling match whereas carrying a hurley in parts of the North meant you were a target so it is disappointing to hear that there are still so many brain dead assholes following and indeed playing our games. Will referees deal with this? We suspect not. One young lad Talking Balls knows of, whose parent is what Martin Luther King would have called a negro, was called a ‘black bastard’ in a reference to his colour - the ref’s reaction? He asked the offender to apologise and shake hands but there was no question of him producing a card. Mentors on both side were obviously embarrassed but that was it.

As the association attempts to embrace the multiculturalism in Ireland that can only help it develop, how many ‘Polish b**tards, Latvian w**kers, Nigerian n***ers, orange f***ers’ and so on must it take before we say no, enough’s enough. Trash talking has been in the news recently - this is worse. So stamp it out, where you hear it.

Meanwhile it is refreshing to hear nineties legend Jason Sherlock, himself no stranger to a bit of ethnic related abuse - known as racism in some quarters -to describe noughties rising star Mark Vaughan as ‘very black and white.’ The comment came as Jayo said Vaughan had the potential to be much better n the years to come.

Let’s hope the blondie f***er lives up to the hype…

Pundits Play Vegas

One of the distinguishing features of the summer has been the blandola hyperbola performances of the pundits on The Sunday Game. Repeatedly outshone by the colourful managers they sit in judgement over, things have gone from bad to non descript. In two minds whether to be outrageously controversial - a la the overexposed Joe Brolly - now surely in the Elvis-plays-Vegas-twilight phase of his career, his creativity and originality replaced with a pale pastiche of his former self as he bloats out playing for laughs - the RTE team shift effortlessly from the banal, to stating the obvious, to the ridiculous. The most entertaining moment in recent weeks was Anthony Daly’s laceration of Galway - and by association his old boss Ger Loughnane which was reminiscent of - funnily enough - Loughnane himself. Forensically pointing out the Tribesmen’s lack of progress in a year, we could see the glint of revenge in his eyes and - if you closed your eyes and listened carefully - there was the sound of a bunch of aggrieved Banner hurlers roaring their approval. For Talking Balls big Tohill talks the only sense if the others would shut the f**k up and let him speak. Why Tommy Lyons is there we know not. Notoriously media friendly and then phobic during his time in charge, his past record should render him obsolete.

Richie Bennis, whose own performance in accosting Babs for a fraternal hurling bear hug during his live post match tv interview was one of the highlights of the summer, has taken aim at the armchair brigade.

Says Limerick’s Richie: ‘Sure we are only a sideshow. Apparently some of the analysts on television on Sunday were talking about a Kilkenny-Waterford final, saying that it would be great. I didn’t see it myself but I was told that’s what was said. That is their opinion but there will be no problem getting our players motivated for this game.”

In a new departure, Talking Balls is contacting Limerick. We have exclusively sourced a supplier that can screenprint pundits faces onto the bas of a hurley so you can beat the crap out of your nemesis on an ongoing basis!

This is not as far fetched as you may think. One of Talking Balls associates was taking part in a careers event at an, ahem, popular and prestigious Catholic grammar school in the North. He was befriended by a plummy, and slightly camp recruiting officer for the RAF. We kid you not. How times have changed our man thought to himself as the slimy modern day Captain Farrell asked the young ladies a series of inappropriate questions. Humming Arthur McBride as subtly as he could Talking Balls‘ man’s jaw dropped when Her Majesty’s representative on earth produced from his bag a pair of sliotars with the RAF target insignia printed on it. Not a man to miss the chance to pick up a few free sliotars for training or indeed selected matches, he asked the chap how much they were. ‘I’ll give you as many as you want free,’ the chap replied cosying up. Apparently he had Elverys make them for him. The plan failed when it was voted down at the club committee meeting. ‘I don’t think that’s something we want to be supporting,’ stated the secretary in the time honoured fashion. Free balls then are OK, but you can only go so far!

Croker pitch passes toughest test over hectic weekend

GAA chiefs have declared themselves ‘more than happy’ with the way the allegedly controversial Croke Park surface held up to the weekend’s punishment. Three games on Saturday, pissing rain and then three more on Sunday.

Talking Balls was lucky enough to visit Croker on a reconnaissance mission earlier in the year when the groundsman - a grumbly English chap, you know the type - he’d suck the ink out of a biro and move onto the lead in his pencil before telling you your cistern/plumbing/central heating oil burner/timing belt (delete as appropriate) was f***ed and - with a sharply sucked intake of breath - declare ‘I couldn’t tell you how much a new one is likely to be…’ Anyway back to our yarn, he matter-of-factly declared the pitch waterlogged. Now Talking Balls is no groundsman or gardening expert - a glance at our garden recalls the mudflats of the Mississippi - but the Croker pitch was lush - a greener sward - as they say in the trade - we have never seen. But to this geezer it had too much water on board and was unplayable.

Talking Balls would love to have heard him as he prodded his toe gingerly into the ground Sunday morning. How he must have despaired. In his best Del Boy accent I can just hear him - ‘I’m finking of the money but it’s still too wet.’ as Peter McKenna implored him to remove the keep of the grass signs.

Not to