Talking Balls Issue 12 - Well-informed ignorance
Talking BallsThis week Talking Balls seeks closure on the disciplinary mishaps that have befallen the great organisation in recent weeks. After an historic summit last Saturday Nickey Brennan emerged Chamberlain-like to declare things can only get better.
Facing into the qualifiers, can Tipp bounce back, will Cork have the hubris to deal with the qualifier route? Babs give the officials a lash - is he determined to get suspended - a victim complex even?
We ignore Dublin’s performance last Sunday, what else could you do? Shocking news from the coaching McCarthyists, as the games remain under the disciplinary microscope. Are we entering a new Stalinist regime? If so, who’s for the Gulag.
We salute Gerry Kennedy’s balls and legend Ger Loughnane looks west young man for inspiration and pitches a new idea at the Tribesmen.
We look at the lunatic club supporter - surely this animal doesn’t exist other than in horror films and nightmares? The Dublins camogs glam up for MTV as Brendan Cummins hurls in cyberspace, thereby reducing productivity in offices and workplaces countrywide.
If you have had relationship difficulties and don’t know where to turn - there’s always Talking Balls.
Camogs on MTV
For some reason that well-known bastion of Gaelic and athletic coverage - MTV was over here recently to film some Camogie stars in action for their Sports Day, which will air at the end of the month. Perverts.
Talking Balls has learned that the MTV crew attended a training session of the Dublin Senior Camogie team where they filmed the players and interviewed Eimear Brannigan and Anne McCluskey. They also got several of the team to request their favourite songs for broadcast throughout the weekend. Sources said that among the songs chosen by the Dublin ladies were ‘Come on ye boys in blue’ and the Coke theme ‘I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing.’
MTV will air the programme w/e 29th June. Apparently Kieran Donaghy will also appear - God knows why. Anyway, fair play to them, the Dublin camogs will probably get more coverage on MTV than they did on Irish television when they won last year’s All Ireland Junior title, beating Derry in the final.
Derry’s Ulster Campaign goes Tits Up
Paddy Crozier was up front in lamenting his team’s lack of performance, saying wistfully: “There will be knockers, but we just have to get on with it.” Indeed Paddy, maybe that will perk them up a bit.
The Ballymaguigan man bemoaned the non-appearance of a number of key players: “It is pure disappointment. The fellows did not do themselves justice. They did not turn up…”
Hard to turn up Paddy when the ball’s not coming in to you.
One feature that has emerged is Derry’s increasing crab-like tendency to move sideways and back and forth across the pitch without achieving any real penetration. It has now sensationally been revealed that experts are investigating similarities between Ray Wilkins, the former Chelsea and England midfielder - now a chirpy TV pundit - also known as ‘the crab’ for his sideways passing, and Ray Wilkinson the Ballinderry man currently featuring on Derry’s starting XV. Karma or what? Is crabs a problem on the loughshore?
Talking Balls Set for Lengthy Suspension
Talking Balls has learned that it faces a lengthy spell on the sidelines or behind the wire - where it belongs some might say - following last Saturday’s disciplinary hoe down. Talking Balls potentially faces censure under motion 6 which states: “Ard-Chomhairle reaffirms that any County Committee Official, Team Official(s) or players who make derogatory comments in relation to Games, Officials and Administrators shall be dealt with in accordance with the rules.” There you go, and we thought freedom of speech was a feature of western democracy - we don’t live in Burma, China or Saddam’s Iraq - or do we?
Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb then so here goes. As our good friend Ger Manas says, respect is something you earn - not something that you are given. The rulebook - and all who sail in her as it stands - is an ass. Can anyone tell us for example how Paddy Bradley received a twelve week ban for interfering with a referee yet has been on the pitch in two championship matches for Derry? He hasn’t done a pile right enough but he’s been on the pitch. He’s rattling away up in Derry and sure nobody seems to mind. Graham Geraghty punches a player live on TV twice and nothing happens yet Sean Óg gets suspended but didn’t throw a punch?
What about motion 4? “In accordance with the current Rule 144 (e), Ard-Chomhairle directs that the Central Competitions Control Committee may make a written request for clarification from a referee where the Committee is in the course of investigating a possible infraction.”
In that context the CCCC can choose to provide the referee with reliable and unedited video evidence of the possible infraction. In the event that the referee confirms his decision no further action may be taken, but if he states that he did not adjudicate on a particular case or that he did not deal with it appropriately the case may be pursued further.
Is this time limited? What is an infraction? Could it be taken for example as allowing an infraction that led to a score being reviewed? Pat Roe claims there were four potential fouls in the lead up to Dublin’s goal on Sunday? Can Michael Collins revisit the scene of the crime - and lets face it he has previous for making a balls of things in Croke Park? Paudi Ó Sé on Sunday wrote how cute hoorism is alive and well in the Gaelic and athletic and he’d know it well having been a good mate of Charlie’s… How players want to play. How they want to get off. How he did it as a player and manager and… he’s right.
Talking Balls is bored now with this topic. We will however of course do our bit for the association and help promote greater awareness as required under motion 3. “Ard-Chomhairle directs that a range of initiatives to educate members and the general public on the operation of the disciplinary system take place in the coming weeks.” We have yet to see just what these initiatives will be but we intend to add it to our new professional development programme alongside other easy to understand subjects such as Old Icelandic, Aramaic poetry, Mayan Grammar, Ulster Scots and the brain capacity of the English soccer team.
Are Coaches Wasting Their Time?
Well yes. A friend of Talking Balls tells the story of a player complaining to his senior manager that he’d read an article that said shuttle runs were a waste of time - this according to Gerry McEntee the former Meath-player-turned-doctor. His comments were dismissed by the player’s club manager as the ravings of a fella who was looking for a good reason not to endure his regular slice of shuttle horror. What then should coaches be doing and not be doing? Well who knows really? The answer? Well Professor Niall Moyna does. Michael Moynihan of the Examiner has a fascinating interview with him. Read it and weep: Click Here
A taster. On the subject of do’s and don’ts: “The average scoring rate from play is 40%, which is very low,” says Moyna. “If I were an inter-county coach, I’d want my players taking 300 shots at goal per week. How many coaches in Ireland can tell you how many shots their players take in training?”
Well, Talking Balls knows the answer for one player. During a stout-fuelled encounter with Tyrone star Stephen O’Neill, the discussion moved to shooting for scores as it inevitably does when confronted with such a legend-in-front-of-goals. Stevie described to Talking Balls’ technical team how he practiced ten shots with each foot at five different locations on the pitch at each training session, marking out the zones for our ease of understanding using a salt sellar, empty bottles of Budweiser and a pint of Guinness - amongst other things - to explain how he slots over those unfeasibly tight angled points of his under pressure. We watched and listened in awe - visualising a narrow angled effort from a half drunk glass of red sail between a bottle of Magners and a young ladies’ handbag to put us one ahead with time running out.
Prodigy Clarke Lost Down Under
Martin Clarke is the one that got away as far as Down football is concerned. He made his debut on Saturday for Collingwood as they beat Sydney Swans 75-57. Former Kerryman Tadhg Kenneally wasn’t playing for the Swans - thank god - that would have made it twice as hard to watch.
Martin Clarke excelled in every faculty and every virtue on the gaelic pitch. He once scored 1-16 or something similarly ridiculous in a college’s game. He was spotted by the Aussies playing for St Louis’ Kilkeel in the McRory Cup Final. He is by all accounts a likeable and very down to earth lad. Talking Balls had the occasion to be in company with him once when he cited fellow Kilkeel man David Healy as someone he’d love to meet. If only Healy had his talent. If only Down had his talent.
He said of Saturday’s experience: “I was pretty excited. I don’t really get nervous. The boys were really good to me, and I know I had prepared as well as I could and my skills were improving all the time. I was ready to go, and I was just excited and looking forward to getting out there. Thankfully we got the win.”
Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse has said young Clarke is a ‘big-time’ player. He will probably make the big time down under. Pity, could have made the big time under Down - big time.
Casement Cashiered
Talking Balls sympathizes with the Ulster Council Official, Omagh man Declan O’Neill, who had his car hi-jacked on the M1 and the takings from Sunday’s match stolen. In the bad old days the criticism of Casement was always that some hoor would run off with the Box Office. We thought we’d got beyond that but obviously not.
Sean Cavanagh to get Massive Suspension
Tyrone powerhouse-triple-All-star-and-former-young-player-of-the-year-midfielder Sean Cavanagh will be hit with a punitive suspension following his sending off on Sunday whilst playing for the Moy again’ Loughmacrory. In another Tyrone red-card-fest four players received their marching orders. It is believed that the Tyrone PTB will hit Cav with something that will really make him sit up and think, however it is not thought he will miss the Ulster Final.
Galway Enter World Series
Legend Loughnane has always been one for the unusual. Reports from Galway training reveal that players who perform badly in training are tied to a goal post while Ger and his merry men fire sliotars at them from an automatic Baseball pitching machine. Early reports suggested he was doing this to sharpen his players’ striking skills ahead of their championship opener against Laois but that has been denied.
Galway hurling board secretary John Fahey said: “It can release a ball at up to 110 miles per hour. It has added a new dimension to training.”
I’ll say. Looking forward to Ger - baseball style loadin up a big wad o’ chawin’ tobaccy or warhorse or whatever he uses and spittin’ a big brownie Clint Eastwood-style in the Outlaw Josey Wales onto the forehead of any Laois sonofabitch that slides over the sideline in pursuit of a sliotar. Yeehaaa
Babs Muzzles up at the Horse and Jockey
Talking Balls loves Babs Keating every time he opens his big gob he says something entertaining and that’s why we viewed the outcome from Saturday’s jamboree with trepidation.
Will Croker gag Babs? Well seemingly he has got away with his latest outburst, whatever it was. He has so many, it’s difficult for a Micky Mouse operation like ours to keep tabs on Babs. We think this time it was for slagging off the referee Brian Gavin, in the first replay.
Reckoning Babs has beaten the rap, Tipperary secretary Tim Floyd said he has received no correspondence from Croke Park. Floyd was up at Croker on Tuesday night with John Leahy, who is facing an eight-week ban for verbally abusing an umpire during the game in Thurles. Leahy will find out soon enough if he is free to abuse other officials when Tipp face Offaly in the qualifiers.
Back to Babs - he has to have the last word:
“Nickey Brennan and his committee have put a muzzle on us,” he declared before refocusing on the referees, the bastards. “The great difficulty we have with all these guys is none of them played the game. I never heard of the linesman in my life mentioned as a player. Obviously nobody ever heard of Seanie McMahon as a player, or Brian Gavin as a player, or Diarmuid Kirwan, that refereed the first game, as a player.” Apparently Babs told the lads in Croker they should invest in turning former players into referees? Like who Babs?
In a classic f*** you, I’m away to the bar, Babs called a team meeting for the Horse and Jockey on Monday night. “We’ll circle the wagons and drive on - and that starts in the Horse & Jockey.”
Ride On Babs.
From the Media: Stephen Nolan to start for Wexford on Sunday
Gerry Kennedy Has Some Balls (We Hope)
As the final part of the Tipp Limerick trilogy reached its climax last Sunday Tipp’s rookie keeper Gerry Kennedy made himself large, as Peter Schmeichel used to do (so we’re told) and took a goalbound rasper square on the ‘nads - or so it appeared to Talking Balls - thereby saving a certain goal. As my five-year-old son asked me what happened, I explained as best I could the pain and the glory of that save and also why it wasn’t funny.
There’s been a lot of talk in the press about the fall of the last men standing - Davy Fitz, James McGarry, DD Quinn, Donal Óg, and most recently and controversially the brilliant Brendan Cummins - as labelled in Christy O’Connor’s superb book on hurling keepers.
Gerry Kennedy’s heroics on Sunday brought to mind a toe-curling account in the book, by former Limerick keeper Joe Quaid, of how one of his testicles exploded on impact with the sliotar when making a save against Laois, and the subsequent pain - if it can be called that. Talking Balls can empathise - even writing this gives me an ache! Just for the record, from Last Man Standing:
“…he knew the ball had hit him in the testicles… when the pain got worse… he signalled to the management to take him off. They refused to do so. He was almost afraid to look inside his togs after the game because the swelling had expanded his underpants…. The swelling had got so large at that stage that Quaid couldn’t close up his jeans.” Joe goes on to recount how he stopped for a burger on the way to the hospital (yes true - if my gonads were in the pawn shop that might take priority but…); and how the surgeon reckoned his bollock had exploded on impact with the ball.
Anyway, Christy O’Connor writes how four weeks later, during his first night back in training, TJ Ryan hit him full on the bag with a piledriver. Quaid was wearing a jockstrap and as the ball flew thirty yards up the field, Quaid recounts how he said to Ryan “Jasus that implant is some yoke!”
Call it going beyond the call of duty or putting your balls on the line - whatever - these fellas have the right stuff.
Cack-Handed Fogarty misses Leinster Final
Aidan Fogarty, Cats’ cack-handed strike forward, misses the Leinster Final due to a new ruling from the PTB that only hurling orthodox grips will be tolerated in future. The fact he has damaged ankle ligaments has made the ruling more palatable to the Cats. A source near the top said:
“We have been concerned for a while that players who do not grip the hurley and swing the stick according to the official coaching manual are increasingly commonplace in our national game. The level of indiscipline among our coaches in not clamping down on this sort of thing cannot be tolerated. This situation where players throw the ball up with their right hand and then place it above the left is clearly wrong and leads to all sorts of problems. It shows insufficient respect for the coaching manual.”
He added that he thought Fogarty’s 1-3 from play in the All Ireland final was ‘lucky’ adding, “Had he used an orthodox, properly coached and executed grip and swing the Cork defenders would have been better able to deal with him.”
To address these problems the PTB have set up a Task Force which will involve assessors sitting in the stands to rule on technical issues. It is not known whether they will sit beside the referee assessors, or whether there in fact will be any room.
It is believed that a common fault in football to come under the McCarthyist jackboot is the practice of right hand to left foot soloing/left foot to right hand soloing. “Simply not on,” is the view of our man at the top. It is believed that senior figures are close to calling a special meeting some day soon to look at these problems and issue a series of points for clarification. It is thought that the lack of adherence to properly coached skills has contributed to the drop in attendances this year thus far. Hasn’t been as bad since De Valera’s time said the Office WAG. Not often she’s right.
Jack O’Connor - Now with Whinges
Jack O’Connor complains in his new book how none of the Kerry legends phoned him up to wish him good luck, gave him a hug or tucked him in at night. The reason? He’s a whinging hoor. Jack has published his innermost thoughts and he takes a swipe at everyone and manages in the process to shoot himself in the foot by revealing that he got paid by the Kerry Board thereby allowing himself to work part-time - a liberty that is a technical breach of the official guide and should lead to a suspension - a point identified by Martin Breheny in the Indo.
He saves lots of his petty vitriol for Ulster - Armagh and Tyrone in particular - and the Talking Balls team are lovin’ it. Apparently the Ulster teams are too nouveau riche for Jack - all fur coat and no knickers - he thinks we should all roll over and prostrate ourselves cos he’s from Kerry. Well Jack, we’ve news for you…
He tells how Gooch was about to cut loose against Tyrone in 2005 when he got a flake… Now even he did get a flake and more from that blond yoke that used to suck, swivel and yoyo her bar of chocolate in the TV ad of old, it still wouldn’t have accounted for the fifteen minutes he was out of the game. As for ‘Peter the Great’ his last act in Croker was to wrestle with Gooch to allegedly stop the ginger one level the game. Gooch was fit for him what I saw that day. Would be more credible if this wasn’t a regurgitation of an oft-repeated whinge. What about the goal Jack?
Anyway Jack, stop your whinging and go back to what you do best… er… whinging? Certainly it isn’t writing. Talking Balls sees he has since admitted that bits of his book were poorly worded. A marketing dream - trash your own product before it hits the shelves. Still we’ll buy it - will pass Saturday evening on the bog.
Pocced off at Work? Had a Lá Fáda Mór?
Talking Balls has the perfect remedy. Waste your time blissfully by playing the Guinness Poc Fada game with Brendan Cummins:
http://www.guinness.com/ie_en/hurling/game_flash.htm
Let’s face it Brendan has little enough to be doing these days so you might as well show a bit of solidarity!
The Lunatic Fringe - Read on
One of the features of our games is the lunatic club supporter, often born and bred in a close knit community. Irrespective of their day job, come match time - at any age level - the lunatic supporter develops a mad glint in their eye, a fondness for the manic glare at opposing supporters and the muttering of indecipherable threats at anyone in the vicinity. The vocabulary is limited but to the point: ‘Get a jersey ref,’ ‘come on lads, yer playin again’ sixteen.’ ‘hope ye die on the way home ref,’ ‘Gwan, f*** yerself, that was never a free,’ etc etc.
The lunatic fan if male - may have a scrubby moustache and a grubby black jacket dating back to some heroic but disputed victory in the distant past; if female - scraped back dyed blond hair, and a backside that looks like two black binbags full of water are de rigueur. Male or female the complexion will resemble a North Sea oilman. The last ride they got was either on a Zetor or outdoors the other night, or possible never. Opposing supporters won’t understand them. Wearing wellies to matches is normal and permitted, as is pacing the line outside the wire and woe betide anyone if they get inside the wire. Legitimate targets include opposing supporters, male or female, match officials, car park attendants and the like. The gene pool is where they throw their dirty washing. Their team never loses because they played badly - no - it is always someone else’s fault.
Defeat has a name - it’s usually called the referee…
Editorial note: the character described above does not exist and is not based on anyone either real or fictitious that might be spotted at matches around the country.
The Shoplifter on Rollerskates
Ger took himself to Casement Park last Sunday and didn’t like what he saw. He didn’t like what he heard either when he got home.
I went up to Casement Park there on Sunday to watch Derry and Monaghan and to be honest with ye, I fell asleep for while. It was shite - the worst match I’ve been up at this long time. To make it worse there was these young ones beside me with one of them foghorn yokes. After about three big trumpets in me ear - I sez to the da, that’s a wile racket. Sez he ‘wha?’ as this nipper let rip again. I was about to bate him on the head but I remembered the child protection course. Still, didn’t keep me awake.
What is it about Derry that they wouldn’t kick the ball up the field? They went this way and that way hand passing the f***in thing right and left. Next thing one of them Monaghan fellas would nip in, kick her up the field and Freeman, or Gallogly or Woods would put her over the bar. I was talking last week about the bottom feeder, well Monaghan had a few of them - they also have that Damian Freeman - he nips in and takes the ball like a shoplifter on roller-skates. Eleven kick outs I counted in the first half they won. Derry? Load of big men standin’ about with their hands on their arses is if the car was broken and they didn’t know what to do about it. Young Lockhart won’t kick the ball, Bradley didn’t look fit to me and big Enda looked like he should have stayed in bed - not his fault - he was waitin’ for a letter that was never posted let alone didn’t arrive. Back and forth, back and forth - was like f*** tennis without them short skirts and funny Russian names.
Monaghan have some fine players now, but I was mightily impressed with that big lad Rory Woods. Them new ‘fashion fit’ shirts is all very aerodynamic and the like with the skin tight sleeves and that but I would imagine that big lad Woods was rootin about through the kit bag for a bigger shirt. F*** me he looked like one of the ballet dancing elephants on Disney. When I looked out and saw him limberin up I though McEneaney and co were bate. By Jaze was I wrong - he could field the ball, he could kick points and when a man was in bother he was there behind at the backdoor lookin’ a hand out. Plays hurling too I’m told, jaze he’d bust some ash the size of him.
I had taped the thing to watch when I got home and I wound her on to the end to hear what McHugh and Burns said. Big Burns is a civil big lump of a fella, harmless enough I always reckon. McHugh is a bit of a bollox alrite - he sits there like f***in Jiminy Cricket pronouncing on this and that. Well, them two lads should be ashamed of themselves calling them Derry fellas a disgrace. Derry mightn’t a played that well, in fact they deserved a good boot in the hole for the way they played but they weren’t a disgrace. They went up there to Casement, same as any other county team, they put them shirts on and I’m sure they did their best. Wasn’t good enough. They weren’t getting paid for it - not like the fellas in the studio. Burns is supposed to be into player welfare - well them boys had to go back to Dungiven or Ballinderry or Banagher or wherever and face the music. Disgrace me hole. It’s the two posers in the studio’s a disgrace.
I was readin’ then during the week your man Damian Barton in that Irish News. Barton loves usin’ words like ‘lateral’, and ‘technical’ and ‘depth’ and ‘penetration’. I reckon he writes it down plain like me and gets someone to make it all fancy. F***in lateral me hole. Fella came to our training one night, he had some new job and they’d sent him off on a course by Edmund de Bonio or Dr Seuss or some hoor like that. He starts talking during our meeting about ‘lateral thinking’. Sez he, ‘On this course we were talking about wearing different coloured hats. And the facilitator…’ (whatever the f*** that is thought I to meself) ‘said “imagine you had an extra arm.”‘ Well the boys looked at each other. ‘Eoin, you still couldn’t catch the ball if you had six arms and three coloured hats,’ says one fella. The whole thing ended when one of the older fellas sez: ‘plus you’d be an even better w****r.’ End of story, good night Irene.
I see that CRY heart scanning is available to GAA clubs now through the Ulster Council. I think my oul pump’s seen better days but I’ll tell you young ones should go for that screening and get checked out. Live fast, die old - good looking corpse me hole.
June 29th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
i could tell you a few tales about the good old rule book and how the county board are allowed to breech rules with ulster council permission………the rule book is a joke.
July 2nd, 2007 at 12:48 pm
73.47m in the Guinness game
July 2nd, 2007 at 12:51 pm
92.07m