Talking Balls Issue 11 - Well-informed ignorance
Talking BallsThis week Talking Balls despairs of the Gaelic and Athletic and its lack of discipline. People ‘batin’ the dung out of each other right, left and centre and no two people doing the same thing about it. As Roberto Duran said when he was being battered round the ring ‘No Mas’. Talking Balls agrees, sort of.
Respect is the theme at the Central Council hoe down as Nicky gets tough. He hung up on Gerald McCarthy we hear, but when he speaks he’ll say plenty. Can’t wait.
A heartbreaking tale of emigration has a happy ending as little CJ returns to the embrace of the Tommy Cooper. News of a research study on teamtalks and their effects - good or bad; we look at worrying claims that the Dubs were unruly on the Hill instead of showing their usual choirboy behaviour; Liam Hayes on hurling (what does he know about that? I hear you ask) and Captain Underpants comes to Clones.
Also a new interactive refereeing game in Tyrone; Babs and Richie’s big group hug in Thurles as they go back to the drawing board again and Ger looks at the Tyrone/Donegal game. Has veteran veterinarian Brian Dooher grafted a horses stamina and a lion’s heart onto his footballer’s frame?
If you’ve think you’ve had enough, go home and go to bed. Otherwise, stay on, keep her lit and carry on Talking Balls.
Disciplinary Ard Fheis to demand ‘Respect’
Saturday’s “unscheduled” Central Council get together will focus exclusively on discipline, lack of respect for authority and the application of the current disciplinary structures and procedures - according to President Brennan.
Meanwhile former President Mick Loftus is reported as saying he believes the failure by more and more players to accept their punishments is at the core of the issue. He has argued that indiscipline is no worse than it was forty years ago bit claims “players are constantly challenging everything that doesn’t suit us. That’s what gets me - we are challenging the very rules which we created.”
“I was very surprised by Gerald McCarthy’s comments after the game on Sunday and was surprised by some of the media for being most unfair on Nickey Brennan. Nickey didn’t make the rules.”
Dr Loftus believes the desire to challenge authority is symptomatic of changing attitudes within Irish society. Talking Balls certainly wishes things were back like they were in the good old days when the Celtic Tiger was a pussycat, few cars burned up our roads, flesh, midriffs and cleavage was rarely seen in public, sex hadn’t been invented and Irish people still lived in De Valera’s Ireland - all cowed and arse-slapped. Just because the disciplinary process is pre-treaty that doesn’t mean everyone has to accept it. Mick says:
“We seem to be protesting about everything that goes against us. Look at how things change regarding attitudes towards Government - it is all about complaint and criticism. People aren’t able to see the greater good. In my time in the GAA there was never any issue with rules. Now every case seems to end up in the DRA. If I was president, my statement to the delegates on Saturday is: ‘here is the rule book, if we’re endorsing it we must follow it.’ The rules are fine. The mindset isn’t.”
So then Mick, Talking Balls asks, since when does sitting back and accepting things that crap constitute seeing the greater good. Cute hoorism and getting away with things are as much part of Irish society as stout, boy-racers, mega housing estates in Kildare and thoroughbred horses. Just look at our politicians? How many Tribunals have there been in recent years. For God’s sake who created the DRA? Does that mean we have to accept things that aren’t ‘fit for purpose’? Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela were lucky they weren’t born in Ireland if this is the case.
Amidst all the bluster about the lack of respect for the disciplinary process, the outrage from journalists on one side or another there is indeed a lot to be said for taking the John Mullane route to suspension in 2004:
‘You do the crime you serve the time. The GAC were right. I’ve no grudges against them. It could have been a lot worse - I could have got three months. I was quite lucky. I let myself down, my family down, and the people of Waterford down.’
He got a lot of respect for that. There is also a lot to be said for having a process that is inherently unfair and a bit of a joke. After all the hot air at the Ard Fheis on Saturday, the problem won’t have gone away you know.
If you tolerate this, your children will be next
Multiple red cards in matches in Westmeath and Tyrone, two games abandoned in Kildare, rows in Kerry, and now the latest in the roll of dishonour - a 16-year-old in Louth has his jaw broken in an off the ball incident while the ball was at the other end of the field during a game between St. Patrick’s and O’Connell’s.
Following a visit to the hospital he’s eating through a straw and has a metal head brace fitted. According to an unnamed Louth official:
“We know who hit the young lad, but there are very few witnesses because the play was at the other end of the field and as a result not even the referee saw it.”
Was it handbags, a shemozzle or just plain dirt. Answers please to the usual place in the usual way. Morons - if you tolerate this….
Shock Horror - Unruly Dubs on the Hill
Dublin fans on Hill 16 allegedly were unruly and were drinking last Sunday - however the PTB could neither confirm nor deny without proof.
County Chairman Gerry Harrington said: “Dublin County Board wouldn’t condone that behaviour. But we have had no reports of this on a personal level or at county board level. 99.99% of our fans show exemplary behaviour all over the country.”
Ho ha, Talking Balls considers it is a great relief to know that the booing of frees by the entire Hill is only caused by 0.01% of supporters. Maybe those on the Hill then during Dublin games aren’t fans. Now there’s a thought. Who are these people if that’s the case?
Mr Harrington went on: “Supporters are not allowed to bring drink in but drink is obtained inside the grounds. What can Dublin County Board do about that? People go to enjoy themselves and unfortunately a tiny, tiny minority carry things too far.
“But is there proof of these claims? Is there proof that these were Dublin supporters? There are more people supporting GAA in this country than Dublin people.”
Wha?? And, wait for it - our favourite: “Just because something allegedly happened on Hill 16 doesn’t mean that a Dublin supporter was involved.”
All is now clear - so a Meath fan pushed his way into the Hill, got pissed and abused a few people. “Gwan ye good thing - yee mad or what?”
Gaelic Players Aren’t Paid - Yet
The GPA thinks it will still get its money even though there’s a new man at the top. “The GAA have indicated that they will be pushing it from their end and we will be doing the same. Nothing has changed apart from the face,” says Donal O’Neill.
We’ll see.
CJ Homesick God Love Him
Rising Antrim superstar CJ McGourty had his tale between his legs when he rejoined the County panel ahead of their Tommy Murphy Cup campaign. For those who missed this, CJ got struck down by the same homesickness virus he had when required to stay away from the big smoke as Antrim got to the Ulster Minor Final last year. He missed the sound of screeching tyres, the distant sound of summer drums, the scent of a bonfire and whiff of burning rubber.
The 19-year-old prodigy flew to Boston within 24 hours of Antrim being knocked out of the Ulster SFC by Derry last Sunday week. McGourty was to play for Aidan McAnespie’s in Boston, who sorted him with a summer job, but he failed to settle and returned home after less than a week.
“Everything was sorted. Everything was spot on. I got a viral infection last year before the Ulster minor final and when I got over there it started to get bad again, I thought the best decision was to come home again. I wasn’t feeling great.”
Now what will Donal Keoghan say if this virus is contagious and the boys in blue arrive back too? Away te Feck!
Ireland’s Leading Seat of Learning in Research Study on the Role of the Teamtalk
In this era of enhanced sports psychology, one of Ireland’s leading seats of learning has announced details of a groundbreaking research study on the phenomenon and ephemeral nature of the mid-contest discourse - known as the team talk (colloq.)
The leading institution is calling for submissions from hurlers, footballers and camogs who have had their performance enhanced or adversely affected through the mid-contest discourse. One source said: “one manager currently taking a team with All Ireland aspirations repeatedly reverts to type during times of enhanced stress. Typical symptoms include dryness of mouth leading to the emergence of dry spittle at the corners.” She added “His co-manager is worse - a maestro of the mixed metaphor and mumbo jumbo, all skyped from google, it is embarrassing. We have a psychologist on the team and she wets herself every week.”
Typical phraseology refers to the gladiatorial nature of football, camogie and/or hurling: combat rich lexicography has been enhanced, say experts, due to the increased used of battle related stimuli such as the soundtrack from Braveheart where the doomed William Wallace exhorts his cowardly countrymen “would you trade all the days for one chance, just one chance…” Likewise the Gladiator Maximus tells his troupe “What we do in life echoes in Eternity.”
Professor Ken Janore said: “The use of antagonistic and battle related dialogue can lead to enhanced states of excitement in much the same way as images can be suggestive and arousing. We are currently examining for example in a confidential study the events leading to the so-called Semplegate affair. We have evidence that in the past the Cork team have used visual material erected onto vertical boards to achieve aggravated levels of excitement ahead of matches.”
Kanore added: “We have anecdotal evidence of diatribal outbursts involving team mentors questioning the length and girth of certain anatomical details - inappropriate, potentially offensive and legislatively oppressive - in the context of team sports. Likewise the old chestnuts such as the yella streak down the back - evidentially used in reference to a new team’s spirit - according to one set of recorded interviews. Apparently used to generate a sense of enhanced/victim aggressor type behaviour designed to provoke a backlash - the result was a disengagement and lack of trust in much the same way as an abused dog or even a child would view an abuser.”
This is not conducive to enhanced performance and can lead to bullying and in extreme cases to allegations of stalking, svengaliism, and perversely, even sybaritic behaviour. One manager is cited as verbally and psychologically abusing his clubmates in a coach/player context with a county squad - thereby diminishing the level of trust and respect - and resulting in deep seated feelings of confusion, betrayal and lack of confidence. Typical behaviour, according to US sports psychologist W. Ank Miaff, that is found in a master/servant relationship where the master feels inadequate through decreased personal esteem. Often they themselves can be the victim of reduced individual confidence through spousal abuse or they may have bifactorial issues. Interestingly this typeoform has been known to saw part of the way through hurls, place small explosives in balls - all for effect - every half-time is a performance says W. Ank. Eventually he added, it becomes a self parody and no-one pays any attention any more.
Sporadic behaviour can have the desired effect but again it can diminish in effectiveness with time. “Big Joe threw his medal or whatever round the room,” said legendary manager, Ger Manas. ‘We’ve all done that at various times. The question is do players respond or do they say behind your back you’re a wanker. Often it is the latter that emerges and then it’s time to go - boot in the hole goodnight Irene.’
If you’ve been verbally abused by your manager, had your manhood questioned or your chest size diminished let us know. The research is confidential - you may occasionally be required to wear a wire during matches to record this claptrap at first hand but sure it’ll be worth it…
Tyrone People Hate Each Other More Than Ever as Refs Invent New Game
The GAA has another disciplinary crisis on its hands after Tyrone Competitions Control Committee (CCC) secretary Aodhan Harkin was assaulted during a club match last weekend. This follows straight red cards for six players - three each from Ardboe and Cookstown in a championship match and four red cards in Dungannon’s clash with Killyclogher in the Championship and other multiple sendings off in a Donaghmore game.
Sources in Tyrone pointed to a ‘chicken’ type fantasy red card competition amongst refs in Tyrone to see who could send off the most players in a single game. A novel points system has been devised so that for example a straight red card gets more than two yellows; a county player gains the whistler even more points if he walks and certain former ‘aces’ gain special bonuses should they walk the line. It is believed refs threw in a few quid each with the winner at the end of the season picking up a special prize that includes refereeing the county final in the ultimate test of chicanery - how colourful can he make the game.
Meanwhile back to the big city clash in Strabane. Mr Harkin was allegedly struck by a supporter on the sideline during a league clash between his club Strabane and Urney. The assailant jumped over the fence surrounding the pitch and confronted Harkin, who was with his young son.
Referee Fergal Daly is believed to have witnessed the attack and is expected to include it in his report. Harkin was in his capacity as a Strabane official, but his attacker is well ‘n’ truly banjaxed. It is believed he will be exiled across the border to Lifford or Killygordon and banned from looking at the tinnies as he drives past them.
Championship Cojones
Full and bouncy or floppy and droopy?
Full and bouncy
Mark Vaughan
Dublin’s saviour - all Hail the Messiah.
Tyrone
Awesome. Martin McHugh - on the mark as usual.
Limerick and Tipp
Lads, lets see how many replays we can get out of this - great to watch.
Cork and Waterford
Despite the distraction - top drawer stuff.
Derry
Promised someone we’d say something good about Derry. They’ll want to meet Tyrone in the Ulster Final - what better motivation for the bitter and twisted?
CCC
Day out shopping and on the beer in Dublin.
Floppy and Droopy
Roscommon and Maughan
Portugal’s a long way away now as the backdoor trapdoor oils its hinges John-boy.
Donegal
Where to now? On the piss or back to work?
Mossy Quinn
Good night and good luck.
Sully Sean Óg and Donal Óg
Benchwarming doesn’t suit ye lads. Come back soon, all will be forgiven.
RTE & CCC
Can we please avoid clashed on live Telly? We don’t all have Setanta to sit on our holes and watch the full games during the week. (Altho’ it is great - a full Championship game on a Tuesday night - magnifico!)
Maughan Gets a Good Hyding
Tommy Breheny was over the moon as Sligo beat Roscommon at Hyde Park to qualify for the Connacht SFC final against either Galway or Leitrim. Not so our good friend Maughan who looked decidedly pissed off.
“We are in this to win a Connacht title, This is a stepping stone for us, a great win but all that will do for us is a Connacht title. We knew when we fell six points down early in the second half that this would really test our character. It looked bleak at two goals down, but you have to cope. I never doubted the players but until you see them respond to a challenge like that you never know.”
John Maughan said: “We are shattered. We were six points up and the game should have been won. That’s the hardest part of it. There is no guarantee you will win when you show up but when you go six points up in the second half of a championship match you should win the game.”
Is this the end of Stroller Maughan patrolling the sideline in those mid-length shorty longs he wears or will he turn up somewhere else with his unique brand of grumpy-old-man-army-arse-kicking-attenshun-sir-chic? Can fair sink the stout though John as Talking Balls found out at first hand. One thing’s for sure - he won’t be turning up in Fermanagh.
Liam Hayes - Prophet
Liam Hayes sounded the deathknell for hurling when he predicted - with an arrogance not normally associated with Meath people (ahem) that the television audience for the Dublin Meath game would outstrip that for the hurling on the other channel.
Well, Talking Balls is a great admirer of forthright Liam and his no holds-barred approach to comment and analysis but when someone makes a statement like this it is our duty to report it.
Liam, you were wrong.
Last Sunday’s Munster SHC semi-final between Waterford and Cork attracted 57,000 more TV viewers than the Leinster SFC quarter-final replay between Dublin and Meath, according to RTE audience figures. The hurling drew an audience of 342,000, the football attracted 285,000.
Talking Balls can reveal that we saw none of it because we were in Clones dispassionately watching Tyrone kick Donegal on that sore bit on their ass.
Captain Underpants Returns to Clones
Croke Park’s lucrative tie up with Children’s hero Captain Underpants continued on Sunday. After his impressive attempts to rip the trunks of the Cats’ Eddie Brennan, our intrepid hero made a more subtle intervention on Sunday.
After one tussle, burly but ineffective Donegal forward Colm McFadden was seen to gingerly pick the shorts out of the sheugh of his arse as Ricey McMenamin and others retreated in a cloak of anonymity. For the remainder of the half he could be seen footering with the lace on his togs, regularly hoisting them up waist-high a la Winston Churchill or any other old chap you see wearing those trousers that have their waistline slightly to the south of their nipples. It is believed that Captain Underpants swept in below the radar to snap the all important tog elastic thus raising the spectre of a hair-baring moment for Colm in front of an attentive Hill.
And exclusively Talking Balls can reveal that Brian Dooher’s punch was caused by him asking big Colm how his pants were keeping.
Ger, Richie and Babs too
Ger Loughnane’s some craic alright. Fearing that the qualifiers might be low intensity for the tribesmen the boul Ger declares:
“We don’t know what to expect from Laois and Antrim but we need Clare to give us as good a game as possible down in Ennis. We’ll be facing a hostile environment and the faster and harder and more intense they are, the better,”
In other words, Laois and Antrim aren’t worth a shite so we need the Clare game to bring us on. Antrim take note. This is the same Ger that basically said ‘the league begins now’ after Antrim had been despatched.
Talking Balls loves live hurling. Did ye ever see anything like the Babs Keating interview live on tv after the Limerick match? There’s oul Babs, talking shite and stirring the pot as usual when unannounced Richie Bennis heaves into view, claps his arm round him and starts blethering on about hurling, Limerick and Tipp, me and you Babs sure isn’t this great blah blah blah. Babs looks at him askance, the body language says ‘get this lunatic off me’. It reminded me of the situation in the pub when you get accosted by the local village idiot, bloothered, full of beans - your new best friend and your worst nightmare. Bring it on again lads - some craic. Tipp to win by two points.
Brian Dooher Dances with Goats
Ger Manas extols the virtues of the player who wins the breaking ball. Who better than a man who wrestles cows, chases horses, tames lions and tickles crocodiles’ toes - supervet Dooher does it for Ger as he takes a serious look at Tyrone and Donegal.
I always loved a player that could win breaking ball. The lower the percentage of coming out with the ball, the bigger the balls on the player I find. Ye always have some namby pamby boys on the field that flitter about round the edges and aren’t worth a shite but my man is the bottom feeder - he’s like an oul duck rootin about in the muck and the dirt, comin out with things he’s no right to find - this man is king in football. As far as I’m concerned the daddy of them all is that fella Brian Dooher. If he was a duck he’d be a la king. I went up to Clones - now I normally wouldn’t be that fussed on Clones, the smell of them burgers drives me mad - takes me back to the oul sites in London - and the walk up that Hill does nothin for me hip either but Jaze I enjoyed myself last week. I was along with the son and his young fella - but them Donegal people at matches are great. They have the look about them that they never get out much and there aren’t as many arseholes at matches when Donegal are playing. They seem to be happy whether they’re winning or losing. There was a few young girls beside me now and the thing they were happiest about was your man Kevin Cassidy’s legs. When I looked he was like a f*** mule with those legs. He didn’t grow them standing leaning on a bar. Well this one young thing all she wanted was them sticking out of her bed. She looked like she meant it too - she reckoned more donkey than mule.
I was lookin forward to see Donegal put it up to the Tyrone boys. I thought now maybe they might depending on which Tyrone team turned up. Well sure ye all saw what happened. Mickey Harte is one ruthless boy - young McGinley called ashore after 13 minutes. I’d have had him out of there sooner but I suppose they knew maybe he’d relatives at the game. Big McMahon did a lot better on Big Colm McFadden although he reminds me of a few of the older school full backs that used to have a bit of an oul gut for extra leverage. If ye ever seen that film One Flew Over the Cuckold’s nest, McFaddon would remind ye of the big Indian. Big ponderous civil big f***er who gets on with things. He gets that big hole of his between himself and the goal and jaze he’s hard to shift.
It was shaping up as a right oul game, great weather for it too and we’d a dacent feed of sandwiches the wife had made. I couldn’t get over that fella Dooher. I thought he’d be finished after them operations and him running about after animals all weeks. I heard from another boy he was chasing goats about to get fit but that could be wrong. Did that once myself with a team in Mayo - one fella got a prolapsed arse where an oul Billy of a thing prodded him in the hole. Got the boys quare an fit - running up hills and leppin over streams. Beats paddlin about in a canoe like them Derry boys were at with Paddy Crozier. Be no f***in paddlin on Sunday in Casement Paddy sez I although it would have been handy last time if the game was played the first day.
Anyway yer man Dooher, whatever he be’s at, he’s winning ball he had no right to win pointing here, charging about there. He looks like one of the Indian’s yee seen on Dances with Wolves - all hook-nosed, straight backed with a fierce oul bit of pride in him. Many’s the bull he’s grabbed by the horns but yon’s as honest a performance as I saw. That young fella Mulgrew too shiftin round the place like a ghost - one time he gave one of the fancy disguised passes he gives and the Donegal man tackled him anyway. The goal was as good a goal as I seen. O’Neill’s hands were as fast as a teenagers in the back row of the pictures with his young wan. Big Durkan’s a big hoor too, so Mulgrew did well to get the ball in the goals. I dunno what Durkan was doing for the penalty, throwing the ball away and then standin lookin like a f***in gomb as yer man rolls it in. Knowing McIver I’d say he slapped a few arses at half time. If was the Donegal lad that was marking that Conor Gormley when he caught the ball under one arm I’d be embarrassed. Devenney I think it was. That man’s a great footballer but he needs less wind and piss and more make your mind up time. Is he gonna do the business or not - we all need to know. Tyrone look good but I’d say that could be Donegal’s load blown.
If any young cub’s is watching them Tyrone fellas - look at Dooher and O’Neill. First things O’Neill did and him not fit was nick a Donegal short free and set up a shot on goals. Dooher worked up and down the pitch, makin his own rules- hungry for the ball and knowing where to go get it. Hunger’s what made Napoleon’s boys go on the long march; it helped in the siege of Derry and it brings out the best in men. That Dooher fella, he can Dance with my Goats any day I’ll tell ye.
I read in the paper about all this chat about suicide and young ones. One things for sure, if there’s something botherin ye, yer better talking to someone about it. There’s never a problem I had yet that couldn’t be cured - often with a boot in the hole apart from one or two wee medical things the wife’ noticed recently but I’m getting them fixed too. Remember a problem halved is a problem shared.
June 22nd, 2007 at 4:08 pm
I could not beleve that Donegal could be that Shi*e
Tyrone were by far the better team on the day
Donegal dont even deserve the back door
they should be kicked out the door
June 23rd, 2007 at 6:22 am
Entertaining read about dooher - although i’m a Tyrone fan, I must say Dooher’s leadership last sunday was key to the victory. The other lads enjoy great leverage from his grafting. Keep’er lit lads….
June 23rd, 2007 at 5:16 pm
Paddy Murray thought Cj mc gourty had gone to Bundornan for the weekend!
June 25th, 2007 at 4:20 am
On inspirational team talks, it reminds me of the captain during a poor season, starting ´Now lads, I know we are shite but they are even worse…´ funnily enough the game was lost. The same captain in the same season came up against another team who had a player die in the week leading up to the game and began ´Now just think of that poor lad, he can´t play today, he´s dead…´. The opposition won the game in the first ten minutes.